Scared to Sleep in Own Bed

At age 11 (me 10) my sister was still sleeping in my room with me because she didn't like to sleep alone. No trauma to either of us, she just didn't like to sleep alone :) I don't blame you daughter for being scared due to trauma!! It's also hard being the last one left in the house after all the siblings are gone. I highly recommend some kind of counseling for both of you though. I also recommend a dog if able. I know when my husband is gone my dogs are the only reason I feel ok being alone at night!

If you are at all inclined to step out of the mainstream: Homeopathy is the answer to your daughter's problem. Available at all natural foods stores, co-ops and some vitamin shops, ask for ASPEN. Aspen is a Bach Flower remedy that works wonders for FEAR. Put four drops in water or juice each day for her and you will see her relax and change almost (or literally) overnight.

If you are having trouble finding it in your neighborhood, there are dozens of stores in the Twin Cities that carry it. I would be happy to guide you to one close by.

Question?

Do you have dream catchers in her room or in your house?

C.

How scary!! Um first I just want to say that I think that it is a prefectly normal thing for her to not want to sleep alone. My cousin was a Fire Cheif (at the time his ex's house was on fire) He was called to the scene to find his oldest son (at that time Kyle was 11 years old) standing outside his ex wifes home, while his younger son who had went back in for the family dog, burnt to death inside. The Fire was so out of control at the time he arrived he could not reenter the home to save him. The days that followed even the year or so that followed his son slept in bed with him, until he was comfortable to be sleeping on his own. I think that it just takes a lot of time for things like that to be put to rest. I cant give you any advice on what to do because I think that it is a situation to situation basis, I do believe that something like that to a ten year old is very scary and to give her the time to recovery from it.
Does she talk to anyone about it? Maybe that would help her or maybe not? I wish you the best of luck!!

Well in some ways it sounds perfectly normal to have that response after that break in....I know some people dont want to go this direction, but I wonder if you'd consider taking her for counseling. I am a therapist myself and have helped many kids/families through these kinds situations. You may just have child who is on the anxious side and the break in was enough to push things over the edge a bit, but if she was going to work through it on her own she probably would have by now. Anxiety usually gets worse, not better if untreated because we do things that make us feel better but dont really solve the problem. Having said all that, some people just are anxious and sleeping alone is hard..ask yourself about other aspects of her personality and functioning. How is she doing over all? Does she have nightmares, is she jumpy and easily startled? Does she worry too much? These are other indications that anxiety is too high for her to manage on her own. Good luck!!

Hi M.! I was just like your daughter growing up but probably a but more severe. In fact, I would often sleep on the floor in my parent's room (lucky them!) until I was about 13 years old. I was just always a child who was scared of the dark and the "boogy man". I have no idea why but from what I'm told I was always that way. It was tough on me and my parents - I could never spend the night at a friend's house. If I tried my poor parents would always get that 1:00am phone call to come and get me. The way I got passed it was in small steps. I started by at least going to bed in my own room - lights on, with a radio on low (helped me feel that I wasn't alone hearing the music and dj). If I woke up I would shuffle into my folks room and make a little bed on the floor. After a while I learned to go back to sleep when I woke up. After a while we went to just a night-light instead of the overhead light. Then a while after that we finally turned the radio off. This was over the course of about a year. But it did work. I'm happy to say that once I grew up and got a place of my own - by myself - I was happy as a clam.

My situation may be more severe than your daughter's and I hope yours resolves a lot more quickly, but if none of the other suggestions work, I just thought I'd offer my experience to share. Best wishes to you both!

Dear M. F,
When our daughter was 4 years old and our son was 9 years old, we moved from a small city to the country. Both kids loved being able to play outside and have animals and everything. The kids' bedrooms is on the second floor and our bedroom is on the first floor. Everything was going well for a few months, when the 4 year old started coming and wanting to sleep in our bed. She was a very "clingy" child, so we reassured her and we let her for a while, then started taking her upstairs and putting her to bed again. Generally we would find her sleeping on the floor beside our bed again in the morning. We finally gave up and put a blanket on the floor for her. She would also want to hold my hand until she fell alseep.
Anyway.... we found out that her brother had told her (as a joke) that burglars could break into our new house and take her. Talk about being mad at the son!!!! Our daughter slept on our floor until she was 10 or 11. After she got over her anxiety she turned to agression, and we finally saw the light and got her some therapy. When she moved back to her room (before the agression) we let her redecorate and wallpapered the room in teddy bears. When the agression and rebellion hit (12-13 years) we let her paint the room black. Anyway, the therapy really helped her.
Mama P

Mary,
I'm so sorry for what you and your daughter have gone through! My 10-year-old daughter also doesn't feel safe in her own bed, but I don't know why, other than viewing some scary shows on Court TV without my knowledge. My daughter will sleep in her room most nights, but there are some nights when she insists on sleeping on the top bunk in her big brother's room or on the floor in our bedroom.

I don't know where you stand spiritually, but praying every night with my daughter helps. We've also memorized Bible verses about God's perfect love casting out all fear, God's promise to protect us and never leave us, etc. I have also taught her to pray in her own words to Jesus, to tell Him what she is feeling and then to listen for what He wants to say to her. Often in these times, she hears words of assurance and love and is able to sleep soundly in her own bed.

You both have my deep sympathy and prayers. It's only been a year, so I would give her some time. Perhaps visiting a counselor would help her?

Hi
That had to be very scary for everyone. I think you need to take her to a theripst and have her work through this fear. I as a adult still do not like to sleep alone due to unresolved childhood memories. That I am now working through it has been very helpful and until she is comfortable sleeping alone you will need to let her sleep in your room. Good Luck :) T.

If I was 11 and went through what your daughter did I wouldn't want to sleep alone either. If she was my child I would seek professional help immediatly. An experience like that can be very traumatic for a child. Have you gotten her any help at all since the incident? Good luck to you!

I can only say what I would do, cause I've not been there. If it were my child, I'd connect with her at a time when it relaxed and easy. I would open some dialog about this event. She probably remembers your surprise and fear during and after that wild night. So, I'd connect with that time. Something like this:
<<<"Remember when that time when we were safe in our hotel room, and that confused man pounded on the wrong door? I'd like to talk to you a little about that b/c I think you still remember it. I was surprised by it; remember how you felt? I love that we had a safe hotel room. I love that our home is safe and warm. Homes have locks of their doors to help keep confused or not welcome people out...especially at night when we are all safe and warm, in our own places peacefully sleeping. We are trusting our home to keep us safe and sound, to hold us peacefully while we sleep." >>
I feel like that is a place to start. Not even going to the coxing into her own bed yet. After a few conversations about that event and how safe you were/are and how peaceful night sleeps really are...you could venture to explore the FUN one can have in their own magical special sleeping nest~ Good luck to you..sweet dreams!

I used to feel the same way when I was young. I had a platform below my window and was always afraid someone would break in. Do you have an alarm on your house? You could take her around the house and let her watch you lock all the doors and windows and turn on the alarm. If you don't have a house alarm, they have some that you put a battery in and turn on. There is a little arm on it and the closed window holds the arm open. When the window opens, the arm closes and sounds off an alarm. This may work for her....I've even seen them at stores such as Dollar General and those type places. Or make your own alarm. Something that would make enough noise to wake her up if the windows moved. It might be ok to even buy her some pepper spray to keep next to her bed. That might make her feel safer. Just make sure she feels comfortable talking to you about it...and don't undermine her feelings or tell her that they are silly. Good Luck.

Your daughter needs some counselling. It probably won't take that long. But you are doing the right thing by comforting her. However, at some point it could turn from comfort to controlling, so you need to watch for that.
You really don't want this to turn into a terrible phobia, either.
You can get a good security system that isn't too expensive and show her that if someone does try to break in that the alarm will go off and Daddy will protect her and you will call the police who will be there quickly, just like last time. Nothing bad happened.
After a year, she is probably going to have to have counselling to deal with it. Letting her go that long has probably led her to believe that there really is something to fear. There IS, but it isn't controlable, so we shouldn't dwell on it, and she needs help to get there.

Hi M.,
That must have been so traumatic for all of you. I can understand how your daughter would feel scared, even now at night. TV is the worst for feeding into that terror that I think for the most part a lot of people feel, especially woman. There are so many shows that show men overpowering women, that I have to admit, I am scared a lot of the time too. I feel a lot better now that we put an alarm system into our house...it's given me a little more peace of mind. Also, I took a self defense course that made me feel a bit more assured that if I was attacked, I have some knowledge about what I would do. It is horrible that many of us live with this fear. I think we learn from all things, unfortunately fear too. Working on your daughter's self confidence is probably the most important thing to do. You know your daughter...what can you do to build up her self confidence, which may help to increase her feelings of being safe. I'm not sure, this is just what came to my mind. K.

What an awful thing to happen to you guys, and especially your daughter. Very traumatic, I'm sure. Have you ever thought about doing child or family counceling about it? It obviously impacted her very much, and it's been a long time. I don't know what else to suggest. Good luck.

I am 34 and still can't sleep when my husband is out of town. I hate to be alone at night. It calls for a different approach than when they are little, in my opinion.

I would sit down with her and create a plan together. Explain that you want your daughter to feel safe and comfortable in her own room & bed.

Talk to her about what happened at the hotel. If she cannot seem to work through her feelings, you may want to get her some professional help. It probably won't take more than a few sessions and many insurances will cover them, if not 100%, at least with a copay.

Brainstorm what you can do to help her feel safe at night.

It may include walking with her around the house and locking every window and door. It may include calling Brinks or ADT and installing a system. (If you can't afford the system, get your hands on the stickers and yard signs. That is generally enough of a deterant that a robber will not bother and go find someone else.) She may need the lights on, music on, doors open, etc.

If you are religious people, remind her she can pray for strength and peace, comfort and a good night's sleep. One of my most profound spiritual experiences was when I was about 12-13, I was home alone and there was a very roundy party going on next door in our rough neighborhood. Prayer has amazing power.

Also, be careful what she is reading / watching, especially before bed. If she watches scary / adventure movies with a lot of suspense, they may need to stop, at least for a while.

Hope you find a solution soon,
S.

i can totally see why she would be afraid to sleep alone. i would suggest starting doing a little at a time. maybe lay in her bed until she is asleep and sneak away. assuming she of course sneaks back to your bed, you may want to leave her there, and head to her bed. course, that leaves your husband in bed with her, and the object is to have her alone. you'll have to continue to reassure her that what happened at the hotel is because all the doors are in the same hallway, and the guy was confused and didn't know where he was going. very unlikely that it'll happen at home.

i have a friend who's daughter in now 13, and it was about the age 11 1/2-12 that she finally slept on her own. her reason was memories of something terrible that happened from her father as a very young child. so my point is, it'll take time. be patient and reassuring and it should work it's way out. maybe give her small prized for each hour she sleeps in her own bed, then eventually each day she sleeps in her own bed.

just suggestions. good luck!!

You are not alone. Only it happend in our home, and while we were in bed. It is a hard thing to get the kids over, when you are getting over it too. I started doing a night time ritual for a while. We did a check list for saftey. Doors locked? check! Windows in kids room locked? Check! Don't go into too much detail, you'll be up forever. That helps feel more secure. Then maybe if she is in to Stuffed animals get one for her, a big huggy one. Tell her how it is just for her and you picked it out. Something special from Mom and something to hug tight. I don't think we ever outgrow needing that.
It will get better.
:-)

Hi Mary,

Wow, that had to have been scarey!

I don't know what I would do. I rely on my dogs. Do you have any dogs?

That's what I would recommend. At least she would have a pet to sleep with and get her mind off of the window.

Having a dog would alert her if anything is coming into her room. I know ours do. Any movement outside and the dogs are barkign up a storm.

If you can't have dogs where you live, have you thought of an alarm system on her windows? Have you asked your daughter what she thinks would help her feel safe in her own room? She probably would have more answers than us moms!

Best wishes,

J.

First of all, have you tried praying? Does she sleep with her door open? That may make her feel more connected to you and not out there alone in that closed-off space. If she's on the second-floor, keep reassuring her you live in a safe place. Help her to rationalize that crimes don't happen where you live. Will she go in her room during the day? It's just as safe at night as it is during the day.

I'm 27 and I STILL hate being alone at night. When my husband worked 2nd shift, I'd stay up till 1am till he got home even though I worked at 6am. We live on the second floor of a highly secured building, and I had every deadbolt locked. I was still worried.

Do you have a Neighborhood Watch or other local organization that deals with neighborhood safety? Maybe have your daughter look into things that could keep your family safe to give her a feeling of empowerment. I know there is a coating you can buy at hardware stores that goes on like a film on the inside of your windows to make them shatter-proof. The window will still "spiderweb" when hit, but won't break. You could also take her to a self-defense class. I took one when I was in sixth grade and it still serves me well to this day.

I watch "It Takes a Thief" on Discovery Channel and they have some great ideas on how to keep your home safe from intruders. Maybe you all could sit down as a family and see which apply to you (I don't know if you own or rent, so some things may apply better than others). I've found that being informed has helped me deal with my own fears better than anything else.

http://dsc.discovery.com/fansites/ittakesathief/tips/link...

Good luck, I hope you and your family find something to ease her mind. I'll be praying for you all. :)

M.: i beleive if your daughter was 21 or even 35 and had a close call like that , you would be three for her and protect her, thats our parents job, as parents that how our children get over fears and things, its ok let her be secure, if that means sleeping with her or whatever works, we all need that security especially from people we feel secure around, there is nothing wrong in protecting your child and helping her work through her fears, i know if it happened to me i would want to be where i was secure, or feel secure. at any age, as parents we help them through these times, its perfectly ok to make them feel secure, and work through their issues, let her know how you feel, and have her talk more about it, put a lock on her window, our one son kinda thought the same thing, once, my husband had a old camera, he hung up in the room and we told him it would scare off any people who wanted to come in, it was not hooked up , but it gave him the sense of security , maybe put bars on her window too, whatever she needs to feel secure, nothing like having aloss of security and you cant get it back im sure she is not happy with how she feels either, but cant help it, just be there for her, sounds like you are a good mom, keep up the good work, D. s

I don't blame her a bit for being scared!!! Has she had any counseling to talk through the incident? I'd make up a bed or couch somewhere closer to you, wherever she feels comfortable. My husband travels, so sometimes my kids sleep with me, and personally I don't see anything wrong with that. They want the comfort and security of knowing I'm near. I'd do whatever it takes to get her over this time, since it is such a critical developmental period and forcing the issue of sleeping alone could adversely impact her feelings of security for the future.

SAHM of seven, 23yr - 17 mos.

I am not an expert, and perhaps you should speak to a specialist, but I do remember a few years ago watching a morning show dealing with kids and fears. The psychiatrist on the show said that it is not unusual for 11 year old kids to go through a period of intense fear - of being alone, of going to new places, of strangers, etc - for a period of time. He said that it is specific to this age, and should not last too long. I remember this because it rang a bell - when I was 11 I was terrified of strangers and of going to hotels. A coworker of mine last year talked of her 11 year old who would not stay home alone after school. Perhaps your daughter's situation is unique because of the past trauma of the break in, but perhaps this is a normal, age appropriate stage?

Good luck!