Seeking Advice: Stay at Home Mom or Working Mom?

J. - This is a hard decision to make and if I were you I would make a list. Is there a reason that you need to go back to work? (healthcare, money to pay bills ect.) Could you find a job that you could bring you child with you?
I often don't know how to categorize myself. I am a personal nanny to a little girl(age2) and bring my child/ren with me when I nanny. I work a full time week, and sometimes even some overtime. BUT, I have the benefit of being with my children.
I needed to comment on what a couple of women have touched on. I love the little girl that I watch. I don't mean that as "oh isn't she great", but as I would jump in front of a moving bus to save her life. I have been with her since before she turned one and she is a fabulous kid. I have a great relationship with her mother, we communicate all the time about her day and how things went. I did not tell her when her daughter took her first steps, I waited for her to see it with her own eyes. I do not tell her when her daughter started to call me "mommy" although I did gently remind her that I was "mama L." ( I still gently remind her of that). I give and receive tons of kisses from her, hugs, we dance together and sing. I potty trained her, got her to stop taking the binky and sleep (at least naps) in her own bed. She loves me and makes my heart sing when I hear "i wuv you mama wawa".
It is possible to have your child have a special relationship with her nanny or daycare provider. But I am not mommy. As soon as she sees her mother she's off!! She loves her mama more than life, and I will NEVER be a replacement. She just knows that since her mama isn't able to be with her during the day that she gets someone who loves her to watch her. Sounds like a pretty lucky little girl to me!
Good Luck with whatever decision you make. Your daughter will love you no matter what! L.

i love working, and it's not that i really need to. i prefer to. i like having the adult time without having to schedule around someone else's obligations and moods. i like being at a place where i'm not responsible for the tantrums and the potty accidents and snack times. don't get me wrong. i adore my daughter; she is my whole world and i don't know what i would do without her. but BOTH of us need the time away from each other. she loves the routine of being at daycare, and it makes her time with me that much more special. for me, it makes me appreciate my time at home as well. sure, it's hard when i start to miss her, but it motivates me to be that much more attentive to her at the end of the day.
not all caregivers are created equal. there are some who are so absolutely dedicated to their work! grandmas, aunts, close friends are all examples of caregivers who fit that bill. nannies can also become an integral part of a child's life, someone they can't imagine having grown up without. and if you think about it this way, a caregiver is just one more person to love your child. who doesn't want that? you're also exposing your child (if you choose a daycare facility) to a wide variety of experiences and interactions and yes, they do get sick more often but, they'll also have a stronger immune system for it. one of my close friends has had her daughter in daycare since she was born, and at 3 1/2 she NEVER gets sick, aside from a mild case of the sniffles once or twice a year.
i see a lot of women who advocate staying home. i don't begrudge anyone that opportunity, nor do i look down on anyone who does so. i'm just offering my view point. i think it really honestly depends on the person and the situation. don't forget, there are alternatives and compromises. you can take a year or two off, you can work part time, you can work from home and hire an in-home sitter to supervise your baby while you take care of things for a few hours a few days a week. it doesn't have to be all or nothing!
good luck with your decision.

I don't think anyone ever said, "I wish I'd spent less time with my kids."

That's it! Good luck.

Hi J.,

just read your own question again - and I think you have the answer right there! I don't see anything in your post about how you love your job, how you must have intellectual challenge from work, or how your kid and the lack of adult interaction drives you crazy....
I know there are moms who do better working (I think a sane mom, working or not, is always best for her kids), but if you are happy being home, it is certainly what is best for your baby. Would you rather be cared for by someone who does it for business (a nanny, daycare), or by someone who truly loves you and has only your best interests at heart? The only people who would do anything for a baby are the parents. Everyone else has other motivations, mostly related to money :-).
Is it possible to extend your leave and slowly work into a part-time or part-time work-from-home situation? That might be a good compromise, if you're worried about not getting back into your field of work after an absence. I'm in high tech, and it is definitely a consideration there...
But if none of that applies - stay home and enjoy!!! At this stage, you are your daughters single most important thing in the world.

Best of luck,
S.

J.,

If you can afford to not work, stay at home with your baby.

I am working right now because I have to. I didn't have to work when my daughter was a baby. She's now in a preschool that she loves and I know this is what we need to do. But my husband and I are both in agreement that the moment his work can allow me to be at home again, I'll be at home.

By the way, I wanted to add that daycare CAN work out well - my two cousins were brought up by two working parents and were in daycare and after school programs throughout their childhoods.

Today, my cousins are wonderful, sensitive, intelligent adults who are very close to both their parents. In fact, their family is closer to each other than mine is, and my mom was a SAHM. So, I know it is possible to raise children well even if they have to spend time in daycare.

Nevertheless, if you can swing it, I would recommend you stay at home.

Best of luck with whatever you decide to do and congratulations on your little one!!

I knew from the moment that I got pregnant that I would never be able to leave my child. I did everything I could to stay at home and raise my son. I never wanted to miss one moment of his life or feel guilty for leaving him 40-50 hours a week.

I have met so many woman that were at work and practically cried when they saw me with my baby (theirsbecause they missed ). They can hire someone else to fill your position at work, but NO ONE can replace you and your love as a mommy.

Go home and cherish every smile, sit up, cuddle and cry. Your baby needs you, not hired help.

To add to what another woman said below me.. I babysat a little girl for 2 years (only 3 days a week) and she called me mom. It's very true that daycare providers often get called mom. Children in full time daycare spend about 50 hours a week with the babysitter and only about 30 hours with their actual mommy. How should they know? I can not imagine my son calling another woman mom.

I also don't understand why SAHM's often complain about not getting enough adult time. There are so many activities that can be done with your children and other adults. All summer long I sit in a park with my friends and we watch our kids play. I get to talk and gossip and also make sure that my child is well taken care of. A person will only get bored and isolated if they allow it. There are so many parenting groups, clubs, sports, parks, etc that one can belong to, there is no reason to stay at home by yourself and complain.

Hi J.-

I would have to say staying home with your baby is the best! Eversince my mom ran a daycare (I was 12) I would see so many little babies come in there and get so attatched to my mom and there own mommies would come and they wouldnt even get that excited...it was very sad. It was because my own mom spent more time with those babies than their own mommy did! One of the little guys she had his first word was "mama" and he said it in my moms arms. From that moment on I knew I could never be a mommy and work. My mom was a stay at home mom for 10 years! Then when all us kids (three kids) were all in school then she returned to work. But growing up she was always home for us. I think that is why I had such a close relationship with my mom. I am now 24 and am married and have 2 kids of my own. I have days where I am just bored and stressed out with being at home but at the end of the day I can honestly tell you I would not choose to work. I know not all moms can stay at home. But there are a few that have the OPTION. I would say think about all your pros and cons. The worst CON for me would be someone else being with my baby 8+ hours of the day and missing all her "firsts". You never know when she will roll over for the first time, or laugh or clap her little hands. What happens if she does that at daycare? Do you want to HEAR about it second hand from the daycare lady or do you want to SEE it yourself? That is all I am saying. I did go to work when my daughter was 18 months. It was only part time and for 4 hours a night 5 nights a week. I lasted 2 months and quit! I just missed being with my baby girl. The only good thing that came of that experience was that my daughter got really close with her daddy. But now I am a mommy of 2 and I wouldnt want to work. I would miss my little ones way too much. They just grow up way too fast and I want to be there for EVERYTHING that I can. So my best advice to you is really think about it. Some people just cant stay home all the time. Being an at home mommy is great and you get a lot done! Not only you get to play with your baby all day but when they nap you can keep up with your chores, laundry, house cleaning, bills, have dinner done when hubby comes thru the door. Things like that. But when your working that all gets pushed to the weekend and that cuts into family time. Just really think about what is best for YOU and your baby. Only you know what is BEST for your family. Good luck to you on whatever you decide!!

~K.~

Stay at home, Stay at home, Stay at home!

Hi J.-
I find that working part-time is a great compromise between full-time of either working or staying at home. I love my work (I'm a private music teacher) and the time away from my toddler gives me renewed energy for the time I spend with him. It was hard at the start (he began daycare about 6 hours a day, 2 days a week at age 4 months), but it got easier. Some days I still hate to leave him, but I know that now he really enjoys his time in daycare with his little buddies, and I think both his socialization in daycare, and my personal time at my work is good for both of us. But it's very dependent on your own needs and personality - some people really enjoy staying home 24/7. I always thought I would never put my child in daycare, but I honestly think that our current situation works well for us. Best of luck!

Personally I enjoy being a working mom. I know a lot of people disagree with this choice, but being "stuck at home" 24/7 isn't everyone's cup of tea. Personally, limiting my everyday interactions to a baby and my husband seems isolating. I know a lot of people cope by joining mamma's groups and arranging playdates, and some people enjoy staying at home.

I think people are capable of being both a working mom and a great mommy. For myself, I worked too hard getting my degree and developing professional relationships; to give all of that up would be very disheartening. I enjoy being at work during the day, and I come home to my baby girl and use our evenings and weekends together to the fullest.

I admit it was hard returning to work at first, but we have developed a routine and schedule that works well for us. She really does love daycare, and she gets to interact with other adults and babies. There are days where I wish I could just stay home and play with her, but I couldn't do it every day.

Hi J.,

I am a stay-at-home mom and I believe if you would like to stay home with your children you should absolutely do so. My children are now older..my baby is now 12 years old. I am extremely close to my children, I know their friends, I have been able to always help at playschool, Kindergarten etc etc. When my children have been ill I have never had to worry how I would get time off of work to look after them. I was there for their first words, their first steps, I did the toilet training, took them to toddler swim lessons, went to the park whenever the weather was nice. Your child's life is short..you won't believe how quickly they are grown up. We had financial hardships with only one income and 4 children. I often felt "mommy overload" many days. The job is 24/7, you don't often have a lot of time for yourself...but you have that (those) beautiful babies adoring you, needing you every day. I wouldn't have changed it for the world.

That all being said....you need to do what feels right for you and your husband (partner, if applicable). You both need to be on the same page and then which ever way you decide to go it will be fine. Working mothers love their children as much as mothers who choose to stay at home. It's a very personal choice.

I will let you know though..there are work-at-home opportunities that you can do to earn an income while working around your baby's schedule. I now work from home with Melaleuca. I didn't find out about Melaleuca until 6 years ago but I wish I had found it sooner. Melaleuca is an Inc500 Health and Wellness Company that manufactures consumable wellness focussed products. These products are those types that we all use everyday but they are safer for your home and family. I don't have to sell any products, just set up accounts for new customers and I get paid residually every month. The company has been around for 23 years and has grown steadily every year. It is legitimate and well-respected. It's also recession proof and the income is dependant on you. There are many stay-at-home moms working with Melaleuca and have replaced the income they used to make working in Corporate America.

If you have any desire to look into it we've got a 40 minute online webcast to share all the info. Please let me know if you'd like to check out this option.

Take care, J..

E. Keehn

I don't really agree with the saying "the worst day at home beats the best day at work". I love being a mother and I love my job. There's room for a happy medium. Some stay at home moms will tell you you MUST stay home and some working mothers (who love what they do) will tell you to keep working. It's really a personal decision only you can make.

I've got 3 children ages 9, 3 and 7 months. I used to work full-time, but after having them I decided to switch to very part-time. This works for me. I'm not into mommy groups. That's just not my thing. I prefer to get my "adult" time at work and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I enjoy my job and I don't feel I should have to totally give it up, but I also want to be there for my children. We woman are exceptional multi-taskers and can juggle many things. Since I work part-time (never more than 12 hours a week) I'm my children's primary care provider and they have only one sitter (they love) that comes to our home, so they are in their environment with their things and their routines. It works best for us. I like the saying "happy parents raise happy kids" a lot better :) Good luck with your decision.

I don't agree with your statement, I think it depends on the type of person you are. I got a high off of my best days at work and wonder why I have kids and a spouse on my worst days at home. Kids and the stages can be tough for some and easy as pie for others, I tend to have a shorter temper as I get older so being a stay at home mom has frustrating days, not so bad now that my kids are bocoming more self sufficient. Both of my kids were in daycare at 6 weeks, I was in the military and my husband worked, I did deployments away which was hard, the second one being worse because we all knew what was going to happen and they were less then a year apart, the time being gone for work when I came home everyday wasn't hard, my kids liked their daycare and I worked until I didn't enjoy my job anymore (this was after I retired from the military) so I quit last April and became a SAHM, it was tough after not being home or even around for a while, my husband was home for 2 1/2 years while I was deploying (the kids were 1 and 3) and he did great, better then I could have done I know. A big part of me doesn't want to return to work but finances are too tight to keep me home, my problem is that finding a job that pays enough to make it cost effective after paying for daycare is a challenge (I have one still at home). I have a retirement income and benefits for the rest of my life and for my kids until they are grown so I don't have to look at another career anywhere. You need to look at what you have for your future and if you need to be paying into something so you are taken care of. If you can afford to not work at least investing in an IRA so you have something coming in later in life is important. All daycares are different and there are some great ones, my daughter misses seeing her old provider and friends and would like me to work so she can go again. My daycare teacher always told me about milestones even if somethings happened for her first and it never bothered me, I knew that was bound to happen and I was glad to know about it, I think I would be upset if she would have with held that because what else isn't being told. I did get to see some firsts, my husband saw more then I and that is ok. You could still miss something if you have a sitter or kids are with Grandparents, there are no guarantees that you will see everything. You need to do what is right for you, if it means staying home her whole life, until she goes to school, or not at all then that is the answer. What does your husband think as well? Talk it over with him too.

<Grinning> I actually like BOTH (because I like to cause trouble for myself). For me they both have pros and cons, and both are manageable.

I think that the single biggest determining factor in staying at home v working is a) if you have a partner & b) if they are supportive. An unsupportive partner (in either position, working or staying) takes something that could be challenging but wonderful, and turns it into exhaustion, hurt feelings, resentment, & a trial or a fight for recognition that just keeps going on day after day after day. :P Bleck.

The next biggest factor is your own personality.

I'll start with SAH first, because it's probably the most difficult.

If you're staying at home, you WILL be putting in 17 hour days. You will also have 24 hour days when you're throwing up for 10 hours straight while you're nursing (literally, not food wise, but possibly that, too) a baby with a fever that isn't *quite* bad enough to warrant a trip to the ER. On those days does your partner call in sick to work to stay home & help take care of the two of you, or do you strap the baby in the car seat and put them in the bathtub while you pray to the powers that be & the porcelain throne to *not* pray for death? Essentially when you're really really sick can you "call in" or are you on your own? When you're working, daycare is already arranged, so you can call in sick, take your love, drop them off, and crawl back into bed. Make sure you have a similar arrangement with someone if you're not working. Otherwise, you are going to be sick and tired and working your tail off with no sick days EVER. Arrange it. Far in advance. Preferably with alternates.

Back to those 17 hour days. You are now officially your own boss. Would you expect an employee to work 17 hours a day 7 days a week with no days off and no breaks? (naps only kind of count...you're "trapped" in your house...but my god the bliss of taking a shower and reading a book or FINALLY being able to make a phone call can outweigh the being trapped. Naps DO go away though. Revel in them. Even if you can't leave your house.) Being a stay at home mom is arguably the best job on the planet...but unless you're a high powered attorney where an 80 hour week leaves you feeling lazy and indulgent, or in the military, you wouldn't ask an employee to work those hours. Don't ask them of yourself. Do NOT allow anyone else to ask them of you. Don't fall for "my mom" arguments either. In our mothers' day nearly ALL the mums were at home and had each other to lean on. Heck, they had afternoon bridge parties & naptime cocktail parties as common daily existence in the 50's. In our grandmother and great grandmothers' day large extended families usually lived under one roof OR you had staff. Ahh....staff...well, dreams aside: We are essentially the first generation of women HOME ALONE.

If you're staying at home, what do you do to keep your mind active? Trust me, if you're used to using your mind on a daily basis, the glow of not having to lasts about 2 weeks. After that, if you're not doing anything to keep your wits about you, you will slowly go insane. Continue to do, in any shape or form, what you are passionate about. Even if it's just reading peer review journals, or playing the violin, or traveling, or photography, or filing & collating for gossake, basically....whatever. Do what you love. It's a great example to set.

Friends. Unless you happen to be lucky enough to live close to all your friends AND they all have kids...you're probably about to be seeing a lot less of them. And when you haven't strung together an entire sentence to someone who can respond in kind in the past 9 hours to several weeks...having someone to talk to is vitally important. Is your partner willing to take your baby for girls' nights out? Do you have anyone to call at 10am, or 2pm? (aka naptime, when most people are working) Can you set up a day with your partner or a childcare provider that's your "free" day or evening to make plans? Or are you the type who feels good entertaining and can lay the baby down and have a couple people over at night regardless of how the day has gone and what the house looks like? Keep in contact with your friends. Otherwise your partner is going to be under verbal barrage, and you are going to be talking to the walls. Ahem, and by "you" of course, I mean me...and in my experience.

Hmmm...let's see what have we covered and how can we make this shorter:

- Partner v Churning-Resentment-Machine
- Work week / Days off / Sick days
- Mental stability & growth & how not to let your mind turn into pudding
- Human contact

We could and should also add the following topics:

- How to keep your self respect especially when (see below)
- How to deal with others not respecting you
- What your day is worth $ wise if you were paying others to do what you're doing
- Who spends the money when? Now that you won't get your own check, how do you buy what you need or want? Do you get an allowance? Does your partner? Do you both have "mad" money?
- Why DO some people think that because THEY'VE worked 8 hours they're "done"? Both of you have worked 8 hours today...now it's time to work for 9 more. Don't be alone in working that additional 9 hours. It's a sucker bet. Ditto on the days off. If your partner gets two days off a week and you get 0, adjust that NOW, while it's early.

- These have mostly been the trials I most often face staying home....but here is the one, irrefutable, amazing PRO: BEING there...guiding, shaping, laughing, teaching this amazing little life...introducing them to the world. Wow. Sooooooo unparalleled and utterly earthshaking. It's all you. You're the one who's shaping their life. You're helping them become who they'll become in their life, and you are the major influence. Your decisions, choices, and actions. Again, wow. How cool is that? Tiring and largely thankless, but unparalleled.

You know what...it's late...and this is pushing book length (even for me), so I'll drop in tomorrow and add what I've found are pros & cons with working, mostly of course, for my own benefit. Heaven knows if anyone has actually read this. Succintly though...I love staying at home, and every microsecond has been worth it. Obviously the spectacular times are worth it but even the reeeeeaaally bad microseconds that last for hours and days and weeks. Because my baby was born about two weeks ago...and he just turned 6 and a half. Next month he'll be driving going away to college. It all happens in a blink.

I'll mention the biggest pro about working now though:

I'm a better mum, pure and simple, when I have time away.

G'night....Z.

J.,

I think you answered your own question. Good luck, and enjoy every minute of it -- I know I do! :-)

Honestly, I am glad that I went back to work. I almost quit becuase I really wanted to stay home. One of the reasons why I am glad that I went back is because of the benefits that we get from there. I work only part-time there and I have phenominal medical benefits and I really can't pass it up. Plus, I really do love my job there. When it was time for me to go back - I decided to go back for a while and see how I could handle both....amazingly everything worked out. I'm glad that I did rather than throwing in the towel - per say. Plus, if I left and then decided to come back - I would loose my position and I couldn't afford to do that either. And of course the money that I make there too is pretty good. So, I would weigh out the pros and cons of whether it is really worth not going back to work. Good luck with your decision.

J.,
I am lucky enough to work very very part time so my kids dont have to be in any type of childcare. I know some of us mommys say they would go crazy if they had to stay home all the time and enjoy having adult time. I however CAN NOT handle anyone else besides family watching my kids. It is just something that is not for me. I would go crazy all day worrying about whats happening with them. I think that is the real decision you have to make...do what is best for you and what makes you feel comfortable. If you need/want time outside the home do it, if not, dont!
Something that I have found out recently that surprised me is that my 5 year old wishes I didnt have to work...even though I work at 4am and am usually home before he wakes up @ 8am, something about him knowing I am leaving makes him a lil' sad...I wouldn't have guessed that in a million years that he even cared because I thought it didnt effect him but I was mistaken??!!
Best wishes,
K.

My partner and I are both full-time grad students and we each work part-time. I love what I do, I love teaching and engaging with students, but I also adore by son. I feel extremely privileged to be able to work part-time. My son is 18 months and is in daycare 10 hours/week. He's been going since he was 8 month. Frankly, I would go mad if I was at home with him 40 hours/week--I just couldn't handle it. But, between daycare and being at home with his dad I get a chance to get some work done and on the days I'm home I feel like a happy, joyful mom most the time. When my husband has been away at a conference or something and I'm a stay at home mom for an extended period of time I don't feel like a good mom, I feel like a stressed out, bored, overwhelmed mom...so I say...to each her own--what works for one person doesn't work for another and you have to find your groove. But, I would completely disagree with the best day at work/worst day at home argument...no one at work has ever thrown up on me...yet...
This solution works great for me, but it's obvious from this post that it wouldn't be everyone's cup of tea.