Seeking Feedback on 13 Year Old Son and My Ex

As usual, you are far more open to other points of view than many people are. Including your ex.

If your son had asked for this, begged for it or even agreed to it, there'd be some value to "stick it out" and "talk to the coach about ways not to be ready to vomit" (dialing it back, changing what he eats beforehand, warming up differently, etc.). And I do think kids shouldn't instantly quit what they ask parents to pay for.

But that's not what happened here. Your son, at 13, didn't have any say at all, and you weren't consulted. So your ex, whom we all know is difficult, decided he knew what was best and he wanted to be in control. And he still wants to be in control. Maybe he's mad at you, maybe he's mad at your son, maybe he thinks his value as a man or a parent is based on how tough his teenager is. You did urge your son to consider talking to the coach etc. but maybe the coach isn't approachable or maybe your son is already so pissed and feeling used/abused by his father that he's in no mood to give him any slack.

I think I'd brainstorm a little with your son about ways to approach his father - or perhaps write a letter - and I think it might be an good exercise in growth and maturity for your son to talk to the coach, even if it's just to explain that "This program isn't for me" and either say why (to help the coach perhaps improve if other kids have this problem) or at least learn to exit gracefully and politely. But other than that, I'd say you're totally on the right track here. Your ex's attitude is what drives kids away from these programs anyway. And it's what drove you away from him, if I recall!

JB-- I like your posts, mainly because you see that there's more to one side of the coin and are asking for a reality check, if one is needed.

Personally, I agree with you. This isn't an academic "you are failing a course and need tutoring/summer school to catch up" or something monumental. I think kids should listen to their bodies. It doesn't sound like he's being a whiny quitter about hockey, it's something that you both knew he didn't enjoy last year and your ex decided to sign him up anyway. From other comments, I think your ex also has issues regarding what 'men' are supposed to behave/be like.

I always tell my son that, when it's his free time, do what you enjoy. It doesn't mean 'don't set goals' or letting our kids breeze through life, but sports should be enjoyable and played within one's physical limits. I think about all of the young people I know who were extremely dedicated to sports, who have had surgeries pretty young in life due to blown out knees or other injuries.... those kids were internally very driven. They were wanting to play college level for scholarships and to continue in the sport, possibly professionally, coaching. This isn't your son's goal. Why take something he enjoys and make it miserable? When I sign my son up for camps, it's so he can learn skills in the areas he's interested in (mostly tech stuff, he's not a sport sort of kid). He loves them because it's filling something up inside him. I'm sure your son feels the same way about playing hockey at his chosen level.

I think your ex can just flap in the wind on this one.

Just coming at this from an entirely different but "big picture" angle -

I think you need to consider possibly revising your custody agreement, whatever clause allows your ex to unilaterally enroll your son in stuff. You are heading into the competitive high school years now and who knows what else your ex might decide is "good for him", whether hockey-related or other.

I, too, appreciate your balanced view of things and your generosity in accepting different points of view.

I also concur with those who said that if your son had begged for this and then wanted to quit, it might be worthwhile and beneficial in the long run to encourage him to stick with the sessions. As parents, we often enroll our kids in things but that's usually when the kid is really little (like taking your baby to a mother and baby exercise class, or signing your 5 year old up for some kind of lessons). But your son is 13, and old enough to make some decisions about how he wishes to pursue or not pursue sports, and at what level, albeit with some encouragement or appropriate guidance from you.

To me, this seems more about your ex being unhappy with you, and less about how he wants your son being a skilled hockey player. It seems as though your ex is trying to "fix" what he sees as shortcomings on your part: he's accused you being too soft, not being willing to instill discipline in your kids, and seems to be generally taking out his dissatisfaction with you on your son.

I don't see any merit to your ex's position. I see merit in talking with your son about personal goal-setting, self-discipline, how to accomplish what is best for him, how to be the best "himself" that he can be. And also, make sure to talk with him about how to deal with his dad when his dad does things like this, without screaming or fighting. How can your son handle this? He can call you, or he can tell the coach that he did not sign up for this class and was forced into it against his will, and he can become strong and stay respectful and calm.

I think you did the right thing. By pushing your son into something he is not enjoying and is making him ill, he is only going to resent his father for forcing him to stay in this intense program that he never even considered attending. If he had begged his father for the chance to enroll and now wanted to back out after dad paid for the whole semester, I could understand pushing the issue, but the father enrolled him without asking him if this was something he wanted to do, or even discussing it with you. To me, this seems to be an issue of control, and the fact your ex is personally taking this as you and your son implying he has no control over any aspect of your lives, which is making him blow up.

Your son is seeing this as a fun way to blow off some steam, but not as a future career. If he had mentioned wanting to become a hockey player and get a scholarship at one point, I could then maybe see his father's intention of pushing him and steering him in that direction because your son expressed that desire at one point. I don't see why your ex can't just let his son decide on his own, in the future, if he feels he needs to train more intensely and then sign up for this training, versus forcing him into it now if your son isn't up to it or doesn't feel he needs it. Your son is old enough to view himself versus the other players, and decide if he needs to work harder to improve. He's only going to become more miserable and resentful of his dad by forcing him into it, in my opinion.

I think you handle this just right.

One little thing popped into my head while reading. Did you mention to your ex the possibility of him going inside and talking to the trainer about your son being sore and could he make some adjustments? You mentioned that idea to your son, but maybe if you mentioned it to your ex, that would have been a compromise for both of them. Just a thought.

I know many parents believe that by 12 years old the kids should be the ones talking to their coaches or talking to their teachers about issues and that the parents need to push the kids to do that. My oldest is 11, so I'm not there yet, but that idea feels like a lot of pressure for a kid. I'm hoping to help my son get to that point, but I'm thinking I'm might still do some of it for him or with him for awhile.

I admit that I can't stand your ex. So maybe my answer reflects that, but I still think it's a good answer.

This is all about your ex. He thinks of himself, only, just like he did when you two were married. He doesn't care about your son's feelings. He cares about how it makes him feel to have a son who is a good hockey player. If he had cared about your son's feelings, he would have ASKED his son for input before signing him up.

If you give in to your husband and make your son finish, he will continue to do things "his way" without asking his children how they feel. .

I would teach your ex a lesson here. He loses money by doing this. Period. Nothing else will teach him.

If a child asks to be signed up then yes, they need to finish. If a parent signs them up for their own good THAT is where the slippery slope starts in forcing them to finish.

We MAKE our kids attend martial arts...I take them twice a week. They complain going but have fun when they get there and to me and my DH it is a life skill they will thank us for later....well maybe.

This is totally different it is because your EX has higher expectations that your son. And it is about his ego not your son's desires to be a better player. (I actually thought this was going to be a complaint that ex wouldn't help pay for club hockey). I think what you did was fine.

I can see this from several perspectives. In general, I agree with you that the "finish what you start" philosophy doesn't apply here, since he was not asked if he wanted to do this, and it's pretty clear if he had been asked, he would have said no.

Nonetheless, I think it's worth sitting down with your son and asking him what his goals are with respect to hockey. If his goal is to play varsity hockey, then he needs a plan in place to get to that level. Playing on the club team this fall may help, but will it be enough? Will he be better able to take advantage of the club team training if he finishes out the intensive training this summer? If he doesn't want to do this intensive training, what will he do instead to make sure he's ready?

I 100% agree that it should be up to your son. But there is also benefit in setting a goal, then walking through the steps to decide what needs to happen to get from where he is now to put him in a position to achieve that goal. And he needs to understand that if he chooses not to take those steps, he might not meet the goal. Once he's not in the heat of the moment of an argument with his dad, I think it's worth walking him through this and then, with all the information in hand, letting him decide what his goal is, what the steps are to get there, and then decide again - does he want that goal enough to make the sacrifices it's going to take?

FWIW - I'm in a similar spot with my older with baseball. He says he wants to play at a higher level. Got a bad first impression of the program that will help him get to that level. Now he has to decide, how badly does he want to play at that level? Enough to suck it up and play for the coach he didn't like? Or be content at the community level he's at now (which means he likely won't have the opportunity to play in middle/high school). His decision, I can't make it for him. But I can help him understand the choices along the way and their consequences with respect to the end goal.

I don't know, honestly. If a kid is enrolled in something I make them go until it's over then we talk about doing it again. And yes, I've enrolled the kids in things they didn't ask for because "I" knew it would help them in the long run. So I do understand your ex's point of view. He knows this program will help your son, and it could help him a lot next year.

I think you need to step back and see what's really going on. Go to the practice. See how the coach is handling the guys. If the coach isn't doing a good job and teaching skills that your boy will need this next few years then re-address this with your ex.

For instance, our girl played basketball. Even went to summer basketball camp at a college in our state several years in a row, Summers between 4th/5th, 5th/6th grade, 6th/7th grade.

She played in both 4th and 5th grade on her elementary school team. Coach was a teammates parent. He was a good coach but not excellent.

Then she home schooled for 6th grade and a local private school allowed her to play with them. That coach played basketball from a child through college and he was an amazing coach. Taught them plays, they won nearly every game when they've always been the lowest in their age group, and he taught them teamwork. Our girl learned so much from this experience.

Then our girl went into 7th grade and was invited to play for a special team. She went to a couple of practices. This coach only had them run laps, over and over and over. Once in a while he'd have them dribble a ball while running but it was 80% or more just running around the edges of the gym. He didn't have them work on plays, told them they didn't need that, they just needed to get the ball and shoot, didn't work on shooting, told them they could work on that at home, and he pretty much ruined this special team.

She complained about practices and told me she was done with basketball, never going to play again, etc...I told her she was going to play, that she'd signed up for it, we'd spent over a hundred dollars on the fees then bought her a new uniform, etc...then I went to practice. It was truly awful. This coach, even though this team is sought after and a desirable team to be included in, was not doing them any good. They actually went downhill in their ratings and lost nearly every game after many years of always being the top team. They traveled to Texas, Kansas, and Oklahoma.

So even though a coach/program has great ratings and is supposed to be excellent it only takes one person that isn't doing their job right to destroy a team member's love for that sport and ruin it for them.

So go to practice. See what they're having him do. Is it something he needs to learn? Is he learning skills that will help him be a better player? Is the coach an idiot with a whistle? Is there a way your son can do partial skills and not do the ones that are causing him so much pain? Pain can mean damage to tendons/ligaments/bones/muscles. Perhaps he's doing the work wrong? Can he use some K-tape to support the areas that are hurting most?

It seems to me that a parent needs to observe and work through this to see what is actually going on.

We have some in hockey. One of ours moved up to a competitive level (was recruited) and was expected to do more training - before we agreed to it all, we made it clear what was expected of our son and he got to decide if he wanted to do it. In the end, he did it for a year and decided he had more fun playing non-competitive.

The thing is though - I agree with you. This should have been discussed with your son before his dad signed him up. That's not cool. The kid has to know ahead of time what's expected of him. So - we would not have done this either. I'm with you.

I think it's fine to put your kid in extra training. Here - that is very common. Our kids have done hockey camps from a couple of days to full weeks in order to improve. However, they are pricey and a lot of kids don't do these. It depends on how serious your kid is. It sounds like your child is playing hockey for fun and doesn't enjoy this extra training, so he's given it a go - and doesn't want to do it any more. I'd say let it be and he's tried it.

There are things in life that we all have to suck it up and do - I get that (get the point your ex is trying to make) but this isn't one of them - really. I would have done what you did - encouraged him to stick it out - but ultimately, this is a problem with ex, not your son. I think your ex didn't go about it - in a productive way, for example. If he'd talked to your son ahead of time, he wouldn't have shelled out the money and could have had better expectations.

I agree with you. Your child didn't ask or beg for this. He was forced into something he didn't want to do for his "betterment". If your son mentioned last year he didn't want to do that again and your ex went ahead and signed him up, I would be very pissed at my ex. He needs to LISTEN his son. I know that isn't a strong characteristic in your ex. =)

No. I would not have made my son go to the class last night. Had he begged for these lessons, then yes he would be going but since this was done without his consent, Nope.