Seeking Advice on Communicating W/spouse Opposed to Homeschool

Hi A.-
Kudos to you for investigating like you have. One word of advise- Go with your gut and something tells me that you arent totally sold on this idea either. My son read at the age of 4- I chose a great school system that accomodated him in a gifted and talented program. You can use your teaching skills to be an advocate for him THROUGH the school. Be involved PTA-etc. You can also prompt the learning at home and through field trips when hes NOT in school- thats exactly what I did and it was on our time and not mandatory. They absorb so much and it doesnt have to be a "learning experience" to learn. Enjoy being a mom and leave the rest to the teachers. I infused learning with our trips and found places that people never heard of. There is so much out there- from cooking at home to a trip to the aquarium to a picnic at the park. Volunteering is also a great teaching tool. Enjoy all that and the "can't wait til they get home from school" experience. School is great for the exchange between children and ideas. Plus sportwise- ALL HOMESCHOOLED kids are placed into public school at 9th grade for scholarship purposes and I totally feel that this is wrong for the children who were there the whole time and the kids that are placed in the public school after being homeschooled for 9 years. Parents do it for the team or scholarship benefits and the kids that have stayed inthe system can then have it ripped out b/c a homeschool kid came in to reap the benefits. I feel that if public school isnt good enough for K-8 then it shouldnt be used for scholarships and teams either. Collegs want that well rounded student and being home schooled just doesnt ahve all those benefits. I am rom NJ and know that a lot of people do it here for religious reasons. But there is Sunday for religion and each moment that you install christian morals is great for that.

Give the reg system a try and see how it all goes- Have your child tested and let the teacher know your expectations and you can bump it up at home with extra learning activities as well. Plus- you WILL take time away from the year and half son- and it can be spent just the two of you while big bro is at school. You dont get those moments back.
Time goes by too quickly - my son is 17 and gt 13 and I am glad I got to be the mom. Trust me we are teachers, nurces, principals and coaches all the time as well! ha Think of it- who wants the same teacher for 12 years? Same way for dads that are coaches-its fine for a year or two - after that- exposure is the key- it takes a village.......

D.
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I do not know that much about homeschooling, but I used to work with a guy that has 7 children and they are all home schooled. He swears upon it!

His kids still do extra curricular activities like football, basketball, etc. that way they get the social interaction and they also home school with other kids in the area I think once a week. So one mom will teach a day of math and then the next day the other mom will. I don't know all of the details but this would definitely help overcome one of his objections.

Good luck

" my husband is reacting on a very emotional level and I'm struggling to be a supportive wife, while recognizing the validity of my experiences, qualifications and research."

A.,
That is a hard statement to swallow, it comes across very condensending. I am sure that you didn't mean it that way but perhaps it is an insight to how you are reacting to your husbands objections and why he is digging in and not more open. You might need to try a different approach. He sounds as if he is very concerned,thoughtful and interested in what's in the best interest of the whole family. I would suggest you both write down your positives and negitives on the topic and then compare and discuss them. As I see it you have one year to come up with a plan that all can live with. Your son sounds wonderful and I am sure will flurish in all he does but he is still very young at heart. Having been there with a son that "just" made the age break that year makes a huge difference in the emotional maturity especially in boys. My son turned 5 3 days after school started. It was horrible to say the least, we had a wonderful very expericenced teacher that tried every trick in the book but he simply wasn't ready and after consuling with her and the prinicipal it was decided that we weren't doing him any favors by keeping him in. So we took him out before they did the offical roles and started again the next year it was better he got the same teacher so he would have a familar face to go to and we made it thru the year. He wasn't every really happy at school unlike our daughter who loved it. In third grade we decided to homeschool he loved it she hated it and went back to public school the next yearand gratuated in '04. He will be a junior this year(still homeschooling), has friends, a life and likes things the way they are. It worked for him, have I had concerns,doubts,fears oh yeah. This is one of the most important decisions you will make for your children and shouldn't be taken lightly or be done without the full support of both parents. I have always believed that something that is causing this much conflict in a family needs some serious relooking at. There is no greater education you can give your children than TWO parents TOGETHER that love each other,respect each other, work together, play together, parent together. Everything has positives and negitives. It is extremely difficult as all here know just to be a "good" parent,much less be the teacher,principal.lunch lady ;) and everything else that goes with it. Doing it at home and doing it as a career can be two very different worlds. Your children are young, ENJOY them they grow so quickly. Teach them yes, provide them the best that you can yes, but let them play and be kids for as long as you can.

I hope you all find your way to a happy ending. Good luck!

I think that in order for homeschooling to work - both parents must not only be on board, but they both must be excited about it. If your husband is that against homeschooling, then I would back off and respect his opinion. It sounds like he is a great husband from your description. I do believe that in the end, sometimes you have to weigh whether you want to continue this conflict or if you want to try to come to a compromise. I have always been a firm believer in picking my battle swith my husband - he rarely tells me no when it comes to childrearing issues, so when he does, I really try to respect it. I wish you much luck and I am sure that you will come to decision that you can both be really happy with!

Ok here is my two cents from a homeschooling mom of 3 boys. ME!
When we first started homeschooling my husband was not thrilled with the idea. I wanted to and he didn't. For basically the same reasons. So this was our compromise.
Kindergarten is not mandatory in Texas. You are not required to start formal education until they are six as of September first of the current school year. (look up texas law using a search of compulsory school age) Then it would be first grade. So, I told my husband that if we schooled for pre-school and kindergarten and it didn't work, we became overwhelmed, or we didn't like it...we really hadn't lost anything, since kindergarten wasn't mandatory. We could still enter public school without any problems. We would certainly be schooling at home for pre-k and kindergarten, so they wouldn't be to far behind theoretically if we then entered them in first grade. And that we would reassess every year until first grade. I continued to find cirriculum, projects, read books. Then we started. Well, my oldest and middle are entering 7th grade in the fall and my youngest is going into 3rd. We really do re-assess every year to see if we are reaching our goals and what best fits the needs of our family and the kids. Some years we have schooled like nobody's business, some years a more relaxed loose approach. We are now using distance learning that keeps a transcript for us. Since they are getting older. But only for the older two.
It also sounds like your husband will need to see some homeschool families in action. Maybe going to a meeting will help, so he can have his questions answered. Most groups are very open to answering peoples questions and fostering a sense of belonging.
It sounds to me really and truly that he feels that he won't be a priority if you take on more things to do. And that can happen when a mom is never away from their children. And it is difficult to get things done with all the books and things around the house. And it is difficult to find time to be with my hubby without kids underfoot. But we manage, and we make our marriage a priority. It sounds like your husband really needs some reassurance that he is still number one and that he is not losing out to the kids for your time and attention that is probably already heavily invested in the kids. I think that if you will cultivate a better marriage and start with just pre-school and kindergarten and he can see how happy you and the kids are. And then how happy you can make him, because he has been so kind and generous to consider homeschooling you will have convinced him. That is how if has worked for us. I wanted to and my hubby had a lot of reservations. But when he saw how great we did, and how much fun we have and how relaxed and loved his kids are he knew it was the right thing to do, not because of what I wanted or he lost, but because the kids were the ones reaping the rewards. And inadvertantly him. Because I am more relaxed at home and can cook, and do special things for him.
I think that your hubby also has a genuine concern you may be taking on to much. Are you the type that can say no to other people? Are do you take on to many things in the name of the kids or church or other organizations, but don't meet your obligations at home? Like a tidy house, meals cooked and your hubby well loved--wink,wink--. When he sees the rewards he will reap from a happy wife how can he say NO.
I think that if you can get him to compromise and agree to at least do the early years PK/K and keep telling him how happy he has made you by considering your happiness, the need for you to be at home with them, the high standards he and you have place on education, and there when he comes home etc.then he will slowly change his mind.
I hope all this helps. A good website is www.thsc.org
it is the watchdog group for Texas as far as laws and legislation. A ton of questions can be answered there. They also have a list of most support groups in the state that you can contact for meetings, activities, field trips, support, guidance, etc.
I would let is simmer a little and stop wheedling him and just start tutoring now. We started with the books "What your first grader (or whatever grade) Needs To Know" by E.D. Hirsch,Jr. It is a series of books. They are very good at keeping you on track with what most grade levels are teaching. You can use it as a cirriculum guids and supplement as subjects come up, like books from the library, sports, field trips, outings etc. Like if you are studying plants you may go to the botanical gardens or start collecting leaves. ETC. You just have to be creative. You can also logon to the abeka sight and get a scope and sequence guide and use that to create your own cirriculum, for little or no money. THe younger they are the easier that one is to do.
I hope all this helps, as I have been there done that, so to speak. You are also welcome to email me direct if you have anymore questions. Don't shove it down his throat, sometimes a gentler yet more stealthy plan is effective, especially since he may be led to make just the decision you wanted him to when properly nudged!!!
Good luck,let me know how it turns out.
L.
P.S. We live in Stephenville but come to DFW sometimes. We would be willing to meet with you and your hubby to answer questions honestly if you would like. My hubby works nights, but me and my 3 sons would be happy to join you for a picnic at the park. We love the one in Benbrook on Hwy 377.

I'm with Alexis on this one. I really wanted to do private school for my three when I saw the test data of the school district we were in. DH and I were fighting horribly and constantly about it. It didn't matter what data I presented; it couldn't persuade him from public school. We finally come to compromise and moved, so that we were in a better public school district. I think they are truly times when you have to compromise or you become so at odds that you jeopardize your entire marriage. So many arguments become emotional for one person and no matter what you say it still won't change their mind (this is why my sis and I NEVER discuss politics.. LOL)
What about trying to find a compromise with a private school that you are comfortable with (not necessarily thrilled about)or finding a program geared for homeschoolers, but that has classes and activities? I have a friend that takes her son to class 3 days a week with other homeschoolers for a more "formal" education setting.

It sounds as if he is afraid of losing YOU, that you will become the teacher and lose your other roles. That may be something you can never overcome no matter how much information you give him. This is not necessarily bad, it shows he cares about you and your relationship with him.

Good Luck.

I don't know where u live but u should check out Campbell Christian. I have my 5 year old there. They have him in first grade. If u want more info send me a personal message and I will tell u all about it. You can google the school and find out about it. They are located in Dallas at the Plano boarder.

If you're husband is opposed to homeschooling, then do not do it. That is his child as well.

Just spend this extra year preparing your child for school and he'll be that much smarter the next year.

I homeschooled my daughter for kindergarten. I LOVED homeschooling and my daughter, despite what anti-homeschoolers think, did actually get to "socialize." I know you've done your research about this issue, so I won't waste your time going on about what a huge issue the socialization aspect is. *rolling my eyes*

My husband was a bit unsure about homeschooling at first; he thought our daughter would benefit from a more structured environment. I followed my mommy instincts...obstinant on my part? Sure...my heart tells me what's best for my children and as their mother, it's my job to do that, right?

So my husband and I came to the agreement that we would take it year by year. We'd go ahead and homeschool through the kindergarten year and see what happened. At the end of that year, our daughter was reading and doing math & science a year ahead of her "grade level" and was not an under-socialized misfit. On the contrary, she's quite able to handle herself well in all types of social situations; my child, homeschooled freak that she is, is never the child running wild at the bookstore, having a fit at the grocery store, whining while waiting on line at the post office. She's a good kid.

I didn't lose out on being a person in my own right. As a stay at home mom, I feel that it's my most important role to raise my children. That is the person I am right now. Homeschooling added to who I was, even. Infact, I socialized more during our homeschooling year than I had during any other time since I've stayed home with our children. And I still had time for keeping the house, doing the shopping, reading my own books, being a wife, attending my brother's hockey games...everything I did before.

And my husband's attitude after the year of homeschooling? He thinks it's fantastic. He's my biggest supporter and believer.

I caved to family pressure and enrolled our daughter in public school for first grade; my husband reminded me often that if I felt like we needed to go back to homeschooling, he'd stand behind that decision and defend us to my very vocal and very homeschool-opposed family.

Madison enjoyed her year at school and we decided to take the same attitude toward that as we did toward homeschooling...we'd take it year by year.

I think, since your son is still quite young you've got plenty of time to show your husband how awesome and positive an experience homeschooling can be. Join a couple of local support groups to make friends and go on outings; do some school work with him. Get your family excited about it. And most importantly...DO NOT PAY ATTENTION TO THE NAYSAYERS! There are so many people who think homeschooling is a horrible, archaic choice. We know, since we've done our research, that it's far from either of those adjectives. :)

I wish you the best.

I am sure you know there are amny oppurtunities for homeschooled children to attend regualr weekly classes that can help them develope social skils. However I do understand your husbands concern. I do see them not relating quite as well with other kids in our group of kids. The biggest problem I have seen is that many homeschooled kids are very coddled and having a 9 year olds kids being babied by thier parents is no help to the,, and that is more of a problem for them socially then not attending public school.

And would draw a reasonable plan for a fews ahead, with time scheduled for you to also pursue a life out side of the home. It is very nice that he is not only thinking of himself and the kids but you as well. But homeschooling is totally do able. I would just make sure you are doing it for the right reasons, and then your kids should have no trouble with growing academically and socially.

Also remind him that public school does not gauruntee a well balanced child, that is still up to you. Good luck.

This seems to be the subject of controversy in alot of homes when our kids get ready to enter kinder. I know that my husband and I have had some very heated discussions over the very same thing. A couple of things I would advise. First, get your son formally evaluated by a school. I know that you have an extensive background in education however, when it's your own child it's hard to be objective. Let someone else evaluate his level in school. Second, I personally think it's very important for kids to go to school. Not only for social interaction with their peers but also to learn how to follow someone else's rules. That being said, you could enroll him in pre-k for another year. There is also a school (can't remember where) that does part time home school and part time in school. This might also be an ideal set up for you. I think that you might have a better chance getting your son into kinder at a private school as they can be more flexible with the age cut offs etc.. Third, I was very set on my daughter going to private school. I wanted to apply for scholarships etc.. mainly b/c of the elementary school that she'd be going to. But I often have to remind myself of the big picture. It's only kindergarten. We don't have the money to go to private school and homeschooling would not be ideal for my daughter. She needs to become independent from me.My advice to you is let it be for a little while. I think both of you need to take a step back, cool off and then come together. Take a team approach to this issue and tackle it togther. Ask your husband what he thinks. I think that men often don't voice their opinion b/c they want us to be happy. He is opposed to home school but why?? I wish you the best of luck!!

I am also a former school teacher and I am the mom to three boys: 12, 9, and 4. My children have never attended public school, so homeschool is all they know.

I think there is an adjustment period for the whole family.

My kids are active in sports and church. Quite frankly, that keeps us plenty busy and active.

The key to happy homeschooling in my opinon is a mom who is resourceful and enjoys learning herself. Always be reading three books at a time to keep you sharp:)

I commit to one year at a time: my oldest will be a 7th grader this fall. We are still going strong and the boys are thriving in our homeschool.

We have been homeschooling for a few years and we love it. When I first broached the issue my husband didn't even want to discuss it. His exact words were, "I'll pay anything you want for private school, but don't even talk to me about homeschooling." Slowly, and I mean sloooooowly, he's come around. I prayed about it and didn't bring it up too much and little by little the Lord brought people in our path to help me out. One day a co-worker gave my husband some tapes about homeschooling. We listened, and after that he was willing to TRY it. It also helped to attend a homeschool book fair where he could see other "normal" families, LOL! There is one coming up at the Plano Centre next month.

You still have another year until your son is eligible for K, so just ask your husband to let you teach him this year. Don't label yourself as a homeschooler, just go about doing whatever you've been doing (it's obviously working!) Get a few teaching materials to use with him, go on field trips find fun activities to get involved in, etc.

North Texas is a great area to homeschool. There are so many activities that I seriously have trouble not getting overly involved. Your family can have a very rich and full life while homeschooling. Especially since your son won't have to waste all those hours in school. If he is reading at a 3rd grade level, Kindergarten doesn't have much to offer him.

Your signature says your family enjoys sports. Has your husband heard of Tim Tebow? He is a college football player who won the Heismann trophy last year. He was homeschooled all the way through high school. My husband LOVES hearing stories like that.

Here are some other things that helped when I was in your position:
http://www.successful-homeschooling.com/anti-homeschoolin...

A.,

This is a subject that we parents can't really be very objective about, I think. I would say it appears that you have become very set on homeschooling and are just as... hmm...obstinate...about doing it as he is about not doing it! One thing to realize is, it may be "apparent" to you that homeschooling has become the most positive choice, but that doesn't mean it really is. One thing all of us Dallasites struggle with is accepting life on a less than perfect basis, I think. (meaning, we want what we want, when we want it - and it's hard to accept anything less!)

Since your boys are so young, it doesn't need to become a big issue right now. Enroll your child or children in a preschool/Mother's Day Out program for 2 days per week (that satisfies your husband's concerns about socialization for them and time for yourself); and then homeschool them during the other days. Both of you get some needs met, your boys benefit from both situations, and you both get further input to make a future decision, when it really becomes necessary (upon reaching 1st grade).

Having said that, I will tell you I went through something similar as my oldest daughter got closer to kindergarten age. We had already moved into a really good school district, but I knew in my heart that I really wanted her in a private Christian school (one that has a close basis to homeschooling). It was really too late to upset the applecart with my husband and bring it up, so I just prayed about it and worked through it during the kindergarten year. When I tentatively broached the subject of this private school last year, my husband was open but wary. I prayed that he would hear something or meet someone at an Open House meeting that he could respect and appreciate, and - he ran into two men whom he knows and respects very well! One was considering the school for one of his kids; the other had had his kids enrolled there all their school life. These men had a more objective credibility that my husband needed. We enrolled our daughter into the school and will begin this year. I'm very excited, and very grateful that it worked out this way...but I was also very careful to not make it "my" agenda and to be open to the possibility that this wouldn't happen. I really became aware during all of this how easy it is to lose the real purpose of a disagreement and focus instead on winning the argument! :)

Try to expose your husband to homeschooling families, fairs, etc...keep your own mind truly open and humble...and realize that, even if you try public school first, it doesn't mean you'll stay there. Life changes and so do our minds! Best wishes in this uncomfortable state of limbo. One last word: as a former teacher and school counselor, I can tell you that it is not always a good thing for kids to want to socialize with kids who are older than him. It is a very important stage of development to become comfortable with a peer group, regardless of intellectual differences, etc. Some kids who get along well with grown-ups or older children really have struggles later in life, especially making the transition to college. I'm saying that just to encourage you not to discredit your husband's desire for your child to have good social interactions with kids his own age. It is an important priority, and social skills develop over time and in a variety of circumstances. At this young age, it is good to encourage our children to play and interact with their age groups. Again, best wishes, and I hope I haven't been too harsh or discouraging.