Seeking Help with 6Yo and Table Manners

some times you just have to punnish because lets face it, he is just not listening and taking notice of you.

my son is 3 he knows and does sit up straight elbow off the table (once in a while he will actually remind us of that) and he chews with his mouth closed.

how ever this did not come naturally, i get very grosed out about bad table manners.

the way we delt with it was after trying the nice approach, we played hard ball.

i told him if he didnt eat properly he could eat on the floor with the animals and on the days that threat didnt go over well i just took the food away and told him he could eat at the next meal when he would use the manners that we had taught him.

this lasted for a bout 4-6 meal times and touch wood we havent had a problem since.

sometimes being a parent means you have to be the adult and not just the peace maker, friend.

now you tell you hubby to get on the same page as you or eat somewhere else because you have to start training them from the get go because other wise you have to spend the time de-programming them and then re-programming them and why would you put your child and yourself threw all that. in my opinion that it just really cruel.

hope this helps.

L.:

Hello and good morning!

He's six. Pick your battles. He will model his behavior after you and your husband. This gives him a lot of attention and as long as he is getting that from you, he will continue to do it.

Unless he's throwing food or spitting it out - let it go. Just show him how you want him to behave and don't saw a word about it.

What you will find is that when you ignore it or don't mention it - you will find him doing the things that you want him to do so he can say "look mommy" and get your attention that way.

Hope this helps!

Cheryl

While I think you may be giving him too much attention for this, I don't think you should "pick your battles" to the point you just let it go entirely, either. With my daugher, now 8, I don't make a big deal of it, I just use what I think another mom called cues -- I very quietly say "Fork" and she knows I mean for her to hold it properly and not in a fist, or I can just raise my elbow slightly with a look at her and she knows it means get her elbows off the table. Sure, the elbows don't alway stay off and the fork gets turned around, but she tries and knows. This works now only because we've been working quietly but consistently on table manners for years, so don't get disheartened yet! But do lighten up on repetitions at any one meal, and maybe be less verbal about it, just trying quiet cues. If he's being really intentionally gross, or clearly disobeying on purpose, then yes, I'd make it an issue and maybe end his dinner after a warning, but you don't want it to become a daily power struggle just because he forgets. And kids this age have so much else to think about, so much else that's interesting, that he likely is just flat-out forgetting what to do even though if you look him in the eye and ask, he knows. It's not the priority for him that it is for you (but that's no reason to let it go!).

As far as kids not using manners at home but still knowing what to do properly when they're out in public -- Well, we've taken plenty of friends of my daughter's out to lunch or dinner and believe me, you can tell which ones have had manners emphasized at home! Your son will eventually learn that good manners make everyone around us more comfortable so everyone can enjoy themselves together. Good luck!

hey,
i have to agree with the moms who say put the foot down! we cant let our kids run us, it is up to us to make them into great people. I agree you should not be harsh with everything on the manners things but maybe an idea is to make a game out of it, you could tell him to pretend he is a hero like what is now a days superman, hulk, or whatever my kids like to pretend to be lava girl and shark boy....to tell him you are all being superheros and yall eat like superheros and maybe when he goes back to his gross ways....maybe he is not saving the world....i hope you get the idea....lol....i would put the foot down though somehow!good luck....really!

you're giving it way too much attention, which is reinforcing the bad behavior. either drop the subject entirely (but only if you're capable of doing that; if it's really bothering you and you can't hide it, then don't try to drop it b/c he'll know his behavior is still getting to you and it will continue) or enforce your rules. either way, the behavior will eventually stop, as long as you don't keep giving him the satisfaction of a fight with you.

so, if you're going to enforce the rules, that means if he breaks a rule, he gets one warning, and then dinner is over (for him). no discussion, no debate, no explanations, no nothing. once, you say clearly and without emotion: "manners. that's your warning." and at the second infraction, you say (again, calmly, simply, and without emotion): "that's it, you're done." and he's excused from the table (if he pitches a fit, he can go do it in his room). no dessert, no snacking, no argument, DO NOT ENGAGE, and yes he goes to bed hungry. keep your cool. he's not going to starve to death in one meal (or even two). do not let him talk you into food later. if he says he's hungry, you can acknowledge that tomorrow night he'll have the opportunity to eat right. and then disengage, do not talk about it further. the more you engage, the more he will whine, cajole, threaten, etc., and all of that is counter-productive. don't get into an argument about how you're not going to get into an argument about this, either. :) just walk away if he wants to fight about it. and if he follows you around pestering you, send him to his room. again, without debate, without a fight, without emotion, just "that's enough, you can go to your room now."

trust me, the behavior will stop, unless you get angry, or try to explain, or engage with him about this. as long as you keep your cool, don't talk about it (he doesn't need a long lecture, he's 6, he knows the rules and he's just trying to get to you so don't let him!), then the cost of the behavior will be greater than the benefit, and the behavior will stop. if you engage with him, then the cost is well worth it, and it will continue.

I know it sounds simplistic, but it really is that simple. they're kids. they annoy. it's their job. you're a parent. you parent. it's your job. :)

good luck! and, fwiw, I really do feel for you. I know it's hard....