Seeking Advice Concerning Behavior

I would ask the teachers and director if he could possibly be referred to the preschool assessment team for the local school district in order to assess or screen for developmental delays.

Best of luck,
J.

Well, one definite trigger for him is exclusion. When the other kids told him that he couldn't play puzzles with him, that was exclusion and that hurts. I can understand how a 4-year old would get mad enough to hit when faced with that kind of situation. Doesn't make the hitting right, just understandable. So, what happened to the other kids who excluded him from their play? Did your son's teachers address the issue of "we all play together" or "we all take turns" rules?

I'm glad the pre-k director is going to be going in to do a classroom observation. This may not be the case in your son's situation, but I'm wondering if he is getting too much negative reinforcement (being told what he is doing wrong and punishment) and not enough positive reinforcement (praise, high-5's, happy faces) when he is doing things right. A negative, "don't do that" environment can definitely cause a child to act up.

Also, it's really important to keep in mind that it takes a lot of work to civilize children. It's not enough to tell a child what they are doing wrong, we need to teach them the skills right then and there to do things the right way. In my family, when one or both of my children get too grabby with each other or refuse to share, they may get a time out but we also do a lot of "do overs" where they have to ask for a toy the right way and respond to a request to share appropriately without getting too fighty with each other or whiney.

I may be off about this but I'm wondering if your son's teachers get the fact that it is not enough to police the classroom; that there are instances like you have described that offer them the opportunity to teach their students social and communication skills as well.

I hope this helps that you are able to resolve this situation for you and your son soon.

Is he only acting out at Preschool?
How long has he been going to this preschool?
Is he truly happy there? or not?
Does he have any other problems? Or problems at home? Or any traumatic events lately? Or does he get along with you and dad and his sibling? How does he act with you all?
Any triggers that you know of?
Socialization problems only now? Or has he always been this way?

The thing is, there is typical child behavior or naughtiness...and then there is the behavior that goes beyond that AND disrupts others...and causes stress/fear in other kids. If the Teacher has to spend so much time with him to mellow him out and redirect him... then, perhaps this goes beyond the typical age-phases and typical behavior for this age.

The other kids probably don't want him to join them in activities, because they know he is defiant and hits/kicks/spits at them. Thus, he is experiencing other kids not wanting to play with him anymore. So, this adds another element to his behavior problems.

It's good & sure caring that the school and teacher are willing to work on it and consult the schools founder. Instead of just kicking him out. They sound like a nurturing school and positive.

Now, you need to watch this, it can escalate... and you do not want him to become a "bully".... now or in the future.

Also, you don't want to encounter a situation where he actually hurts another child, or adult.
AND, fortunately, no other parent/their child has complained about your son? Or anyone being afraid of him?
These are all things to consider.

When my daughter was in preschool at 4 years old... there was a "bully" there... and he got kicked out. Because, the Teachers knew full well about his inappropriate behavior and because the other parents complained about this kid doing 'mean' things and hitting their own child. This "bully" picked on MY own daughter as well. I would not put up with it. The school can also be liable... if anyone is hurt.

This is me and coming from the other side of the fence... that of a Parent whose child was actually picked on by a "bully" like child, in Preschool. It is not pleasant to be in this position either... seeing your child come home unhappy and stressed because they are being bullied.

Now, since the school is willing/able to figure out your son... then that's good. See what they recommend.

There must be some reason, your son is so angry and hitting. It sounds quite blatant. Maybe, is he not happy at this school? Or does he have any other problems that are exacerbating this?

Maybe he is not ready for school.
Maybe the school is either too structured/rigid or too loosey-goosey and lets the kids direct themselves. Each school has different approaches, in how they 'direct' children and each child reacts differently to these approaches.

I don't know what to say, it seems you have tried all the typical 'methods' most Moms use... and it does not seem to help.

The thing is, there seems to be a reason, which no one knows why at this time, that is causing your son to act out so physically.

All the best... its really a great thing though that the Teachers have been so patient. Can they perhaps get an "aide" just for your son... to work with him one on one? I"m sure the Teachers do not have time to work with only your son, in light of all the other students they have to care for too. Perhaps you can suggest this...

Take care,
Susan

N.,

I work with parents and preschools and I promise you, you are NOT alone with this challenge.

It sounds as though your son's school is proceeding wisely; responding to his behavior, notifying you, doing further observation, and even bringing in an outside eye for input.

If those observations indicate typical four-year-old behavior, I suggest you follow-up with your son by; acknowledging his emotions - "it is really frustrating when other kids say they don't want play with you, but you cannot kick and hit"; Telling him what he CAN do when he is frustrated/angry - he can use words "I'm angry! You hurt my feelings when you don't let me play.", and/or excuse himself and take time alone doing something he enjoys until he calms down, and/or run around outside to blow off some steam.

The natural consequence that follows, if the behavior continues, is the cancellation of additional playdates and outings until he can better control his physicality. Let him know that you cannot send him out into the world if he is going to hurt others, but when he learns another way to handle himself you will look forward to returning to the park, etc.

Good luck!

It sounds like you have a great preschool helping you work through this. What a blessing!

With my son's behavior when he was 3 (a very challenging age!) a star chart is what worked. I listed 4 behaviors: kind heart, gentle hands, good listening ears, and good behavior. Kind heart encompasses sharing and kind words to others. Gentle hands includes hitting, kicking, biting, and all physical behaviors toward others. Good listening ears is following directions. Finally, good behavior covered the screaming and temper tantrums when he didn't get his way.

I then put together a "treasure chest" (just a bag) with small toys in it that my son would like. I would hit the dollar store or buy hot wheels, etc to fill the "chest".

In the beginning, if my son got all 4 stars during the day, he would get something out of my treasure box. I actually started out with before nap and after nap (he could get 2 toys a day for a short time). I needed to reward proper behavior which meant breaking it down to allow him to succeed.

You might consider trying a star chart just for the preschool time. My son's teachers would actually give me a report using the same symbols from his star chart. If he earns all 4 stars from his teacher, he gets a treasure.

Later, we expanded the program to each week and included chores, etc. He didn't necessarily have to have a perfect week, but he had to earn a certain number of stars to get "treasures". Sometimes those treasures would include a special trip to the park, a trip to RiteAid for ice cream, or other special activity my son would like.

Finally, we had a book and sang a song called, "When You're Angry and You Know It". It reinforced proper behavior when you get angry, such as stomping your feet, screaming into a pillow, walking away, beating a drum, etc. That helped my son learn how to respond rather than lashing out (although I don't know if this is why your son is acting up or if there are other triggers).

Please realize that you're approaching this situation with the right attitude and focus. With your guidance you're son will grow up just fine. This is just one of those parenting challenges among many that will pass. But, nipping it in the bud will ensure a well-balanced person in the future. My son is now almost 8 and has amazing behavior. Now if I can only get him to treat his little sister with a little more respect...my next challenge. Hang in there!

My son did that same thing and was worse. HE was in day care and when some one took a toy away from him he YELLED and than bagged his head against the wall and than thru himself to the floor. One time the day actually asked me if my son was "RETARDED"
Another time he actually jumpd off the table and slammed another boys head into the wall! cause he took the toy away from him.
I believe it was jsut a phase, cause one day i took him home and i was so mad, i didn't even know what to do i was a single mom barley making it as it was & the day care was threating to kick him out of the day care for harming the other kids.( Me and his dad had jsut kinda split up so i'm sure if this was the cause of his out burst but he grew out of it. He still doesn't like to share but isn't harming any other kids.)
All i did was after that incident of him jumping off the table, i came home and sat him down, i got in the chair and was eye level with him, and askd him why he did what he did and explained to him that wasn't the way we do things. That seemed to work cause i never had more problems with the daycare again.
Dont worry ur not the only one who day care was complaining bout the boy behavior.

I haven't read all the responses so excuse me if I'm repeating ; ) My son was like that...wow, the energy, craziness...I remember, actually, at almost 8, he's still kinda like that. Here's what I did: karate!!!! A lot of people suggested it and I just tried it. It made a huge difference and still is!!! The discipline, the structure, the motivation to put the craziness into martial arts makes him successful too!!! He's won a few trophies, he's earned belts, he knows when and where to "fight" and "hit". It's not the end all, but it really has helped. Good luck...oh, also, turning 4 helped : ) seriously, my son changed drastically about 2 weeks after he turned 4, he was a new guy! My heart is with you!

My son had similar problems. He acted out when he felt hurt or without control.
What the teachers and parents of the other children didn't understand was that taking a toy away from him was more hurtful than punching him in the face. Not playing with him was the worst thing possible.
It took a lot of work to convince him to tattle on kids-yes, you want him to tattle and not handle it himself. It also took a lot of work to get his teachers to understand his point of view. For 99% of kids sitting too close isn't a problem but for him it was. They had to deal with it and other seemingly insignificant things because that was what bothered him and caused him to react badly.
He just may not have developed the coping skills like other children. My son can take rough and tumble action but can't handle a child who is loud. He will share everything he owns but can't handle it if someone cuts in line.
There are things that are beyond his capability to handle and he needs to know that's ok, just because it's different doesn't mean it's not important. He needs to feel that the teachers and his parents are there to help him not punish him. Eventually, his abilities will catch up with others as long as he is taught with patience. If you or teachers get upset it will stress him more and it will take longer to get beyond.
Good Luck.

Hello N.~

It sounds like your son may be a typical 3.5 to 4 year old trying to have more control over his life (it is so frustrating for those little guys -- they can't even control their bodies perfectly yet!)

Do you give him choices?

I know you're busy. Are you able to have 1:1 time with your son at all?

I recommmend "How to Talk so Kids will Listen," "Your 3 year Old," and "Your 4 Year Old" -- all of these books together will give you a better handle on helping your son move from egogentricity to a social being -- which is our job as parents!

The "Your 3 Year Old" books takes you through the ages and stages of child development in a nutshell -- they help you see what you can expect so you don't worry too much about every behavior.

I also recommend reading this blog:

Taking a Step Back
We all know that our children are not reflections of us, but every once in a while we get tricked into that lie again! It sneaks in, and we spring into RE-action, rather than mindful response. That way of "reflective" thinking is a trap that often leads us to seek approval from the random parents around us. It can throw us into a tizzy of self-judgment: Oh my gosh my child is screaming (at me)! What is that father/store clerk/woman thinking about us/me?! Instead of, "Oh my gosh my child is screaming... what does my child need that I can give him?" The irony is that those parents who we are trying to please in that hot moment of crisis don't actually matter to us as much as our children do, nor are they even in line with our own core values!

That self-judgment is probably the most difficult thing to overcome in being parent. It seems we are never enough: we never do enough for our children, we don't do it well enough, we don't love them enough, we aren't patient enough with them, we aren't energetic enough for them, we aren't sweet enough for them. The JUDGE inside us tells us in so many ways how we simply aren't enough for our children.

Perhaps the most important thing about being a parent is to know that we are mentoring all of the time. As Joseph Chilton Pearce says, "We must be the person who we want our child to become." So if we want our child to love themselves as they deserve to be loved, and to respect themselves with the respect they deserve, and to be OK with being "less than perfect," then we have to offer that same regard to ourselves first. Ease up on yourself when you are less than "perfect." (What is, IS perfect, because it IS!)

You have all of the answers your family needs. When in doubt, tune into your your inner compass. You are the guiding light of the house; "mother (father) knows best." Your child chose you for the answers you have for her. Your child chose you for the parent you are right now -- not some perfect parent you will become someday. So the great news is that you get to relax and trust yourself! You ARE enough!

Our children are here to teach us as much as we are here to provide guidance to them. Who else in your life has the ability to take you deep within yourself on a journey of self-discovery and re-ignite that fire within?

Parenting from balance is as simple as taking a step back, and responding to life. How refreshing and so much easier it is to relax into your own family groove, than to keep a stiff upper lip and stay in that grueling race with the Jones'es!

You can read more about this at: http://rivieraplayschool.blogspot.com/

Lots of Love,
Linda

He is a 3 year old boy. You will notice almost everyone responding has said BOY in their description. Our son went through this also. It was extreme and we even changed his preschool. The second one worked out great and they did much of what you are describing your school doing. He will grow out of this. His emotions are huge and at this age especially boys don't know how to handle themselves when they are upset. Consistency is key. It also helps to identify his triggers and attend to them before the blow up. Be very cautious of anyone who wants to test him at this age and label him. Testing isn't always the best thing. You have to weigh that carefully. Stay strong, set clear expectations, be consistent, and give him quality time. All those things will help him grow and learn proper behavior. Just when you think you can't take it any more he will grow out of it and you will forget how bad it was. Also, keep this in mind. A wise friend told me when I was going through this, "These traits that are so frustrating in a 3 year old are exactly the traits that if fostered properly will later result in a wonderful, self confident, intelligent adult with great leadership skills."

If at all possible take him out of day care, stay home with him for a month and see how his behavior is. Many times day care providers exagerate and sometimes simply don't tell the truth, especially with a child who is extra active, etc. I know this, as I taught pre-school and witnessed many intersting things. You be the judge of your boy and go from there.

Good Morning,

Two Things to consider:

1. Allergies and deficiencies can cause behavioral problems. You may want to go to site NAET.com, and from Amazon.com purcahse the book Say Goodbye to Illness by Dr. Nambudripad. Another book for reference is Prescription for Nutritional Healing by Balch.

2. Also, counseling might be a great thing. Sometimes children need to express what's going on with them to someone else. If you like authors like Louise Hay and Wayne Dyer, you may want to look into Agapelive.com. Agape is a non-religious spiritual center and they have counselors who will counsel on a sliding scale.

Be Well.

N.

I have a 2.5-year-old with the same issues. If he says NO a lot, he might be mimicking what he is told a lot; kids that age are typically just defiant - trying to gain their independence. I try making a game out of things or a little challenge. For instance, when it's time to clean up if the Barney Clean Up Song doesn't work at home (they use it at preschool so I'm trying to be consistent) than I will say something like, "Okay can you pick up the red blocks first?" and he usually does it without an argument because he has a task. As far as the hitting and pushing around at preschool, I understand it can be embarrassing and frustrating. I am hoping for our boy that he gets this out of his system soon so by the time he enters elementary school he knows how to behave. My son also has very patient teachers that "shadow" him when he's acting up. We both agree that because of that he might be acting out so he gets more one-on-one attention from the teachers at school. Our son will try to hit us and lash out when he doesn't like what we are saying (i.e., "time to go," "time for bed," etc.) We have been watching the Supernanny show to get some tips and I checked out her books from the library. I have been doing a lot of getting down to his eye level, talking him through things and the biggest thing that has helped is being a "talking clock." When he is having a great time at the park or in the bathtub and I know he's going to get super upset when the fun is over, it helps him if we say "We are leaving in 10 minutes, 5 minutes, 2 minutes," etc. It gives him a chance to transition in his head. I found out they also do that at his preschool. Maybe it would be helpful if you have a 1/2 day or day off to go in yourself and observe at class. Our preschool has a parent observation room that the kids cannot see you're watching but you can see them....or just volunteer in the classroom once to see how they talk to the kids and what they do so you can try to parallel it at home. Good luck! I will be interested to read other parent's ideas. Even if this type of behavior is typical for some kids, it still is bothersome because we know it's not right. The teachers at my son's school are very good about telling him to use his words and explaining to him that hitting hurt so and so's body and/or their feelings. I can tell my son is getting more empathetic to it whereas before he didn't seem to care as long as he tried to get his way.

It sounds to me like you are in good hands. I have a 4 year old (almost 5) and we have dealt with quite a plethora of behavioral issues this year. I am a SAHM so I am with him all day long and I have discovered that I have to be QUICK to correct inappropriate behavior or else he will keep pushing to find out where his limits lie. I would try to keep your interactions positive with him and continue to work with his school regarding his behavior. You have help and resources.

I also have two boys and, while mine are older now, I have learded a lot from watching SuperNanny on TV. She is really great with kids & their parents. If you have not watched it, I highly recommend it. Boys have a lot of energy and it can be very difficult to figure them out sometimes. It's also really important that you & your husband model the behavior you want to see in your son. He's losing his temper and it will be hard to teach him not to if he sees you or your husband lose your temper. (I realize that it's hard not to sometimes). This is really key. If you are firm, yet patient with him at home, and he still is acting out, then you also have to look at the environment and see if something is frustrating him. Kids don't always have all the tools to just come out and tell us what is bothering them. However, boys especially with often "act out" when unhappy about something. So keep your eyes and ears open to what is happening at preschool. Try to talk to him about his day ask him what makes him angry and don't scold him about it, just listen and see what you can find out. Let him know it's okay to be upset or angry if other kids are not playing nicely or are not giving him a turn, but let him know he cannot hit or kick or spit - that he has to tell a teacher or decide to go play with other kids who are nicer to him. It's all very overwhelming sometimes in preschool. Some kids handle that whole transition better than others. This can be a great learning opportunity for him at a young age. If you do decide that for some reason or another this preschool is not working out for him, don't hesitate to switch him - this should be a fun time in his life and, like everything else in life, sometimes one place will "fit" a kid better than another place. All the best to you!

Not sure how long this has been going on but...I had problems with my son a few months back (he's a month older than your boy). Ended up he wasn't feeling well. He had an ear infection that didn't manifest enough for the docs to see for about 3 weeks. He was a holy terror at preschool during that time period. Even chased a kid with a pair of scissors! Yikes!!! Not feeling good leads to not sleeping well, eating well which in turn leads to a grumpy kid. Just a thought....maybe he's getting sick? Low blood sugar, etc....