*****UPDATED FOR ALL THAT RESPONDED THANK YOU VERY MUCH******
I havent seen my mothers side of our family for about 8 years maybe even longer actually. Yesterday my mother called and said that one of my cousins was in the hospital just 10 minutes from where I work.... (of course my first thought was how quickly can I get there). She was having very severe migrains and had to have a tumor removed from her brain...she is now in a drug induced coma and all our family is taking turns being with her. I immediately called and found out what room and I did go there today during my lunch brake. what Im wondering tho... It has been soooo long and nobody really knows me, is it best to go back and visit or will it just cause undue stress and an uncomfortable situation for my cousin and the rest of the family if I do go back and visit???? Help!!!!
Thank you for the quick responses.... they are very much appreciated... I want to clear up the reason for my not being in contact with my mothers family.... My mother left when I was 15... she did not come back into my life until I was almost 26-27... at that point I got to know some of my relatives on her side but not many... my mom moved to Montana and I also moved on... I did not intentionally lose contact it was just alot of different things in my life that happened...(also they do not call or write so it has been a two way street on the no contact) I call my one aunt occasionally and I try to stay in touch with a couple of my cousins, but really i dont know them, and it is hard to move forward after all these years ... they are family and at this point in my life I want every opportunity to get to know them, but I dont want it to be hard on them especially at a time like this.....
10/24/2008 Another quick update... I did go back last night after work to see my cousin, it was ackward, my cousins husband was the only one there. I had bought a card and a small gift so I went in and left that with her husband. I talked with her husband for a couple minutes, stood next to her bedside and held her hand and wanted to stay but felt some deep emotions and decided to leave.... I do plan on going back, but not sure how often I should stop by....
11/12/2008 Unfortunately I have bad news to report... I did go and see my cousin every nite while she was in the hospital and all the family is great... but On October 29th I went in for my regular evening visit and found several members of the family there, Tammy (my cousin) had some major seizures.. when I arrived they were running test ... she did not respond to any of the test and they pronounced her at that point... I stayed for a couple hours and then went home... I have since went to Paul and Tammy's home and also attended the funeral services (Monday November 10th)...
I guess my biggest regret is I didnt keep in touch and now for Tammy it is too late...
Thanks for all the advice...
B.,
If it were me I'd go back. Family is family no matter how long the years between. Maybe not show up everyday, but I'd go to give support.
Melissa
We don't need to know but apparently there's some big reason why you haven't been in touch with your Mom's side of the family for so long.
Whatever it was you didn't let it stop you coming to their aid in such an emotional time. KUDOS to you!! Go back and keep going back long after your cousin is well and at home. E.
There is no one-size-fits-all answer to that question, B.. It might depend partly on why you lost contact. If there were hard feelings, it would be perhaps trickier than just being "busy," though of course there is always the possibility that you would be seen as neglectful and uncaring, and so hard feeling might exist that you know nothing about.
And unless you know otherwise, it's equally possible that no awkward feelings exist, and others would be grateful for your participation.
Are there any family members who know you and have also kept touch with the other side of the family? Maybe your mother? If so, you might want to run your question by them and get a sense of what the emotional climate is like. If there is no such person, I would call whomever you're least uncomfortable talking to and break the ice.
Good luck. Your willingness to be there in spite of possible discomfort is admirable, and will probably be welcome by at least some long-lost family.
I'm replying after your updates.....
I would talk to your cousin's husband and ask his thoughts on the visits. If he's OK with you being there whenever you can then do it, otherwise respect his wishes on the time he sets up. Recovery time will be when your presence might be needed more. My brother-in-law was in an induced coma in September and my sister was overwhelmed by the visitors at first. Now that he is awake and in rehab she is requesting friends and family come help to keep him from being lonely as she can't be there 24/7. Congratulations on getting past the awkward feelings and seeing your family.
A similar thing happened to me...my parents divorced when I was 3 and my dad wasn't interested in me, so he is a stranger to me. His three sons, my half-brothers, I saw now and then but not much in adulthood. Then the middle boy got in a terrible car accident--brain damange, surgery, coma, long rehab--and I was suddenly faced with having to spend time in the hospital room with my brothers, my dad and his partner, and my brother's wife and kids, whom I barely knew. I felt like I didn't have a right to be there. So I relied on the brother I was friendliest with, and went the first time when he was there--I really didn't want to run into my father and his partner. That worked well. Later, as the family sat up in shifts, they were glad enough to have me in the rotation. I won't lie and say it completely thawed out--my oldest brother hoped to re-unify the family around this event, but that didn't happen--but I was able to visit and let my middle brother know I cared about him. It was never super comfortable but it was worth it to me to be there.
Go! You will feel so bad it you don't. And you are so lucky to have this chance to reconnect again. Many don't have this chance or choice. And if it goes well good, if it goes bad, then you can step back and say "I tried. I put my heart out and said I love you." Either way your heart will be bigger and better.
And that is a good thing. Blessings
You should definitely go back and visit. There is a special bond between cousins that even time can't break. Even though it feels awkward, knowing people care means alot. Good luck.
GO visit!! Your family will welcome your support. In situations like this, the health of your cousin is more important than whether or not you have seen them lately. I don't know what caused the lack of communication in the first place. But having you "ignore" them during a crisis, when you work so close, will certainly not help. Just swallow your pride and go! They need support. Who cares if it is awkward. It is the right thing to do.
Your cousin will probably appreciate you being there. These feelings will no doubt outweigh the feelings of awkwardness, though you don't say why you haven't seen the family in eight years....
