Hi, I would LOVE any and all advice on how to deal with my 3 1/2 year old daughter. She is very sassy, defiant, and can be extremely rude at times. She only listens to me about 30% of the time. Her M.O. these days seems to be to push me over the edge. There are some days where I feel like a behavioral "police officer", constantly telling her no or putting her in time out. She doesn't seem to care about time outs very much, so sometimes we resort to taking her toys away. Today she misbehaved at preschool, and her teacher attempted to put her in time out, and she talked back to her teacher, which she has never done before. Her teacher also told me that she has started bossing all the other kids at school around, and that some of them are refusing to play with her now.I am afraid she will continue to escalate and become an unpleasant person. When she is being good, she is a very funny, sweet and affectionate little girl--she is not always naughty! But the times when she is make it hard to enjoy the times when she isn't.
Read the book: Raising A Spirited Child. Sorry I don't remember the author. I borrow it to many of my friends and every single one of them has gotten good information and help from the book for their situation. Worked for us!
I agree it is a part of growing up, kids are in constand discovery "I wonder what will happen if I give mommy a kiss, I wonder what will happen if I say please and thankyou, I wonder what will happen if I throw my self on the ground saying 'I want it-I want it! I want it! I want it!"
And hopefully they do outgrow it, however there is something you can do to raise the odds of there outgrowing it. (I'm going to sound like an infameritial (lol)).
But Im a love and logic mom and facilitator. I teach it to parents in elementary schools in the evenings because I love it, believe in it and want to learn more.
Check out the web site
http://www.loveandlogic.com/
On the Left side, click on "free audio downloads" and listen to the funny parenting stories.
My advise to you would be to purchase the CD's "Love & Logic magic for early childhood" and "Toddlers and Pre-schoolers"
http://www.loveandlogic.com/ecom/c-24-favorite-audios-of-...
I think to many parents underestimate the intelligence of there kids and treat them dumber than the family pet. I've heard parents say "My daughter is only 3, I'll start laying down rules when she's older and can understand" Or "What can you teach an 18 mo old? or Even a 9 month old?".
Kids are very smart and can start learning at a very young age. And the sooner, the better for you and the child.
I'd learn the "Oh-oh song", & Learn how to defuse arguments. (All taught in the CD’s and Books of “Love and Logic”
Remember -Anger and frustration feed mis-behavior- That’s a very important rule, ever notice when you get angry, the child just retaliates even more, no child says "You know mom, that makes a lot of sense, your right, I'm going to take your advice and stop doing that now".
One trap I see parents get into with there little geniuses Is when a child learns what the “Oh-oh” song is and what happens when it’s sang. They immediately turn on the good behavior and say “I’m sorry mommy, I’m sorry, I wont do that again”, Then mom says “Ok” and doesn’t follow through with the “Oh-Oh” routine. The child (once again) has learned how to manipulate the situation in his/her favor.
So my advice in that situation is to say “Oh good, I’m so glad you learned,” as you swoop them up and put them in there room. That’s when you’ll find out how sincere the child is in his/her apology.
If I was caught for speeding and got pulled over and the cop came up to my window and I said “I’m sorry, I won’t do it again”. What are the odds he’d say “Ok, good, but three strikes your out missy”. Nope, I’d most likely hear him say “Good to hear, it will cost you a lot less money if you have” as he’s handing me a ticket with a smile on his face.
Love and Logic is a concept of teaching the kids how to live in the Real World, by experiencing natural consequences while the Price Tag Is Still Small, so that it wont be such a shock to them when they’re older AND so that they will learn how to be good decision makers by the time there decisions could mean life or death.
We deliver natural consequences with a smile on our face and love in our hearts, which can feel hard to do at first because we just want to rip them a new one (especially as they get older), but we get farther when we give lots of empathy “Oh that’s so sad” or “What a bummer”, Then they can focus on there actions instead of our reaction to there actions.
And it also gets easier when you know “The road to wisdom is paved in mistakes” and that every painful situation is a great learning opportunity, when the child makes a mistake, or misbehaves or what ever, just think ‘Oh yea, I get to have another lesson for my child to help him/her prepare for the real world”.
Isn’t that wonderful?
You can learn a lot just from the website, you don’t necessarily need to take the class or purchase the books or CD’s, I just did because of the results I started to get with my ADHD son was so amazing, it didn’t just help him, it helped me, I’m a better person because of it, I couldn’t help but to want more so I own almost everything, I’m subscribed to the weekly e-mail news letter and the quarterly letter.
Good luck and if you ever want to talk love and logic, feel free to pm me.
J., are you sure you aren't talking about MY 3 1/2 year old? lol Although I can't offer a solution (I need one, too) I can tell you that I think its normal as they discover their own personalities...it's just up to us to 'guide' that discovery in the right direction. We just keep pushing on and stay consistent with our expectations, hoping and praying that it is a phase of growing! Good luck!
~L.
Sounds like my now four year old. Terrible twos were nothing. Nobody warned me about the terrifying threes. She's at the age where she's very independent and needs to test it (and you). The one thing I can say is be consistant with her. I started with my daughter when she was quite young that what mommy says, mommy does. Mommy says clean up the cereal you threw on the floor. She says no. Mommy says do it or I'm turning off your movie...she picks it up because mommy turned the movie off last time. At first I felt like I was bribing/threatening my girl, but I learned quickly that it was one of the few things that would work. My daughter is also very strong willed and hard headed. Now at four, she does pretty well. She still has her moments. She likes things done her way. But at four she's getting old enough to reason with as I think your daughter should be. Try talking to her about it. I know their attention spans are pretty small at this age, but mine will atleast listen for a couple seconds. You may have to talk to her about the same thing 10 times a day, but eventually it may sink in. Just be patient and give her lots of love. With a 16 month old, she may be just needing some more attention and time with mommy. My 4 month old takes a lot more of my time and getting the 4 year old to understand that and sometimes help with her, I think has helped her not to be jealous. Plus I try to make time for just the two of us as well. I don't know if any of this will help, but know that you are definitely not alone.
There's a great book called _Your Three Year Old_ by Ames and Ing I believe. They have a book for every year and I found them really to be lifesavers when my kids hit difficult ages. They tell you what's normal for the age, what works best at that age, and so on. Whenever my kids are making me nuts I get the book for that age from the library and it always helps. It also helps to read all the maddening things that my kid isn't doing that's normal at that age too! :)
My husband and I read the book 'Love and Logic: For Early Childhood' by Faye and Faye back when my daughter was 2 or so. Of course we still read up on everything as we had no clue (still don't but don't have the time anymore)what to do. We loved the parenting style suggested in this book. I find that having the both of us on the same page with how we plan to deal with such issues as sassing back, being rude, etc. really seems to clear the situation up fairly quick.
As far as what we do with sassing is:
Warning her that she is not allowed to speak to adults in such a manner as we do not speak to her this way.
If she does it again, she is in a time-out for 3 minutes while she thinks about how she is supposed to talk to us (and others).
I keep her there until she can identify what she did wrong, can apologize and give a better solution. (If we are in public I let her know she will be having a time-out at the next appropriate time. She doesn't usually learn anything when I do this in public and...I usually lose my temper and she wins in that case.)
Sounds cheesey as I write it but hey it works.
WOW.
She is a natural, strong willed,leader. We can't change her personality we can only do the behavior modification program. Rewards for good actions. Charts are awesome. She is testing her boundaries normal behavior. My powerful word of advise for the future is she probably has a lot of energy NEVER PUT HER ON DRUGS:)
Kids this age are trying to more independant and test their limits. Some more than others. They also still need lots of attention at this age even though they can do many more things for themselves. Give lots of specific praise when she is doing well and try to set some time aside just for playing. Decide which behaviors bother you most and set clear expectations. Make sure she is clear about it before she does anything naughty. Maybe draw pictures of the rules. While playing dolls say I expect the dolls to be gentle with each other. I expect them to ask nicely. If the dolls won't play nicely together let her know that then you will stop playing with her and she will have to play by herself. Make sure the people around her are modelling good behavior as well. Leave a relative or friends house if they insist on being rude to each other and briefly discuss with your child how people should treat each other. Change the channel if people on tv are being rude and tell her you don't agree with that behavior. Ask her teacher for specific ways that you can work with her at home on the behavior so that you are both telling her similar things.
When my daughter was very naughty when she was younger such as acting up, sassing, refusing to do what she was asked, I finally discovered that she was hungry and she just didn't know what was making her so ornery. I finally figured out that when I fed her something,a snack or whatever, she was much nicer again. Actually she is 24 now and sometimes when she is being a smart mouth to me, it is, I find, that she hasn't eaten and once again doesn't actually realize what is making her behave that way. I tell her to go and get something to eat! And that usually solves the problem, maybe your daughter is just hungry or thirsty and doesn't realize it!
