Seeking Advice for Potty Training a Boy.

If you think it is behavior related, you may try taking the diaper off. If he has an accident he should take ownership and clean it up. If you think it is medical maybe you should seek the advice of another physician.

My sister had the same problem with her son.....she eventually found out that he was afraid of falling in the toilet -- and that he couldn't push hard enough on the big toilet -- it was suggested that she get a childs seat to put on the big toilet -- which she did and it worked.

Hi. What worked for me is taking my kids to the bathroom every hour throughout the day, even if they didn't want to go. I had to hold my kids in place while they pooped because pooping is harder than peeing and they seemed to want to give up the first day or two when it came to pooping, but eventually they will have to go and if you run them over to the potty when it looks like they have to go, they'll have no choice because the poop will be coming out. I hope this helps.

Hi T.,

I'm J., I have a 19 year old and a 16 year old and boy oh boy, do I remember those days, wow! Yes it can be very stressful, and I would suggest if you can, to relax a bit about it, if you don't NEED this Pre-K then find one that will allow him to wear a diaper during the class, or if your not busy allow you to come and clean him up if he messes. A muddy pant is not a life threating problem and don't treat yourself and him like it is. Ignor the doctor and get another if possible; that will actually listen to both of your FEELINGS.

My 16 year old still is suffering from constipation, when she was 4 she was going through the same thing, I was in your shoes. I didn't have Mamasource, your lucky. I found out when she was in 7th grade (13) and having problems with school that her A.D.D. can be a cause of her and her Dads constipation, (which can be a loose stool also). This means that the control nerons or electrical connection in the brain is not working well enough to be felt or contoled by the individual. It could also be a fear of the toilet itself, which will take time to desensitize to. The Kindergarten that my daughter went to didn't care if she had a training problem they loved her anyway.
I believe that a lot of things in this world are more important than tiolet training, like having a Mom who cares enough to ask, and worry, and things like driving a car and getting into the college that will make your future. So when you look back at this be sure that you can say I don't regret any of it.

I know you said you tried taking toys away and such, but I'll go ahead and tell you what worked for us. We started out being very good about keeping sweet snacks to a minimum, but by age 3 he was getting his fair share of sugary foods, which he loved. So when nothing else was working with potty training, we decided to try one last thing...

"Son, we know that you are big enough to use the potty, so we have decided it is time. And to help encourage you, we have decided that until you poop on the potty, you will have nothing sweet at all...not even fruit or juice. No sweets!" We were very nice about it, and we let him know we weren't scolding him...just that we thought this would help him want to go. Well, he was fully "day-time" trained by the end of the day and has been ever since. I'm serious. We still laugh about it a year & a half later. That's all it took. He stills wears a pull-up at night, but stays completely dry at least 6 days a week. Maybe it's worth a shot. If there is a type of food item or something that is very important to him, just nicely tell him it is off-limits as an incentive to help him go potty. Then stick with it. It has to be completely untouchable until he has pooped on the potty. Then, if he poops one day, then regresses as soon as he gets the special item back, then it goes back in time out...maybe until he poops twice that time. (that's just a thought...we luckily didn't have any regression)

So, good luck. I can feel your pain, especially with school creeping up on you. Chances are, you won't be sending him off to college in diapers ;-) but I know how frustrating it is right now. I hope you find some great advice!

- C.

I would definatly get a second opinion as far as your Dr. goes. Could also be a control issue for him. When we were potty training our son he just turned 4. Our success was completely saying good-bye to diapers and pull-ups. We let him pick out his big boy underwear. Yes we had some accidents but it didn't take him long to figure out that the toilet was a better option. I also read once when a child poos in pull-ups let the child see you dump it into the toilet and tell them that is where we poo- and make them flush the toilet. We tried this not sure what kind of an impact it made. Hang in there you have plenty of time before school starts to get him trained. You could even use that as a insentive perhaps in a positive way. If he isn't completely trained just be honest with your school. It is very normal for a child to have accidents at school even if they are completely trained. Going to the bathroom for a child just isn't a priority. Hope this helps.
Blessings, C.

Just don't push him too much. My son got really constipated and withheld for days, even over a week once,it was a control thing. We had to give enemas, etc and he was on Senakot for over a year. My niece also went through the same thing, so just talking from experience, he will do it in time. My daughter seemed like she might be starting this but apple juice helped a lot. Plus, when your son sees the big kids doing it he will be more inclined to. Daycare trained my kids. Good luck, S.

There might be an underlying issue. For example his younger brother. My friend went through that with her daughter after her son was born. Kaitlyn would hold her poo. The bottom line, her jealousy of being an "only child" until she turned 3 years old, then along came Dane, and of course the problems followed. Don't put pressure on him, in his own time things will work out. I would also get "another opinion" from a highly referred doctor. Normally four year olds don't have the problems of going "number 2", but things come up. Also, the other angle is that it is a control thing from him. Try and not focus so much on it. It may alleviate the pressure he feels. Is your other son with you when he sits on the potty? Give him praise when he sits on the toilet and makes an effort. The pre-k teachers are aware, or should be, that children make mistakes. He will be fine!

I would first reccomend talking to another dr. (not in the same practice) and see what another dr. thinks. I don't really agree with the blanket statement that "4 years don't do this"
my son was over 5 years old when he was fully potty trained and even still would have an occasional accident.
kids have to be psychologicaly ready for potty training. getting them trained to early, before they are ready can cause problems later. people now days tend to be so bent on getting their kids potty trained by a certin age, regardless if the child is ready or not. I know the impending pre-k starting doesn't help the situation one bit. but you have to be on your son's time table, not some school's.
it could very well be that there is something that your son is afraid of when it comes to going poo in the toilet. you could try talking with him about it but i don't think you would be very fortunate to get a straight answer out of the mouth of a 4 year old.
maybe just try ignoring it for a while, don't make a big deal when he has an accident in his pants. I learned through trial and error that some kids don't respond to the punishments and rewards. we tried it all with my son, give him candy when he would go poo in the toilet, that didn't work. then we tried taking away toys when he had an accident, didn't work either.
the only thing that seemed to work was time. just give it time.

if your son's poop is mushy you may want to add some more carbs and protein to his diet to firm it up a bit. lay off the fruits for a while (some of which can cause the loose stools).

good luck and hang in there! you're doing great!

Is he on the big potty and if so, are his feet resting on anything or just hanging? It's really hard to push in that postion. That's why even babies draw their legs up to their chest or squat when they go. Something as simple as getting him a stool for his feet might help. As for the mushy part, my son is 6 now and his has always been mushy.
I also don't like the way your doctor said that "4 year olds don't do this" and to take things away from him. Obviously, some 4 year olds do and it seems like he could be more helpful than that.

My daughter did the same thing. We ended up rewarding her with a few of those little mini m&m's and she would poop on the potty for those. I don't know if bribery is the proper way to go but it worked for us. Now, a friend of mine has a little one going through the same thing and m&m's did not work for her BUT that kid also eats candy all the time so it wasn't really a treat. My daughter also has a "usual" time that she goes and we would watch for that and make sure we reminder her then. And, I do agree that they will do it when they are ready. Just have patience.

I have a cousin who is a nurse and she gave me this advice: Give him 1/2 tsp of mineral oil in the morning. (DO THIS ON A DAY WHEN HE WILL BE AT HOME ALL DAY) You can buy it in the pharmacy dept. It worked for me using a dropper, buy you can also use a spoon. There is no taste to it. This acts as a lubricant and allows the stool to pass freely... He will have to go during the day. When he does this successfully, reward him with stickers or candy. Make a really BIG deal out of it! It worked wonderfully on my now 4 year old when he was two.

T.,
Get a second medical opinion. Your doctor is right when he says "4-year olds don't do that", however, that is no comfort to you and doesn't explain why your methods of training aren't working. Don't blame yourself. Dig deeper.

T.,

I too WAS a stay at home mom. My son would not use the potty and he had to be trained to attend his pre-school (at 3 years). I just told him that only big boys could go to school and he couldn't go to school like a big boy unless he could go potty like one. I wasn't ugly I just made it a "goal or reward" to go to schoool if he went. I was so scared he challenged me up until the day before and i sent him to see what would happen, and he did it (mind you school was only a half day) but he made it. I never had a problem with him messing/wetting himself after he started school, mid you there were the occational accidents (which except for once) which occured w/ me.

Hope I gave you some kind of and idea, I hope it helps,
H.

Hi T.,

You've been given some great advice. As a new reader, I'm very impressed!

I had a similar problem with my 3 year old son. What worked for us was purchasing a toilet seat that had an attached ladder with handles so he could climb up on his own. I really think it worked because it gave him an added sense of security and independence. Plus he thinks it's fun to climb the ladder. I purchased mine from www.pottytrainingconcepts.com.

Good luck!

Dear T.,
I don't know if this will help a lot , but I kind of have the same problem with my Toddler . He is a year younger than your boy but refuses with all his might to be porrty trained. He is also due to start Pre-K next month and I was also at a loss of what to do . But then I rearranged my priorities and put my boy's mental welfare first. I talked to the Pre-school and got them to work with me .They agreed to help me ease him into potty training , even though this is not what they usually would do . Their main thing was also that my child had to be potty trained before he joined. What I am trying to say is ...don't stress about what the doctor says. Talk to your Pre-K teachers's , as mothers they should understand you and work with you ,and in time ,when your 4 year old sees other children do it he will want to be a part of the team. That's what I am doing about my little potty tyrant. Hope this advice helps , and by all means you have not failed your child .

Hi T.,

I actually just went through the same thing with my son. We started working with him on the July 4th weekend. He would REFUSE to go to the potty when I set the timer. What finally worked for us was he spent a day away from me (and his 10 month old brother) and with one of his friends that was already potty trained. He went when his friend went. When he came home he just started going on his own. I had to back off and let him do it on his own. I realized I was pushing too hard. The more I pushed the more he pushed back. He still has accidents but he's getting the hang of it. We just went on a week long road trip and he spent the entire time in underware (except at night).
I was worried about the mushy stuff too ... in my son's case it was really a matter of him being in the pull-up. When he goes on the potty it is formed. And whatever you do, DO NOT loose hope you have not failed your son. He'll get it!

T.,

I would first make sure you have had a through medical evaluation. Believe it or not, some children with significant constipation can have loose watery stools. However, if it is behavior driven, don't lose hope. He will not be pooping in a pull up when he goes to college. He is certainly at the age where he needs to exert control over his environment. I would try to be as "matter-of-fact" as possible. I think that kids pick up on a parent's frustration and this only fuels their behavior. One reward type thing that worked for us was a phone call from my daughter's favorite character-Dora. When she would poop in the potty, Dora would call her to tell her that she did a great job. Either I would make the call from my cell (when my husband was around) or I would have my mom do the calling. Apparently, you can actaully have the "real" Dora call by going on to the Nick Jr. website. I think it is about $2.00. I'm not sure if they have other character voices, but if he is really into somebody, it might help. Good luck. A.

I had a terrile time potty training my daughter. I had to take her to see a child psychiatrist. I went to a lady in Springdale that I was referred to her by my doctor and insurance paid for it. check and see about Ozark Guidance. See if you can find any infor at www.ozarkguidance.com I hope that helps. If you aren't comfortable going to see a child psychiatrist I can give you the tip she gave me. My daughter had control issues and used to refuse to go to the potty as a way to exercise her control and that I couldn't make her. After I relaxed and quit bribing her or discipling her she just started to go to the bathroom.

I am a mother of 4 children, ages 13, 11, 4 & 3. My 4 yr old son has some mental delays. He has been delayed on all his milestones. He begin peeing in the potty at age 3 and didn't begin to poop in the potty till after 4 yrs. I didnt think he would ever get fully potty trained! I had tried everything. I noticed that he would go into the bathroom, close the door, poop in his underwear, then open the door and yell for me. He would want me to come clean him up. I finally discussed it with one of the specialist at school and she suggested that I make him clean himself up. I though....oh thats gonna be a mess! The next time he pooped he began to yell for me and I told him he had to clean up, that I wasnt doing it any more. He stayed in the bathroom for a looonng time crying and screaming. Finally I went in and helped him do it -- hand over hand. This same thing happened maybe 2 more times before he realized that I was not going to clean him up anymore and that he was going to have to do it himself. Thats when he started pooping in the potty. And when he does....we clap, celebrate, etc and he gets his favorite candy..tootsie roll for a treat. He has been fully potty trained now for about 6 months... and what a blessing that is! He still asks for a tootsie roll afterwards and thats ok with me. I will give him a tootsie roll for the rest of his life than to have to clean him up. I dont know if any of this advise will help you or not, but good luck!!

We potty trained our son by getting a collection of toys, inexpensive things we'd even let him pick out, like a $1 recorder flute, $1 packs of dinosaurs or other animals, silly puddy, sunglasses, inexpensive books and colouring books, hotwheels, etc. We kept them in a special box, from which he could handpick one "prize" for pee-pee, and two prizes for pooping, since it was more of a challenge. This had worked for my nephew a few years before, and it went well for our son, about age 2.5-3yrs old.

This may seem kind of weird to some readers, though I hope not: my husband and I would intentionally leave the bathroom door open and discuss what we were doing around the time we wanted to potty train him. I had a feeling he would need some coaxing and reassurance; that it may help for him to have some exposure and "normalization" for pooping in the potty. I would tell him if I was pooping, and I'd often do so with a little song-mantra of, "See, Mommy poops in the potty... and Daddy poops in the potty... and Nanna poops in the potty... and [his 7yr old cousin] poops in the potty... etc. naming all the people in his family or that he looked up to. He was particularly impressed that his youngest cousin pooped in the potty. That seemed to inspire him. I noticed others mentioned that hanging out with other kids using the potty stimulated theirs to do it, too. We no longer have to leave the door open and discuss poop so much, so now we're able to teach him about privacy, and so far, no problems. We only recenty went diaperless for overnight and there are a few peepee accidents, but not much.

I've heard of some children being afraid of pooping, or even afraid of the potty... and what it does with their poop! :) It has something to do with them feeling somewhat connected to their poop, as thought it's a part of them, and unnerved that it is taken and flushed away to who knows where. Strange, yes... but not uncommon. There are special children's books that deal with that, though I can't remember which they were. A good children's bookseller may know, or a good pediatrician. You may even be able to google and find interactive website tools online. He may respond better to the way it's presented in one book over another, so it may be helpful to keep trying different ones.

I think you may be on to something with your observation about the consistency of his poop. Have you discussed that possibility with his doctor and were you able to get any insights about if there are ways to firm it up, like some dietary changes? More fiber or something? I can imagine that might change the feeling of needing to go potty, and certainly the sensory cues for pushing and pooping, itself, as well as how it would feel in his pants. The firmer it is, the more separate from him it will feel. After reading through some of the other responses, I can also vouch for one writer's experience that poop can seem mushier in the diaper or pullup but in the potty, it would be normally formed. If uncertain, it may be helpful to show his doctor a typical poop so he can help you evaluate if it's a normal consistency?

I know that struggling with potty and especially poop issues can often be tied into control and emotional issues, so it can be a delicate situation to deal with, needing a balance between lots of patience and care around self-esteem, support, and encouragement: they often need some personal space as well as positive reinforcement. Some writers mentioned control issues: my son displays this tendency in other areas, so I had a feeling up front that I'd have to be sort of nonchalant about it, not show him too much urgency or pressure. The timer thing others have mentioned would probably have made my son very resistant.

Sounds like you are doing your best, so please don't beat yourself up... that never gets us anywhere. Hang in there... it'll happen. I've seen some perfectly bright and sociable little fellas make it to kindergarten in pull-ups, even saw one poop on the floor in a secluded corner of the bookstore I worked in. He'd had a great raising, plenty of love and attention, a strong family network and involved grandparents, had been given the best toys, tools, etc, but was simply embarrassed about asking to go, still nervous about using the potty, and under pressure to get it down since he was soon to start school, too.

Though this would probably mortify any parent (and it did mortify his mom), he didn't struggle with it much longer... shortly after he enrolled in kindergarten, perhaps due to exposure to his peer group using the potty, he was out of pull ups and using the potty, himself, no problems at all.

So, hang in there and best of luck,
B.