Seeking Advice on Split Familys

My advice is keep it 50-50 as much as possible! I know many kids who stay over at dad's house and then dad drops them off at mom's house in the morning in time for the bus or to go to daycare in the morning. Your daughters teachers will appreciate as much of involvment from both parents too when that time comes.
As far as research, most of it out there will tell you to keep dad involved as much as possible. I can tell you from the counseling stand point, the more he is involved the better adjusted in the long run she will be.

We go every other week for the last four years. Its fabulous.
They are so easily adaptable at that age also. Mom's one week, Dad's next week and then we agree on holidays. Kids are now 8,6.

I totally understand your situation. My ex and I fought over custody for almost a year before settling on a workable schedule. My daughter will be 4 in two weeks, and stays with me the majority of the time. Her dad gets her every other weekend, one week in January, one week in June, and one week in July. His weekends start on Thursday evening through Sunday evening. When she is school age he will not get her until Friday evening for his weekends, and the week in January will be moved to August. Even with this arrangement there are still some behavioral issues with her, because her dad has no rules or discipline at all. However, should she be shuttled back and forth more than she already is I know it would be much worse. I would totally fight for a more consistant schedule, because that is important to kids. Especially at that age. When going through the custody battle we had a custody evaluator who spent time with me and my daughter at our house, and with my ex and our daughter at his place. His recommendation was to have my daughter spend more time with me, because it was more consistant and less damaging to my daughter. A mediator is a great idea as well. That way you'll have someone's thoughts and ideas that is outside the situation. Perhaps this would be what her father needs to understand what is best for your daughter. Good luck!

I know someone who has the kids(school age) one week and the ex has the kids the next week. So 7 days on 7 days off. They have a horrible time with the kids and rules. Mom's house there are no rules homework doens't matter and at Dad's house it's the opposite. The parents fight alot about the kids clothing and who bought what and what stays at what house etc. Dad spends all the money on the kids and mom doesn't but mom doesn't return the clothing or anything so dad is constantly out buying more it's a mess..

Then I have my cousin who has her daughter M-F and her ex has her little girl 3 weekends a month. BUT.... she never has any family time with her little girl, and trying to plan a time for my little girl and hers to play is impossible because weekends are the only free time. And trying to schedule a birthday party for this little girl is a pain too.

Then My daughter's dad saw her when he felt like it. Sometimes 5 weekends in a row sometimes not for 2months. Very inconsistant and annoying. Now he has decided he no longer wants to see my daughter and hasn't in over a year. And to tell you the truth I like it better that way. I always know what's going on and not to get let down or expect things from her dad.

So anyways that's my experiance it's so hard to choose the right thing for your daughter's situation but just do what's right in your mind and make sure you go to court and have it in writing. Be very very very specific with holidays and school days off, and who's gonna take the kid if she get's sick at school, and so on. Think well out into the future which sounds like you already are.

In my opinion what works well in some cases but not all is mom having the child and dad visiting on Wednesday nights and every other weekend. So your daughter would still see daddy every wednesday go out to dinner or something and then every other weekend.If Dad does what you say he wants to do it could be very stressful and uneasy on your daughter to much shuffling around. Your daughter is probaly going through alot and NEEDS security and stability and being shuffeled around might make things crazy. No matter how you try dad's house and mom's house will be very very different and not knowing where your sleeping or who's house or gonna be at would be difficult. Until she can comprehend time and days and schedule.

I think it really depends on your child. My son started going with his father every other week when he was 4. We went on with this until he started school. By the time he had started school he was acting out so badly that he got kicked out of the daycare he was attending during his father's week. When school started he started seeing dad every other weekend and every Wednesday after school. Let me tell you the behavior did a complete 180 for the better when he was in my home with consistancy and routine. It's rough on a young child to have two different sets of rules, two routines, and two everything. I do agree dad should be involved as much as possible but maybe it wouldn't be in the best interest of your daughter to be doing that when school starts. That's just a family decision that you and your husband need to make, keeping your daughter's best interest first.

I think Dad should be able to see daughter when ever its convient for the 2 of you. I agree she should stay at one home during the weekdays, when she has school. But I don't see why Dad can't pick her up after school on certain days of the week and take her out for dinner, or something. I would have a set time for her to be home to still spend time with you and get ready for bed, ect.
I think it wonderful that you both want to spend so much time with your child! Way to go on working togather as well!!

I have been through all of this and know exactly what it is you are going through. Sorry to hear you are dealing with it, it is not only hard for you, but also for your daughter. I agree with you 100%. Children need consistancy, and having them jump around from home to home several times a week. My current schedule with me son works like this. He goes to his Dad's every other weekend, and one night a week (Not over night though), so that he can get into bed for school the next morning. My ex did not agree with this at first. I really recommend going to see a mediator with your ex. It put things in to perspective for both of us while we were going through it. Then there is someone else outside of the "loop" helping out.

Hi-
First off I'm sorry for what you're going thru. I know first-hand how hearbreaking it is to put your child through this and wish it could be easier on them. I don't have research to point to, only an example of a friend of mine who's child is in kindergarten and splitting time 40dad/60mom. I can tell you that this child has not ever done well with this arrangement. There are many behavioral problems because of the lack of consistency between the homes, and already this kid has learned how to use the situation to manipulate the parents. The mom (my friend) has been struggling with this for the past 3 years and there is no end in sight. I believe kids need consistency and they need to know where 'home' is. Now is the time to take a stand because once the divorce goes through and custody is decided it will be much more difficult to make other arrangements. Consider making an appointment with a child psychologist or two to get professional opinions if you can. A more sane arrangement for your daughter is definately worth fighting for.

My ex husband and I split when my daughter was three as well. It's not easy by any means to make a schedule to make everyone happy. My advice to you is to let her dad be involved with her as much as possible, because a lot of dads end up not only divorced from you, but also the children. I think that maybe you should allow your daughter to spend the night with her dad on school nights sometimes. Your daughter needs to know though that you and her dad are working together to make the rules for her. So between you two, you could establish a bed time, determine when homework gets done. Maybe things didn't work out between you two, but never make your daughter suffer for that. My daughter is 18 years old now, and she loves both her dad and I. Things weren't always easy, and we weren't always civil to each other, but our daughter always knew that WE knew what was best for her. Good luck to you.

My ex husband and I also have a 50/50 split. The kids love it. As long as you both are in the same school district then it shouldn't be a problem with being at both parents house durning school. I have my kids every monday and tues and every other weekend. He has them every wednesday and thurs. and every other weekend. As it works out we each have them for 5 days straight. The kids look forward to seeing their dad on his days and then coming back home. Plus this way neither parent looses out on knowing what is going on with the kids in thier school. We have worked it out to where they have the same rules, bed time, disapline... everything is the same at both houses. They know that we are still a team... if they get into trouble at one house.. the other parent knows about it by the time they get home. It takes alot of communication between the parents (but it should be that way). But I feel this way is the best for both the kids and the parents. Nobody looses out with the time we need to be together. As long as you have set days and stick with them she will be use to it and it will be smooth while in school. When the time comes if you see a problem with her school then sit down and talk about what would be the best for her.

One thing to consider... I would make sure that there is a clause in your divorce once your child starts school if a parent were to move, where the child will live and if the visits will change.
For us.. if one parent moves out of the school district the other parent gets placement of the kids and the parent who moved gets visits on the weekends. That way its not a mess while the child is in school trying to figure it out. Plus this way the kids aren't being moved out of the school all the time.

Hello-

I don't think that you are wrong at all. I myself am having a lot of the same issues with my x-husband about our daughter. Do you and your x live in the same school district? I would like to chat with you, give me a hollar when you get a chance, seems like we have a lot of the same issues and maybe we could help each other out.

:)-L.

I have two step children that stay with us 50% of the time. Tuesdays, Thursdays & every other Friday Sat & Sunday. When I married my husband my step daughter was 4 & my step son was 21 months. I certainly don't know if this was the right decision for the children, but it was a decision made before I even knew who my husband was, so I obviously had no part in making it. We have been married nearly 10 years now & the kids still stay here 50% of the time. (I brought in 2 of my own children to the marraige and we have one together now.) Each of my children have there own rooms, and we buy nearly half of there needs, I say nearly because my husband pays significant child support to his ex-wife and feel she can use this towards extra stuff needed in joint homes ie: snow pants, boots, shoes and some clothes. The kids are simply used to this back & forth. When they have been asked they don't have any desire to change it. But as a stepmothers or simply just a "moms" point of view I believe it has been difficult on them. They are now 14 & 11 and for the most part well adjusted. However they do have serious issues put on them. There mom has been married & divorced twice since we have been married, and also has been in & out of many relationships. I do think she really truly wants the best for her children I just don't think she realizes what all of this does to her kids. The kids through out the years have come to our home and act out, we can tell without anyone telling us that ther mom has a new boyfriend or if the current boyfriend and her are fighting just by the way they act out. Crabby, overreacting, fighting, over sensitive. I find myself telling MY kids.."just be patient they are going through a tough time" about 1-2 times a month. My kids don't want to put up with it anymore, as they are tired of it, and I don't blame them! If I would have ever known what effect my husbands exwifes behavior would have have on my own kids I don't think I would have married him. Now you say what does this have to do with 50% of the time. Heres the deal, your daughter will have to live and adapt with 2 families her whole life. Live with the ups & downs of both. Both families will be full time with her, because she will be an active part of both. She will have to adapt with 50/50 different kinds of disapline, and I will tell you that I know personally that that is very difficult. If you make it 50/50, then you need to be sure that you will remain in good standing with her dad. You will have to remain in good communication with your daughter, and DEFINATELY not EVER play one parent against the other. The kids mom has never taught the kids to respect me & even told them they don't have to listen to me. However I have not done anything but defend the mom throughout the many changes, and I have a very close relationship with my step daughter purely because she feels more comfotable talking to me, then her own mom because I won't bad mouth her mom. I guess what I'm telling you is that only if you know you & your ex can continue parenting together and consistant would I say that 50/50 is the best for the child. Good Luck I hope I helped with your decision. If you have any more questions feel free to ask.
M.