Seeking Advice on Sister-in-law

I understand the need to help family....however, she DOES work at WalMart and if they need money that badly, make it a legal contract and notarize it...I personally would run, not walk, away from the request, loaning money to a family member like this one is kissing it goodbye! Based on her past with you...you are being used and BIG Time!! Blood money is not useful.

I agree with that don't lend money you ever expect back, especially to family. You will always hold bitter feelings when they do not repay you. I think that is very big of you to offer them a job. Maybe they need help moving as well. I would ask them both what exactly holds them to Boston. I would also ask your father in law what keeps him in Boston. Maybe if he moved down then they would move down?

On a side note I would ask to talk to there land lord. I would make the check out to the land lord. That is what they are asking for the money for. I would make sure that is what the money is going to. This will prevent them from making up stories in the future just to get money out of you. Also if they got help from any charity organization they would do the same thing.

Good Luck! Trust yourself! Do what you think is best for the kids. Remember that this is your husbands family and make sure that you know how he feels about it.

I personally wouldn't give them money because money can always cause problems with friends and family it is never a good idea!!!!

Good Luck on your decision!
R. J.

C.,

I do understand the situation you are in, but in my experience it has been a very close friend of the family - my children's God Parents. It is a hard situation to have to deal with. The only thing I didn't hear you talk about in your message is how your husband feels about all of this. If this has become a repeated issue with your sister n law, I would probably put some kind of business proposition in there - even though you know they will probably never be able to stand up to it. This way they know you can't bail them out every time. OR, in my other experience, i have asked to be given the bills that need to be paid and paid them myself without giving them the money. This way I knew the money was going to what they were telling me they needed it for. This really got my friend! She did give me the bills and I paid them for her. I think it really hit home for them when I asked for the bills to make sure I was spending money on what they were asking it for - maybe showing a lack of trust and it concerned them. Either way, I would put some kind of stipulation on it to show you can't do this all the time.

I am very sorry to hear you have to go through this during this wonderful time of year. At least you do have the money to lend - you should be very thankful for that!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
Sam

Don't do it- you'll never get the money back, and it will breed bad feelings, you help this time then they will demand help in the future, their right they'll think.
You make someone a criminal to get something for nothing, and you have offered them a chance to work for money and they have turned that down- read what you wrote- they have tapped out your father in law and still haven't handled THEIR situation other than to keep putting their hand out.
Just repeat your offer of a job, and just keep repeating that.
That you have money- very well done- but what you have from your hard work does not make it their right to ask for what YOU worked for,
Best of luck.

Hi C.,
If it were me, I had the $$ and was willing to help out this once I think that I would tell them upfront that I can only help once as there are other people or charities in my list of monthly help. Then I thinl I might also tell them that I would help when I can IF they either take your Husband's jobs or get other stable paying work and pay my Father On Law back.
Definitly I see just handing out the $$ w/o stipilations or conditions of any future assistance as being enabeling and getting caught up in a never ending thing.
Just my thoughts but they may help. You could give to the kids as you want & could. I can't imagine they would challenge that but if they did I think I would either tell them this is what I am willing to do or just this is what I want to do!
Good Luck with this & let us know how it turns out.

S.

Dear C.,

You are in a really tough spot. I know exactly what you mean. Your heart is in the right place, and your concerns are justified. Know that if you let hem "borrow" money, you will never see it again. If you and your husband are ok with that then go ahead and do it. However, they will be back for more. There this no way a family that size can live in Boston off a Walmart salary. I have been helping a single mom, and I just kept giving and giving. I finally had to put a stop to it. It was much harder to stop then it was to start. My sister took money from my mother for 10 years. My mother didn't know how to stop, but she wanted to. She felt bad, and couldn't bring her self to say no. The only way it stopped was because my mother died. My sister woke up some what, and moved out of the house she could not afford. However, she is still broke and will be broke until the day she dies. My entire family has talked to her until we are blue in the face. I have taken her to classes on how to improve your self, motivated yourself, handle your finances. Nothing has changed. Now her daughter is the exact same way and she doesn't understand where she learned it from :). So just know if you do decide to do this, it won't end and it does just enable them to continue living the way they live. They obviously don't have a problem with it, so why should you. Can't he get a job until February, even McDonalds or something? Do handy man jobs for people? You know that if it was your family that would be what your family would do(what ever it takes). That is why you are where you are at in your life. Because you don't just sit around and expect things to change. You made them change. It is obvious that they are not willing to change. Unfortunately you can't save their children. It is soooo hard to watch that vicious circle. I say, don't give them the money. You have offered them both jobs (that is money), they have chosen not to take that money. Good luck and my prayers are with you all!

sherri, i think your doing wright in offering help to them; its there ignorance thats hindering then. i feel they should listen to you, but what else can you do wright? (nothing!) its only my oppinoin that you should either put conditions on the money, or then get no money from you.(at least thats what i would do.) maybe when things get bad enough for them that they will either realize or have no choice but to accept. (or they could possibly find other jobs up there,ya never know.) but youve done all you can,and i wouldnt let it drive me crazy. if your the religious type, im sure prayers for them wouldnt hurt either.

I would follow your heart in doing what you feel is the right choice. If you are a relgious person at all, I would turn to the bible and find your answer there.... you will find much guidance there about giving, doing for others and the real reason you have been blessed with stable jobs, extra income and the wisdom to make good choices.

Many people on here are right, you will likely see little to none of the money again, but if you choose to help, do it knowing that it is with that knowledge and don't let it burden your heart that you will not get it back. Not everyone is blessed with equal health, money or wisdom in doing things wisely..... they should be picked up when they need by those who have been blessed with such gifts. You were given them for a reason...

Best wishes and happy holidays!

Hi, C.!

I don't have personal experience with that much money and a relative, but I have helped my mom out in some tough spots with a thousand dollars or less. We followed the advice of a pretty great money guy (Dave Ramsey) on the radio. He says that when you're dealing with family, you either have to write it up as a loan, with interest and due dates and everything in writing, or give it as a gift. If you don't, it will ruin your feelings for them.

We ended up treating the money to my mom as a gift, and it worked for us because then the money was gone and we didn't think about it, so it didn't poison our relationship. Of course, she's my mom and I owe her everything anyway! But when she did pay us some back, it was a nice surprise.

I think you're really generous to even consider this, however you decide. Good luck!

Just a suggestion, never lend money that you can't afford to lose. It should be given with no strings and you need to be fully prepared never to see it again. Unless you want to drive a money shaped wedge through your family. And you can't tell someone how to live their lives unless yours is 100% perfect. They may be hurting for $$ but happy....who knows. That being said you can always say no. Just because you have it and they don't doesn't make you an ATM machine. And if they were living down here it doesn't mean things would change except you'd see them more often... Try not to judge them too harshly, as we've seen in this country circumstances can change at the drop of a hat and the rich and poor trade places in a heartbeat. Think how you'd feel if you were in their position. How would you want to be treated. Take care and I hope the situation gets resolved..

Honestly I wouldn't do it. I don't mean to sound selfish but if you do it there will be more that is expected in the future.

Good luck.

What a problem you are faced with. What is that saying? Give a man a fish you feed him for a day, teach him to fish and you feed him for life (or something like that). I can see why you are torn. You naturally want to help family (especially at Christmas), but to what end when they do not want to help themselves? Personally, I would be inclined to tell them no on sending them money, but again offer to help them relocate down here where you can help them get on their feet and give them stable work. There is a lot I don't know about the situation, but from what you have written here this is what I would be inclined to do.

I can't tell you if you should loan the money or not, but just keep in mind that when you loan money, don't plan on getting it back, just consider it a gift. Now, I know this isn't always true, but even with family and in the best of times, this can happen. If they have other options and have chosen not to use them, then they are not really interested in helping themselves, but looking for others to help them. There are places, even in Boston, that will help short term with rent and power bills. Have they exhausted all of those options first? Or have they not even checked them out?
Just a thought, I feel for the kids and I understand how you feel. I have a friend who plays the same game..... I just can't feel sorry for people who won't help themselves and just want everyone one else to help them. Congratulations on having a good year and being able to save. That is a huge accomplishment in this economy. Remember to look out for yourself and your family, too.
Hope this wasn't too harsh, I really didn't mean it that way. Just my opinion:-)

Roz

I feel for your situation. I have been in the same situation too, but with my own mother & brother. They both have the best of intentions though and do pay back what is lent out to them, so my husband and I don't have an issue lending to them if we have the money to spare. My husband and I have also been in your sister-in-law's situation and have received monetary help from my brother-in-law and from my mother, which we've also paid back as soon as we were able to, so what goes around, comes around, whether positive or negative, and I've felt God's hand in my life because of it. I agree with most of what the others who replied have said, such as putting a time limit on the loan, offering to pay their rent directly, or considering the $$$ a gift in YOUR eyes (though don't tell them that, because it would be better if they paid you back). What I don't necessarily agree with is the job offer idea. While your intentions are good, I warn you about creating a situation where your husband is their boss or somehow responsible for their jobs/income. I think that could potentially damage relationships even more than lending out some cash to help with a tight situation, if the economy turns even more sour and their jobs down here become at risk. We've been in business with my brother-in-law and with my mother, and it wasn't easy, and while our relationships are still intact, it did cause rifts at times, even though we were equal partners in the business venues. We are no longer linked business-wise to my brother-in-law, but I pay my mom to care for my youngest daughter and that business relationship is enough at times to cause some headaches. You really have to know how to separate family from work. Just make sure that if you give out the money, remember what Rosanne and Rosalind said and if they take up your husband's offer to move down here, be prepared for some growing pains. Good luck to you and Merry Christmas. I will pray that God enlightens your to make the best decision for your family.
C.
P.S. My brother just move to NC, because he was able to find work there after 5 months without a job here in FL, and he says that SC also has plenty of construction jobs and plumbing jobs, etc... so that could be another idea for them (and it's not as cold as Boston).

Just a thought, but has your sister-in-law considered talking to their landlord?

I think they are out of line asking you to provide rent for them. I was a single Mom for years and never asked anyone for help. I did what ever work I could find to make it. Your husband has offered them work and they refused to take it, that makes it no longer your problem. If you want to help them in any way buy the kids something they need. If your husband were to offer me work I would take it. You are not responsible for them, it is their responsibility to take care of their family. Make the offer to them to move down here and take a job with your company. If they refuse then they are no longer your concern. You can buy a house cheaper than you can rent right now. God Bless You for being such a kind soul but do not let them take advantage of you. The more you help them the more help they will expect.

I really feel for you and your uncomfortable situation. We have relatives who never call until they need money, and then will call repeatedly and leave desperate messages. It's really horrible (for both sides, I'm sure) having these conversations. But we have given them money before, and so of course they keep coming back. I blame myself in a way, because it's a sort of a relief to be able to send a check just to get off the phone! I think they lie to us and say whatever they think we want to hear (applying for jobs, going back to school, joining the military, etc., but none of these "plans" ever come to fruition). It's awkward because to them we are "rich," but frankly, we are sort of just breaking even at a higher standard of living. We have a nice house and cars, but we are stuck with them and their high monthly payments for some time to come. I tried to explain that we have a budget, and their random emergencies mean that we have to give up other stuff to find the money to help them. But I think it falls on deaf ears because they have absolutely NO concept of what a budget is and how to live by one. They just go from one emergency to the next with absolutely no safety net (except us, I guess). I found out that we are just the most recent ATM for them, since they have tapped out other family members, including my mother-in-law, who lives on a fixed income and has just about nothing left. Soooooo... sorry to rant, but just be careful.

I would be seriously wary of the job offer thing. If they are as inept and clueless as my particular relatives, you would not want them working for you. What a headache! If you had to let them go, they'd probably sue you. But thankfully, your relatives don't seem like bad people, just down on their luck. If I were going to loan a chunk of money like they are asking for, I would offer to do it only through a third party, like this:

http://www.virginmoneyus.com/PersonalLoans/tabid/54/Defau...

If you don't like the way Virgin does it, there are other resources online that will help you set up a family loan, with the terms and dates for payment, that will make it very official. If your relatives balk at this idea, then you will know that they probably never planned on paying you back anyway. You should seriously try it, or you should just give them the money and never hope to see it back. Good luck to you on your decision. I know it's heartbreaking when there are children involved. I would be interested to know what you decide to do.

Only give it if you know its a gift and you will never get it back. If not, you are just creating grounds to resent them. I see it one of two ways, you refuse and they resent you for the short term and eventually get over it. You send it, the are grateful and love you until the third month when they need more, you never get it back and the resentment grows on your end...festering for the duration of the relationship. I know you feel bad for them, but...it sounds like that have had financial problems for awhile now, they need to figure out how to make it work.
For instance, we are making it, I could go back to work and we would be in great shape, but I want to stay home with the kids so we make do. My sister, whose husband makes double what mine does, is doing the woe is me thing. She has everyone convinced she will lose her home w/out help. However, she and her children eat fast food every single day, sometimes twice a day for a min. of 75 dollars/week or 300/month. She gets starbucks once a day at 25/week. that 400 right there. Many are struggling, but many can cut back if they are forced to. I feel bad for those that have nothing left to cut back...

I know you just want to help the kids, just decide if its worth the relationship

P.