Seeking Help with My Husband.

Dear A.
DO NOT NAG, it will only force him to be more defiant when you need help.I would start by observing if he does anything, then praise him for it, even if the only thing he did that day is rinsing off his dinner plate, sometimes that can help him want to do more.......or have him decide on what "chores" he would like to help you with, leave it up to him, then remind him only when it did not get done, or offer to "help" him with it, do not do it for him. I had this problem, i sometimes still do, he will not put his laundry away, i work full time and have 2 teens(step kids) and 21 month old twin boys, so i just let it sit in the bedroom, although i put all his dirty stuff, in a corner in his side of the room, and let him live out of the clothes basket, when he realized he had no clean clothes, he was upset at me, i just shrugged my shoulders.
It can be trying but you need to be patient, it will happen

Hi,
My boyfriend was raised the same way, so maybe I can help. The way I handled it was this, I calmy told him that I would really appreciate his help (men love to feel needed) and I would leave a little list and told him when I needed it done by. That way, he didn't feel like he had all this stuff to do right when he got home from work. For an example, if laundry needed to be put away, I would ask if he could do it on sunday after the football game. Or, if dishes needed to be done, I'd ask if he could please get it done before he went to work. I didnt tell him when to do it exactly, but I just kindof gave him a guideline. Now, he's still not a freak by any means about cleaning, but he does make up for it in other areas. For instance, he'll get up early with our daughter a few days a week so I can sleep, or he'll make dinner, take the trash down, let the dogs out, start laundry etc. Little things like that that make my life easier. If I am tired or sick, all I have to do is ask and he'll do it, so try not to sweat small things. Also, the jealousy and all is just immaturity. Are the men you are talking to people he knows to? If not, that could be the problem. Honestly, if my boyfriend was hanging out and talking to girls I didn't know, I wouldn't go for it either. If he's not interested in going out, just make plans one night a week, or a couple of times a month to hang out, like go to dinner or something. Or, you could even take your daughter and the 3 of you do something. Just let him know how much it would mean to you. Playing video games could just be in way of relaxing and escaping things for a while. If it's an every day thing, unplug it and say, 'we are going out,'. But, if hes a good father, provider, and husband, I wouldn't pick at him too much. At least hes not wanting to go to the bars every night lol. Good luck

I'm not sure this will help but my husband was also waited on hand and foot by his mom. She even made his bed until the day he moved out!! I didn't like the mess and told him I was not his mom and didn't plan to be. He would lay his clothes on the floor in the bedroom so one day when I was fed up, I picked up the whole pile and in his closet they went. When his clothes didn't get washed, he started taking care of them! He is a good helper around the house now and in fact, probably better than most. You have to put your foot down because if you've taken care of him from the start by waiting on him as I assume, he won't get better unless you do something different.
If he likes to live in the filth or doesn't care, I sure wouldn't have any more kids with him because it sounds like you have plenty to do. I have four boys but I wouldn't have had my husband not helped out. Give him the option. Good luck~ being a mother is a unrespected job isn't it?

HI A.,

I second the last response. Being a mother is a very unrespected job, from a man's standpoint! My boyfriend doesnt do anything either, and even still when we visit his mother, she does everything! Your not alone, If i were you, I'd just stop doing for him all the time and let it go. That is hard for me to do because I am anal about my house, but he will get the point!

Good luck!

Hi A.! My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years. When we first got married we went through something similar. His mother taught him nothing and did EVERYTHING for him! I finally had to sit him down at the table (otherwise he'd watch tv and not listen) and tell him that I don't like the house to be a mess. I told him that we each needed to do our part in cleaning up after ourselves. Of course when we had our first child I started staying at home and all of that went out the window. Since it's my job to stay at home I feel that I should do most of the work, but would like a little recognition every once in a while. I had my wisdom teeth out about 9 months ago and made my husband stay home from work to help with our son. While he was home I made him cook, clean a little, and even do laundry. I wanted him to see what I do on a daily basis. Even though it wasn't exactly what I do, he found a new respect for me. He no longer questions what I do every day while he's at work. And he even offers to help with dinner and the dishes when he gets home. okay, I know I've been rambling...sorry! I guess what worked for us was talking and making him see just how much I do! Good luck!

You may want to consider paying someone to clean your house every week or every other week. It really doesn't cost that much. My friend started doing that because her husband wouldn't help her either, she has three kids, and was very overwhelmed. I don't think you will have much luck in making him change.

As far as the jealousy goes, that's a whole other issue that may need to be worked on via counseling. You really need to nip that problem in the bud now before it consumes you both. My ex husband never did anything with me. I basically had a completely seperate life from him after awhile. Eventually, I did the wrong thing and did cheat on him. He never trusted me ever again and the relationship was doomed.

Unfortunately, its very hard to change a man. Especially a man that was raised that way. Therapy might help him get a neutral person to explain to him your side of things. Also, if he gets jealous of you talking to guys, when you are married, you have to learn that its about respect. Do you get jealous when he talks to other girls? My husband is the same way and I prefer to have less drama around the house by not doing things that I know he does not like which is me talking to other guys. Its just a respect thing.

I don't have advice that would work. I know what doesn't work b/c I've been married to someone almost like that for almost 22 yrs! My Hubby rarely cleans / helps w kids, etc. He does cut grass, but that's it...and he does it begrudgingly. Mine sits on the sofa all night totally tired and spent from his work day with his lap top and or sci-fi shows on TV. (usually both!) He rarely wants to go out and do things beyond going places w his parents...He's always tired and napping all weekend. I always go to kid things like games alone. I function like a single mom, but at least he works and brings home a decent check. All I can say is You're not alone! I understand how abandoned you might feel!

I'm not much of a cryer. I don't whine or throw fits, but I know some girls / women who do. I just can't do it, and I can't fake it. I also can't make empty threats about leaving unles I was prepared to actually do it. That would involve months and months of financial planning for me. Anyway, I would advise against threats you can't actually carry out. I would also not throw huge fits and waste up your own energy. If he won't be decent for the right reasons, it's a shallow victory. Save your energy for the more important things like your kid and your work...You'll need it to keep going for both of you / all 3 of you.

My Hubby has a lot of that SAD...Social Anxiety Disorder, I think. To a degree it can't be helped...it's a part of who he's become and what his mom or dad did to him before I ever figured into his life. He was better when we dated and 1st got married. He slacked after kids were born. I've quit trying to change him or even wishing he would make a change himself. He's content with himself and is incapable of understanding that I would want more. Maybe that's part of the disorder. He won't take an RX. Could your Hubby have SAD? Would he be willing to try an RX for a while and see how it goes? Would he go to a doc and accept help if he knew it would make you happier? P.

IF you find the answer to this, let me know! My DH is 33 and yes, I still think he thinks I'll be his mommy and pick up his trail of clothes. One thing I did do, because picking up after a toddler all day is frustrating enough, is to make a chart on our wipe off board of days we are responsible for. Monday, Wednesday and Friday, he has to pick up the house and put away dishes while I get Ellie ready for bed, the other nights, I do it while he does nite time stuff. Try not to argue over it, but bring it up when both of you are in a good mood and just say, I understand that a clean house is not the most importnat issue to you, which is good, because I don't want to be a neat freak, but it would make me SOOOO happy if you could say, pick up your clothes and some toys befor you watch TV at night.

As for the video game system, I got mad and sold it to a friend. It's for kids, not adults, so go get some big boy toys, and get off the couch. So I let him get a basketball hoop putside, which was fine, because he lasts on it maybe an hour before Ell drives him nuts to play with her.

I know exactly what you mean! My MIL keeps her house spotless but the only chore my husband had was to take out the trash-0every 4 weeks - because he has 4 siblings. He doesn't do a single thing and expects me to be just like his mother! absolutely not! If you can stand it, whenb you do laundry do yours and your babys, do his once every other week, that's what I do and if he doesn't like it he'll do it himself( my husband), same with the dishes. Wonce I quit making dinner and when he would ask what we were eating I would say whatever your making he would complain but he knew that our daughter had to eat so he would make it then I would clean it up. Those were my extreme tactics, more subtle ones are to just leave a small list and politely ask him if he could take care of those things for you by the end of the week. By giving him a week there is no room for complaining. With the list my husband now just does them so he doesn't have to hear it from me. We've been married for 2 1/2 years.

Sounds pretty typical, not sure how much advise I have, but my husband doesn't do anything as far as cleaning (or rather didn't). He does though want the house to be clean and orderly. So I do strive to keep it that way -- he is usually gone (travels alot) and I work wknds, so he watches our son while I work and sleep (I work nights). He wasn't helping out on the wknds -- he claims he has other things to do around the house(and he does). But I had to be firm with him, I explained and wrote down things that need to be done while I am at work -- my evening routine, load and turn on the DW, clean up after the baby, etc etc. It helps just talking about our feelings towards the house and it actually helps him to hear me say I want the house to be organized and we discuss ideas and why we want it that way and I tell him I need some help when he is home, even if it is to watch the baby wwhile I clean for an hr. So men usually think that their job is important and truely generally speaking they usually get pretty stressed at the workplace. My husbands jon is without a doubt very stressful and demanding and I respect that he needs time to think of nothing and play is ps2.