Seeking Advice Regarding a Friend with Depression

I couldn't agree more with Janine A's response. I think she nailed it pretty well! If you think you can confront your friend with your concerns for her and for the situation, that may go a long way.

Depression can compound itself if people are oblique and fearful of hurting someone's feelings. My family walked on eggshells for years around one of my sisters who attempted suicide in college. Ironically, the fear of making things worse is often perceived by that person which just makes them feel worse, believing that they really are losing it and really are disconnected. It also can give them a twisted sense of power that they may or may not really want.

As I've dealt with depression in myself over later years, I find I appreciate those who talk directly with me about their concerns. The eggshell dance is not fun for either side involved. Confronting things honestly and with love may not be the easiest route but often is the most productive for all involved in the long run.

If your friend is getting professional help that is productive, that is great. But just because she's getting "professional help" doesn't always mean it's helping. You might ask if she feels like she is getting the help she needs. If she has a spouse/family, is her spouse/family supportive? Is she accepting of her depression and willing to address it, or is she denying it? Is it being dealt with via meds, talk therapy, or both? You might feel like you're prying but it may be the candor that is needed at this point, if it hasn't happened already.

My husband keeps wondering when I'm going to get "cured". However, getting "cured" isn't the goal as much as "managing my symptoms". It's a subtle but significant difference. (Someone with diabetes may not be cured but they can manage their symptoms with care. The same goes for depression.) For all I know, I may always have to manage my symptoms. When I'm managing them well, with meds and talk therapy, it might appear to someone that I'm cured. But the truth is, the potential is always there. To some people, that may sound hopeless. But it's just a reality of managing one's life with a disease or dis-ease. That's why maintaining good self-care is critical.

Best of luck in dealing with your friend. You need to take care of yourself and know what bounds push you and your relationship (business, friendship, family) too far. Maintaining healthy boundaries of what you'll accept and not accept may help define things in a much more positive way. And, in the long run, may do more to help your friend than you think.

Good luck!

Hi B.,You are such a sweet friend to care enough to post!!I actually take an all natural/organic vitamin along w/my multi vitamin..(I wanted to try this route before trying meds)I noticed a differance after 3 weeks of using it,I also see a therapist too,I just unload on her instead of my friends and family..if you think its something she may want to try let me know and I can help!!Here is the website if she wants to order right from there or you can call me too,###-###-#### www.myshaklee.net/lola Take Care and good luck w/your friend!!

Hi B.,

I've had a similar situations where a close friend and business partner's depression affected me. I found it was difficult for me to separate myself from what was going on with the other person. I felt I was responsible for her and overcompensated for her. I wanted to help because I saw her good points, so I kept trying and trying to make things work out. However, finally, to keep my sanity, I had to keep the focus on my needs and the needs of the business -- in an honest, kind but firm way. I had to pull my emotions out of the decisions.

When I did the things that were right for myself, things worked out well. I had to let go whether my friend sought further help or not, but I kept myself sane.

My suggestion is to pull back from the entangling thoughts. You are not responsible for her. By protecting her, you may be enabling her so she doesn't have to see what's happening to the business. You're suffering the pain for her.

I suggest that you join some a group of entrepreneurs or some other group like that so that you can have support when you need it. Here's a method for finding your options that may help.

Step 1. Make an honest list of the ways your business is suffering because of her problems. For example, is she taking home the same share of the profits although she's not putting in the same amount of effort, so that you have to work too many hours so that you and your family are suffering? Is she responsible--available to make business decisions? Is the business suffering because you lack her area of expertise? Does she show up at work when she's supposed to--keep her promises and do what she said she'd do? Make a list of her former contributions to the business and what she does now. Consider that list unemotionally. Make another list of the contributions she makes to the business. Consider whether this would still enough if you hired some part-time staff.

Step 2. Talk over the list point by point with another entrepreneur, lawyer, other knowledgeable person, or go onto a blog (maybe Ok for a first step). Find out all your options. List the ones that are practical -- you'll see that you have choices. List what the outcomes might be from these choices.

Step 3. From this list, choose some likely options--not just one. Discuss these again, if you want to.

These three steps will help you feel that you have several ways to handle the situation.

Step 4. Set up a time to meet your friend/business partner. First, tell her how much she means to you as a good friend, how much she has meant to the business, etc., etc. Then follow through with an option or options.

Good luck. B.

Hi B., I actually suffer from depression myself and am on medication. Unfortunately, people who suffer with this usually it gets worse, or it does for me anyway, around the holidays. Sounds like you are a great friend! You need to speak with her and be honest and supportive. Ask her if this is too much for her. Would it be possible for you to take on another person (maybe part-time)? Just tell her you really care about her and want to make sure that she is not too overwhelmed, etc. You also need to mention your concerns and the percentage you are contributing, etc. You have to let her know how you are feeling as you could end up full of resentment and the business fail because you can't get along, etc. Good Luck and keep us posted!! Happy Holidays!

First off, I'd like to say kudos to you for being a good friend and working hard to understand and accept your friend's illness and support her. It sounds like you have done everything you can in this respect - so much so, that is it interfering markedly with your quality of life (worrying about her and taking on more than your fair share of the business). I have been close to depressed and suicidal people in my past and I share in understanding how this worry and impact ones own mental health. But, it sounds like your friend is getting what she needs - professional help and support from friends and family. You need to figure out what YOU need in this situation. If she is not able to pull her weight in your business because her illness has debilitated her, is there any way you can hire someone to cover some tasks or par down the business? You sound overwhelmed and you need to figure out a solution for your own mental health and for your family. This change would need to happen if your friend had a different serious illness that was not psychological... you need to sit down and figure out what you need to do to balance things... even if it just a temporary fix. Talk to your husband about what your family's needs are and, perhaps, what his suggestions may be to make things work better (if he is involved in these decisions, he may be more understanding and involved in the final solution). It could even help to write down on paper what specifically needs to be remedied for yourself and see if you can brainstorm solutions. Perhaps you can talk to your friend about a comfortable/realistic time frame that she may have for herself for recovery... if she has experienced depression throughout her life, she may have an idea of how long she needs for recovery to be functioning better. She may not be able to give you a response to this... and if that is the case, it is even more important for yourself that you rework your situation and your burden to reflect her indefinite "absence" as a participating business partner. Let her know that you totally respect her need to cope and recover, but, in order for your business to succeed in the long term, and in order for you to maintain your friendship and keep the balance in YOUR family, you need to make some changes for the present so that YOU can better manage the priorities in your life. Good luck with this very difficult situation!

I suffer from depression/ anxiety as well. It took me years to finally get on meds, and it took a while to find the right med as well, BUT it has changed my life in such a big way! If she knows shes depressed she should see a therapist and be put on meds. it is a serious disease that can be fatal if not treated! If she is all over the place and manic, it could be more severe, like bipolar disorder. It is not fair to everyone around her to have to deal with her mood swings. You need to sit down with her and explain how you feel without it feeling "threatening" to her, and tell her youre willing to go to the appointment for support etc if she needs you. Good luck!

B.,

Depression, as you probably know, is a common and treatable disease. If your friend suffers from chronic depression then she already likely knows a lot about the disease.

You need, for the sake of your social and business relationship, to confront her. Tell her all the things you have written here. Allow her to vent and then share what she is doing to treat her current bout of depression. If it seems like she has a solid plan and is able to follow through with it, then simply supporting her and checking in with her may be enough. If, however, she is suffering a particuarly parylzing episode of depression, she made need you to take a more active role. Depression is a very treatable condition if the sufferer has the faith and perserverance to follow through with treatment. Occasionally, the depression is so deep hospitalization is neccesary.

As long as your friend is receptive to help, continue to support her. If, however. she refuses help; you must consider your own situation and take steps to protect yourself from a business standpoint. God Bless.

J. L.