Seekind Advice for Angry 8 Year Old Who Says I Don't Love Him When He Gets Angry

As soon as the blaming starts, let him know from now on it's not ok and he will need to go to his room if he "blames on others". You can try to explain to him how and why he should take responsibility for his actions. If you don't address that behavior now and for as long as it takes to get through to him, he will believe it and he needs to start taking responsibility for his actions now. It's a lesson that might take some time for him to get. He sounds like he might be very stubborn, but don't give in. Take his behavior away from the family focus instead of giving attention to it. When he's been in his room awhile you might give him the opportunity to talk about what made him mad and really listen giving him the chance to express his feelings in an appropriate way. Never give him ice cream or any treat when he is trying to bribe you to be good. He needs to be good without any rewards. On the other hand an occasional treat out of the blue, when you want to give it is ok.

sevaral have suggested the Love and Logic approach which is what I was going to suggest. It is really amazing how well it works. it really teaches you child to look at his behavior/actions are why he is in trouble, not that you do not love him or you are being a "meanie" as my kids call me sometimes.

My daughter used to do the same thing. Finally, I started laying down the rules. "No, ice cream until after dinner". If she started to throw a fit, I would have her go to her room until she could behave. This didn't work smoothly at first...but one day she was throwing a tantrum, literally on the floor kicking and screaming, so I got down on the floor and started doing the same thing. She stopped and stared at me. I kept it up for a couple of minutes, then turned towards her and asked if she thought that was pretty. She admitted that it wasn't. I told her that she looks like that when she is throwing a tantrum. I also explained to her that I might hate her actions or attitude at times, but I would always love her. Now when I send her to her room, she might stomp off, but she doesn't say I hate her anymore, and she usually comes out after about 30 minutes saying she was sorry, and we talk about the incident in a calm manner.

When my kids say that they don't love me (because they are angry with me) I usually respond with either "that's o.k I still love you," or " then I must be doing something right" All of my kids went through this stage and my Bipolar teen does this and worse to make me feel as bad as he does. The best and hardest thing to do is stick to your guns and send them to their rooms till they can stop the tantrum. My teen will drop himself to the floor and throw an all out screaming fit at times....I simply tell him that he needs to go to his room...sometimes I have to count him out most often I dont get past 2 before he is moving to his room.

Counseling is a great idea, because there can be different reasons as to why kids are angry and understanding where it might be coming from, might help you to figure out what is the best route. If he is only doing this when he is not getting his way, the less you respond to this statement the better. Kids will often make these statements in an attempt to gain control and when you acknowledge this, you enter into the battle. Love and Logic is great for these kinds of battles. Doing things that will keep him "off balance" (responses that he might not expect but are still supportive)may stop the tantrum. I once had a kid that told me that he hated me, I said that was fine, he then stated that he would yell really loud, I told him that was ok and if he wanted to yell louder, I would take him to the hallway where it would echo really loud, he then said he would fall to the ground, I showed him a great spot that he couuld do this and be safe, he then threatened to stomp on my floor until it broke, I stomped loud and said I would be impressed because it was concrete.....then he stopped, never threw a temper tantrum that day or any other day....always reminding him that it was his choice....lots of luck

Hi M.,
It sounds like your little darling is trying to manipulate you. I recommennd the books The Five Love Languages of Children and How To Really Love Your Child. My son gets quite angry and usually over little or nothing after he has had sugar. My advice is to get rid of all sugary food from the house and don't give it to your kids, you will all be better off. I use clear liquid Stevia, it is a plant, but has no calories and doesn't raise your blood sugar. I make ice cream with it by freezing milk in ice cube trays and blending them in the blender with stevia, a little milk for liquid and cocoa powder. You could also make fruit smoothies, but go easy on the fruit as it contains sugar that raises the blood sugar. My son can have one piece of fruit without a negative affect. If he eats two, watch out. When he says I don't love him, I reasure him that I do, and don't get hung up there. He doesn't really think I don't love him, he is trying to make me feel bad and manipulate me by giving him what he wants. By all means, don't cave in, it just reinforces this behavior. I use the 1 2 3 Magic counting method. When my son is misbehaving, I say, "That's one" when I get to three, he loses a privelidge or cherished posession for the day. If I count to three, it extends the length he loses the privelidge or posession. I hope this helps. I wish you success in this.
Blessings,
J.

Is it possible that you have used bribs with him in order to get power over his behavior? Requiring proper civilized behavior requires no reward it is an requirement of life.

I suspect that this bright boy has just turned the tables and is outsmarting you.

Of course he will be an angry child. I suspect that he feels that you are feeling powerless. He needs you to be in control and to have respect for him and high expectations of him so that he can feel secure within himself and respect himself.

The books that have been suggested are probably full of good ideas for you help you to regain control in a firm not aggressive or rejecting manner.

Best of luck...Kids can be an incredible challenge!

Just a guess that he is the middle child and wanting more attention? My friend's third child was angry all the time because he got ripped off in the attention department, and it really helped when she started spending special one-on-one time with him (even if it was only 5 minutes).

I know you have enough book recommendations already, but I always recommend books by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish (coauthors). One of their stories in "Liberated Parents, Liberated Children" reminds me of your predicament.

I don't want to worry you, but have you taken him to counseling or to see a child psychologist? A few ideas come to mind, but I don't want to be inappropriate and say the name of a disorder here just based off of your email.

I would have him talk to someone professional about why he's acting this way b/c what is anger is a 7 year old is much, much scarier in an adult if it's not resolved.

With loving thoughts,
S

My son is only 2, but I used to be a teacher and I have read a lot about the Love and Logic parenting techniques. I would recommend "Parenting with Love and Logic" or "Avoiding Power Struggles with Kids" at www.loveandlogic.com or you can check it out at most libraries in book or cd format. I know that it teaches one way to respond when kids say that you don't love them. Hope this helps!

M.:

I also have an eight yr old and we go thru the same thing. We are in counceling together, just to come up with ways to work together. My therapist has me reading a book called "Your Eight Year Old" by Dr. Ames. There is one for every year. It seems your son is right in line with what the book is saying and it gives some helpful hints as to what to do and why he is doing it. Its a quick read and you can get it at the library.

Keep breathing!!!

D.

You know your child better than anyone, and I truly beleive different things work for different children. I am in a blended family, dealing with teenage girls. Trust me, I have learned every child is different!!! and needs to be handled in a different manner.
I do not personally think your son is angry with the individual that he directs his anger to. I beleive he is unhappy with something within himself. Whether it be he feels he has no friends in the neiborhood/school or whatever the reason. He is using his anger as a form of control, something he can take control of. Even though I am sure he has disipline and consequences, at the time he is angry he is the controller of the situation.
Is your son active in sports, clubs, after-school activities?
Lots of parents have oppinions about certain activities...I have heard positive raving oppinions about Karate. Parents have told me it shows the child disipline, teaches them the tool of strength (both mind and body)and how to use it. But most of all about the disipline....I have been told it teaches RESPECT and they use that in every aspect of their life. This may be his calling.
I have a very strong willed 16 year old girl who is not active in anything....it has been a struggle, the most gracious advantage I have right now is Good Grades, Respect, Attitude = DRIVER'S LICENCE. Good Grades, Respect, Attitude and a part-time job = HELP WITH A CAR.
The ball is in her court and I have been waiting for someone to play ball with. I hope she gets it Grades are not an issue. But RESPECT,ATTITUDE AND AMBITION ARE HUGE BARRIERS FOR HER. Peer pressure has been a nightmare!!!
M., I wish you all the luck in the world. As parents we try to give our children the very best, even better than we had growing up. It is extemely painful when we have tried so hard and the anger,resentment and frustration then is directed towards us!
Take Care, Dear. send me a message anytiime, if you need to talk.

Lots of good advice and perspective has been given already. I would just strongly encourage you to read the book "PARENTING WITH LOVE AND LOGIC" by Cline and Fay. Good approaches and insight to have in your repetoire!

Books: "Parenting with Love and Logic" www.loveandlogic.com
"The Heart of Anger", by Lou Priolo
"Creative Correction", by Lisa Welchel
Keep up the good work!

I agree that counseling might help your child, and it would also give you tools to deal with these difficult situations when they occur.

Be sure to speak the truth to your child. Don't be afraid to disagree with your child and simply state, "But I DO love you!", "I love you but we aren't having ice cream today", "I love you and would love to talk with you when you calm down". And don't let the blame go unanswered but state the truth here, too: "No, no one is to blame, this was just an accident", "Sorry, you left your toys outside and now they are ruined, it's not my responsibility to pick up after you." etc.

By the way, I read the Love and Logic book on recommendation by Mamasource members and found it to be excellent. I wish I had read it sooner!

I would go two routes with him... one: check out the book Love And Logic. It's Terrific! And I would check out some counseling. When my son was 7 we started him in counseling and it worked wonders for his self-esteem, which was very low. He also had a touch of depression and would talk about hurting himself.
We also got him involved in an extra-curricular activity (dancing) and he's an amazing, competitive dancer now (at 13 years old).

I highly highly recommend the book "John Rosemond's Six Point Plan for Raising Happy Healthy Children". You can find it cheap on amazon.