Seeking Advice from Moms' Who Are Divorced

Oh my, you poor thing, you have been through so much and so has your daughter. I know you don't want pitty but I just want to sympathize with you. There are people that care, even people who don't know you. That's the great thing about mamasource; we are moms, we are people and we care. I am not divorced but I am child of divorce and I am a mother. I feel for you. I feel for your child.

Your child is the most important, period. What ever you need to do to get your lives healthy for her is what needs to be done.

Your ex doesn't sound like a positive influence on your child, I am so sorry to hear that because I know you legally have to let him take her. Can you do anything to change that? Go back to court and have your therapist and her therapist as witnesses. I think a two parent upbringing is best but not when a parent is destructive to the childs well being. Maybe your daughter should not see her dad until he takes parenting classes and/or get his situation under control? Until then can you try talking to him? Letting him know your daughters state and that it's affecting her schooling; is there any lines of communication between you and him. Even if it takes everything in you to try and get along with him its for the best interest of your child.

You are very stressed. That too may be adding to your daughters current state. If daughter see's mom sad, depressed, upset, not working, stressed out, that too will upset her. You are mom and the MOST IMPORTANT person to your child; you being in the condition you are will upset your daughter. Know that you are important and special; and that you are so blessed to have a precious little angle by your side. Your daughter is truly a gift from God and she will be your strength.

See what you can do about your getting your daughter 100%.
Continue going to therapy (you and your daughter).
Be very patient with your daughter, make sure she knows she is loved and # 1.
Get a job (I know the economy is in crisis but keep looking).
Draw support from anyone and everyone whom cares about you. Talk to them. Let them know where you're at and what you need.

I wish you the best with all my heart. Please keep us posted on what happens. Many blessings.

Hi S.,

I have gone through what you are now going through. S., I also didn't think there was hope.

My ex was abusive and Bi-polar. Thankfully, I left before he could do anything to my son. Still hasn't physically hurt him but has done emotional and psychological attempts on my son. I have endured the worst of the worst from court battles for the last seven years, truth has prevailed and I have sole custody of my son, to my ex keeping my son and having to stake out his house to get my son back with the help of police, every summer. My son has also endured this. Not by my choice.

S., there is help. Fresh Start for women downtown is a great place. There is hope. Your daughter will come through this. My son also had anger but through a great deal of talking with him and letting him get his anger out, he is learning to deal with our situation. I want to stress, I don't put any of our problems and situations on my son or let him know of our problems outside of what he has to deal with. I still encourage my son to pray for his father, love his father and make the best of when he is over there. I don't push for details of what happens over there. It comes out when he feels the need. I don't bad mouth his father. Having said that, when his father tells him lies about me I do clear up to what the truth is. I don't initiate those conversations.

The only real advice I can give you is this. Pull yourself together for your daughter. She is watching you and how you handle this. I broke down a few times in front of my son. It's good for kids to see that we too have bad days.Other than that, I show him how to handle and work out bad situations. A great deal of humor is used in our house. A great deal of talking. I don't talk to him when he is in the middle of anger. I wait until he is calm. I don't engage whatsoever when in the middle of anger. They don't hear us at that time. I leave him alone which results in him calming down faster. Took time to get to that point. Once he learned that I wasn't interested in participating in that behavior, he learned that when he was calm is when I would engage.

A great support system is also needed. People who will help you and not tear you down. My son also had a few behavioral problems in first grade. I made the teachers aware of our situation, which they experienced my son's father's way as well, and they were better able to help my son. Children at this age don't know why they sometimes do things so I wouldn't ask why he did what he did but talked to him how his behavior affected others and what he could do the next time that situation arose.

You will get through this. I promise. You are and always will be the parent that is stable. Just keep talking to your daughter and truth will prevail.

As for the courts, keep fighting for your daughter. Follow court orders to the fullest.

I hope this has helped. Please feel free to ask anything. I will pray for you and your daughter.

Jules

I am so, so sorry to hear about your situation and how it is adversely affecting your daughter. Worse that your bi-polar ex cannot understand or see this.

When I was a single parent I joined a single parent support group at a local church. There was a women there with the exact circumstances as you have described. She moved further away, but within the 300 mile boundary limitation at that time. It made the mid-week visit practically impossible so it stopped happening altogether. Then the weekend visits went to every 3rd. They mutually agreed to this change. She came up with a very well thought out plan in terms of job, support, etc. Bi-polar behavior in front of children is terribly scary and scarring. But with you as her primary mentor, she will eventually be able to see the differences offered. I have another close friend who's ex is bi-polar and her adult children had this realization in their late teens, early 20's. So it's a long road, but the more stable and supportive environment you can provide, the better she will be.

Again, I am so sorry you have to go through this. I also hope that you familiarize yourself with all the bi-polar traits and signs as there is a genetic link and you'll want to keep a close eye on your daughter so that your can provide early intervention.

Also, $200/hr sounds way too high for this area. With your needs and financial constraints there are plenty of agencies that can offer discounted services. Please call any 1-800 child hotline. They have all the local resources at their fingertips. Even discussing his behavior with them (it's anonymous too) will help you and her.

You'll survive this and go onto help others.
Bless you!
Jen

HI S., I don't understand why you are "forcing" her to see her dad???!!! She clearly doesn't want to and it looks like he doesn't really want to see her, or at least not so often. My ex is on the same visitation, it's the standard for AZ. If I were you, I would just tell him he can see her any weekend he likes, you would like to have him see her more often, but it's clear you can all agree that its not what's best for her right now. DOCUMENT every single thing that happens between the 2 of them and maybe go after full custody for her later. SHE is your first priority and she should not be put in a situation with a father who is not loving and caring for her. I hope you find something that will work for you. Good luck!

Hello,

My advise would be to go back to Court and get Supervised Visitation with your EX and no more over night stays!! Your Childs wellfare needs to come first. You should also find a stable job and possible move.

If your daughter is having a hard time after coming home from visiting her Father, then you need to do something about it. Don't force her to go and spend the night with him. With the way she acts when she comes home that should big a huge clue about what happens when she goes over there. I would stop it right now. Your daughter needs to come first.

Next, why are you paying for him to see a therapist??? I would stop that today and make him pay. Stop creating bills for yourself. I would also document everything and anything you can, your daughters behavior before and after she sees her Father, conversations with her and him, anything. That way when you go to Court you have records to show them.

He doesn't sound like a healthy person for your daughter to be around. Maybe after he gets help and his behavior improves, then you make new arragments for her to see him. Until he cleans up his act, I would only have Supervised Vistitation. Let the State know your concerns and see what they can do to help you.

Good Luck.

I am not really sure of your problems. but I would work on things that I could control myself. work on your daughter's mood etc while she is with you, give her structure but not walls, give her hugs of encouragement for the littlest things. work on getting yourself a job and your stress level will go down making the level go down everywhere else. then work toward your daughter getting less time with her dad sighting that your homelife is stable and his is not.

I just re read your other responses I do feel that paying $200 for a therapist is crazy with your circumstances.
yes document your daughter's behavior and his behavior. I would not reply on your daughter's story though --- start by randomly talking to your ex prior to her visit siting that she needs to still put on her shoes or whatever. you do not want the judge to throw out all your evidence of actual bi polar weekends because of hearsay of a 6 y/o. and yes watch your daughter for bi polar but do not be noticable of it. (do not let your daughter see you doing it)
talk to the school about possible free counseling sessions they know of

It's time to go back to court. To revise visitaion.

Hugs,
D.

I am not an attorney. Maybe, if there are any online, they can chime in. Reading what you wrote, I am wishing for supervised visitation with your daughter and husband, to keep the damage and the stress to a minimum, if you still want keep him in her life. Personally, I would fight to keep him away from her, until he gets treatment and is able to manage a happy, healthy relationship with her. I hope you and your daughter get through this. May God watch over you. You will be in my prayers.