A little background... My husband and I only have our soon-to-be 5 yr old son and we always celebrate his birthday with a party at the park (exception 1 yr) and invite everyone we know and we always have a great turn out.
Well... I have this little niece who will be turning 6 yrs old in September also, and unfortunately, she does not have a good mother (at least towards her), my mother-in-law now has temporary (voluntary) custody of my niece and her daughter (my husbands sister - my niece's mother) just came into CA to help register her daughter for public school. In other wards her mother is not responsible for her but sadly is responsible for her younger 2 girls (another story for another day - at least my opinion on that situation)...
Back to the bdays... recently, I cared for my niece for a weekend so that she could accompany my son to a schoolmate's bday party at chuck-e-cheese and so she stayed with us for the weekend. It was nice to have a girl around and nice for my son to have someone to play with for the weekend. Of course, I spoiled our niece and took her places each day starting with Friday through Sunday... During her visit, my niece asked if I would be willing to give her a Chuck-E-Cheese bday; as she never had one, not to mention, I personally could not recall when they last celebrated the poor girls bday.
And so, I offered to my mother-in-law that we would be willing to share the birthday party to also celebrate my niece's bday on the same day as my son's bday... MIL said yes and I advised my husband to make it clear that we'd also share the expenses of the party as my MIL is fast to assume that we would afford all expenses...
Do you think this was a smart choice?
Of course, I only did it as I feel very badly for my niece due to her mother's choices... Although, in the past I've told me husband that I'd be willing to adopt my niece and raiser her in a loving family since her mother did not care for her. It's such a sad thing to see occuring and not be able to do anything about it.
So, just wondering how some of you feel about the co-bday party.
To everyone who has taken the time to respond. Thank you all for both the positive and not so positive responses. Some of the responses I thought were interesting and defensive of my MILs and sister-in-laws side. Interesting...
I did take some of the advice and so on Wednesday evening, both my husband and I spoke with our son regarding his feelings about possibly sharing his birthday party. And to everyone's surprise, my son is a very caring, sharing, loving young child - He loves the idea of sharing his birthday party with his cousin and even wanted to share it with the other 3 little ones who are much younger. We explained to him that their birthdays would occur later in the year and so he was ok with not sharing it with the 3 little ones. He loves all his cousins and was so happy about sharing his day with his cousin that he asked dad to call his little cousin, so he could break the news.
So surprisingly, when we called my in-laws house for our son to break the news to his cousin, it so happens that her mother was in town, and they passed the phone to the little cousin and our son told her. She said, hold on tio (uncle) and you could hear on speaker how she moved the phone from her mouth and yelled at the top of her lungs in happiness.
We are going with the park idea on Sept 26 which is pretty close to both of their birthdays and we are doing 2 themes Transformers for my son and either Cinderella or Princess for my niece. I really wanted to do a king and princess thing which someone suggested but at least the themes would go together. Oh well...
By the way, I could easily afford to pay for both parties separately, but because my husband's family always manages to make it so that we pay for everything for all events; this is why I asked for the help. My mother in law was only planning to make her a cake and invite no one. I know financially they can afford it. My husband allows his family to step all over us and doesn't stand up for us b/c its his family; but I've been slowly but surely putting my foot down each time we're involved in something to ensure we don't end up fronting the bill for everything. It's not that I am stingy, I'd be willing to give and help if only we were asked and not pushed a bill on for everything. Considering that when we visit even if for a couple hours, we purchase a full refrigerator worth of groceries and more...
As far as my sister-in-law (niece mom), the last time I saw her, she brought all the girls over with her and didn't care that one of the girls was almost drowned in our pool by a neighbor who pushed the 3 yr old into the deep end. I advised her to go with at least her kids to the pool b/c her 3 girls (5, 3, 1 yr olds) and 3 other toddlers (2 from my brother-in-law) and our son were way too many kids for 1 teenage girl to watch in the pool; her response to me was - I came over to see you guys not to spend the afternoon in the pool besides if one drowns its 1 less to be responsible for. She didn't go to the pool not even to watch her kids. My neighbors little 6 yr old pushed the 3 yr old into the pool and she almost drowned... another neighbor pulled the 3 yr old out and helped resesitate... NOW TELL ME IF THAT DOESN'T CAUSE YOU ANGER...
Honestly, the only reason she is not responsible for the 5 yr old (in MIL custody) is because she is from her old relationship and the 2 younger ones are from her current man. Now that's irresponsible and it's not that you can't afford it or that it's harder and I just don't understand b/c I only have 1 child. It's about the fact that she doesn't care for her... the poor 5 yr old sometimes doesn't recognize her own mother which is really sad.
Don't forget to invite some 6 yr old girls to the party! Have fun and don't forget to enjoy this day! I think it's a wonderful idea.
What a lovely thing to do. Sharing is a great thing to teach and sharing the spotlight is just as important as sharing toys. Kudos!
It is my strong opinion that the children who are successful despite their terrible parents are because they have another positive role model in their family. Be that role model. It isn't your fault that her mom is that way but if you have the love to share... SHARE!!! :) She will be a better person for it and your son will learn from you too!
LOVE the idea of a co-Birthday party - wish more people did it so we wouldn't have parties nearly every weekend! LOL!! But really, I've been to a handful - ALL the kids had fun. You just want to make sure the parents of your son's friends don't feel obligated to get your niece a present and vice versa. Thank you for being a great Aunt to your niece - she will remember this!
M.
I think it's very sweet and thoughtful to include your niece, and a wonderful way to role model. I also think it could be really fun for all of them.
A couple of considerations-
Is this okay with your son?
Is this okay with your husband?
Do you know your niece's friends to invite, so that she'll feel like the party is equally hers?
I think it's a good precedent to split the cost with MIL, but to also be prepared to pay for everything if she balks. If possible, keep the financial issues with your MIL separate from your compassion for your niece- you don't want your niece feeling like a charity case, or feeling like $$ is part of your consideration for her. Also, you don't want her to begin asking for more and more if she senses your "guilt" motivates you to spoil her.
Best wishes!
I think your instincts are right on, and you should share the birthday party. If you can afford it, I wouldn't quibble too much about the costs. It should be a happy occasion.
P.S. I just read some other response, and I realized I wasn't even thinking that the issue was how your son would feel. But it sounds to me as if he is mature, the type of child who would like sharing, and that he gets along wel with his cousin. Also, I really liked the one idea about asking her if she would like the big party in the park, and then maybe just the two of them at Chuck-E-Cheese, or maybe they could each bring one special friend there.
Having adopted 4 children, with all the ups and downs that brings, I applaud your idea of adopting this little girl. There are just some children who are not wanted by their parents. It's not a common thing, but it is known that a parent will choose a specific child and they will become the "henpecked" child of the family. If that is the case here, this little girl needs her own loving family, and if it is a relative, I think that's the best solution. It would be particularly helpful to her if it was also her choice. How did your husband take the idea? Would the grandmother object? It might be a relief to the natural mother.
Good luck with the party. Too bad she wouldn't like the party in the park idea. Did you ask her if she would also like that, or was the glamour and exciement of Chuck-E Cheese just too big a draw?
S. Toji
Your niece asked for a special birthday party at Chuck E Cheese for herself. Now you are adding on her name to your son's birthday party. Of course wanting your MIL to pay half. This is so unfair. It would not cost much to have your niece have her own special day at Chuck E Cheese. Just invite 6 friends, go online for Chuck E Cheese coupons, and have a small party for her. If I was your MIL I would politely say no thanks !!!! All you are really getting is someone to fork out half of your son's birthday party cost. This child needs to feel special. She NEEDS her own day !! If you really love her the way you say you do, then you would do this for her, without expecting your MIL to fork out the money.
C.,
Unless you pick a very busy time C.Cheese will usually let you use their tables even if you don't buy their food (it's awful anyway). We did my sons party there and just purchased tokens for the kids to play. We brought chips and cool aid for snacks and our own cake.
If you really can't afford it and your MIL doesn't want to pay then there's always that option.
Or take the kids to play and then pick a park nearby to do the food, etc.
I really think this is a completely wonderful thing to do. Explain it to your son what a sweet thing this is he is doing for her to share his big day,(if he's not ok with it, I might do it anyway-good lesson on giving and being selfless).
One shared party, one year is not going to ruin anybody's childhood and will probably be a really treasured memory for both of them.
Good Luck
It sounds nice, to celebrate together, and to share the expenses. Since your mother-in-law has custody, it seems appropriate for her to help with the cost of the party- especially if your niece has friends to invite, and you provide favors and cake for yur niece and her friends. Hopefully your mother-in-law understands the sharing part. After all, your presentation of the idea was AN OFFER TO SHARE EXPENSES. Good luck- I really hope it turns out well!
K., mom to 4 and grandma to 6 and a teacher
Arcadia
I think that, it was really nice of you to offer to share the birthday party, but I think you should go all the way and just take care of the expenses, since you already had plans to have a party for your son (I imagine a lot of the guest-to-be are the same, meaning your original guest list is not going to grow too much). Your mother in law is already doing a lot, and she might've had other plans before the Chuck-E-Cheese idea, more in accordance with her budget. That would give you also a feel of what it would be like if you and your husband really adopt your nice (which I think it would be wonderful for everyone), in a very small way, because then there would be a lot more extra expenses. If you're thinking twice about the birthday party, you should really think twice about the possibility of an adoption. I think you are doing something nice for somebody that really needs that right now. Keep it up, and do it with love, love it's always the best investment. Good wishes, and best of luck.
Your willingness to include your niece in your son's birthday celebration is absolutely the thing to do. She will always remember it, and it sounds as if she could use some happy memories. Don't question this decision another moment. Remember, to a child a birthday is a huge event. I can guarantee you will not regret this decision. As an elementary teacher I can tell you how much something like this can mean to a child. That child needs to know she is loved. What a wonderful aunt you are. Take care.
No matter who pays for it, it will be great. You can tell yor son, since it's a party for BOTH of them, you decided to do it at Chuck-E-Cheese - mainly for safety, because there are too many kids to watch, etc. He might feel like you like her more because he gets his parties at a park and suddenly she shows up and it's the big E.
Or....you might wnat to continue having the park party (WAY quieter for the parents - I personaly abhor bday parties at CEC) and take the 2 of them to CEC INSTEAD of buying them presents....since they will get enough of those.
Then do a great photo album of their party and present...so that they always have those memories, no matter how things turn out.
About the co-birthday party at the park. It sounds like you took it upon yourself to be compassionate and give the little girl a bday party along with your son's. As long as you do all the planning and give give give without expecting then it is truly coming from a selfless heart. Without quick to judging another mother at all and you are simply giving her daughter a gift from your heart. Women come in all sorts and all kinds and you sound like you have the time and resources to come to this decision, but don't forget not to be so quick to assume what this other absent mom is as you clearly don't have more than ONE child and the more you have the less of you there is to give. Walk in someones shoes first and before assuming the worst toward another mom. Go ahead and GIVE FREELY WITHOUT EXPECTING ANYTHING and I say you should be fine. Remember alot can be assumed or said or thought when all you have is ONE to give to, provide for, nurture, get through school, college, bdays.... and the list can go on as you will find out. Good luck and hope the niece enjoys her bday with your son's as it should truly be a great memory for all.
C.,
I scanned through only some of the resposes you've already received, so I hope I don't take up too much of your time with duplicate stuff. But, I have walked in your shoes, and have some advice to offer.
I have two boys, and a nephew that needs extra love and attention. One of my sons has a birthday within days of my nephew. We have, for a few years now, picked up my nephew for the birthday weekend, driven several hours to where the grandparents live and had a big family party in the park. We invite my nephew's other grandparents as well, so he has a chance to see both sets of grandparents. The family all gathers, brings gifts for both boys and my husband and I foot the bill for the cake and ice cream. We extended the invitation, it's our choice to include my nephew and his side of the family, we want him to have that experience he's not getting at home. We play games in the park, have a great time, blow bubbles, have a water fight, and the kids love it.
My nephew also loves Chuck E Cheese and only gets to go when we take him. While we have him for the birthday weekend, we take our boys and my nephew to spend the afternoon, eat lousy pizza, (which the kids love!) play some games, cash in our tickets and go home with a prize. We shower as much love on my nephew as we do our own two boys and make him feel as if he is part of our family. He eats it up.
So, having been there before, he's my opinion on your situation. If you are going to include your niece in the celebration, do it because you love her and simply want her to have the same enjoyment your child gets from a birthday. Don't assume or expect anyone else to foot any part of the bill, but be gracious if your MIL chooses to help with the cost. Downsize your normal routine if you need to keep costs at a certain level. No one will question or judge you because of your party choices, especially in today's economy. If you want to include your MIL in the party planning, ask her opinion on the things you've already planned. She may offer right then and there to cover some of the expenses.
Have your expected party in the park, then take your niece to Chuck E Cheese at another time during the weekend and let her enjoy the fun there.
Most of all, make sure your niece feels loved and knows that this celebration is for her special day too. It will mean the world to her and she will recall later in life the positive role model you were to her.
Good luck!
G.
I think this is a wonderful thing to do!!! If you bring some joy to a child, who has little, how can it be bad? This memory will stay with her forever, and hopefully, will make her a better Mom than the one she has.....and God Bless Grandma too for trying to rescue her....
Thank you for your kindness to this child...you may need to keep it up but to me time and energy well-spent.
:) P.
Hello, While I would usually say that I feel it is important that each child have their "special" day, I think that it is wonderful that you have chosen to share your son's birthday with his cousin. It is a good way to help your son to learn about giving. Your niece is blessed to have all of you in her life. You can make part of the party your son's and part of it your niece's. You could decorate half of the tables with girlie things and half with boy things.
My husband and I had custody of one of our grandsons for three years. He lived with us from birth until he was 3 1/2. The court decided to give him back to his parents and it was very hard for him as well as us. He is now 10 years old and we still have a special bond with him. I hope that this little girl can find some happiness in her life. She will always remember what you do for her.
Good luck with your precious little boy and precious little niece.
K. K.
Hello, C.! I think it's lovely that you are concerned about the child's feelings. I think, too, because you suggested/offered the co-party, that it would be gracious to pay for it. I can't imagine that the expense would be much greater and setting up details with a less-than-enthusiastic co-partner is going to creat friction surely. Best of luck to you!
Definitely share the birthday! Last time I went I liked the food a lot, and so did the kids. You can either do it less expensive, like bringing coupons and your own cake and come at a non-busy time, or do their package, but either way it's nice that you're doing this for your neice.
I wanted to respond that kids need love..& if her mom can't or won't give it to her, Bless you for caring!! Most children this age are very generous with each other & as long as your boy is okay with it--go for it. You will be giving that little girl a great memory! Good Luck!
You did a wonderful thing for your niece. Your son is only 5 and don't think he'll feel the least bit slighted to share his special day. (and even if he dose, do we really need to foster selfishness or can we make it a lesson in giving?) There is no issue here.
It sounds like she is new to the area and won't therefore have friends here to invite to a party, so I think this works out just fine. Then ask the friends you are comfortable with if they wouldn't mind getting her a gift instead of your son so she has a few gifts to open. Sounds like this will be very special for her and you can explain why she may not get as many gifts as your son. She'll understand.
As for sharing expenses, if you can afford it, pay for it. If you need the help, ask for the help. I have a feeling that there is more baggage in the $$ issue than anyone on this site can know and therefore help you with.
I think that was a very generous thing to do and you are a wonderful person for doing it
Hello C.. I have read through all of the responses and I can see everyone's point of view. But. Here's my opinion: just having done a bday party for my 5 year old daughter, I know how expensive it is to throw a party-even @ CEC. First you should realize that when your niece asked for a party there she wasn't specifying that you should pay for it. She asked you because you happened to be the adult there at the time. So you shouldn't feel as if this is your "burden" (for lack of a better phrase) to bear. I personally don't see anything wrong with you asking your MIL about splitting the cost. I would have informed my MIL that the child asked for this and if she was willing and could afford it, then I would have offered the co-party as a way for you both to save some money. To also cut the price you could cut out the part of the package where the child is individualized by Chuck E himself and you guys just sing to the children individually yourselves. OR
I also like the idea others mentioned about having your park party (it sounds like that usuallu draws a huge crowd that would be extremely expensive to provide tokens for @ CEC) and include your niece and then take your son and niece to CEC alone as a gift. Good luck with whatever you decide but I definitely wouldn't push the issue with your MIL if she's unwilling to follow through with what she's already agreed to.
why not it really sounds nice. Also, you could ask the parents to bring two gifts but put a price limit so that your neice would feel welcomed and loved by your sons friends, too. An inexpensive gift from the 99 cents store to someone who hasn't has much is very exciting and would give her a sense of worth and happiness. But your mil should pay also. Good luck
I think it is a wonderful idea and I think you are a very wonderful, caring person. Your neice is lucky to have you and your husband(not to mention your MIL). I wish there were more caring people like yourselves in this world, it would help more children who are in similar situations.
God Bless you and your family!!!!
C. B.
I did this once for my two older children since they were born three days to the day of each other. When they were younger, they didn't mind, however, as they got older they wanted their own special day. If your niece and your son are willing to share the special day, then I would go ahead and let it happen. I also used to talk to my children and ask for their opinions when they were 5 and 6. This was my experience, Good Luck, and I hope it works out with the adoption, your niece will probably agree with it if she truly wants this. Don't try to buy her response though, it has to be in her best interest. I hope it helps some. Again good luck.
You did a great thing! and even if your MIl doesn't pitch in, think of the your neice and how much she will always remember this birthday. You can't buy that.
My son and my cousin who is a year younger had a birthday together and it was so much fun. We did a medievil knights/princess party-castle cakes (get each child his/her own cake), king crowns and foam swords for the boys, garland crowns and wands for the girls. The pinata was a dragon. We also had it a park with a castle playground.
