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Can you rule out that these episodes are part of his inability to feel loved? I mean his dad and you divorced. Not easy for kids to adjust to and often shown with blaming, temper tantrums, etc. Next, dad has nothing to do with him. That can do amazing things to a kid's self esteem and self worth. Again, displayed through frustrating tantrums and blame games.

I agree on the possibility of a 'short circuit'. But I just wanted to bring up this possibility as well. It's common. They have trouble to process upheavals.

Have you tried to keep a log of what is going on right before these episodes to see if there may be a trigger? I would wonder if there is a food allergy or some other type of allergy behind it.

M. -- this is your son on YouTube? I am watching this right now, and my thought so far is that you are giving his meltdowns too much attention. I think you should just calmly put him in his room until he can regain control.

You keep wanting him to do something or tell you something. He may just need to be unstimulated for a few minutes.

I am not blaming you, it is hard to know what to do with these things. But I'm pretty sure watching this that you need to start putting him in a calm environment by himself until he can calm down. This is not a punishment, he just needs a lack of stimulation.

He's telling you he doesn't want it, and you are not listening to him. Please try putting him in a quiet place by himself the very next time he does this. This is getting painful to watch.

Try it, okay? It's not punishing him to put him away for a few minutes. It is very true that attention for negative behavior (i.e. negative attention) will exacerbate a problem. I'm surprised no one has suggested this to you before.

Seriously M., if I was experiencing a meltdown, and I had someone in my face the whole time, I would freak out too. Not trying to be harsh, just trying to get you to see this.

p.s. If you've tried what I am suggesting, consistently, and it doesn't work, then it's obviously something else. But please try it if you have not.

This is a 2 yr old temper tantrum that has matured.

When he starts this type of behavior put him in his room and close the door until he stops. Once he sees this behavior no longer gets any attention from you, or anyone else, he will stop.
If you are out in public, store or restaurant, leave --- in restaurant pay for food and go-- or just go outside until he calms sown.

DO NOT allow any doctor to label him with any form of alaphabet soup -- ADD - ADHD - ODD ect. Work on his behavior by ignoring him when he acts out and praise him when he is good. Simple ideas --- but not easy to do.

I would not put any real identifying information on the internet. It could come back to haunt you later when applying for a teaching job.
Also, insurance could consider this preexisting though maybe the law changed.

I think it is great you accept help from your family and very wise. I wish I had an answer, but I do want you to know that your willingness to get your son help shows you are a good M..

This looks like a normal tantrum to me. My daughter freaks out if I try to engage her mid-tantrum as well. I think she has a little more anger/frustration from her father leaving her life at 2 (she's 4 now). She rarely throws a fit when she is alone with her step dad because he has always been consistent with the boundaries. They have a very loving relationship and I've been amazed to see how well she is capable of managing her emotions when it's been established as a clear expectation. As a divorced and working mom, I think my daughter picks up on some subconscious guilt I had/have and pushes the limits with me a lot more. I think I was too tolerant of certain behavior when she was 1 - 2 years old because I was overly empathetic about the changes in our family. Ages 2 - 3 were rough and we just had a couple of tantrums at 4 - I thought we were past them! I agree with what Lara suggested. I think you need to keep on keepin on until about 5. Hang in there!!!

ETA: Saying it is "normal" does not undermind how incredibly hard this can be to deal with. I've been doing everything by the book (Love & Logic) and there is no quick and easy fix. It recently came out that my daughter thought that there was an option for her to be with me or her father. She had been resenting me for years for making him go away but didn't want to say anything because if she went with him, she would hurt my feelings. All of this she came up with on her own. Since I've been able to explain to her that is not the case, our relationship has transformed. But whatever is going on in his head - normal developmental angst, emotional baggage or some diagnosable disorder - how you parent pretty much remains the same. So don't overanalyze what everything means because you will end up projecting your own emotions into the situation. Just try to be his rock.

I read one of your old posts, and I wonder if he has a sensory processing disorder. Yes, too much attention to meltdowns can make them blow up in your face - maybe that's the case. But some of the things you spoke of re. his sleeping problems and needing to be held make me wonder.

The meltdown seemed kind of normal, but he got stuck on a track. Trying to convince him or "help" him calm down doesn't either, because the input isn't going in right in kids with these problems. Nothing makes sense for them. Holding him and talking to him pushes him over the edge.

And telling a child not to be upset really does NOT make sense. How do we feel if we are upset and someone tells us not to be, especially if we feel we are right to be upset? We get MORE upset - so do kids.

When my son did this, I would say "I know your upset, let me know when you calm down." Let him be upset and let him know you are there for him when he calms down. To keep talking over and over and over and arguing with him just made it spiral more out of control. You were kind of in his face and in his space about it, so it seemed like THAT made him more upset.

If you have a chance, find the book "the Out of Sync Child" and see if it makes sense to you. ASD and Sensory processing often go together, but NOT ALWAYS, so he may NOT be on the spectrum, but his wiring may still be wacked out.

Don't think that you are stuck for years re. communication. He's 4 and he can speak. He may not be able to speak like an adult, but he will be able to tell you in his own words what's going on.

Oh man, I feel for you, because I know your pain. Our own daughter who is four, is just starting to come out of this thing. (knock on wood). Some other people have suggested just what I want to say as well.

Remove all items from his room, except his bed and dresser/clothes and put him up there as soon as it starts. Tell him that he needs time to himself and that when he's done he can come down to have a snack or something. Often they just need a snack to tide them until dinner.

You may need to hold the door shut the first few times if he tries to get out to continue it in front of you, but eventually he will get the picture and stay in his room by himself to let his temper roar about whatever set him off.

We did this and still do this for our daughter, telling her it's just time she needs for herself to get herself together. Usually it happens after a long day at preschool. When she's done, and it's really only a few minutes, sometimes even seconds, once she realizes she's not getting the attention, she comes downstairs to join in on the playtime or snacktime or whatever.

We don't ask her to explain herself, or apologize, unless she's hurt someone, and we just ignore it and move on.

You're giving him too much attention and tyring to hold him and shush him just will not work. I hope this helps.

Looks like a mild/normal tantrum to me.

I say mild because there ISN'T :

1- Full body (arched, every muscle rigid) red faced screaming

... Instead I saw a lot of self regulation of the tantrum as he switched between short bursts of words and half hearted physical action to give himself breaks in type... But also neither vocal nor physical were out of control or full on.

2- Long duration

... They may well have gone on longer, but anything under 20 minutes is a very short duration. 1-2 hours (fairly long), and 2-6hpurs for severe length in meltdown land. These 2-6+ hour durations are for a single meltdown, not a series of small meltdowns. Typically 1-2 hours is indicative of ADHD, and 2-6+ of ASD. Not a hard and fast rule, just a general guideline.

3- Loss of bodily control

... While he strikes out and thrashes (and later is pounding on the door), he's able to remain generally upright, and is able to direct his strikes where he wants them (at you or the door) aka is able to stay on target. There is no full body flail of wildly lashing arms, legs, and head with no target, nor is he fully prone (unable to right himself) due to full body flail.

4- serious self harm

... Examples of serious self harm would include repeatedly bagging head on floor until the skin is split open, and bleeding. Any injuries occurred appear to be accidental in nature

5- serious harm of others

... Examples would include penetrating bites of any person (arms, breasts, noses, whatever is by his face -and his face was held close to you on many occasions), yanking out hanks of hair with scalp attached, gouging out eyeballs, etc. instead there were nonforceful general hits/kicks/shoves.

_________

Not saying its not unacceptable... Just from what was filmed, that they appear to be a fairly normal kind of tantrum not really indicative of, say, an ADHD or ASD meltdown. Meaning, coming from an ADHD family, I'd still be chatting with you and cooking if I were over visiting. NOT meaning there might not also be a disorder in play, just that nothing set off my "Welcome to the club! Have some ibuprofen!" alarm bells.

I'm hesitant to give ADHD meltdown advice, because things that work on neurotypical a kids often make things waaaaay worse for ADHD, and vice versa.

However... 1 thing that crosses fairly well is NOT engaging / "talk about it" until AFTER they've calmed down. In ADHD, you're lucky if that's in an hour in the beginning. Continually trying to talk/explain/reason/etc. is generally not only a waste of time (they won't parse it) but also like adding oil to the fire.

And another is stepping up levels as they do, before things escalate.

Ex) start of meltdown...
Take a deep breath & count to 5
No! (Or continue repeating whatever they were repeating)
Okay! Timeout!! :D

Swift and immediate justice. Reasoning AFTER they're calm. With ADHD if you can short stop the tantrum, you might only be looking at a 10-20 minute timeout before they're calm. If you tripped from 0-60, though... It will be an hour or two.

I have a 'timeout compendium' on my computer ill toss up here in a couple days when I'm home.

I agree that your words to calm him may actually make it worse. I know that when I am upset and anyone tells me to calm down I just get more angry.

Check out the book "the explosive child."

Since you work in a public school, show this video to the social worker. Tell her you want all insight she can give you. Also let her know that you are open to constructive criticism if she sees anything about your parenting style that you can work on.

Not to sound mean but I mainly see this as a parenting issue, not a child issue. You should not hold anyone down, even a child, so long as no one is being harmed.

I'm happy to hear that not all the Doctors you saw would label your son, from what I see, I would not label him either. Of course I could totally be wrong.

I really think with the right guidance you can have that happy home you desire.

I watched the video and read your info about your family dynamic and your son's diagnoses. Honestly he does need to be removed to an area where he cannot cause harm to himself. Now, if he is harming himself by say biting or pinching himself that is something that does need to be overcome and worked on usually with an OT.

I do NOT believe that until he can properly tell you what's in his mind he cannot be helped. I myself am a parent to a nonverbal child whose meltdowns used to be and still are this bad from time to time. Listen to your child's cues. Allow him room to breathe and no matter why he's having a meltdown do not cater to him but rather allow him to have it alone in a safe environment.

I wish you the best.

I forced myself to watch the entire 4+minutes, and it was disturbing, because I am sad to say that I saw you as a big part of the problem Hon, from the very beginning. About 10 seconds into it, I was confused by your strategy to calm him down.

Have you ever disengaged from him during these meltdowns? Put him in a safe room, close the door and walk away and he can come out when he has calmed down. Period. Meaning, don't put him a space where he can break things. You have to be prepared. Set up a safe space...pillows only, 4 walls, a bean bag. Tell him ahead of time that this will be his new place for when he is upset because you can no longer hold him down and try to comfort him. If you were practicing Attachment Parenting as with adopted kids, then I would condone the technique you were using.

Do not continue to battle and reason with him during these moments. He is not reasonable. You were causing him to hyper ventilate because he was fighting for his freedom and you kept wrestling it away. Just let him flail on the ground and literally walk away. Walk outside. Remove yourself from his presence until he calms down and can refocus.

Do not feed into his irrational 4 year old temper tantrums. His comments are hurtful but harmless. He's lashing out. His dad is nowhere to be found it sounds. Your lives are in a state of flux. Give the guy some space to be upset and sad without your begging him to calm down.

When my kids are angry, I say, yeah, it happens. Let's go outside and scream. Or color an angry picture. Or throw a ball.

Do you take him the park on a daily basis? He really needs that physical outlet. You probably would enjoy it too!

My 3 year old dose this if she is not getting her way she is spoiled... She will go bananas is we are in a toy store and she dose not get everything she wants. It if my fault. I did it she was so sick as a baby I wanted to give her everything she wanted.. Now she is older and expects it! I am trying to stop the behavior. It is hard... I will try to hold her down to restrain. "she will also flop around" So she will not hurt herself.... Not saying your child is spoiled I do not know the family dynamic... What are the Doctors saying?.... Just saying... Mirror image of my little one wanting 5 barbie in not getting them... She is Spoiled...

M., my youngest DD has a history of explosive, uncontrolable tantrums, so I know your frustration. While your in the middle of one, my DD's counselor calls it a "tornado" I keep that term in mind a lot and it helps me put it in perspective. There is no way you can stop or reason with a tornado, you just have to get out of the way and wait for it to pass. Protect him and yourself and things from harm. And it will pass. My DD will reach out to attack me in a tantrum and yell that I am hurting her. Makes NO sense. Yet she's screaming it at me. There is no clear thinking at that moment. No reasoning will get through. Always remain calm and in control, though it isn't easy. I repeat a lot back of what she says so she knows I am listening to her, and use empthazing statements. Repeating statements, but not engaging argument. He should be seeing a good child counselor who can help him with his anxiety and anger. Counseling was very beneficial for my DD. Though she started at age 9, I wish we'd started earlier. I find it helpful to analyze the trigger afterward and make changes to prevent repeat episodes. Also, it helps to approach my DD with a whole lot of empathy. After she is fully calmed down, I let her know I care about her, and I don't want to see her get so very stressed out. I say I know this is so hard for you, would you like some help? I found that works so much better than a punative approach. Traditional rewards and consequences didn't work for my younger DD. She is wired differently. Do read "The Explosive Child" too. I'm sending you strength

What happens when you put him down and walk away? Put him on his bed in his room and leave him alone to calm down by himself?

To me it looks like it is hard for him to calm down when you are holding him and repeating 'shhh, calm down' over and over again. You are matching him in his words over and over. I am sure you know, well I know, when you are in a tissy and someone says 'calm down' that does not help in the slightest bit.

aw poor kiddo. and i'm sure it's been hard on you too.

these are just my thoughts - we didn't handle tantrums like this at all in our house. as soon as a 2-3 year old started the whining/demanding/fussing, it was, "sorry, but until you can talk nicely, i'm not listening." i'm not sure if it was your sister or you in the first video, but honestly, to keep trying to pacify and reason with a small child like that just doesn't compute with me - whatever "it" is that he's upset about, it is what it is. talking to him or trying to convince him not to be upset isn't going to happen....i don't know your answer. like i said we seem to have operated under just fundamentally different systems so i don't know what i would have done if it had escalated, because it didn't.

as far as the S. video, i would never, ever "lock" or physically restrain a child to a secluded room. if (and when) my son started acting out like this, i told him that until he could act nice, he must go to his room. and as long as the tantrum continued, i'd put him back in his room as many times as it took. it was exhausting and frustrating, and he was stubborn and tried to come out many, many times, but in the end he learned the the "place" for that kind of behavior was his room. he WAS free to come out -because he had control over his behavior. so when the behavior stopped he came out, it was over and done with.

just our experiences...i am also wondering what he was repeating 100x in the first video. no one tried to decipher it or even address it, and yet it was obviously the MOST important thing to him because he repeated it SOOO many times. it sounded to me like he just wanted to be heard.

again, not an expert by any means...but just my thoughts. hope they help. good luck.

oh, sorry, couple more things - first don't ever think a child this small is "blaming" you for anything - they don't know the concept. he is saying things to get a reaction out of you. i absolutely don't believe he "blames" you for anything.

and also, i don't understand why someone telling you it's about him not being able to communicate = 5-7 YEARS of this?? no! he's super verbal. listen to what he's saying. acknowledge it. help him if his pronunciation is a little off, or you can't quite make it out. TRY to understand what he's saying. he's communicating a ton. work on it with him. i bet he'd feel better if he felt you were trying to respect his feelings and thoughts on the matter at hand.

I watched the video.
And to me, this was not a real bad extreme "meltdown." His tantrum seems deliberate... not as though he is out of control. He seems deliberate about it.

Also, when he is like this, why do you keep hanging on to him and holding him and trying to talk to him? Why (in the video), are you both just still at the dining table and him sitting on the dining table?
If that were me, I would have, picked up my child, and taken him to another room, told him "when you are calmer let me know..." and then, left. Or put him time out.

When a kid is in a tantrum/meltdown, it is really not helpful, when the parent still tries to talk to them and hold them and engage with them and then asking questions and wanting an answer. The child is not able to coherently give an answer, because they are in the middle of a melt down.

Have you tried, just getting him some Therapy? for emotional management or coping skills? Has he ever gotten a developmental assessment? How is his communication ability? Does he go to Preschool or anything?

What do you and he do together? Maybe, he needs a lot of bonding with you. He is saying things to you that are opposite of what he is probably thinking. Kids often go through a stage where they say "I don't love you..." but they actually do. When a child is very young, you can take everything they say literally. And, little boys often play the "opposite" type games. My son is 6, and he has done that too. But, when he is cantankerous or in a bad mood... THAT is when, he needs me the most, and for me to just be, with him.

Also, how is your son's diet? Is he allergic to anything? Some foods/sugars/additives, can cause mood problems in people. Or if they are Hypoglycemic etc. It is not always a psychological reason.
So, have the Doctors, considered things like that?
OR is your son simply very tired or lacks sleep? It seems to rudimentary, but when my kids were younger, and if they lacked sleep or had late bedtime hours, THEY TURNED INTO Icky Moody Fussy kids that melted down.

Again, does your son go to Preschool or not?
If he does, does he do this there too?
Or, when you are not home, does your son act this way with EVERYONE????? Or not???
IF he does, then there probably is some chemical imbalance or something.
BUT, if your son does NOT act this way everywhere and anywhere nor with everyone or with friends... THEN... that means, he is ABLE TO CONTROL IT, and only does it with you. Because you are his Mom.

Also, does your son always hear, (directly or indirectly) that he does not have a Daddy? And that his Daddy abandoned him? And that is why you live with your parents and sister? If so, then your son probably has emotional issues because of it.

Also, your son just needs to learn some coping skills, when frustrated. And communication skills.
Kids do not come, automatically with these skills. It is taught.
And, if your son has a mental issue/OCD/ASD or anything else, then, what can the doctors do.

Does it appear he does not have control of his tantrums? I know that sounds like a strange but if it doesn't sound like a strange question to you I ask going with autism spectrum.

They appear to have no control because they have no control. The only thing that helps is structure, learning the triggers, and figuring out how to redirect.

My younger son has ADHD PDD NOS. I like to point out they missed a few letters. :p Yes my sense of humor keeps me sane. :) I don't believe I have seen anything as frightening as the temper.

You may have heard that letting children calm down in isolation helps them learn to self-soothe. The opposite is true. Brain development requires little ones to be soothed by someone else, and from that they develop the neural network to soothe themselves. If they don't develop this neural network in infancy, whether because they are left to cry or for some other reason, they will need your help to develop it during childhood.

The next time your son has a meltdown, see it as an opportunity to help his develop the ability to self soothe. How? The most effective parenting tool there is: Empathy.

Instead of sending his off somewhere to calm down when she starts to lose it, stay with her. Being alone when she’s that upset won’t teach his what she needs to learn. She needs to borrow your strength and calm. Remind yourself to keep breathing, not to take anything she says or does personally, and how much you love her.

Does it seem like she's over-reacting? She almost certainly is. Children store up their big, scary feelings, waiting for a safe place to discharge them. Some children are especially sensitive. Some just have a big "backpack" of pent-up emotion that they need to release; these kids -- like your son -- react with tantrums to provocations that seem slight to us. So while you may not see the reason for such a big reaction, see it as a chance to help your son work through some feelings that she hasn't been able to manage. Usually, once children feel safe enough to let these feelings out, they use every opportunity to cry for a week or so. In between, and thereafter, they're calmer, sweeter, and happier. Letting our kids cry in the safety of our arms or presence is one of the greatest gifts we can give them. And because it transforms our relationship with them into one of deeper trust, it's also a gift to ourselves.

How can you do this? Start by taking a deep breath to calm down. You're disappointed the marshmallows dropped. And now you're probably exasperated at your son's dramatic response to such a minor incident. But you've been showing his those feelings his whole life and it hasn't helped his to regulate his emotions. So let's try something new, which begins with you regulating your own emotions so you can stay calm and comforting with her.

Start by trying to see things from his perspective, and reflect his feelings to show him you’re trying to understand: "Oh my goodness, you didn't mean for the marshmallows to fall on the ground. You didn’t realize what would happen when you threw them. And then I snapped at you. Now you feel so terrible…” (At this point she is likely to wail louder, because your acceptance of his feelings lets his really feel them.)

“I see how upset you are right now. You’re crying so hard. You probably wonder if I’m mad at you, too, and that scares you.” (Now you have to be truthful –you were indeed mad when the marshmallows fell, and your tone of voice let him know it. You also have to get over that, because it really is unimportant in the scheme of things.) “I do feel bad, because I wanted a marshmallow -- but don't worry, I'll get over my disappointment. Your feelings are a lot more important to me than a bag of marshmallows.”

Now you may owe him an apology: “I’m sorry I spoke so sharply when you dropped them. I know you didn’t do it on purpose.”

Could she have walked over with them? Of course. But this is not the time to be sure she has learned that lesson. That’s much later, probably tomorrow, when you’re all calm and feeling good. And all it will take is one question, asked with a genuine smile of commiseration, something along the lines of “Next time you have to pass someone the bag of marshmallows, what do you think is the best way to do that?”

As your son begins to feel understood, she will eventually begin to calm down. By then, you should be hugging him and reassuring him that you love her. That’s when you say something like “I’m so sorry you got so upset. Mostly I want to get back to that nice feeling the three of us had, sitting by the fire together. Do you think you’re ready to calm down and snuggle with me and watch the fire?”

At this point you may be thinking that you’ll be letting your son get away with being lazy and careless in his marshmallow-passing skills, not to mention throwing tantrums. But kids don’t learn by being criticized. They learn to be considerate in passing the marshmallows by seeing our instantly disappointed face as the marshmallows fall to the ground. Adding criticism to that just makes them defensive. Judgment is developed from experience, and often good judgment develops from bad experience. They’re motivated to get up to pass us the bag because they love us, and they’ve learned through experience that the risk isn’t worth disappointing us.

And the tantrums? Kids have tantrums because they’re overwhelmed with emotions they can’t control. They need help from a parent to learn how to regulate those emotions. Because your son didn’t learn this valuable skill earlier in life, it may take him some time – a year, even, of your using this technique every time she has a meltdown. But if you commit yourself to empathizing every single time she’s even a little upset, I guarantee you that not only will she stop having meltdowns, she will become the kind of person who would walk across town to bring you the marshmallows, and who would never taunt his sister when she’s upset.
http://www.ahaparenting.com/ask-the-doctor-1/8-year-old-t...

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http://www.ahaparenting.com/Default.aspx?PageID=1276804&a...

I was also going to suggest Sensory Processing Disorder. My daughter was diagnosed at 7 y/o. For 3+ years, we did behavioral therapy which didn't help at all. Once she was diagnosed, we went gluten free, and noticed a huge difference in her aggressive behavior. We go to OT as well as a therapist.....things are so much better. She will always have SPD and will always be "her", but at least we know what we are dealing with and can understand her and work with her better than before.

Not saying your child has SPD, but something to look into.

Have you ever thought of the Autism spectrum of disorders. The doctors you listed aren't the ones who do that kind of testing. You need a specialist in the area. Or a psychiatrist, my daughter is on meds for violent meltdowns and the psychiatrist put her on them. Our area has a clinic that specialized in Autism and disorders along that line, they have helped alot.

it's time to get the video camera out of your child's face and start holding him. Sensory Integration Disorder is real and will only get worse with time. I know because my son is 8 and was diagnosed at 2...he seemed miserable about things that other kids should like. Tags, water, sand, sounds, lights, itchy, scratchy, everything seemed to bother him and we as the parents were there as the target if these problems didn't get remedied. OT can and will help if you find the right one. Brushing method, compressions, trampoline, weighted blankets should always be at your disposal. Good luck and please let us know how this works. BTW, no more videos, for your sons sake.

I didn't watch the video but you may as well have been describing my son up until about 6 months ago. Full on meltdowns that could last for hours, blaming e wry one else for his actions. The house I'm renting have huge damage from these tantrums. I've been bruised more than once. On and on...

A therapist that I was seeing recommended that I check out the Beyond Consequences Institute (Google it for the website) and she gave me Heather Forbes' book "Beyond Consequences, Love, and Logic, dealing with children with severe emotional and behavioral problems" (that last word on the title might be wrong). Anyway, I started following her methods in the book. When he wasn't tantrumming, we discussed personal responsibility. My son is very young for his age emotionally so these conversations were usually like:
Me: "Who broke the lamp when you were having a fit?"
Kid: "I guess me. But you shouldn't have [insert blame here]."
Me: "Did I touch the lamp?"
Kid: "No."
Me: "who made the choice to touch the lamp?"
Kid: "Not me."
Me: "the person who threw the lamp made the choice to break it. No one made him do it. Were you scared when you threw the lamp?"
Kid: "Yes."
Me: "what were you scared about?"
Kid: "I don't know."
Me: "was it related to home, school, the past, or something else?"
After he chose one of those choices, I gave a more detailed list and he chose. He couldn't verbalize his feelings on his own. So the lists gave him a way. Then we got one of those picture emotion charts and put it on the wall and he could point to the face he was feeling when the tantrum happened. In the end, it has always been a fear or disappointment based anger/ fit. It took about 18 months for the meltdowns to totally stop. They got less severe by degrees. Over that time, he's also gotten to where he can verbalize some emotions but it's still a struggle. Now if we go through the list, he can't just say "that one" to he option he chooses. I have him repeat the words. Often he will refuse. So I quit talking and wait until he does. Somehow this is helping him to be able to verbalize without help more often. Also it seems to help him with taking responsibility for his actions. Two weeks ago he got upset and was very disrespectful and I said,"Hey that was rude. What is going on?" He said, "I'm disappointed becquse...." I was so surprised that he said it all on his own. The therapist says to give emotional rewards when they get it right so I told him it was a great job identifying and explaining. That really encouraged him.

Anyway, based on my experience, I totally recommend the book plus a push in personal responsibility.

Updated

I didn't watch the video but you may as well have been describing my son up until about 6 months ago. Full on meltdowns that could last for hours, blaming everyone else for his actions. The house I'm renting have huge damage from these tantrums. I've been bruised more than once. On and on...

A therapist that I was seeing recommended that I check out the Beyond Consequences Institute (Google it for the website) and she gave me Heather Forbes' book "Beyond Consequences, Love, and Logic, dealing with children with severe emotional and behavioral problems" (that last word on the title might be wrong). Anyway, I started following her methods in the book. When he wasn't tantrumming, we discussed personal responsibility. My son is very young for his age emotionally so these conversations were usually like:
Me: "Who broke the lamp when you were having a fit?"
Kid: "I guess me. But you shouldn't have [insert blame here]."
Me: "Did I touch the lamp?"
Kid: "No."
Me: "who made the choice to touch the lamp?"
Kid: "Not me."
Me: "the person who threw the lamp made the choice to break it. No one made him do it. Were you scared when you threw the lamp?"
Kid: "Yes."
Me: "what were you scared about?"
Kid: "I don't know."
Me: "was it related to home, school, the past, or something else?"
After he chose one of those choices, I gave a more detailed list and he chose. He couldn't verbalize his feelings on his own. So the lists gave him a way. Then we got one of those picture emotion charts and put it on the wall and he could point to the face he was feeling when the tantrum happened. In the end, it has always been a fear or disappointment based anger/ fit. It took about 18 months for the meltdowns to totally stop. They got less severe by degrees. Over that time, he's also gotten to where he can verbalize some emotions but it's still a struggle. Now if we go through the list, he can't just say "that one" to he option he chooses. I have him repeat the words. Often he will refuse. So I quit talking and wait until he does. Somehow this is helping him to be able to verbalize without help more often. Also it seems to help him with taking responsibility for his actions. Two weeks ago he got upset and was very disrespectful and I said,"Hey that was rude. What is going on?" He said, "I'm disappointed becquse...." I was so surprised that he said it all on his own. The therapist says to give emotional rewards when they get it right so I told him it was a great job identifying and explaining. That really encouraged him.

Anyway, based on my experience, I totally recommend the book plus a push in personal responsibility.

I watched the video. Looks like your son does not want something... nanny to go out? I was not able to get it straight... but, what worked for me is to emphasize with those really strong feeling kids have. First, you say : "I know, it is very sad, I understand, you want her to stay." Repeat that and other things that describe his behavior, like "I know you feel angry, sad, but she has to leave. Let's see how we can get through this, or how can we say goodby better" or some other thing that will show him;
1. You are getting why he is angry
2. Help him control it
This works with my son - it takes the fight out of him, he lets the true feeling (sadness or frustration out). Sometimes, if he still feels restless, we play a game, I let him punch the huge pillow. Punch it, kick it, then I start making funny voices for the pillow and we end up laughing...
Good luck to you and your little guy.
Oh, yeah, I forgot. I definitively second the opinion below on getting your child checked for allergies/food sensitivities. Cutting out the wrong foods did miracles for my older boy.