Seeking Discipline Book to Read Re: 3 Year Old's Behavior

Hi W.~

I have found the book, "The Strong Willed Child" a good one...it is by Dr. James Dobson. ALso , "Creative Correction" by Welchel. Good Luck

Nanny 911 & Super Nanny both have good books that are easy to read - no psycho-babble just plain english.

I cannot recommend the Gesell Institute series enough. "Your 3 Year Old: Friend or Enemy" is one of the resources that saved my sanity when my now 14 y.o. was little. Run to the library and get it!

I always laugh when people talk about the terrible twos... threes are WAY more intense. There are some seriously old developmental books I discovered when I went through this phase with my boy (now 4.5, and a dream). It's called your child at 3, and it's by Ayers. She said to get a babysitter as much as possible! While this was not an option for me, for financial and philosophical reasons, it gave me so much reassurance to hear that this was challenging for all mamas. And that there was no "solution" barring growing out of it. Just hire a babysitter...
So I was able to face the INCREDIBLE defiance, screaming and kicking with a new level of detachment. I also enrolled him in a cooperative preschool that I could attend with him.
Good Luck!
D.

"positive discipline"
"parenting with love and logic"

those are both good choices.

"how to talk so your kids will listen and listen so your kids will talk" has some interesting info on how to communicate. its workbook format is a little hard and the questions they ask the parents are very thought provoking. the stories get a little repetitive. i would say the 3 year old is a little young for some of the techniques, 4 year old might be able to handle more.

"boundaries" by henry cloud. some suggestions are a little extreme, but a lot of good info on how to set boundaries and why it is so important. author is a christian.

"no: why kids of all ages needs to hear it and how parents can say it" by david walsh. very similar to boundaries but secular, if you don't want any religious discussion.

just my 2 cents: it might be worthwhile for you to sit down with your son when things are calm (if there is ever a calm moment) and just gently ask him if he really misses his daddy. a lot of kids "act up" or "act out" when they are dealing with some stress and they don't know how to express it. hence a lot of pregnant moms (including me!!!) experience ridiculous behavior from their normally "good" children (including me!!!). it's hard to be compassionate when you're so stressed as it is, so it's definitely easier said than done. but a listening ear can go a long way.

Hi W.,

I just wanted to say Thanks for this post and to let you know that you are NOT ALONE!! I was just thinking of asking a very similar question when I came across this one. My oldest son (just turned 4) has just started to be so rebellious within the last 3 weeks that I've almost changed my mind on having a third. I will definitely get a couple of the books mentioned and just pray it's over soon and that we both make it through this!!

Good luck and God bless.

N.

Most of the books I'd recommend have already been mentioned.
What I'd like to ask is does your son have any daily communication with his Dad? It might help if he knows Daddy is going to talk with him on the phone, or even if he gets a personal email from Dad that you can read to him. A nice card in the mail from time to time might also be helpful. I know how hard it can be to feel like that 'single mom' because Daddy's working away from home so much. My husband was in the Navy when our kids were small, and would be gone for seven months at a time. Back then, and with overseas connections, phone calls were not much of an option, and email wasn't in existence yet. He made cassette tapes to send home and those, along with my sharing pictures and talking about him continually, helped our two keep 'in touch' with him.

As far as dealing with the tantrums is concerned, all I can say is to be firm but gentle with him. Don't give in to his tantrums and even explain that you understand why he may be upset, but that he cannot deal with it in that way, and that you can't allow him to deal with it in that way. Have a spot where he will have the least opportunity to do real damage to himself, others, or the home and make that his tantrum spot. Every time he starts with the tantrum, give him just one chance to calm down by asking him does he want to go to his tantrum place. If he doesn't calm down, take him gently there and make him stay until he is calm. I never give time limits to such 'time-outs' but give the child instructions as to the behavior that is required in order for them to return from the 'time-out' or 'tantrum' spot. If they try to return but are not ready, they simply have to go back. Then once they are ready to return, we have a little talk about how much better they feel now.

I hope this helps and wish you the best in dealing with this. Also am praying that your hubby can be working closer to home soon.

At the library you can probably find some books for kids about tantrums ... look for:
series of books by Joy Berry,
Jim Henson's Muppets books in series Values to Grow on ... one is called Piggy Isn't Talking: A book about Communication by Andrew Gutelle ... I'm pretty sure I saw one next to it about tantrums,
there's also a series called "Learn the Value of ..." one is by Elaine P. Goley

There are many for adults ... I usually recommend anything on child care by Brazelton.

I usually change my firmness to fit the situation and then say (either quietly and calmly if he's just refusing to do something or very stern if the crime warrents it...meaning if he's hitting) "We don't do that in our home. Instead I'd like you to ..." I usually let my child refuse if they do it respectfully ... like if they say "No thank you" but it depends on what they're saying no thank you too. I tell them they get nothing if they say it rudely ... then I don't let them have it. But they can say no thank you to broccoli or handing me something or even if I ask, "are you ready to go?" but if I say, "it's time to go" ... I need to decide if I'll negotiate or not. If I don't have to leave right then and it's my first request to leave, I might say "that was a very nice way to say no ... we can stay 5 more minutes." Then when 5 minutes pass, leave. If any resistence say, "I already gave you 5 min." or just pick them up, kicking and screaming and leave.

Sometimes I will just leave a park as soon as I see anything I don't like before it get's too bad and then on the way home, after the tears die down, I explain why we had to leave ... explaining that the childs behavior wasn't appropriate.

I have better luck not using threats, just doing it once, explaining why after and then they don't forget ... like instead of telling the child they will lose the toy if they throw it ... (which you can do too) ... if I haven't had a chance to tell them they'll lose it, and I see them throwing it, I just take it away and say "the toy needs a time out" or I'll take it away and say, "we don't throw toys even when we're mad. What we do is ..."

If you think the child might hurt others or himself, you can learn the hold ... you gently grasp each arm and wrap your arms (crossing there's) around their body and hug the child tight enough to hold the child but not at all too tight if you know what I mean. You don't want to hurt ... just prevent the child from hurting. So you move a little with the child as they struggle ... just until the child calms down. Anyways, you could probably take classes in it. You never want to do this when you are mad because you really don't know your own strength. When the child calms down, you then calmly talk about their feelings and what they can do next time ... basically teaching them how to deal with their anger ... what's appropriate and what's not and why. It's important they understand why it's not ok. And what to do instead.

Definitely read lots of books on it and develop a way you are comfortable with. Sometimes local First 5 agencies give classes that cover this and sometimes Human Resources Departments have books on it to borrow. Good luck.

Ames and Ilg "Your three year old" helps one to understand the developemental phase and put things into perspective, so you don't read too much into their behavior. Also, "positive discipline" was good, and i have heard very good things about "1,2 3 Magic" although I did not read it. Good luck, I was there!

Hi W., I just had to say I am so glad I'm not the only one!! My husband and I are shaking our heads everyday asking "where did we go wrong" AGAIN! Our 3 almost 4 year old daughter has been such a handful( started around 2 1/2 years) and I keep hoping that turning 4 will bring an end to it. This behavior is pushing our whole family to the edge. Nothing we do seems to work. But.... I keep staying consistent. My now 9 year old son was the same way. He made us second guess every aspect of our parenting including whether we were even cut out for the job.I felt like I had to be prepared for battle everyday. Now people can't even believe he ever was a diffucult child. He is the sweetest boy and such a kind and good friend ,brother,son! So I hang onto the fact that he out grew it with consistent disipline, and love ,around the age of 4. I've read almost every book there is . "Love and Logic" is a all time favorite ,our parenting bible. "Easy to love diffucult to disipline" is another book that helped. "The strong willed child" great! "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk". I really liked this book because it also helped me find humor in all this. I wish I had the answer for you . I am right there with you. I am banking on 4 being the magic number. But it's getting close. September. I am hoping that my youngest (9months old) won't grow to have the same issues. I'm worn out by it. I just tell my self , that when they are this diffucult now they're that much sweeter later. My motto everyday is "Don't sweat the small stuff". Another great book. I try to say no to as little as possible, celebrate all the good behaviors and times. It makes parenting so much more fun. Best wishes

My daughter was doing similar things and I read "The Happiest Toddler on the Block" and it had some great techniques that worked. I think anything by James Dobson would be good also.

I can guarantee, if followed as suggested, "shepherding a Child's Heart" by Tedd Tripp will work.

Proverbs from an NIV Bible is also great training material.

First of all - you are not alone. I am single mom of a 3 year old daughter and she has been testing me with the fits! I think you need a break, as many of us do. Try doing things to get a break - ask for people to watch him a few hours maybe to start. I have to try and do time outs cause putting her in the room for 3 minutes, she would hit her head against the furniture (like the headboard!). Take about 4 good deep breaths. I refer to the "What To Expect The Toddler Years" book, talk to other parents, and try to figure out what's causing it. Sometimes it seems that those fits are just considered normal, but we have to teach them how to express themselves in other ways. I have learned it's important to acknowledge them - I understand you are angry and so forth (empathy). Consistency is important and of course unconditional love always.

I would suggest the New Dare to Discipline book by Dr Dobson (http://family.christianbook.com/Christian/Books/product?i.... His books have been very helpful in raising our two boys (2 1/2 and 1 year). He also has a wonderful book called Bringing Up Boys. We listen to the CD's and they provide alot of insight into how to understand boys and their behaviors. Hope that you find something soon that helps.

My favorite books are:
1)How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
2)Raising your spirted child by Mary Sheedy Kuricinka
3)How to say it to your kids
4)Becoming the parent you want to be
5)How to negotiate with kids

-Rachna

The Early Childhood Years
the 2-6 year old
Theresa & Frank Caplan

Your Four Year Old (They probably have one for 3 yr old)
Louise Bates Ames $ Frances Ilg

Sorry about the Daddy out of town thing! It is really hard!
Best wishes!

There is a great book called "Positive Discipline" by Jane Nelsen Ed.D. It talks about developmental phases and how to raise a confident child and also use discipline in a constructive way.
Also remember, they are not intentionally being manipulative, they are learning how to assert themselves and be independent human beings. Which is what we want for our kids right? I have found it helpful with my 4 year old to have her say what she wants in a more "friendly, less rude way" Instead of saying a "nice" way all the time.
Good luck and if possible, use your support people for a break by asking them to take her, even for a couple hours.
Sorry to hear about your husbands work keeping him away so much, my husband is extremely helpful and home F/T and I still get driven insane sometimes and need a break.

W., I so feel your pain...we went through a similar time with tantrums and feeling like our daughter was in charge, it felt very out of control. We then found the Love and Logic books and dvds and cds: www.loveandlogic.com and that has helped us so much become a parent centered home where we all know who is in charge and it is now us, the parents. My husband travels a lot too, so I know how challenging it can be with two on your own. Also Have a New Kid by Friday was a good book, really echoed what the Love and Logic philosophy was all about. It took us about 2 weeks to shift from our daughter running the show to us. Once we did that I have found that The Nurtured Heart Approach by Howard Glasser to be very helpful in encouraging more of the behavior that I want and I still use the Love and Logic with behavior that is unacceptatble. Good luck, I hope this helps. After the really hard two weeks of lots of time in her bedroom, our whole family has been SO much happier. I can tell she feels so much safer and happier and my husband and I feel on the same page and love being parents so much more.

Hi W.,

This age can be so hard. I have gotten a lot of support and help from Hand in Hand Parenting, http://www.handinhandparenting.org. They have booklets and phone coaching and events. They helped us in 2 ways: 1. they helped us understand what was behind our child's behavior and 2. gave us some amazing tools to help him--and us--work through it. I cannot tell you how different my life is now. I used to feel like a deer in headlights every day, and now I know how to prevent problems and address them when they arise. It's been a great gift.

Good luck!
E.

Hi W.,
I don't know much about help books. I've been raising my 4 children based on the Bible. Even if you are not a religious or Christian person, the values taught in the Bible are the best way to live. I learned very early on that giving my fit-throwing daughter a good swat or 2 stopped the fits VERY quickly. My kids know I don't put up with bad behavior or fits or anything like that. It sounds like what you said yourself...your son thinks he's the boss. That's because he hasn't had to pay enough of a price for the inappropriate behavior. It's time to take your rightful place as the parent. Think of this. Do you want to raise a child into an adult who fights authority all his life, or do you want him to be a wonderful, happy, well grounded, contributing member of society? Do you want people to want to be around your child or do you want to hear them say, oh no, HE'S going to be there? The power lies in your hands. Be the parent....always.

POsitive Discipline by Jane Nelson. It helped a lot with our child's temper tantrums. There are support groups around for this method of childrearing as well.

Hi, I am not sure if you are Christian or not, but there is an awesome book by Tedd Tripp "Shepherding your Child's Heart". It will give you more insight on why your child is doing what he is doing.
Be blessed.

1,2,3 magic and happiest toddler on the block. good luck, it's a really tough period but it'll pass!