Seeking Advice on 7 Year Old Daughter's Negative Attitude

My daughter (and we, her parents) benefited tremendously from Play Therapy. She has always been riddled with anxiety and negative attitude. We tried all kinds of stuff to get her to exude a more Pollyanna-ish outlook, but nothing worked. Play-Therapy let her set her own goals, to look at how she responds to things as well as others, and how she would like to respond.
Just a thought. It helped us out more than anything else.

Have considered getting her a Gratitude Journal? Let her pick out a special journal and then every night before she goes to bed she has to write down things she is thankful for... big things and little things. My 8 year old son loves his - and once I got him started, he now does it on his own sometimes.

Its an easy way to help kids see the glass half full.

Good luck!

J.,

I bought the book "The Optimistic Child: Proven Program to Safeguard Children from Depression & Build Lifelong Resilience" by Martin Seligman on a recommendation, and I think it would be a good thing for you to read. I haven't finished yet, but the premise is that pessimism increases the chance for depression, and it gives some advice for helping your child become more optimistic.

I hope it helps!
S.

Hey!

I have to tell you, I probably used to be your daughter. I still find this kind of attitude sneaking into my head sometimes, but I try to beat it down. What worked wonders for me was having my own thing that allowed me to have some successes. Most of what caused that attitude then, and now occasionally, was fear of failure. At about her age I started to ride horses (something neither of my older siblings did) and it really helped my self-confidence and general life approach. I don't know that riding would be right for her, but something that she could do slowly, at her own pace, not worried about making a fool of herself (private lessons were key for me for a while until I got some confidence). Sometimes kids get a little lost and scared in all these big group things we try to get them to do (group sports, group dance, group everything), that what they really need is that one on one attention in something they are interested in. I would find things that really spark for her and help her focus individually on those things.

I hope this helps!

D.

My daughter went though something like this. Started late at age 6 and it's gotten better over time and she will be 8 in a bit over a month. When she would get frustrated over not being able to do something, I'd have her walk a way for a very short break. I'd ask her why she couldn't do it and her answer would be that it's too hard most of the time. My daughter's problem is that she doesn't approach something with much common sense and she either looks at something too big or too small. Can't find that happy middle. School this year was more of a battle than the year before and I almost debated on holding her back for the simple fact she is going to be a young 3rd grader next year and I worry that she will get worse. Especially since she spends 6-7 weeks with her father every summer and he doesn't do anything with her to keep her mind in working order with math or what not. And I also only get a few weeks to get her attitude back on track because she is a very spoiled brat when she is with him.

Just keep encourging her. Help her find different ways to solve a problem till she finds the way that works best for her. And hopefully as she gets closer to 8yrs old, she will start to out grow it too!!

Good luck!
S.

Try encouraging a GRATITUDE ATTITUDE. Have her name/print/draw pictures of three things she's thankful/grateful/happy for. Get an inexpensive journal or notebook and decorate the cover together. Each morning she should make three entries. For awhile it may be the same things over and over. If something happens during the day that you think should go on her list, mention writing it down.

Start with the basics - she has a bed to sleep in, food, toys, etc. You and your husband might want to keep your own GA journals. Fun to look at and review over the years.

I did this with some teens I supervised in a front desk situation. Dealing with the general public presented many opportunities to develop a negative attitude. Everyone took time to write in their GA book after clocking in. If I noticed negativity creeping in I would simply say "GA, don't forget GA". It was our secret code that was a gentle reminder (no lecture required!!) At first they thought I was crazy and the whole idea stupid. Eventually everyone came around and you could truely tell a difference.

Good luck.
Dawn

I agree with a lot of the answers other mothers have given you, J.. But I would also like to present two small tidbits that my mother used when I was small. I remember being 5 or 6, and when I would get upset, my mother would tell me to go wash my face. This was my cue to take my time, literally wash my face, and thus figuratively wash the negative/argumentative attitude away. I honestly can't tell you how I have learned to do it, but I am able now, on my own, in the middle of a heated debate, to stop, take a deep breath, and change my attitude. Perhaps you could institute something similar with your daughter. The key there is to not rush her "facewashing". The point is to give her something physical to do that takes her mind off the negative situation, and at first, that may take up to 10 or 15 minutes (try to get her to use cold water.) :D :D

Something else that my mother realized as I got older was the music I was listening to. I have no idea what, if anything, your daughter listens to on the radio, but I was raised on 50s oldies, and what was popular in the 80s, but then I became a preteen in the mid-90s and began to listen to the more popular, somewhat angrier, music. I think it took my mother a while to realize it, but when she did, she literally told me I could only listen to oldies, the happy 50s stuff again. And while I didn't WANT to admit it, at 8 or 9 years old, I really DID feel a difference after a week or two. Just another little detail to notice in your daughter's life. :D

I wish you the BEST of luck (from a VERY happy person now!)
K.

Sometimes the biggest wake-up call that we have it good is to see those who don't. Perhaps doing some volunteering at a shelter or soup kitchen or children's hospital. To see others suffering and still managing kindness and smiles is perhaps the inspiration she needs.

Sounds like she may be lacking confidence.
Try getting her into dance or sports. Take a look at what might
be of interest to her and look for a summer camp so she can try it out. Don't let her get discouraged if she is not good at something right away or doesn't like something she has tried.
My son tried every sport and didn't find out what he truly liked and enjoyed till he was 14. My daughter is very girly girl so gymnastics was not great for her but loves dance and the recitals really boost the confidence level. The confidence they get from achieving something spills over into other aspects of their lives.
Sometimes doing poorly in school, or not being as popular as they would like to be in school gives them negative feelings about themselves. Yes, the peer pressure starts young sadly.
My daughter was very poor in math in the younger grades, the school wasn't helpful at all. In fact they made matters worse.
She really needed the one on one attention that homeschooling provided. This is not an option for everyone but you may want to look into it. There are several classes in the area and homeschool groups to participate in. This has helped because it gets them away from the negative peer pressure and they don't feel singled out and dumb when called on in class.
If homeschooling is not an option and grades don't seem to be the cause take a look at the friends she is hanging out with.
Before trying a new sport/dance really take a good look at the program & its instructors. Are they a positive influence? Are they good role models? How do they handle corrections? (Do they yell or do they correct with kindness and encouragement?)
If her depression seems extreme, you may want to talk to your doctor. It might be something as simple as a reaction to a food allergy. Food dyes have strange effects on some children.

HI J.~

I've been dealing with this same thing with my oldest since birth. My other 2 children are blissfully happy all the time but it seems that our oldest is dreadfully unhappy most of the time. It's his personality and like you we've tried it all it seems with no improvement excpet for one thing we've done, subliminal reprograming. We've done it on our own but would love to have our oldest work with a professional. It has helped but I feel if we could have a professional do it that it would be even more profound. Anyway, it may seem kind of extreem but when you deal with an unhappy child who's mood effect EVERY family members daily life, believe me it calls for extreem. You can check out a book by Marshal Sylver called "Passion, Profit and Power". It's a book I would recommend to everyone no matter where they are in their lives. It's a life changing book. Your dd is too young to read it herself but you can read it and help her apply the ideas.

I also like the GA book idea. That's a sweet way to incourage happy thoughts and it would easily work with the concepts of this book. PLEASE give it a try, you don't realize the power of the mind until you see it work for yourself. I applied the concepst of this book MANY years ago and can truthfully say that I have EXACTLY what I set in my mind to have out of life.

HTH,
C.
Kustom Kids Boutique

Depression, J.? I don't think ir's too picky about the age when it starts. You might want to hit the books/Internet and find out everthing you can about depression in children, or at least don't overlook the possibilities. Any chance she is in pain and dosen't know how to express it?

I am no expert on this matter, but perhaps your daughter should be checked by a doctor for chemical imbalances.