I talk to a Grandma at my son's school in the morning. We knew each other all through the Kindergarten year and now my son and her grandson are in 1st grade. She is the absolute sweetest lady and she is raising her 2 grand children. I told her that I needed to get a warmer coat for my son. (I didn't mean I can't afford it, but simply I need to get my butt to the store!) She took it as me trying to get the money and so the other day she comes and tells me that she is going to buy my son a coat! I replied with, "Oh you don't have to do that!" She continued to insist and I could see she was determined and I told her bless her heart!
I felt that if I told her I could get it that I would be offending her. She seemed so determined to do this good deed I didn't have the heart to tell her no. But... I don't need the charity. I think she is the sweetest lady ever! Instead of potentially offending her I thought perhaps I could accept the gift and the pay it forward and do a good deed of my own. I also thought that I would bake some cookies or pie or something as a thank you. (she has told me that she is terrible at baking) I thought I would have my son make her a card to go with the thank you gift.
What would you mamas do? Accept and pay it forward? Or thank her and tell her that you can get him a coat on your own?
Added: yes, by accept and pay it forward I mean accept the coat, ensure she sees him wearing it and do another good deed such as donations to the women's shelter, donating another coat, food bank, etc.
I'm kinda a wuss and didn't want her to think she was being refused, but I like what my last poster said about it not feeling right. That's I guess why I asked the question b/c I didn't feel right about it. So... I told her that my mom was in town today and bought him a bunch of new clothes and a coat. So, now she knows he has a coat and is none the wiser and I don't have to go into that it was a misunderstanding etc. I thanked her and I think I am still going to bake her something to show my appreciation for her kind heart. She is a wonderful woman. :-) Also, I am still going to pay it forward and do something kind such as a food bank donation or coat for the coat drive :-)
BRAVO Lisa C....
this makes me want to pay it forward for you/along side in my town...hmmm...that maybe something my Girl Scouts could do! Love it thanks...
And whatever you decide to do you can now know that someone else is going to pay it forward too!
I would be most worried about making her feel bad. I say accept the coat, bake something for her, and definitely pay it forward. This was a nice thing on her part, and as you said, she seems so determined and will herself feel some pride- don't take that away from her. Sweet lady!! Nice of you to worry about this...
Wow, this is a really tough question. You don't want her to feel rebuffed.
Here's an option:
You could say to her, "I think what you want to do is the most amazing, thoughtful gesture, but we really can afford our son a coat. I just haven't had time to go get it. However, I am so touched by your kindness that I was wondering if we could go coat shopping together. We can each get a coat and donate them to a homeless shelter, children's home, or even the school because I know they have kids here that really can't afford a coat this winter. That way instead of one child getting a coat, two children will. Thank you so much for reminding me about the importance of charity."
You could gently remind her that you really don't need her help with the coat but that you are sure a "coat drive" will be coming up shortly and she should donate a coat to that cause instead. Give her a hug for her thoughtfulness. And bake her something for the sweet lady she is.
What Lisa C. said! Perfect!
God Bless,
A.
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I pay it forward on a regular basis.
I would recommend that in this case you pay it forward, but not necessarily in kind (i.e. coat for coat). I would also give her a simple thank you note and what ever you are real good at baking based on what she likes. A pie, cookies, cake or whatever would be kind.
ADDED: If you like Lisa C's answer (and it's very good), go to Salvation Army or Good Will or a consignment shop to buy coats. Your dollar goes so much further and you can do more good.)
Good luck to you and yours.
Accept and pay it forward. And definitely bake her something. :)
Wow... Lisa C. - perfect answer!
Accept the coat. If you are a person who gives, then you know the importance of being allowed to show your love in that way. That's selfish to keep the blessing of giving all to yourself, or to try to control how it happens. Unless it is going to be harmful or otherwise goes against a fundamental belief that you are trying to teach, I think that you should allow her to get her "blessing" by "blessing" you. Keep in mind that this is what happens when you "pay it forward". Don't do good deeds and be kind to people and then not expect or accept kindness pointed in your direction.
(Can you see me shaking my finger at you?)
I couldn't agree with Lisa C. more!! If you are friendly with this woman and will continue seeing her, she may continue to try to help you out because it sounds like she is really nice and charitable. I would not accept it. (in a nice way as Lisa suggested)
Tell her thank you so much,,, take the coat,, and take her and the boys to lunch after school one day. Make sure she knows its "your treat" and pay it forward every chance you can in any way that comes up. What a nice lady she is.
If it were me, I'd accept the coat (hopefully it's your taste. There are certain colors I don't like.) So accept, write a thank you with a pic of him wearing the coat, with the cookies great idea since she's not a baker. Then pay it forward somehow. Perhaps keep an eye out for a little boy at your school who doesn't wear a jacket on those cold days. If he's smaller than your son, you could easily give him a hand-me-down.
ADDED: Yea - Lisa's answer is really good. My biggest throw-back to accepting the jacket is that it'll be ugly and you'll be stuck with an ugly coat all year. Plus she may want to give you more ugly clothes too. My mom (grandma) buys things that just aren't my taste for my son. And I'm stuck having my son wear it at least once.
Who's to say she thinks you need charity. She might just be a nice person. I mean the way you phrased it I don't see how she could have taken it any other way.
Anyways, yes I'd accept her gift. It's pry a thanks for being my friend sort of gift anyways. Some people just like to show their affections with gifts. If you have over heard her saying she is terrible at baking then I'd bake her a nice big plate of cookies or a pie you are exceptional at. Sounds like a wonderful idea. I also wouldn't forget her come Christmas. I'm sure she could use some cookies or confections you bake for the holidays for being such a good friend.
Sounds like you found a good friend! I'm jealous!! hehe!! They are so hard to come by sometimes.
I see you have updated the post and have been in the same situation. When my son was ill and hospitalized a bunch of coworkers secretly gathered money and purchased gas and grocery gift cards for me. Yes money is/was tight and I am a single parent but the gesture was very kind and thoughtful. So I opted to pay it forward. Kept the cards for emergency situation, like the next time my son was hospitalized and then did something kind for another person.
I like what you ended up doing, but my suggestion (just my opinion) would be to accept the coat and then buy a coat as you planned to for your child and donate it to a shelter or coat drive.
I really like what you have come up with it-it will do her heart good to do something nice for your son and you can say something like: "that was so sweet of you to do that for us, you've inspired me to pass it on and we're buying a new coat for..." (a certain charity or something). I really like your idea of baking her something too. What a great way to say thank you!
Definitely bake her something as a thank you!
By accept and pay it forward, do you mean to accept the coat she buys but to then give that same coat to a shelter or someone else in need? I don't think that would work.
Since her grandson and your son are in the same class she will be seeing him quite often and she'll expect to see him wear the coat that she purchased.
If you mean that you would buy a different coat and donate that different coat that would be great.
M.
