Seeking Advice on How to Handle Daughters Fathers Ridiculous Rules at His House!

That does sound a little ridiculous. I don't agree with the sick thing though, I think she should go but maybe you should speak to him first and find out why this was so upsetting to him. Did something else happen that day. Seams like an overreaction to something like that. If he truely is that upset over that, maybe she shouldn't go, I wouldn't want my daughter to be that uncomfortable in a situation where I wouldn't be there to defend her.

Wow, I think he sounds a little extreme. However I think that at 10 she should be given the choice. Sit down and talk to her and if she doesn't want to go then have her call her dad and tell him she doesn't want to go. She is at the age that you should let her have choices. I say make a few options for her and let her decide. At this age she needs to gain some knowledge on making the right decision for herself to become independent. I also think that you don't want her to become resentful by having to be forced to go to her dad's. I remember my best friend being forced to go to her fathers and she had hard feelings for many years over it. Good luck

A., you have received a lot of responses with very good advice. As a mother in a similar situation as yours I just wanted to say that I agree with everyone who says your ex has serious issues! My ex is the SAME WAY (extreme anger issues & very controlling) and my daughter is at the point of just complete resentment and doesn’t even want to see him anymore.

I wish you and your daughter luck!

I feel bad for your daughter, her father sounds like an angry guy. On one hand, I think she should not have broken his house rules. She knows at his house she is not to drink sodas. Since she is allowed to have them at your house, it doesn't make sense that she would want to take a couple from Dad, except to kind of tick him off, maybe. I don't think you can let her out of going to his house this weekend, though. He has as much right to punish her as you do. If he is exibiting behavior that is abusive, I would go back to court and fight for full custody so that you can pick and choose when she goes, but otherwise I think you should let this play out. I don't agree with him. I think he is mean, but his rules deserve attention, just like your rules do at your house. I am curious though, does he actually call it "His" fridge instead of "theirs"? I would just be in contact with your daughter in order to keep her spirits high.

It sounds to me as though your ex is concerned about your daughter growing up to be responsible, however, the ranting and name calling is not a good example of a responsible adult. He definately has an anger problem and should seek help. It is not normal for a parent to get that angry over a child taking sodas, unless it has been an ongoing issue that he's talked to her about several times before and she continues to be defiant, however, that doesn't sound like the case here. Children always test their boundaries, and it's the parent's responsibility to set them strait, but your daughter is also learning about how to behave when she becomes an adult and the way she is treated now will affect the way she treats her own children. When she watches her father rant and rave, call her names and make threats, she records that in her brain and maybe someday will react that way with her own kids. Be careful.

Do not allow your daughter, or any other child, to be alone with this man. You are her mother & her safety & well being are your number one priority.

There has to be more behind it. Maybe she had been acting up all weekend and this was the end result. Maybe he feels like she was giving him the finger by knowing his rules, sneaking behind his back, and hiding the soda's. She may have lied about it. I would try to listen to his side of it. I would also explain to her that even though you may not agree with his rules, he's still her father and that she needs to respect what he says the same as you would expect it in your house. I also think you need to send her, as hard as that will be, because if not, you are pretty much taking his authority and respect away. Then, after this weekend, talk with him about her getting older and maybe needing more space (less time) with him, or allowing her a little more say in when she comes and goes (since he cancels all the time, it shouldn't be a problem). I think if her step father had wanted to discipline her, you'd step back and let him parent, and you really need to let her bio-dad have the same/similar respect. Btw, he'll probably be cooled down a bit by the weekend and won't be so mad anymore. It may open some line of relationship that they haven't had before, or not, but she needs to see you wont lie for her or "save" her from punishment. That's my thought, good luck, it will pretty much suck sending her, I know.

A. ~ Sorry, but I think she has to go back. You and her father live in separate homes and you cannot override his rules at his house just as he cannot override the rules at your house. It is definitely extreme to be so angry, but after a week he will probably have cooled off and the punishment will not be as bad as he/she had anticipated. You need to talk to your daughter and let her know that her dad has rules at his house and she must follow them. If you don't send her to her dad's your sending her a message that she can do what she wants, right or wrong, and you will "fix" it for her and she will not have to deal with the consequences. I understand that she is only 10, but kids are very smart and they learn early by your behavior. I raised two girls of my own in separate households from their father and we had many similar situations. You have to back him on this because one day, perhaps when she is a teenager, you will need him to back you. Parenting takes two, just because you are in different houses doesn't mean you're not parenting together. Talk to her dad and tell him you want to support him, but you think he may be a little extreme on this issue. Find out exactly what he wants as her punishment and then see if you can negotiate something lighter if he is still insistent on it being the worst punishment ever. Don't discuss it with your daughter other than to let her know that she is going to her father's and she will have to accept her punishment. For every action there is a reaction and she needs to learn to respect his rules as well as yours. I certainly wouldn't waste my money taking him back to court over two sodas and a bad punishment plan, without first attempting to speak with him and see if things can be worked out. He is her father and what are you going to do, take him to court every time he does something you don't like? I'm sure not. Your daughter is your priority and so teaching her to respect the rules of her father, you, and anyone else' home she happens to be in should absolutely be a priorty as well.
Good luck with your decision making. Keep us posted on how things work out.
L.

Im sorry but he sounds like a complete jerk. I have a similar problem with my kids father (we have three kids together a 14yr old and twin boys who are 7) They go with him every other weekend. He lives with his new girlfriend and she seems to be good with my kids, However, he is bitter that he is having to pay me childsupport. He had the nerve the other day to ask me why i was making his life miserable by getting him for so much childsupport, I was not allowing him to live a decent life. I know what he makes and he should be ok even if he is paying me childsupport. So, he went off saying that when the kids go over they eat up all his groceries in one day and he never had money. I just about wanted to explode!!! . I was beside myself on how selfish he was being. I feel for you because I know where your coming from. OVER A COUPLE OF SODAS!!!!??? He is a jerk!! Plus he is threatning your daughter over that. I would act on that fast. REport him. I would not want my daughter going back after something like that. :o(

Wow. What a sticky situation. First of all, his reaction was, in my humble opinion, very inappropriate. He should have handled it differently... especially since she is so young. Whatever your relationship is with him, it would be best to actually discuss the situation with him first and then when all the ugly is worked out... bring her in to find out why she did it. Lieing for her is only going to teach her that it's ok to be dishonest so I wouldn't go that direction. If she is not allowed to drink soda at your house, or apparently is, then maybe she was "taking" it when she shouldn't, otherwise, why would she have hid it in her bag. Still, I think his reaction was very inappropriate

sounds like your ex has some issues and if i were you i wouldnt let her go back to his house... if you have court ordered visitation then maybe its time to take him back to court and have it modified... dont force her to go to his house if shes afraid...

Personally, I would tell him that you don't agree with his decision, and would like to work out a compromise. If he refuses to calm down at all, maybe you should consider petitioning the court for a change in visitation (especially since he cancels so often). At 10 years old, the judge may take your daughter's feelings into account.

How extreme, over a couple if sodas. She sounds frightened and I personally would not let her go to his place next weekend. He needs to cool off and realize how pathetically small her actions were, whether or not it was a rule break or not. Kids will always go for what they are forbidden to have. If he let's her have one now and then, she won't be so desperate to have to sneak one! It's not as if it was a beer, or something harmful. She will resent you if you force her to go, and she is old enough to decide if she wants to go or not, as long as you don't mind keeping her on is weekend. Sounds like your x needs some anger management, and some parenting classes. Very sad. I feel bad for your girl - a Daddy should be someone who provides a haven and a soft place - not a fearful place.
K.
Kellyis.stayinhomeandlovinit.com
myspace.com/luvinstayinhome

A., this man has serious issues, and those issues are not your 10 year old daughter. Thats just a front, its not about the sodas I think its deeper. His daughter, your daughter should be allowed to open the fridge and eat or drink anything she wants as long as its not anything bad. This is supposed to be her home away from home and if he cant treat her like she is part of his family then maybe she needs to stop going there. If this behavior continues then she will only end up resenting him. You need to talk to him and tell him to chill out a bit, its not like she stole his beer or anything like that. At 10 years old a girl is so impressionable, please save yourself and your daughter some trouble, dont send her back till he changes. Good Luck!
A.!

A.- Well, it sounds like someone is a little nit picky.... I'm in a similar situation with my 4 boys father.If your daughter is truely scared of going to her dads house this weekend, I wouldn't make her go. But, if she is just trying to avoid her dad cause she doesn't want to follow his rules, I'd tell her that she needs to go....Children of divorced parents, often like to test their parents to see how far they can get.It's hard for the children having 2 different houses and 2 different sets of rules. I'm sure you try your best to be a good mom ( as we all do ) You'll figure it out. Just follow your motherly instincts. Good Luck, and I hope you have a nice and peaceful weekend :)

Hi A.,

First I wanted to say that I also have a 12 year old daughter from a previous marriage. I am happily remarried now and am expecting my third child with my new husband. So I know how delicate the balance can be. But there is absolutely no excuse for your ex's behavior and you need to take a stand and do something. He is causing a great deal of damage to your daughter both pyschologically and emotionally...my ex is also very tempermental and not reliable. My daughter who is a sweet, caring, smart girl is shy, unsure of herself and sad at times. Now that she is on the brink of her teens, I worry about how she will relate to men and whether my ex's treatment (or non-treatment) of her will effect her choice in relationships with the opposite sex. Also, I've found that I feel helpless because no matter what I or my husband (her step dad) do to encourage her and support her, we can't help because it's not about us...it's about the relationship between her and her biological dad. So, therapy is a great option. Taking your daughter to see someone that is not related to the situation so she can talk about her feelings and work through them could make all the difference in her future. You also need to talk to your ex and tell him how much his negative actions have a lasting impact on your little girl. It may not make any difference now, but he needs to know that you don't approve of his actions and he needs to change-for his daughter's sake!

Good luck with your situation and know that you're not alone!

Gee, it seems quite extreme in the way your Ex has reacted. Basically...it sounds as though he's 'threatened' her and you by saying that no way is she going to stay at your house and she is going to get punished the worst she ever had and it's going to be SO bad etc. I would be AFRAID for my daughter. He sounds sick. Has he ever been abusive before? I wouldn't trust him with her. YOU need to protect her. It's not normal. He sounds... quite hostile. Is there ANY way you can keep her home? If he threatens you or your daughter... call the proper authorities. Does he have a history of doing this to your daughter, or behaving this way? You need to take this seriously. Your daughter is AFRAID of him. You don't know what in the world will happen if you send her there alone... unsupervised by you. YOu have to take care of your daughter... no matter what she did, taking 2 sodas is not stealing. She is a child... and the threats your Ex made to her is NOT normal. Do something about it... in case he does make good on his threats. Well, you could just ignore it to, and keep the status quo... and send your daughter there. But... you need to show and teach your Daughter....that HER worries are PRIORITY with you too... not just impressing your Ex. You have to let her feel supported by you and respected... and that HER Mom will always look out for her back. She is 10 years old....they need reassurance and love and knowing that they can trust their parent to HELP them when they are in trouble. Not just ignored. A girl needs this... obviously your Ex is not a great 'role' model for her. Good luck and take care!
~Susan
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