Seeking Information and Help with Severe Seperation Anxiety for 13 Mo

Have her parents keep a routine when they drop her off. They shouldn't make it drag out or she'll think that them leaving is a big deal. For example, mom can bring her in and say, "I'll see you at 3:00. Give me a high-five!" They high-five and the mom leaves like it's no big deal. If the mom looks upset at all, her daughter will pick up on this. And she needs to stick to this each time. They can practice at home, too. The mom can run to the store (leaving dad with daughter) and do the routine. The girl will soon understand that they always come back. As for her time with you, keep distracting her with different things (books, stickers, bubbles, dancing, music, etc.). Hope this helps!

Sounds like you know the basics. Let's try some sensory comfort. Find out what cologne Mom wears or shampoo. Use it so you smell like family. does this little one bring her favorite toy, blanket or comfort items? Place them on her own blanket on the floor. Food is probably the last thing on her mind when she is crying but having her favorite food cooking in the kitchen in the morning may help. Also watch for other changes like molars coming in or an ear infection that just hasn't shown full symptoms. Sounds like a lucky little girl to have a caregiver willing to find out what she needs instead of just saying it is a bad fit from the very start.

Good Morning M., our 3 yr old grandson had a touch of this when he got old enough to realize he was going to stay with Nana (me) and momma had to go to work (make the bacon) I have cared for him since mom went back to work after maternity leave. I have his baby brother now also.
Since the baby is so young yet and its cold out I go over to their home in the mornings. What I have done now with Corbin is we stand at the back door and we wave Bye Bye momma, throw kisses etc. Then we race to the front window for some more waves bye bye.

I know this would be difficult to do in a day care sitting, but it is fun for them when you make it fun. When he asked in times past where momma and daddy were, I always responded they are "Makin the Bacon".

At 13 months it is very difficult for them to realize Mom will be back, because the time factor in their little minds is not the same as ours. You could maybe start by letting her know momma will be back after nap time or after snack time. I made up a silly song for a while and thought our gr son had forgotten all about it until last week when he pulled back the curtain and started singing, She'll be coming around the corner when she comes. Then said Sing wiff me Nana! We sing until she comes in the driveway, usually no more then 3-5 minutes. Corbin has a great imagination and can create his own verses for the song. It is always silly and fun!

Just let the little one know your there for her and she will be ok and come around. Smile at her often, throw air kisses for everyone to catch, ask them if they caught their kisses then rub them in. Our eldest gr son would like wipe off kisses, well we call it rubbing them in now and it is awesome. It will happen and she will be ok .

Good Luck to you
K.
PS I have always been blessed to be a SAHM. Nana to 5 great kids, wife for 37 yrs to my high school sweetheart, mom of 2 great son's, two beautiful daughters in law.

I ran a day care for a several years, and this is not unusual for the first week, however, this is a bit severe. You will really need the parents' help, too.
The parents need to play Peek-a-boo with her, and this includes hiding from her for a few seconds at first, and then extend the time to longer and longer periods of being out of her sight. You can do the same with her, and encourage other children to do so. This helps a child understand that even when things go away, they come back.
Since she has had only one other sitter, this can be hard on one so young. Time will help. So will the other children getting involved with her. She may need a little extra attention for a little while, but she should get over this soon. If she did OK with the other babysitter, she will get through this.

I would recommend that you have something from home waiting for her at the babysitters. I tried this technique when my daughter was a bit older and I was forced to take part in a welfare reform program in order to obtain assistance through the state. The beginning was rough for my child the first little while through the adjustment period. The preschool staff and teachers also had a rough time on their hands as all she wanted to do was cry and cry loud.

As much as we hate to see our children cry, sometimes it is what is best for them to learn to deal with their own feelings. As long as you know your child is safe if the key factor. However, to help transition, I also tried (which helped) was providing the daycare something familiar from home for my child to deal with being away from me. While my child was a bit older and the daycare was a neighbor familiar to my child, we would meet the daycare provider at the bus stop in the morning, give her the item from home (a doll), which her younger daughter would babysit until my daughter came home from school and then my daughter would bring her doll home when I picked her up and tell me about her day.

Another method could be attending the daycare center with your child and slowly wean them off of you by the child spending more and more time there with you there less.Just as you would stop any addiction...from drinking, smoking, or any bad habits. This would stay start by leaving your child with the daycare provider for 1 hour alone. The next time try 2 hours alone with the daycare provider until you work up to a full 8 hour work schedule. Babies sometime require baby steps.

While this may sound a bit blurred and rambled on..I hope I have been able to get my point across without too much confusion.

Bottom line is you have many alternatives.

1) You can choose to stay home longer with your child; however, it might be better for the two of you in the long run to deal with the separation anxiety now instead of when she is much older.

2) You could gradually put her into daycare and allow both of you the time to get use to the idea.

3) You could put her into daycare care for full or part day and provide something familiar (e.g. a toy) from home to help deal with the change.

4) Try something new altogether.

Good luck!

Why not try not leaving him?!? He's 13 months old and needs his Mommy. I don't understand the rationale of putting our kids through so much stress and agnoy and lable it as "seperation anxiety". Our babies need us and the last thing I'd ever put my baby through if I could help it would be anxiety!!! If it was a 6 year old, I could see trying a few different approaches... but a baby?!?

I also work with toddlers and have seen this before. This is very typical for this age group, as you know. It's so nice to hear that you want to help her bond with you by holding her. I can't stand it when I hear teachers say that they don't want to hold children because they are afraid they will get too used to being held. Children adjust so much faster when they can bond with you, then they feel safe to go off on their own and explore--as opposed to being ignored so that they don't get too attached.

One 18 month old in my class went to Chicago and stayed with her grandparents for a week while her parents went on vacation. The first week she came back, she was fine. However, the next few weeks after that, she behaved the same way as the little girl you are describing. What helped the most was that we asked her mom to bring in a few pictures of both of her parents. We laminated them and let her hold them throughout the day gave them to her when she was upset. We talked about mom and dad a lot and reminded her that they would come back.

Something else that helps a lot is having the parents create a routine when they get to your house. Have them continue to hold her while they put her things away, then hugs and kisses (sometimes a little phrase or something they repeat each day can help create some predictability or routine), say good-bye, then leave. Please explain to them that they are welcome anytime, but the longer they linger in the morning, the harder it makes it for the little girl. Lingering would show her that they are uneasy about leaving her and she will pick up on their anxiety. Make sure they stay positive so she will be confident that they are leaving her in a good place.

Please make sure they do NOT sneak off while she is not looking. This would make her anxious that they could leave at anytime when she isn't looking and make the problem worse.

I also had a little boy who did not want to be cuddled or held. He took a very long time to adjust. In order for him to know that I liked having him there and that he was safe, I would often smile at him from a distance. He eventually began to sheepishly smile back. This helped us create a bond and he eventually became more willing to let me hold him or sit on my lap.

Many kids like fun music, bubbles, engaging activities. Even something that she doesn't have to participate in but just watch, like bubbles, could help her warm up over time.

Remember that it can take 6-8 weeks for a child to fully adjust. I would let her parents know this so they don't expect her to adjust too quickly. Hope this helps!

Hi M. I can understand this one cause my son had this my oldest--in fact he would lock me out of my car so he would not have to stay at babysitters or school he had other issues to something though is wrong I feel anyways ask how she sleeps is she scared of anything day or night mabey get another child to go to her and play together this is serious issue cause it can get worse when older at least it did for me ask if she has been left long periods of time any where else or any other problems the child may have night mares ect.I would have the parents stay with her and play with the other kids but explaine they still have to leave and will be back you could try having the parent to get a favorite puppet hand 1 and talk to her befre they bring her ok then drop her off and the puppet says positive things to her then says im staying with you today have a name for the puppet too I think that will work I had to use puppets for my boys different voice tone too they loved it well gl tc D.

i am a mom so coming from a different angle, i was really sensitive as a child and had HORRIBLE separation anxiety - i've heard the stories all my life! so with my son (18 mo) i was prepared. he has not had it bad but i have always made going to the sitter's a "happy" experience, i would never want him to catch on that i was sad about it at all, because he picks up on my moods like crazy. that said, we have had lots of mornings that he has been upset when i leave - i have stuck to my routine and made sure to tell him "i love you, i'll be back soon." he has no idea what "soon" is, but i want him to know i'll ALWAYS come back. i also am firm about one goodbye kiss and hug, then i'm gone. i don't look back, and i don't give in to more cuddles. when we first started taking him there, we spent some time playing with the other kids and hanging out - and i always check in with the sitter to see how "things" are going. there's only so much you can do as a provider, it's really up to the parents, so i would talk to them and see if there is anything they could do to make the transition easier. it sounds like there are deeper issues, and i don't want to judge the parents, but it does sound like something that they need to address. hope that helps!

I do in home day care also, so I feel for you. Try getting out the bubbles or turning on fun music. My son freaked out about going to a Mothers Day Out program until one day the teacher got out the bubbles. Like a miracle, he was fine after that. Just an idea. Lots of luck.

M. G

My son was pretty difficult from the get-go so I tried right away to start handing him off to as many people as possible simply because when he got to be a year or so, I didn't want him to be one of those kids that only Mommy can hold or do anything with. Now that he's 14 months, I still try to leave him with a friend for periods of time, even if we don't need it. I've found that a special blanket or toy will help.
But you also have to remember that (with most kids, not mine though) out of sight out of mind works really well. I watch a 18 month old during the week and boy should you hear him scream when his mommy leaves.... but most days he's fine with 1 or 2 minutes of her leaving.
Good luck and remember... if your child ends up having the worst separation anxiety ever, that too will pass.

When my kids have been in care for a few weeks I start to say in a sturn voice that everything is ok and she needs to play. I talk to them about what we are doing as we are doing it and I make sure that without a doubt they don't see me upset by their crying. They will eventually realize the other kids are happy and that they can and should be happy too. There isn't a whole lot you can do to make her adjust faster. But there's plenty you could do to feed into it and make it last longer. Just try and keep your own emotions out of it.

Suzi

Could the mom and the girl spend a little bit of time with you at your house for a couple hours? Just hanging out and playing? Maybe she'd be more comfortable with your house and being there after that.

I have found that all children around that age need to adjust. Most adjust within the first two weeks but I have had one that after 4 months still was not adjusted. He was so disruptive (screaming) that I had to ask him to leave.

Your little girl obviously was very attached to her first provider. All you can do is give her the space that you are doing. Show her how fun it is to be in your care. Show her that you love all the children. Invite her to join the other kids. Eventually she will come around. Maybe, occasionally just touching her gently on the shoulder to let her know you care. Maybe, ask her to help make your hand happy by holding it. You just have to build her trust.

I would also suggest having the parents spend some time at your day care with her there. When children see that their parents trust you then they will also begin to trust you. The children I have in my care that have parents that take the time to talk with me are the most behaved and well adjusted.

Good luck, I know how hard it is.

This is hard for me to do, but I have found that making the kids laugh really bridges the gap (literally). I take care of 18 mo. old children and if I come at them for hugs before they know me (and I love to hug and hold them) they back off, but if I put a blanket on my head and stumble around or do the sleep and wake up routine "Who woke me up?" or whatever then they head toward me and before you know it they are in my lap. Like I said it is hard for me but hey kids are easy critics.

I would recommend her mom or dad leave a special object, blanket or stuffed animal with their scent on it. Like perfume or cologne on it to snuggle during that separation. I always continually told my little ones that they were safe and mommies always come back. Blowing bubbles can also help. It's a great distraction.

You may want to try and sooth her with the thought that her parents will return and then immediately redirect her to something else. See if she is interested in a certain show or a book that you can read her daily. Make sure her parents are not sneaking out. Let them hug on her for one minute and kiss on her and then have them hand her to you and let you sooth her for a second. Make the parents go as soon as possible as a daycare provider you probably know that the longer the parents hang out the longer it takes for the child to get over them walking away. Plus, this waking up in the middle of the night, may be her changing daycare providers, but may also be something going on at home that your unaware of.........Parent's may be arguing or something. I know that sounds silly. Children are so connected to their caregivers, ie parents, and babysitters and when things are not going well, the children feel it emotionally......They are so attached to their surroundings and if everything is not as she is used to it, she will respond accordingly... Try and form some ritual that you can do every time she is dropped off....Cookies and milk....cereal and milk.... Make a ritual of your own with her....something special just the two of you do.... It will take a few weeks, but hey it's worth a try.......It's a thought......Good luck with her.....