Seeking Info on Divorce

oh K.. no, i haven't been in that position but wanted to send you some electronic hugs.
the thing right now for you to do is act as if that is really going to happen. don't give in, don't beg, don't cry in front of him. let him realize that if this is what he wants this is exactly what he will get. in meantime start looking at classes at the community college.
and make sure you get a good divorce lawyer so you don't have to be stranded financially. after all wanting to be single and selfish will cost him a lot. make sure of that.
make sure your daughter knows she's loved and cared for.
it will be ok. grass is always greener on the other side and i have heard from numerous couples that marriage goes amiss after the birth of children but it is not the reason to quit and leave. this is about him. not about you.
you'll be fine. you really with be fine
vlora

Okay, your husband has some issues going on. It is obvious that he really doesn't want a divorce but something is going on with him that he needs to talk about. I separated from my husband for about 6 months during this time we drove about an hour away once a week to see a counselor. I did a lot of research on counselors and they say it is very important to find the right one. One thing I am confused about is one minute you are saying that you are keeping this from your 2.5 year old but at the same time she is saying to "keep mommy and daddy together". Okay, so evidentally you and your husband are not keeping your issues from her sight. My daughter was three when I seperated and even then she did not have a clue what was going on. I just kept telling her daddy is at work and when he would call her she would ask where he was and he would say I am at work. She adjusted pretty well for being in a new house anytime she would say she wanted to see daddy we would see him. Counseling helped us a LOT and our desire to keep our family together brought us back. But me moving out woke him up. Two issues were he would never pick our daughter up from daycare or watch her so I could do things after 3 years that got old. Now he picks her up and watches her. Even though both of us were getting adjusted especially me on being by ourselves (I honestly loved it, I am a loner anyway) I am trying to make it work it has just been so easy for people to give up and I am willing to fight for our daughter. Since we have been back she has been more attached to him than ever.

COUNSELING--It works--but you have to lay it all out there don't hold anything back in counseling--

Is it possible he is bipolar?

hey, im G. 35 yrs old , single mother to three...i graduated at 16 years old and married my high school sweetheart...slowly lost all my friends ...i had one son at 17,a daughter at 19, and it seemed we had the perfect marriage... then one day he decided to tell me that he didnt love me anymore ...i was 22 with a 5 year old and a 3 year old ... he said he was gonna stay with a friend from work to think things over for a few days...i was sick... literally...i went to the doctor and found out i was 4 months preg on top of all this ...also found out his friend he was stayin with was a female who was preg too ...he still wanted to come every day and the hugs and kisses still came giving me hopes...till i just gave up after a year of waiting ... its not fair to you or your baby...get the divorce now !!! i was a kid when i met him and had no job experience either ...i was preg too remember,,,i went and signed up for government help till i had my baby... i went to beauty school... they gave me help with childcare costs...all this was back in 1994 !!! my kids grew up fine...they are now 18, 16 and 13 !!! we are doing fine !!!youll be ok ... dont let him give you false hopes to waste more years of your life ...

My guess is maybe he's just confused about what he wants. How old were you when the two of you married?

3 years ago I thought I wanted to get a divorce, mainly cause I was depressed and just unhappy with the way our relationship was going. He refused counseling when I suggested it so I said at the time I wanted a divorce. We were apart for about 6 months before we changed our minds and decided to stay together. It hasn't been smooth sailing since but we realized we don't want anyone else.

My point is maybe he's just confused about the relationship and maybe some counseling would help?

I have recently legally separated from my husband and live in the DC area. There are many recources available for you. First find a free legal service through the courts (500 Indiana...Judiciary Square metro off the red line). They offer mediation services (MultiDoor) too. Your husband sounds like he wants his cake and eat it too. DONT LET HIM. If you do not respect yourself and view your worth as priceless, nirther will he. He needs to understand what a divorce means and the consequences. That is not a word that is throw out without fully understanding what that means...ex. there is no intimacy, back rubbing, talking about thing unrelated to your child, kissing, "date nights",etc. It sounds like you guys might want a legal separation to evaluate if you have something worth saving. But, do not let him play on your love for him. Love yourself babe!

Dear K.,
It sounds as though you and your husband are still in the process of becoming parents and married (a lifelong process) AND trying to become adults at the same time. Please try and focus on developing yourself into a strong mother for your daughter's sake. Pursue your dreams for yourself. Work on your education, a career. That way whatever your husband decides you are able to stand on your own feet and protect your daughter. She needs you more than anything. Try not to focus on your husband and his going back and forth. It will drive you crazy and prevent you from developing yourself into the best mother and person you can be. Write out a list of three things you can do each day to create the future you want for yourself, just as if your husband wasn't in the picture. Then, if he decided to come back, you'll have a life of your own and this man you love.

Well the counseling sounds like a good start. It does seem very confusing. A lot of back and forth with everyone's feelings. After a few counseling sessions, if it is still apparent that a divorce is unavoidable, the you should hire an attorney. The state may be able to offer an attorney that is free or inexpensive. Try calling child support services. It is very nice of your friend to be so supportive at this time. It is great that you have her. You may have to lean on your family a little as well. I went through a divorce about 12 years ago. It can be difficult but you sound like you are being very reasonable and doing all the right things. Stay strong!!

Hi K.-
THose are some really strong fighting words coming from your husband. The words "never loved you" are serious. He should have never got married. First thing you need to do is find a job that has insurance. In the mean time, get some government assistance for your daughter. I doesnt take much to qualify for it, but at that age she needs coverage no doubt. He will probably still keep her on his plan but just so you know for backup. The program is called MCHP and you can find it through the department of Health and Mental Hygiene for Maryland.
Do not let him into your heart anymore because that will just make things very difficult for YOU. I am sorry to hear that your daughter already knows what is going on at such a young age. Yo are doing well by remaining unbiased in her relationship with him.
Take care and let us know how things go.

he is your regular "cake and eat it too" man. and frankly I don't believe for one minute there isn't another woman - explains the mood swings (guilt, compensate, depressed, happy - standard text book affair behavior). I would seek Christian counseling, pray, find prayer partners and insist he honor his commitment to the marriage and his child.

I really dn't think that you two need to see a marriage counselor, I believe he needs to see a counselor. Don't allow his actions and mood swings cause you to think that the problem lies within you. You seem to have it all together. Let me ask you a question? Are you involved with a local Church? If not, maybe you should, I'm sure you know someone that goes. I find that spiritual leaders can help a great deal in helping or directing you to someone who can help. I believe that your husband loves you, but there is something that he wants to do and is using the divorce tactic to push you away until he accomplishes what he wants to do. My husband has not mentioned divorce, but he has cheated on several occassions in our 12 years of marriage. Once we got involved in Church and followed the way God wants us to live, things really started to change, thank God! And that's not to say that he will agree to go to church, but you have to do this for yourself and your child, believe me if you continue to be faithful in going, he will eventually follow. Pray about it an give it a try. God love you, your husband, and your child and He doesn't approve of divorce unless there is proof of adultery. We made it, and I had a reason to divorce my husband, but I stuck it out, and tody, I'm glad that I did and so are our 7 children. I'll be praying for you and your family. Keep your head up through this storm in your life; remember all storms come to pass.

Trecey68

K.,
I am so sorry you and your daughter have to go through this. I can totally understand how you feel and I can relate to the roller coaster ride of emotions. My boyfriend has gone from proposing to me to leaving me the next day. We have two children, 6 months and 18 months. I am currently going to school and do not have a job. He says he'll pay for rent and expenses but he's never been able to keep his word in the past so I am terrified that we will not have a home soon.

OK. Here's my advise. It hurts like hell. That's ok. It'll get easier. Just try to surround yourself with friends - try not to be alone too much and let yourself think. Also, VENT, VENT, VENT!!! It's sooooo theraputic. As far as tking care of your daughter and daycare and all that stuff, I am in the same boat. I have called around to a few places and gotten some info but not everyone takes infants.

I know you don't know me and this is probably too forward, but if you want to talk, let me know. We can meet for coffee or you can emial me here. Please know that you are not alone and that there are a lot of selfish men out there. Having children always sounds fantastic, but having the responsibility of coming home to family and answering to someone isn't as appealling to many men. I give you lots of credit for being so civil with him.

L. P.

Hi K., I am A. 44, mother of 5, 3 boys, 2 girls, grandmother to two, twice divorced.

I didn't have the situation you have, both divorces were needed and wanted.

But honestly it sounds to me like your husband might be need to see a doctor; the mood swings are something to be concerned about. It is possible he has "bipolar disorder". I am not a doctor but it is suspicious that he goes from wanting a divorce etc., to wanting to comfort you and still be a family. Also his wanting a divorce just might be a defense mechanisim for him, it might be he is feeling overwhelmed and rather say "I need help dealing with some stuff" he figures if he gets rid of the marriage everything will be alright. It also seems to me he might be getting the "7 year itch" a bit early.

As for the emotional fallout for you, just be patient and make as stable an environment for you daughter as possible; keep her routine as much the same as you can. The consistency will help her the most. When I my husband and I broke up, I kept my 3 kids routine the same, it was hard, but it helped them to cope with the change, I also went back to my mom's house, which was someone they were used to seeing on a regular basis.

Pray and be patient.

I will also pray for you and your daughter and for your husband also.