Seeking Advice on Friendship with Husband's Best Friend

Wow, I'm really surprised with all the responses so far...I think being attracted to another man is normal, it will happen occassionally over the course of a marriage. I've been happily married for sixteen years and have had a few "crushes" during that time. Of course I never acted on them, but I had a few good fantasies!
And I'm sure my hubby has been attracted to other women as well...we are only human :)
The thing you need to ask yourself is: can I acknowledge my feelings without acting upon them? It's hard to tell from your short post whether or not you and this man have talked about your attraction to each other, but if you have I think that makes it even harder to carry on "normally." If you're afraid of what you might do if you are alone with him then by all means, keep your distance.
Take care :)

If you have to ask the question, then it's probably best to stay out of that situation.

being attracted to someone is one thing, acting on it is another. I find one of my partner's friends very cute but I would never act on it. I have no idea what if anything he thinks of me and I'm happy to keep it that way. I do make a point of not being right there when the two are together. I say hi, I exchange in the idle chit chat and then I go off and hang out with his wife and kids.

Try to keep a safe distance and remember what's really important in your life.

I guess it is possible...but I don't recommend it. It's like working in a bar if you are an alcoholic-- why subject yourself to such temptation and hardship. Over time your husband might sense the attraction and, worse case scenario, he could loose his wife and his best friend. Maybe you need to take the pulse of your marriage and make sure it's healthy.

Hello S.,

There are certain lines that one should not cross when you are married. Trying to be "friends" with a close friend of your husband when you realize there is a mutual attraction, is a BAD IDEA.

If you think you can just maintain a harmless relationship, I beg to differ. You are setting yourselves up for a possible break in your marriage. It is not worth it!

L.

NO!!! It's not possible. RUN. FLEE. DO not be more than just aquaintances and do not be alone with him. Protect your marriage and your children's family. Do not be friends. You're married, but you're not dead. You may find yourself attracted to someone else, but you are married to your hudband. You have a commitment to him and to your children to preserve your family. Do not place yourself in tempting situations. The results could be devasting.

Pray for strength and wisdom.

Hi S.,
Here's a question for you. If you knew your husband and your best friend were attracted to each other, would you be comfortable with them pursuing a "friendship"? Take your answer and go from there. If you are attracted to your husband's best friend, you already have problems in your marriage that have not been talked about or addressed. It sounds like you and your husband need to start some type of damage control in your marriage and address why it is you are attracted to someone besides your husband. I will say something that many may disagree with, but here you have it anyway. If your sexual thoughts are for anyone besides your husband, your marriage is headed for the rocks. Yes, it is normal for our thoughts to wander or for us to notice when someone is attractive, but after that, we have the ability to control if we choose to dwell on that. It sounds like you have chosen to dwell on the fact that something attracts you to your husband's best friend, and that is wrong. I believe you need to come clean with your husband, tell him you want your marriage to continue to work, but you need help. You may consider counselling or going to a church you like or reading marriage books, but whatever you choose, you better get on it. You are headed for disaster and you will blindside your husband and your children with terrible tragedy and pain because you did not control your thoughts. You may feel that because you aren't physically doing anything wrong, then it's okay, but the line between thinking something and doing something is very, very, very fine. You will cross it before you even know it, and you will do something horrible that can never be undone. Stay completely away from this man and be honest with your husband. For the sake of your family, and for the sake of your own conscience. God bless.

Sure, its possible but its also possible to run down an icy sidewalk coated with Crisco Oil and not fall but I wouldn't advise that either.

Hi S.,

If you are attracted to him, I would avoid him. The temptation will only get harder to ignore.

D.

Hi S. J
Ummmm I think IF you had to ask this question, then the answer in your case is perhaps NO....?? not possible..
then again, I could be wrong. BUT if there wasn't already an issue or possible conflict in your mind due to some "thoughts" about your husband's friend, then you wouldn't need to ask this question.
Really think it over and decide is this a friendship worth getting into..

best of luck to you

Red flag! Red flag! That's what I'd be thinking :). A friendship with your husband's best friend (who you happen to be attracted to), while a nice idea, is a total slippery slope. Save yourself, your husband and your four wonderful children the potential for serious, life-altering heartache and just say no. If you're lonely and looking for friendship, please, please, please seek out other women to fill that need. Or better yet, find a fantastic church where you can fill the "hole in your heart" (that so many of us have) with the love only God can provide, and plug in so you can get to know folks.

NO! You might be telling yourself your "friends" but you also said there is an attraction. It sounds like this an escape from something else. Whatever is going on in you or your marriage, address it. Have the courage to be straight up and deal with the problem at hand. When your needs for intimacy - emotional and otherwise - are met within the relationship, there is no need to go outside the relationship. Maybe the attraction to your husband's friend will pass, but I would just leave it alone. If you chose to act on it, you are setting in motion a series of things that will harm your marriage, and ultimately the 4 children you have.
Did you know that coal and diamonds are the same chemical compound - carbon. How a diamond comes to be is it withstands the heat and the intense pressure, and because of that, the molecules change and form a tight bond. Keep your commitment to your marriage and become the diamond!

M. S.

Hi S.,
I think it is best to keep some distance there. Friendly toward one another, yes. Friends that hang out and do things together, probably not a great idea. I think that would get messy too quickly and unless you are looking for something else, I would not go there to begin with.
Sometimes just asking the question points out how we are feeling and what we already know.
In this case, it sounds like you already have a concern....

Hi,

I think personally it is best to separate the two. Let your husband have his best friend, don't become close with his friend. It can only lead to problems in your marriage and or their friendship.

M

Sae,

From personal experience , Threesome freindships with members of the opposite sex (weather it be 2 women, one man, or two men and one woman)will eventually become a disaster. There is a good reason God made our union to be with just one other person. In fact the Bible says in proverbs, paraphrased: enter too often into your neighbor's house and you will be hated.

Don't think that your husband won't see the attraction. He will. (In fact, other adults that are around will see it too.) Males tend to get competitive around women and they will compete for your attention. It's likely he will see you paying more attention to this man, laughing at his jokes more than his, etc. It will put your husband in an unfair spot to be in, it could make him insecure and feel like he could loose you. That will cause his behavior to change: untrusting, jealous, scared, argumentative, or withdrawn and moody. That will just make you find this other man EVEN MORE attractive, as your husband's behavior will seem needy ,lacking confidence or disinterested (if he's the type that pulls away when hurt) . If he brings the problem to your attention it will irritate you. It will cause fighting , which will erode your good feeling of eachother. You WILL be tempted to be drawn to this man. Satan uses sexual desire and attraction on people more often that any other sin, (with the exception of money) because it is so hard to resist. Most marriages break up because of affairs with freinds. And the people who did it say it happened "before they could stop it". The pull to have an unmet need met is a deep selfish desire we ALL have.

You have two choices.

Tell your husband you're attracted to his freind, and he keeps his freind away from you completely.(IE: don't bring him around the house or your family, ever.)(if it's HIS freind you don't need to be involved in it, anyway. And if you have children to raise there is not a need for him to see him freind more than once or twice a month)

Two, tell your husband your attracted to his freind and he cuts off all ties with his freind.

The third choice is to continue on a path of communicating with this other guy and risking your entire life, and your children's future.

I reccomend some books for you. Maybe the library has them. If not maybe alibris.com at a used price:

For HIM to read:

"If only he knew, what no woman can resist" - gary smalley

For you to read:

Sacred influence, what a man needs from his wife to be the husband she wants" - Gary Thomas.

More books you can add:

"His Needs, her needs" - w. Harley( A book for couples to recconnect about basic needs)

"Love must be tough" - James dobson ( a book about winning back a spouse who has been drawn into an affair or is on the verge of a possible affair. Many personal letters and painful stories from people that have been through it)

Being a young mom with 4 little kids puts a strain on a marriage. Living with a man that you wash his underwear lets you see things that sometimes make you happy and sometimes not so much.

Under the stress of raising a family and having a marriage, the greener grass looks really good some days and if you don't create a barrier to it, there just may be a day when it is a little too close and a little too available.

Just don't go there. Be his friend when your husband is around and don't have phone conversations or hang with him if your husband isn't. Build a barrier and honor your marriage and the father of your children.

I never saw anything wrong with my best friend being friends with my husband till I lost him to her after 15 yrs!Tore my world apart and screwed up my son! not worth it

Even with the utmost of discipline and your personal ethics, you will have great difficulty with that relationship. It will truly be compromising to you and your family. It is not a matter if, but when! We are all human and can be suggestive at our weakest times.

Hi,

Don't even go there. You have a beautiful young family, treasure them and preserve everything you have created for them.

Don't be devouted to a life you don't have, your husband and children are your life.

It's possible to be casual friends. I used to think that even if people were married, you could be friends with members of the opposite sex. Now I know that it's a myth. You can only be friends if BOTH people have no attraction to each other--and even then, you still have to be careful because emotional connections can sometimes happen (you confide in something your hubby did/does that bothers you, for example, and then you start feeling closer to his friend or you start looking forward to seeing/talking to him).

I would be careful not to disclose any personal information to your hubby's friend (secrets, dreams, and esp. anything about your hubby that you wouldn't say/haven't said). I have seen many of my friends deal with affairs and have seen my own marriage struggle with "friends" who became too close to either me or my husband.

In my 20s, I felt very entitled to still be "myself" and not let my marital status interfere with whomever I wanted to befriend (esp. guys). I developed close relationships with other guys which made me emotionally distant from my husband. A clue that something is wrong: If you are excited to see someone else or talk to someone else (esp. if you don't get that feeling with your husband). You'll know the feeling. It's a schoolgirl "crush" kind of feeling. Admit it when it happens so you don't fool yourself into thinking that it's nothing.

Marriages are sacred and really need to be protected in a proactive way. In the same way you are vigilent with your kids and who they spend time with, so should spouses. My most important piced of advice: Be sure that you don't allow yourselves to be alone. It's much too easy to give in to your impulses, and you just have to decide if it's worth losing your husband/kids over an attraction to another man.

Also, find someone to talk to that you trust (a professional counselor would be best). We all have these impulses and feelings, and to hide or conceal them will only make them grow stronger. Deal with it immediately and you'll be thankful you did.

Good luck!

Hi S.-
It is possible, but the thing to do is keep a healthy boundary with this person, ESPECIALLY since you are both attracted to one another, and EVEN MORE SO because you are already committed to someone else.
However, my advice is to not be. Be polite. If your husband wants him to come over to hang out, then be the wife and mother. Be friendly, but leave space. I honestly believe that since you are unsure, you should probably steer clear as far as being "great friends" should go, just because of the mutual attraction.
I don't want to sound judgemental or hurt your feelings, but doing the right thing may mean being friendly, but not developing a friendship without your husband's presence. Your commitment is to him, to be best friends with him, to have his children, etc. I am sure it is difficult, being a young mommy, but for the safety of your marriage, please be very careful.
I hope this helps =)
-E. M

Dear S. J,

NO! Your questions was really short. Are you feeling tired, board, and unappreciated by your own husband? What's going on in your life that's making you feel attracted to your husband's best friend? What ever it is, if you want to stay married, start talking to your husband and working on "YOUR" marriage.

Blessings.....

If you have to ask.... Hm!

Get this book - borrow from the library if need be, but you'll want your own copy so just go ahead and buy "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" and really put all your effort into taking care of your husband and feeding your marriage, and see where it takes you. So worth nurturing your marriage! (assuming it is/was a decent one to begin with)

Please, dont play with fire. Dont ever ever ever be alone with him. Dont text or flirt or anything.

Dear S. J,
Turn off the thoughts, they will only hurt you, your husband, and 4 children that you set the example for. I've seen and heard of the best friend thing more times then you can imagine. Spend time thinking of how you can please your husband, children, and yourself. Don't make your children decide who they want to spend Christmas with. You've said little in your question. I suggest you and your husband spending time ALONE without the kids when you can, romance can continue in a marriage, it just might not be there all the time with 4 kids to chase after. Something as simple as a love note packed in his lunch can make a romantic evening. Tell the thoughts of the best friend NO DON'T GO THERE. Stand strong on the marriage and family you have. Pray against the unexceptable thoughts. N. married 32 years.

No, stay out of that situation at all cost. If you think it will be okay you are just flirting with disaster. You may think it is okay because you love your husband or whatever, but no. You put yourself into a situation that will be bad. So stay away from it. I have seen too many families ruined by this same type of thing.

i think you already know the difference between RIGHT and WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!

No. If you love your husband and value your marriage, I would not spend time alone with your husband's friend! I would limit time spent with him with your husband too.

Take it from someone who knows. "NO AND RUN THE OTHER WAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN." It will only bring you heart ache, and regret. Nothing good can come of it and I think you already know that. I have four girls too and I almost lost their father. Just walk away and leave that can of worms unopened.

Friendship is hard if you are attracted to one another. It's best to keep your distance until you are sure that you do not have feelings for this person. Temptation is hard to fight.

No. Stay away. You are asking for trouble!!

i agree with the others, keep a safe distance. i bet with time , you'll get to see he's not that attractive and has many flaws that most men have. ha ha. if this doesn't happen and you're still attracted to him, you might want to take a look at your marriage.

No way! Impossible! Years ago, I moved oin with my then fiance and his best friend whom I found attractive and he frlt the same way. My frind at work warned me about moving in with him and shared that she had done the same thing and it was a horrible experience. I didn't listen to her. Every time I was alone with him my fiance/ husband (we married a short time later) would be so paranoid and even accuse me of things. His friend treated me awesome when my husband wasn't around and I began falling more and more for him and sdtarted comparing him to my husband. At one point, before he and I were married, we even split up because of it. Luckily, we moved out soon after our first child was born; my hubby disowned his friend, we worked thru our problems with lots of help from the Lordn and we've been together ever since. Now, almost 10 yrs and 3 kids later I can say I am so so glad I didn't allow my feelings to get the best of me. It would have been the wrong decision and would have caused so much pain. Remember that adultery starts with the eyes, lusting after someone will only lead to a big mess. You obviously married your husband for a reason , focus on those things. It would probably bode well for evey one if you were around this friend as little as possible. Good luck

No one has that answer other than you, S.. What I can tell you, however, is you are playing with fire. Ask yourself this one question, "Is it worth it?". Think of what could happen if even the smallest of things happened, even an email, a sideways glance, anything. How much would that hurt -everyone-? My advice is to be honest with the best friend and let him know the 2 of you should not have contact (of any kind) for at least a month. Then only with your husband around. Once the fire has been tamed you should, absolutely, limit any alone time until the fire is completely extinguished. Attraction is never worth losing everything and -every-one. YOU have control and YOU have the answer. Just by asking the question to this group shows you have uncertainty...Good luck. It won't be easy. But, self-control will be worth it.

First ask yourself why are you wanting the friendship? Cause he is nice to look at, cause you get along really great, cause his wife is horrible, cause you and hubby have drifted? Then ask yourself if the roll was reversed, would you be okay with hubby being friends with another friend of yours that he has a mutual attraction with? Then ask yourself if you are okay discussing this with hubby? Can you say to him, I feel akward being friends with your friend cause I find him attractive, how do you feel about this? Then the last thing would be, when you are with the friend, do you go home and want sex with your husband, or do you go home and day dream about his friend? If none of these questions tell you this friendship is a bad idea...then maybe you have nothing to worry about. Deside for yourself and with your husband what is crossing the line and what is not. For each couple that can be different. I don't want my husband confinding in another woman cause I would feel jealous and untrusting. I would think why is he talking to her and not me? But my husband does not seem to care who I talk to...he trust me unconditionally.

i think if you need to ask other people that question, you already answered it for yourself. please please please spare your husband and your 4 kids the pain.

Don't even go there! Your relationship with your husband is your #1 priority. Denying yourself a friendship--and potentially an affair--is better than the heartbreak you, your children, your husband and even your husband's best friend will suffer.

Hi S.,

If you are already feeling some inappropriate feelings toward this guy - and it sounds as though you two may have shared with each other that you are attracted to each other - it is best to limit your contact as much as possible. Focus on your relationship with your husband - if you have issues within that relationship - resolve those, first - ie - if you decide to split up or whatever - before you start seeing anyone else - especially when kids are involved - you have got to take the respectful road - everytime - good luck.

JUST SAY NO TO TEMPTATION!

Talk to your husband.

Think about why you would even consider putting yourself into a precarious position.

Talk to a trusted girlfriend too. Strangers can offer their opionion but do not know you intimately.

Ok, so everyone is basically against it and I didn't read all the way down because there are too many but I read most of the responses and while they are mostly in agreement, none are really telling you HOW to do this. Often if you tell yourself not to think of someone, you'll think of him more. Like saying, "Don't think of the pink elephant" and what pops into your head first is a pink elephant... SO, my suggestion is that every time you smell a horrible, bad, putrid smell (like when you poop or puke), think of that man. Don't laugh! Ok laugh but it can really help fight the urge. Instead think of something else that can save your marriage. Think of how sexy your husband is. Put those two suggestions together and you have a powerful plan. Other man = puke with poop in it. Your husband = chocolate, caramel, vanilla. Do this with every sensory power you have in your body. Sight ... find an ugly, grotesque something about the other guy and look at it each time you see him, maybe he has foot fungus or imagine he does. Always let your eyes linger on your husband's 6-pack abs, firm rear, or intense eyes. Remember that other man's belch, it's sound and smell and be disgusted by it. Remember your husbands sweet, comforting voice as he whispers "I love you." You get the idea.

Also realize how disgusting it is that he would betray his best friend (if he'd betray a best friend, he'd betray a girlfriend or wife because often spouses are best friends too) and focus on the horrid aspects of his actions.

Some of my husband's friends were very flattering and charismatic but what I also noticed is that they were players ...they used women and that disgusted me so I let myself be disgusted by it. It's ok to think bad thoughts about men who are not your husband. Don't be nice all the time. It's OK to judge someone harshly who's acting inappropriately and hurting people. And soon I was disgusted when they'd try to play me.

One, his cousin, actually made a play for me and although I was attracted to him, I stopped him because I loved my husband more than that flattery I felt and I said as much to him and said, "I thought you loved my husband too. I'm very hurt and angry." I told my husband everything including my attraction to his cousin. This was before kids. He didn't get mad or anything. He just said, "I love you so much. I would be hurt but if you need to go find out if you love him more, then that door is open ... go. I want you to be happy even if it means I'm heart broken. But just know that if this bed is filled with another woman when you get back, you won't be able to come back." I knew in that instance my husband was the better man and 18 years later we're still together and still faithful. It's my choice to stay and find a way to work it out.

Because of something from my childhood, I have issues in this area (concerning love and self love) and occasionally am attracted to a male friend but I keep them at arms-length and because of my issues and because of my husband being a musician (let's face it, they look 10 times cuter when they're on stage), my husband and I have come up with 5 rules never to cross with another person. If one is crossed it means we have big problems we need to discuss and go to therapy about to regain the trust immediately ... before any others are crossed.

Shortly after setting them up, we each had a slight oops and then we did our plan and it worked to resolve the issues and we haven't had any oops since. You'll have to come up with your own but ours are things like: No cuddling all night with someone other than your spouse for any reason ... I don't care if she's crying all night, you don't stay over there, you come home ... if she's suicidal you call a therapist for her and come home or you check her into a hospital and come home or you call me and I'll stay over night with her with you.

Others are: No open mouthed kisses. No anything stuck into any orofice for any reason (other than GYN appointments or ear infections at doctors offices of course). No nudity (meaning no privates exposed not even for Mardi Gras). ... stuff like that. You get the picture. Any temptation of these things and we talk first before anything get's to that point.

And try the bad smells imprinting thing. Seriously! Marriage is a choice. Choose the right guy ... the guy you married is the right guy because you already chose him. (Unless he's abusive. Then run and seek therapy before starting any other relationships because you'll need healing first.)

By the way, my husband never confronted his cousin but they are now estranged because of another betrayal having to do with music. If a man would betray his best friend over one issue, he'll do it over another, and I love my husband ... how dare someone try that on him. It's despicable. Focus on all the ways that other man is showing you he is a creep, be polite if you must for your husband's sake, but notice the other guy's creepy, smelly side.

Not to mention all that hurt others have pointed out this man could inflict on your kids. Protect yourself, your husband, and your kids from him. Don't let him take advantage of you. You have a lot to lose. And yes, do give yourself love in other areas ... like with your husband ... so you are strong enough to resist another's false promises. Good luck!

NO... If you are attracted to each other it means you are looking elsewhere to fufill a need. Seek that need from your husband alone and don't talk to the best friend alone or without the presence of your husband. Stay away if possible, you don't want a broken marriage for a could be fling that will fade away.

L.

I wouldn't advise it & if your husband doesn't understand why you seem to "avoid" his friend (if he's ever around kind of thing), then I would be completely upfront with him. It's little things like this seemingly innocent reaction that can develop into emotional affairs & beyond. If you love your husband, desire to stay married, etc., then this where the real "work" is involved in keeping a marriage healthy.

It's natural to be attracted to people other than our spouses. BUT, that's where it needs to end - period. And if necessary, to work on becoming "unattracted" if it's to someone that we "have" to see on a regular basis (co-worker for example). Society will scream at you otherwise, that it's not only natural but permissive to pursue & respond to the desires & emotions - but it will never help your marriage, yourself, your kids, etc.

It's your decision & one that you're obviously conflicted about - which should be the first indicator to you that you instinctively know it's not a good thing to pursue. That's your conscience, a God-given morality guide - don't ignore it! Best wishes to you!!

Hi S., Be Very careful ! This could cause Great harm to your marriage ! Even if you're goofing around , he may mistake your friendship as something more . You may loose a husband, he may loose a best friend and what about your 4 young children ? Think about this, is it really worth it ? Best wishes, K.

Hi. If you're happy with your marriage you should stay away from this "friend".. if you're not then you should go about divorcing first then wonder if you have "feelings" for this guy! There's much more than just attraction that should compromise the marriage you are in and you don't want to hurt your kids! Good luck!

No. Buy the book The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands and read it.

It may be possible but it is not recommended. it/he will consume your thoughts and ruin your marriage. You should not do things with him alone under any circumstances. You have four children and a husband and the friend won't be there when your marriage ends.

I don't think it is possible or a wise decision. Although you can't ignore the guy-you need to try to avoid spending a lot of time with him. I have had many guy friends I was attracted to before I was married and I either dated them or my current husband was my best friend before we got married.

Not a chance.

Beleive me I've seen this before and it NEVER ends up good when you try to be "just friends" with a man you are attracted to, especially your husband's best friend. The way you asked the question pretty much indicates that you plan on being "friends" and you want someone out here to justify it for you. Unless you are ready to throw away the life you now know, the love & trust of your husband and children, you need to control your self.

The fact that you are young is why you think there may be a way to have this work. The fact the you are a wife and mother should be reason enough for you to put an end to this.

I'm not judging you. Beleive me I've seen this before it is an UGLY thing.

Be strong. Good luck.

Dear S.,
It looks like you've received lots of responses already.
I suppose it's possible, but it depends on what your definition of "friends" is and what your definition of "attracted to each other" is. If you are married and find yourself having feelings for another man, it could just be a crush or a passing fancy, but it's also a dangerous line you should not cross.
Someone in my family (by marriage) became attracted to one of her husband's friends. The husband caught the wife and his friend cheating. It destroyed the marriage and they had 5 little kids. The wife and the friend ended up getting married and are still together 35 years later. The husband remarried and is still with his second wife, but it has made things very difficult for the kids, who are now adults, even all these years later. Holidays, when new grandchildren are born, family things like that are very uncomfortable for everyone because that hurt and resentment is still there. The kids love their mother, but it's no secret what caused the divorce and the children are very protective of their father. If someone has to be left out of a family function to keep the peace, the mother is the one that gets left out. ALL 5 of the kids feel that's the best way to handle it. That might sound cruel, but she has never acknowledged how her actions affected her children, either then or now.
I know that being married and having kids isn't easy. It's even harder when you have a very abusive husband, so if you have a good man, you better hang on to him.
Think carefully about the price of temptation. If not for yourself, for your children.
I think you should pull back from any friendship with this person. And at least for now, I personally don't think you should say anything to your husband. He might appreciate your honesty, but he also might be devastated.
Imagine your husband sitting you down to talk to you and telling you that he and your best friend "are attracted to each other".
Would you say, "Oh, okay. Thanks for letting me know." (?)
I don't think so.

My advice would be, PLEASE be careful!!! If you already know that you are attracted to your husband's best friend then please be strong and avoid all contact with him. You have a husband and four young children that can be extremely hurt and devastated if a physical or emotional affair results from you both "being attracted to each other". It's not safe. It would be selfish and wrong for you as a mother and a wife to put yourself in a position where this can happen. You may be attracted to each other, but it would be very irresponsible and immorall for you to act on it. So, the best thing to do, is avoid him at all costs. If he comes over to hang out with your husband, then just go shopping with the kids or go to the park. Don't trust yourself to "be strong" and "you can handle it". Anything can happen..One little look, batting of your eyelashes, flirty laugh can be an invitation for him to pursue you.. After that, it's too late. So, my advice would be is to put your husband and your kids as top priority in your life and stay the heck away from your husband's best friend!!!! The reason that I am soo strong with this advice is because I am living the results of a marraige that was broken by divorce due to this. My husband's father had an affair with his wife's best friend. They had four young kids too.. my husband was the eldest at 13 years old.. the youngest was 4 years old. Anyway, the affair started like an innocent "I am attracted to her best friend" thing and ended up in a ripping apart of a family. This, in turn has hurt the children so badly and was trauma in their childhood. Also, this divorce has also affected GRANDCHILDREN because the mother (friend) and mother in law (best friend) cannot be in the same room as each other. THus, family get togethers are not fun because THE CHILDREN AND GRANDCHILDREN have to walk on egg shells and try to please both parties!! it's awful!!.. and POSSIBLE FOR THIS TO HAPPEN TO YOUR FAMILY. Please think, put your husband and children first AND don't walk through a door that you won't be able to close. You are now responsible for the life and well being of 6 people-- you, your husband and your children.--- protect them, yourself and prevent heartache and despair in your life... it's not worth it!!! Thx for letting me share with you.. i am sorry if it is harsh advice.. but I am living and seeing the consequences of the mistakes of two people and it continues to be difficult 21 years after something dreadful resulted from "I am attracted to my wife's best friend..."

No, Someone is going to get burned. Don't be rude to him or your husband will wonder what is going on, but don't cultivate this friendship. He's your husband's friend. Stick to friendships with women or doing things with couples or families. I would also recommend that you never find yourself alone with him either--temptations can be strong.

i suppose it's "possible" to remain "friends" altho if there's attraction already present, it's already crossed the line....it is NOT possible for this to cont. WITHOUT it undermining your marriage.......u r as a moth attracted to fire.....your entire marriage is burning already and at risk. for the sake of your husband and children, NEVER be around this "friend" alone EVER.

Hi! That sounds like a red flag right there - you are admitting that you are attracted to each other. Sounds like a big "no" to me.

Given that you are a young mother with four children already you probably feel overwhelmed. See if you can’t get some help from friends, family, mom’s group, etc., so that you can have a chance to take a shower and read a book undisturbed once in a while.

There is a strong possibility that you see in the friend the freedom from responsibility that you once had. That is a powerful attraction just by itself. He is probably the kind of guy you were attracted to before you got married because guys like to hang around with guys who are like themselves. You married your husband, and it follows that his friends are like him.

He is probably more flirty than your hubby is right now too, because hubby is responsible for six people and likely to be pretty tired at the end of the day. It seems obvious that the friend is totally self-centered (unlike hubby) because he is doing what HE wants by revealing his attraction to you when it could hurt your family so much. Keep in mind that he may also be flirting with you because you are "safe" as well - just to keep up on his cruising skills.

A final thing to think about is this: Are you really interested in the type of putz that would risk ruining his best friends' marriage? Do you think that he would honor any marriage vows HE made if he won't honor the marriage vows of his BEST friend?

You are not dead so you can admire, but you ARE married. If you want to stay that way then stay away from this so-called “best” friend of your husband.

If you value your marriage, I would so NOT touch this. Maybe it's possible, but do you really want to take that chance?

This friendship can work if you consistently view him as a brother. The dynamic of a brother-sister relationship should effectively keep your thoughts and interactions in proper perspective. My prayers are with you.

No. Please don't go there. Find in your husband his best qualities and focus on them.

I would say keep away from him. Out of sight out of mind. It's not good for your marriage if you keep seeing him.
Don't start anything that will only lead to regrets.
Just hang in there and let it pass.

Yes. But it is very difficult to keep it from turning into something else. Make sure you try to think of him like a brother.

Lots of advice so far and I haven't read it, but I would say, basically, no it is not possible. Since he's the best friend, you two are going to be exposed to each other, so you have to be friendly, just don't over-involve yourself. You don't want to start liking each other too much.

Some attraction to other males is normal, we just need to keep a lid on it.

My initial reaction is no. If there was no attraction then maybe, however if there is a mutual attraction, that makes it much more challenging, and I would wonder if you are happy with the relationship you have with your husband?

It is possible but will take alot of trust and communication with you and both men. As long as you and the friend know and both agree that the relationship will not go past being just friends and your husband is aware of where you both stand and isn't jealous of it then, yes. I have been in a similar situation in the past when my husband and I were only dating. Everyone was ok with it because we all trusted each other. We would still be close friends today if we didn't live half a country away.

NOPE! Nip it in the bud now. My husband and I agreed before getting married that we would not have good friends of the opposite sex. The ones you spend alone time with or tell your problems too. We had both had these type of friends before we met each other and someone always gets hurt. So we made that promise to each other, he broke that promise, and we are now divorced. Don't go there!

Hey S. J -

Every fiber in my being wants to scream NO, NO, NO!!!!! I realize it's a somewhat irrational answer, but hormones are irrational.

If you are even asking the question here, it means that you have doubts you can do this. If you have doubts, it means you believe that there is a risk that you will act on your attraction. If there is a risk, then there may be an opportunity, and if there is an opportunity...you're sunk.

Now, in general of course you can be friends with someone you are sexually attracted to -- otherwise, we'd all be behind locked doors! But, I would posit that if you are in the position where you need to ask for advice on this situation, you're already red-lining.

My advice is: 1) try to stay away from him when you are alone, and 2) work on your marriage. Having four kids can definitely take the spark out of your sex life -- so you need to consciously work on it -- marriage (ANY relationship) take a lot of work, creativity, and kindness. Put the spark back in your marriage, and the friend will just be a friend...you'll have enough fun in behind your bedroom door to keep you happy!

Good luck,

J.