" Seeking Advise on " Step Children " Playing Both Sides of the Parent "

you know that almost sounds like my daughter. Even though she is not my step daughter.. She is almost 12 years old. I dont have custody of her but have been fighting for her since she was one. She has always expressed to me that she wanted to live with me and I've been doing everything in my power to make that happen. She also tells my dad and my step mom that she wants to live with them so they keep fighting for her. Last year I was able to gain joint custody and this year I plan on having full custody. Well anyways as I was saying my daughter plays both sides, plus she always forgets the rules, and yes she does lie, she even sneaks things from her nanas and papas house to bring over our house.
I have to tell her all the time that she needs to leave her nanas attuitude at their house because she gets into these moods that make you just want to scream. (Her nana always lays a guilt trip on her if she even says my name at their house, and has told my daughter and the courts that she is never going to live with me because she will never let her go).
Well anyways I know one day it will pass and you might want to talk to your daughter about how she really feels about her mom and about the cell phone...like saying something like when we gave you the phone you said that you werent going to call your mom, but I know you have and I just want to let you know that its alright I just want you to not lie about anything to me. And leave it at that, that way she knows you know and she wont feel your keeping her from talking to her mom and she knows you caught her in a lie. She may feel that you and your husband might get mad at her for talking to her when its your turn to see her, and she may have been afraid to tell you. You maybe able to see if they have a service that records the messages even if your daughter erases them so you can know if she is lying to her mom or ya'll or even if she is talking to a boy.

I hope this helps you alittle. good luck

I also, have a 12 yr old step-daughter..that lives with us I have raised her since she was 2... I have the cell phone problems as well, and atnt has a way u can read the text and limit there phone use... we found out she was lieing and took it from her...she lies and tells her mom we are starving her... she is 5'2 and weights 150... if u can keep communications open with her mom that will help... my step daughters mother... will not listen to us or the doctors... she says its all lies.... it is hard for children of broken families...my step daughter treats me like mom and her mother like a friend.. but, she still lies about me and her dad...and does what she wants at her mom's.... which includes gaining almost 9 lbs in less than a week when she was there... it is hard... and like they said kids don't understand till they r grown and gone... as far as disrespect... I would not allow her to disrespect me in my own home... good luck....

I don't have s*&p children, but I was a manipulative twelve year-old at one time. I don't think this situation is unique to the "s*&p" part, as many twelve year-olds just play both parents against each other! The best way to prevent that from working is for both sides to have open communication (Dad and Mom). Living together, there are bound to be things about you that tick her off and she has an inviting audience (her Mother) to vent about even the smallest things. It sounds like she is treating her Bio Mom as a "girlfriend" and treating you like a Mother. There are worse things in the world than that! Oh, as I was saying...if you are really worried about it, you and your husband can talk with Bio Mom and get both sides out in the open and find out exactly where the manipulations are. Personally, it sounds like you have a very good relationship...as good if not better than most girls and their Moms. Just keep hugging her and loving her and don't sweat the small stuff. Just keep telling her how beautiful and smart she is, and help her to realize her potential and her dreams by being supportive.

First of all I have been in this position.Second of all, shame on you and your husband on behaving like her mother. NO MATTER what, the child should be allowed to talk to each of the parents. I am sure and asked my 13 year old and she said she is probably doing this or saying things about the other parent because she knows how angry you and her dad get about her mom..... so it's easier for her to pretend to be mad...I am sure when she came back after all that she was hurt at ya'll or MAD .. She should be able to Talk and Text her mom at any time..Don't you remember when you were a kid 1 min you loved your mom the next you hated her.... but she was always there????? The idea of getting her a phone was great but I would recommend not having dangiling carrots at the end of it..Continue being there for her..

I have a 14 yr old step son. I have been in his life since he was 2 yrs old. I have the same problem with him and this has gone on for many years. The only thing I can tell you is that they know you love them and are there to support them not judge.

As for the contact with their mother that is something that will continue no matter what, because that is their mother a bond that cannot be broken. Just let her continue her contact as long as it does not interfere with your families well being. The continuous contact will taper down.

Hang in there!

C.,
I have step children this same age and I am going through the same stuff (even down to the cell phone.). Also remember, your daughter is entering the hormonal rollercoaster called adolescence. So she is caught between the proverbial rock and hard place. It is not uncommon for children to play the parents against each other. They just want to be accepted by all adults and their young minds don't know any different way to do it. While she is with you, you and your husband can not say anything negative about her mom....nothing at all. That is her mom and she deserves the respect of being her mom. Hopefully her mom is telling her the same thing when your daughter is at her home. It doesn't sound like the mom is but there is nothing you can do about that. If you catch her in a lie, you can talk to her about the lie. (Been there and done that.) But you need to leave her mom out of it. You can say something like "we found out you lied to your mom about things being done here at our home. That is not a nice thing to do. We are not sure why you feel the need to lie about us. Lets sit down and talk about this." Then you do...encourage her to be as up front as possible with you. This may mean you will hear things about yourselves, your home, etc. that you don't like or that may hurt your feelings but if she is able to respectfully tell you that which is bothering her, then it is even better for her. The key word is repectfully. Yes, you have the right to demand that all the children treat you with respect in your home. Disrespect is usually shown when a child feels frustrated and out of control in a relationship. Rather than saying "I feel frustrated, angry or out of control" they use anger and disrespect to voice their mood.

The effects of your actions (all adults) will not be seen until your daughter is a young adult and has encountered others in her situation. I'm talking college age here or older. For example, my sons have all thanked their dad and me because of the way we handled things with our sons through the divorce (but we didn't hear the thanks until they were out of the house and on their own.) And in fact, my youngest even told his step-siblings that they won't understand what their dad (my husband) and their mom have done until they become older, get away from home and encounter others in the same situation.

As far as the constant texting, you can set aside times in your home to be "electronics free" periods. We do that with my step-children. The cell phone does not need to be a permanent extension of their body. Kids today need to spend more time playing as children....playing outdoors, board games, art projects, etc. rather than using electronic devices to stimulate their brains.
D.

I m a little confused - about whether the 12 and 7 year old lives with you and your husband or they live with the mom. My husband had a 10 year old girl when we married (she is now 42), hard to believe. Children go thru so many emotions, especially girls when they are going thru puberty. But I will say they suffer greatly with the concept of loving everyone the same - when situations such as the cell phone - put her in an awkward position of not using it to talk with her mom --- there seems to be some ill will with the mom - and so this young girl may be torn between loving both parents and not feeling guilty - because loving one means it may hurt the other --- Please tell her that just because he mom and dad are not together and are not friendly - doesn't mean she has to "hate" the mom when she is with the dad and then when she is with the mom, "hate" the dad - don't make her choose sides --- she sounds very conflicted. She needs the freedom of also "seemlessly" going from one home to the other - and the adults in her life need to at least put on a good front of being united in their concern for her and not feel put off if one of the parents talks to the child on "their" time -- the adults need to make the "rules" among themselves and not put the child in the middle to make the other parent understand about such matters. A good example of having her understand about loving many people - is to gather a bunch of candles and light one -- and let that represent her -- and have each family member be represented with a candle - (unlit) and provide one for her mom, grandparents, etc as well -- and tell her as she lights each family members candle to say something she loves about each one -- and as she lights each one - have her notice that her flame is not diminishing - there is enough love for everyone - and notice how much brighter the room is because of that love being spread to so many people. I wish you well -- my stepdaughter went through so many ups and downs, especially as her mother continued to bring a plethora of "men" into their lives over the years, and their children -- all coming and then leaving -- I did notice the "allegiance" problem being a problem for her. To this day at 42 - emotionally she is troubled. So do whatever you can now - so she is free to love without feeling guilty.

The best advice to give is to encourage your step daughter to have a great relationship with her Mom. She only has one birth Mom and she needs to make the best of it. My oldest son gets along a lot better with my husband (his step father) but I always told him his father loves him in his own way and he needs to make the best of the relationship. Divorce is very hard on kids as is a blended family. All you can do is give her much needed love but stay out of her affairs with her mother. Let her father handle it. Also, I think she is old enough to decide who to live with at age 12. You may want to check with an attorney. If she is happier with her father and she is able to live with you guys, you can present that to her if she is old enough. Also,she will play the 2 households against each other. Be careful. If you can keep a good relationship with her mother that is the best for both households. My ex and I always spoke and were friendly. Good luck.

I have a 12 year old "step" daughter as well. I do not treat her like a step child, only as my own. My husband and I have full custody of her. He has had her since she was 4. We live in Texas and her Mom lives in Iowa. We send her up about 4 times a year to see her (usually at our expense). We encounter a lot of the same attitude you are experiencing! I believe it is part of being a pre-teen. Also, some of the things my daughter has shared with her counselor are feelings of guilt. This could be what your daughter is going through as well. She could feel guilty when she is with you about her mom and feel guilty about you and her husband when she is with her mom. A lot of times, one parent feeds into this guilt. In our case, my daughters mom has made it clear that she isn't to call me mom or mother and shouldn't love me the same either. In any case, a child can not and should not contain his/her feelings...especially about love. My suggestion would be that the cell phone could go to both houses. It can be seen as your special connection to her always, whether she is at your house or not. You can leave special messages when you know she can't have it (like at school) and you can text her at night before she goes to bed. My daughter also has a cell phone and we use it as our special tool to always talk to one another...especially when she is at her moms.
Hope any of this helps. Good luck!

I have so much to say and only a little bit of extra time right now:( I wish I had the answer, but even if I "think" I did, I have the found that "my answer" may not be "your answer" as each of one of these situations are so complex and unique.
I am a bio mom of a 14 mo, and step mom of a 4yo boy, 7yo and 10yo girls. We are currently in the middle of a "high conflict" custody battle, currently have 50/50 joint legal custody and are fighting for full custody. We have always had HUGE issues with lying and manipulation with the oldest and with her mother, it has now become an issue with the 7 yo and 4 yo as well and has only became worse with this custody issue pending. Their mother coaches, teaches and condones the lying, big or small. Like you said, when it is brought into your house, it causes total disruption and chaos. I have never been ok with lying and is my biggest frustration.

I have the same issue with their father, mainly the consistency and follow through and it also causes little arguments. It happens right before his eyes, and a lot of times he simply doesn't see it. For one he is a man, he is passive and just not that kind of person. I believe his ex and his oldest daughter know this and plays on his weaknesses. This makes me look bad all of the time because I call out the behavior and address it.

Directly relating to your cell phone issue: Last year, the girls expressed in a disturbing emotional state that they were scared to go to the mom's because of several reasons that were beyond our control at the time. Also, they stated that they were not allowed to call dad when they were scared and that she would not let them talk to him in private. Our answer was to get the oldest a cell phone to bring there for emergencies, and allowed texting for when they "were not allowed or comfortable to talk". Anyhow, long story short, we started to have many issues, some of the same that you are experiencing. Their father works in the am, leaving me responsible for them getting ready for school, one issue specifically was, there was texts exchanged back and forth between the oldest and her mother. The mother would give her instructions and rules, basically "parenting" her while they were in "our care" leaving the oldest and I to have conflict each morning. Obviously my SD was put in the middle constantly and confused as what to do, obviously her mom knew what she was pulling, ect. My issue, was that it was my house, mine and her fathers rules and routine, and there were three other kids to care for. I was not into the unnecessary drama. Despite, my husband addressing this from many different angles with his daughter and with his ex, it never became resolved-until the cell phone was simply taken away. I think there was even a time, that when my SD said "well my mom just text and said I needed to," (at this time, the girls had a tardy issue because when they are in mom's care, so mom would try to make them late while at our house as well in my care) I took her phone and responded to her mom stating that it was me, and that she was leaving for school otherwise she would be late. I hated doing that, and my SD became angry and left for school with a horrible attitude. All brought on from the darn phone, secret texting and her mom. Nothing seemed to have a win/win solution and nothing seemed to help.

Well, a year later, the lying continues but in a different fashion. It is sooo scary, confusing, trying and horrible to walk on eggshells in your own home. In my opinion, you need all adults to be on the same page to nip it in the bud when it comes to SK lying and playing both sides. I am still trying to find the answer about what to do, when one of the adults ENCOURAGES it, because they are the unhappy ones. Good luck to you, it is a relief to hear how similar your story is, it gets very lonely sometimes and feels as if your family dynamics are so different to others, making you feel as if nobody truly gets it.

In the state of Texas, you can have your ex's wages garnished for each child. If you have a good attorney, I would definitely check into this procedure.

Sounds like the step daughter is a bit manipulative. Watch your p's/q's. Once the trust is broken, then it is difficult to reestablish. When you catch her in a lie, take away her cell phone or television but explain why ONCE and the next visit she can have the cell phone. It is all about priviledges/consequences. She might hate you but in the long term of things she will respect you. Good luck.

Read a book called "The blended family" it may help. It is Christian based.

My Step Daughter is 12, we too don't divide, we are az familiy not matter who's is who's, we do have full custody of her and her brother... when it comes to visitation time with her Mother (which is limited to every other holiday and only six weeks in the summer) she is moody, angry and all but easy to live with... we found hitting the bull direct on was the best approach for us, we made her aware of her emotional mood swings and their timing... maybe you and your husband should sit her down and explain her behavior to her, as you do, hand her a journal, that is hers and hers alone to write in... and continue to stress she is to write when the feelings errupt... my step daughter is so aware now, the mood swings have stopped, she is able to express to us her feelings about her mother, the visits and has even let me read her journal... she still goes through the emotions but is able to handle herself better.

As far as the big sister, little sister issue... try to find a charm bracelet or something of the sort for each of the girls... it is important to let them all feel connected but know the Bio-Mother will never stop, my two's Bio-Mother does anything in her power to seperate... express to your Bio-daughters how one can not control the other Bio-Mother and how some people are just plain mean... it may be a little more information than you think they need but with my son explaining things have made him understand why his step-siblings act they way they do sometime!

It is my understanding that in the state of Texas at 13 she can choose who she wants to live with... if she really wants to, she can do it then. As for the attitude, you don't have to put up with anything in your house that you don't want to.

C. -

I think it is imparative that you and your husband try and communicate with your 12 yr. old. The best way is to ask questions like, "You seem like something is on your mind . . ." or, "You are showing a bit of a negative attitude - I want to talk about this with you." You cannot let the attitude just go on - it will only get worse. You must draw a line with her. Be clear and know what you will and will not talk about before you go into it with her, otherwise you'll get confused, or even manipulated easy. Listen to your gut. If she wants to call her mom that is fine and you should tell her that - you and your husband should talk re this. Is her birth mother manipulative? Is she secretive? If so, then she will teach her daughter the same. It is up to you as her other mom-role-model to show her that being upfront and honest is always what you do in your home with loved ones, etc...

You may even want to consider talking with a good therapist about this for support on how to handle this but I truly think you do need to make clear boundaries and find ways to get her to talk and come around. Some things she can figure out on her own, so don't over talk anything or you will annoy and bore her. Then there are some other things that need to be set before her, clearly as to what will not be tolerated in your home.

It is very important, from my experience, to know as much as possible what is being said on the other side (your hubby's ex) to kids - that way you can clarify what is okay and what is not okay within your home and very important - keep it open in communication and building trust in everyone involved.

Good luck - Remember that love isn't always a smooth road with teens!
Alli

While removing "step" from your vocabulary in a loving way, you maybe contributing to the issue. Your daughter has mixed feelings, which she will eventually sort out, as long as you continue to provide the loving care you do. She may feel guilty about how she feels about you. It's normal. She may lie to protect her feelings about her own mother. Don't back her into a corner, but keep reminding her of your own values, and let her know you understand her confusion as well. She needs to know that your home is a safe place to work through ALL her feelings, not just the good ones. Maybe together you can build a trust so that if she feels compelled to lie, it won't feel right to her.

I read your update and the fact that you have a new problem. So the bio Mom of the girls gives them sisters necklaces and YOUR daughter is jealous? Was the bio Mom going to buy 6 necklaces so your kids wouldn't feel left out. You say you don't use the "step" but the kids need to realize even though you love each of them and you try to treat them all alike they will always be closer to their bio sibling and have that special bond. The fact that it is court ordered about the church thing is really strange. I feel like if the girls are with the bio Mom she shouldn't have to take them to church with ya'll if she doesn't want to. It sounds like your husband wants you to let him handle this kind of stuff so let him. He should have been the one to address the "new cell phone" rule. The fact that it was given to her with the strings attached was very selfish on your part in the first place. You say you treat her the same as your kids but it is clear why she is frustated. Maybe you should do a new post for the advise on the necklaces. C., blended families are the toughest thing on a marriage and especially on the children. I have 2, my husband has 2 and we have 2 together. I have experience with this and I find that when you step back and let the other parent address issues with their bio kids it is better received than coming from the step parent.