Seeking Help with Relationships

I am so glad that you asked that because I am in a relationship I am not sure if I want to be in. My bf and I have been together for 4 1/2 yrs. I have 4 kids that still live at home and he has custody of his 2. I have lived with him for the past yr and I am not sure if I want to continue being here. His kids can do no wrong but he finds fault in all of my kids and he even spanks my 6 yr old so if you can get some good advice could you please send it my way? Thanks........I'm losing my mind.

A.,
I agree with you that no one should discipline your daughter but you. However, I do agree with the discipline your friend did, (I just think you should have did it). My son is now 10 years old, but when he was 2.5 he really started acting up, that is exactly what I did, I picked him up and removed him from whatever trouble he was into. I wasn't mean but I was stern. He needed to know that his actions weren't acceptable. Those little ones are very smart and believe me they can understand the difference between appropriate behavior and non appropriate behavior, as parents it is our responsibility to show them the difference. Keep working at it, I too was a single mom and thought there was no hope of a relationship and now I've been married for 3 years we've been together for 8)and my husband has adopted my son. All will work out, keep praying and God will protect you.

I totally agree with you. She is YOUR daughter, not his and a boyfriend has NO BUSINESS disciplining your child as you have no business disciplining his. I would definitely sit down with him and explain that you want to be the person to take care of the discipline of your child and it is not his job. Find a nicer way of saying it, I have a friend who is my filter lol. I have an older daughter from my first marriage and I am remarried now. The man I am married to now I have been with since my older daughter was 6 months old and she is now 15. We have been together almost 15 yrs and have been married for 9. He doesn't even do the disciplining with her now unless I ask him to. Other than maybe talking to her which he is better at than I am. I hope this helps.

M.

If you don't want them to be disciplining your daughter, then just tell them. Make sure that the close people in your life know how you feel about it. It doesn't sound like this friend is controlling...just expecting your daughter to listen and obey. If you don't want any one else to discipline then make sure you are doing the discipline. A 2 year old is very capable of listening and obeying. But you'll need to teach her that you expect that from her. This doesn't mean that you will have 100% obedience, but you can work towards that. If you let this slide not, you'll have an even harder time with her as she grows older. As for a boyfriend/husband...just be patient. God works in His time, not ours. It's better to be patient for the one He has picked out!

Hello A.. Sorry this is a problem for you. I can relate somewhat thru a few friends that had this problem too.
I few things I would look at if it was me.. would be... Is she running over me? (who is really in control?) Am I very consistant with my decipline? Just because she is 2 does not give her the right to not listen and do as she pleases. I know that age for girls is very hard most times but it makes it much easier if you stick to the disipline everytime and let people know that you should be the only one to disipline her so she doesnt get confused. Dont let someone else try to control you or your daughter if it bothers you. Things only happen if you let it happen. If you think your daughter is acting up then she should be disiplined or removed from the situation (gently). I am a firm believer in the Love and Logic parenting (theres a book available). Kids will push your buttons and she is trying to gain her independance right now too so maybe if you gave her lots of choices she would feel like she was in control and she would act better. Check out the book.. Its really good and they have one just for kids under 6 yrs.

As far as your relationships and people trying to control you... If you let it happen it will. Talk to these people and let them know that these things bother you and if it keeps happening then stand up for yourself and stop being friends with them. In the end you are the one with the total control here.
Good luck.

I believe that it is NEVER ok for a friend of yours to be somewhat mean to your daughter. It seems to me that he was acting out of frustration, however I feel that in his current position he has no right to dicipline your daughter. He is not the father figure/parent figure. You were right there, and so it is your responisbility to correct inappropriate behavior. I believe that every time someone other than a parent figure takes control like that, it sends a message to your daughter that you are incapable of managing her boundries. I feel this will cause her to listen to you less and less. If her aunts and uncles don't dicipline her a transitional person such as a boyfriend has no right. It is one thing if you were in the other room and didn't see the behavior, or something, but that isn't the case.

I don't know you as a parent, so I can't say that your dicipline style is right or wrong, but if something isn't working for you, you must change it. If your friend thinks there is a problem with the way you handle your dicipline, he can discuss that with you when there are no children around. If you and the father were married, you certainly wouldn't argue about how to dicipline her for touching the tv when you've told her 10 times not to while she is standing right there. He can leave the room, then when it is appropriate discuss his problem with you. Maybe advice from another parent is a good idea...that depends on YOU because ultimately YOU are the mom.

I also have a 2yr old and I can go from happy to exasperated in 6 seconds with him. Don't touch that, leave that alone, I said don't play with that...I think with 2 yr olds you can talk to them til you are blue in the face and they won't listen. Removing them is the most effective tool I've discovered. I think 2yr olds require physical dicipline. By that I mean, "uh oh, DS, don't climb on that...." He does it again, so I have to get up and pick him up and set him down somewhere else rather than repeat myself over and over. In my house, that is cause for a tantrum complete with stomping, flailing and screaming. "Uh oh, DS, you can stop crying or have a time out.." usually he is too involved in the tantrum to hear me, and that requires me to get up, tuck him up under my arm like a football (to avoid the kicks, and you can get a good grip even with the extreme back arching and head butting) carry him up to his room (which is his time out place). I set him down, tell him when he can be nice he can come back out, put the baby gate up in his doorway and walk away. Some people just ignore their child right there and let them have the tantrum in their face. I am intolerant of that and choose ro remove him entirely from the room I am in. He is absolutely welcome to have a tantrum whenever he chooses, but it is my choice not to have to look at it. Sooner or later he stops and I go get him and that's the end of it.

If you are consistant, gentle and firm (never let something slide because you've had a long day and ignoring it, or being a broken record is easier...you'll just sabotage yourself) you will see improvements when you tell her not to do something.

Sorry. What it boils down to is that a boyfriend doesn't have the right to dicipline your child instead of you when you are right there. If he is unhappy with the situation, he needs to leave the room until you've resolved it, and then he can discuss it with you when the child is not around. You are the mom, YOU must do the dicipline. Should you and your friend ever be married or living together, then how to manage and dicipline the children should be at the top of your premarital negotiations list so that you are both on the same page BEFORE hand. I am of the opinion that until he and you decide for him to be a permanent father figure, he has no right to act like one and undermine you with your daughter.

C.

This one could be tricky. A two-year-old really is capable of learning to behave, and it sounds like you might need to take a more active role in discipline. If you think that either of these guys were out of line, then you need to tell them. I have some friends that i have disciplined their children, when they seriously needed it. And I've had friends that have disciplined my child when he was out of line, too. This isn't a big deal to me. It takes a village to raise a child. In these cases, i was never a danger to anyone's child, and never felt that my son was in danger from the discipline he recieved. If you think these guys were doing actual harm to your daughter, then don't allow that to happen again, whatever that takes.

As for discipline, your daughter is capable and should be listening to you. Every time you let her get away with something, you are giving her permission to do it again. While that doesn't seem like a big deal now, just wait until she's bigger, and you really can't control her. For now, you should give her one warning to stop a bad behavior. If she does not stop, redirect her attention from what she is doing wrong. Foe example, if she is hitting a child, tell her "(say her name first), do not hit. it is not nice." If she does it again, go to her, look her in the eye, and tell her that hitting is wrong, you warned her, and now she needs a time out for two minutes.

If the bad behavior is something small, you could try a warning followed by distraction. If she's coloring on a wall, tell her to stop, because mommmy has to work hard to clean that. If she fails to listen, take her to a table, and color on some paper with her.(as she gets older, if she makes a mess like that, make her clean it up.)

Hopefully, this will help you out in more than one way.

2 yr olds can be very difficult to handle in the best situations, they will test everyone and everything. It sounds like this guy failed the test miserably, pass on this one!!!! No one should be disciplining your daughter except you. You pick your butt up and correct her behaviour or you will regret it later when she's a teenager and has no respect for you.

I am a true believer that someone other then the mother or the father should only lay hands on the child. I do not believe grandparents aunts uncles of any kind should ever touch your kids. I do think they should be able to disipline them but if you are there to disipline her then you need to not them. If this man is not in your life but as a friend he really should let you handle her behavior. As well as any man that you are dated unless you intend to let that be her adopted father or her stepfather in some way. You need to let these men know that she is your daughter and you can handle her your self. Two years old is a tough age I can tell you that and it really gets rougher at the age of 3 so just hang in there and be stearn with her. Good Luck to you....

A.,

You are not over-reacting. She is your daughter and no one else has the right to discipline her-- and certainly not to put their hands on her. I have a 2 1/2 year old son and while he listens pretty well most of the time, he certainly does not all of the time and they don't always put the disciple and their actions together yet. It sounds like you have a lot going on it in your life. I know it is hard to not be in a relationship- but I would wait until you find someone that respects you and your daughter.

FYI- I grew up in Midland (my parent's still live there). I haven't lived there in almost 13 years. I don't know what church you go to- but Trinity Lutheran Church has a wonderful pre-school program when your daughter turns 3.

Hi my name is Tia, 28yrs old I have a 3 year old daughter, My advise to you is to focus more on you and your daughter and not on these different men.It appears from this letter that you've had two boyfriend Since you daughter has been two, That's a no no, You don't allowed men to your home or around your daughter, exspecially if you not seriously involved,2. and you also do not give any man discipline right that he has not earned, and I see you called you child "wild" she TWO not seventeen she can't be wild, she is want you "allow" her to be.Put God first, and focus on the important things in life, being a good mother, daughter and Sister. I know your probably lonely, and overwhelmed with all you responsibility, Don't you time is coming, God has created a man just for you!!!!

A. I was a single mom for 7 years before I met the man of my dreams that part of life is just something that takes time. The one advise I can give you and you may not think so but a man is not needed. Take pride in what you do as a single mom and know that you are doing everything possible to raise her the right way. That bieng said no-one has the right to dissapline your child except you. The exception would be daycare or school I only once in 7 years had a man try to dissapline my daughters and he was gone quick. Don't get me wrong if he is doing something like getting her out of a dangerous situation say the stove or fire then it's ok. But if anyone grabbed my child and removed her from the room I would be livid, to say the least. It is probably the reason she is acting up, I personally would sit him down and say look if she's doing something wrong please tell me and I will deal with her or maybe we could hang out when I get a sitter. On a side note they don't call them the terrible twos for nothing but a 2 year old has the capacity to listen and behave trust me I have raised 3 of them so far. Consistancy with discipline is the key and if you ever want to chat I am here in coleman my email is ____@____.com remember even though I am married now my husband is on the road 5 days a week so I am still a single mom mostly take pride in that focus on your job, church and child and the rest will fall into place. God bless you and good luck.

I think you should just talk with your guy friend first. If he really did just remove your daughter from the situation, he may have not thought of that so much as "discipline" as he thought he was doing you a favor. People have such different views about discipline and maybe he didn't see that situation in the same way you did. You said you'd never seen him act like that with your daughter before, so I think a talk with him might clear up the problem. If you feel very firm that you want to be the only one to discipline your child, then you should tell him and he should respect that. Maybe you could tell him that you don't mind him telling your daughter "hey, listen to your mommy!" or something like that (of course, unless you don't want him saying that either), but any type of "stronger" discipline should be handled by you and only you. Two year olds can be quite wild at times, and maybe (if his daughter is older) he has forgotten that and needs a reminder.