Salt in the Wounds

This might sound a bit harsh... Having friends who have adopted, and want to again, I would NOT consider having my own friend adopt my child or the child of my child. I guess I would not even think to talk to that person about it as it seems so out of the realm of possibility, to be totally honest. Thinking about having to see that child grow and change on a very regular basis - plus having the remind of my child's mistake/choice in my face all the time... add to that she may have feelings about how you are raising that child that might come between you. I understand how you might feel she owes you an explanation, and I think she probably should have talked to you about it, and I totally agree that she should have been more open about it. But, it sounds like you are coming at this from the stand point of why isn't she giving you the baby because you are friends and really want a child - not why did she not talk to me about it. Trying to be honest!

Gosh K. I think I'd be just as upset. Maybe it would be to hard for the daughter to see her child if you both were around. Thats the thought that might calm me down.
Good luck! A. H

Personally, I'd be upset. Not because they didn't pick you (because I can sort of understand that for the reason your stated), but like you said - because she never even bothered to tell you why they made the decision they did.

I am an adoptive mom too. I'm pretty much at peace with my life as an adoptive mom now, but I don't think women who have biological children will ever possibly understand the pain and anguish infertile women go through.

So many of my friends - good friends who would never in a million years want to hurt me have said very insensitive things like, "oh, I hate being pregnant" or "you're lucky you didn't have to go through this" etc. And I have a huge mental list of stupid stuff that's been said to be by total strangers. I once had a cashier at Target ask me what I knew about my daughter's real parents. Hello? Excuse me. Do I know you? It was all I could do to not say, "Ring up my groceries and shut the f____ up!"

Anyway, back to you. All I can say is maybe her family was so caught up in their own problems that they just didn't have the mental capacity to think about anyone else. Maybe their daughter made the decision or maybe (and I hate to say this) they wanted the money from a private agency adoption.

Bottom line, don't say anything. Back off from her for a while if you need to, but there is no sense in bringing up something you cannot change. Pray for the baby and her/his new adoptive family and try to find peace in knowing God has a plan for you and yours. Hang in there. It will happen.

I'm certain she meant no offense to you. This is a highly stressful time for her... can you imagine the feelings of failure, disappointment, fear, sadness... she is going through. She is undoubtedly embarrassed, and doesn't want to air her dirty laundry more than necessary. She is handling it with whatever strength she has and while it may seem obvious to you to have considered you as adoptive parents... she is in an emotionally bound place where she can't think clearly and is probably just running on autopilot doing what she thinks she is supposed to in this situation.

If you feel you must express your hurt... I don't see anything wrong with that, however I would try to do it without judging. Find compassion for where she is at in this situation. First, allowing yourself some empathy for the sadness over not being able to have children. Then empathy for her overload of emotions in dealing with what can be a traumatic time for her and her family.

I teach communication courses based on NVC... and the steps to expressing yourself without the judgment follow.
Express the strict observation of what happened. (e.g. When I hear that you are giving the baby for adoption, or when I hear that you have already chosen an adoptive family) those are just facts.. not colored with judgement such as "you didn't consider me... how could you?" etc... imply she did something wrong. (maybe she did consider you... you have no way to know... so stick with the facts in the observation)... Then you can express your feeling (e.g. I feel sad, I feel angry, I feel disappointed...etc)
Not I feel that, or I feel you... if the word feel is followed by "that" or "you"... it is not a feeling and is bound to follow with some sort of judgement. Then you would express the need that wasn't met which led to your feeling that way... (e.g. because I have a need for understanding or a need for consideration...etc) Then you can make your request. In this case it may simply be... "would you be willing to explain why you didn't consider us as possible adoptive parents."

Those steps will get you to a place where she can honestly answer you without feeling attacked. She should not be under attack, she simply had emotions relating to her situation just as you do. So keep that compassion for her in mind if you choose to confront her.

If not, maybe you can now imagine her story and that may give you enough comfort. (e.g. When I found out my daughter was pregnant, I felt embarrassed because I have a need for acceptance in the community and as a parent)

Let me know if you have questions.. I'm happy to explain further or chat if need be.
B.

I think you need to look at it from her point of view. Put yourself in her shoes. It was probably something really hard to talk aout with you. For one her daughter is pregnant when you cant be....so maybe she was afraid of that. Also I comppletely understnad why she would not want to give you the adoptive child....she may just want it out of sight and out of mind so they can move on. It is also her daughters descion not her mothers who she wants to care for her child, she is the mother alothough not old enought to make such tough descions. I am sorry this is probably not what you want to hear, but I am being honest. She most likely put lots and lots of thought into this descion and weighed you as an option, it was probably very difficult and you being mad, is what she is afraid of. She is in a difficult situation and you need to be there for her right now as I am sure she has been there for you.

K.,

I think you are hurt not because your friend did not consider you, but because you want another child. I can't even image what you must be feeling to have to wait to adopt...the loss of control you must feel.

However, I don't think you really have a right to be upset with your friend. First, I think you are right, she may not want to see her grandson everyday...and second, it wasn't her baby, it was her daughters. And it was her daughter's decision on how to proceed with the adoption.

Further, she may have felt that this was a private issue (both her daughter being pregnant and giving up the baby, and your trying to adpot) and didn't feel comfortable discussing it with you.

I hope everything works out for you and your family and that you are able to adopt soon.

Gosh - I think I'd just have to say something to her. Could you call her up and tell her how you feel as it might be awkward to bring it up in church with lots of people around. Or ask to meet her for a coffee. You expressed how you feel perfectly in the letter you posted - I think I might just show it to her. You may be right that it would have been too painful for her to have seen her grandchild at church and if that's the case you have to just respect her decision - or she might have just been completely thoughtless. Good luck in adopting - you sound like a fabulous mum - Alison

As a mother to 2 beautiful adopted children, I feel that I must respond to your issue. First, you should feel very grateful that your friend's daughter made a very mature and difficult decision. I truly believe that we are given the children that we are meant to parent, and you must trust that this is not your child. If you are seeking to adopt again, it will happen. Please don't say anything nasty to your friend. They are going through a difficult time as well. Your time will come.

My son (who was adopted) would say to use and "I" statement with her. IE I feel _____________when you ___________because _____________, please ____________.

You need to talk with her if she is really your friend. If she isn't, then perhaps it wasn't God's plan for you, eh?

S.

Honestly, it seems like you're expecting a bit too much. I understand that you're hurt, but this is a very, VERY private decision for them to have made. It's not your business why they chose to do what they did. Now, if they decide to talk to you about it or bring it up on their own then I'd listen with an open head and heart. I understand you're hurt, believe me I do, but the fact remains that this is their decision and I'm sure it didn't come lightly. They shouldn't have to worry about hurting your feelings as well.

I think you need to just talk to her about it very, very calmly and remember, this is all about them right now and not about you, in their eyes...and they really can't help that because it is their little girl this is happening to. Their thoughts are completely on their daughters future, not yours, and it's nothing against you, their focus is just on her. Remind them how loving you are and how wonderful you are...and all the good things about you and what a great mom you would be, and so on... It will all work out the way it should, whether the child be with you or not, fate will do what fate will do. I really wish you the best of luck!

K.,

It sounds like mostly you are just assuming what they are thinking and feeling. You don't really know since there has been no conversation. They are going through a difficult time. Maybe it's nothing about you. Maybe they don't know how to bring it up. You just don't know what is really going on until you have a conversation.

A great rule to live by is - don't create assumptions that make you miserable, especially with a friend. That's what you are doing - creating assumptions that make you miserable. And you are probably relating differently to your friend, who is in a difficult position herself right now and may need a good friend.

I recommend calming yourself down first. Look at the facts and drop all of the assumptions. From that calmer, empathetic place have a conversation with your friend to find out what's true. Almost certainly, you'll feel better and so will your friend.

Sorry you are in such a painful place, K.! It sounds like this is about this family and not about you, even though you see a lost opportunity for your family in their decision. My guess is that it was an oversight or they didn't want the emotional stress of having the baby in their world after giving him/her up. This may be the best they can do where they are now. They're in a painful place too! Perhaps it would be troublesome for you as well to have them right there as you raise the child. If it were me, I would pray and ask God to help me put my desire for another child in His hands to be fulfilled in His way and His timing. I'd ask for grace to forgive this family, whether they did this selfishly or innocently. And I'd work on moving on from there! Not saying this stuff is easy, but you need to be there for your husband and son. This baggage will only mess up what you have with them. I read recently that resentment is like taking poison yourself then waiting for the other person to die. It just hurts YOU! Maybe, if you were in their shoes you would've done the same - maybe not - but it was their call. This absolutely does NOT limit God in sending you a child who is just perfect for your family. Hang in there!

K. - I am so sorry that you have been having difficulties getting pregnant and thrilled you were able to adopt your son. With that being said I really believe taking a step back and looking at this "friends" actions are necessary. There are so many different ways that one can look at both your situations. As much as you are struggling so may she.
I truly believe that we get wrapped up in our lives and forget to jump into anothers shoes when necessary.
But, if you feel that you need to express your feelings with out hurting your relationship you may want to write down and reread what you would want to say. It can at times diffuse some of the emotions that are in need of being reigned in.

Friends are so important.

Have they never mentioned it to you? Or have you discussed it that you're wanting to adopt again and would consider any option?

My first thought reading the post was that maybe they just didn't think about it. Their teenage daughter is pregnant and they're going to give the baby up for adoption and they're probably extremely stressed about it.

Perhaps I'd approach them.. not in an angry way, but just.. have you considered??

Maybe I'm off track here though.. I would think I'd be upset too.. however maybe they are looking to not have an open adoption and it would hurt too much to see their biological grandchild around.

Another thought too.. is they may change their mind later.. my sister had planned to give her baby up for adoption when she was 17 years old.. she ended up keeping the baby and now has a beautiful marriage (to the 1st baby's dad) and has 3 other children.

Dear K.,
Bless you and your family for wanting more children.
What I read into this, is that a friend of yours that you see in church once every 2 weeks is having a family crisis/situation,; and they didn't consult you?!!! Are you serious? The fact that they didn't include you in their very private, family plans, is the answer you seek, and I don't think that you should pursue this further. It seems that you are looking at everybody else's lives as an opportunity for you, and that is a perspective that most other's won't share. I'm not trying to be mean here, I just don't think you are seeing the whole picture.
I don't think there is a more sensitive subject with individual feelings as parents and their desire to have children. As hard as it may be to accept, your opportunity
isn't with this situation. Find your faith, and pray for the patience you need right now. Leave the other family alone.

K.,

I just love to hear about so many families opening their hearts and homes to adopt children, I think that's one of the best things in the world. In regards to your wounds, I understand your heartache try to seek comfort, wisdom, and strength to move on. I really think that you may have answered your own question in your message. If she knows that you were seeking to adopt again sooner than later and she didn't come to you as being the choice, I don't see why she wouldn't consider you unless it's for the reasons that you mentioned. It maybe too hard for her to even mention it to you even if you are close. Some people can handle having their biological relatives adopted and close by, yet others can't. I don't think she owes you and explanation per say as to why, but I understand why you feel that she should. It would've been nice being that you're friends, but she owes her daughter more than anyone else because she's not the one having the baby her daughter is. I can only imagine the emotions that girl has to go through being her age and pregnant, then to have to give her baby up, can you? If she can't handle that too well (mentally & emotionally) you can believe that she won't handle seeing the baby in normal situations too well either. Plus, you never know how that'll work out anyway (she can still change her mind you know). She has a certain amount of time before she totally loses her rights. If she was to want the baby back after seeing him/her with you for a week or a month, would you understand that? Would you be able to continue your friendship then?

I hope I wasn't too harsh, that's not my intentions but sometimes we have to look at things from the other side of the fence. I'm certain you would've made an excellent mom because you already are. But maybe your new baby is meant to come from someone in a more desperate/worse situation that you can shower with the love that they'll need. My mother always says to my sisters and myself that, "Just because that's how you think and would do things, doesn't mean that's what someone else would think or do". You'll get your new baby K., I wish you nothing but the best and I hope this message has calmed you down in some way and not offended you in any way.

Take care and Happy Holidays!

A

K.,
You've mentioned that you've met this new friend from church. As a Christian, I was always raised that if you have a problem with someone, you need to speak to them directly, because otherwise you'll continue to feel the hurt and annoyance towards that person, and what kind of an example would you then be showing to your 4 yr old? Does this person have email? I know sometimes I need to write things out and email gives them a chance to digest the words instead of being an "in your face" type of approach. They are probably still dealing with the fact that they have a teenager that is sexually active and are focusing on that. Good luck and God bless.

I have to think she never even considered it. You are looking at this from a different prospective. I would imagine it would be EXTREMELY difficult for her or her daughter to see the baby growing up from afar. That kind of decision is hard enough without having to be reminded by seeing the baby, although some moms give up their babies to someone they know FOR that reason so they can be a part of their lives. It's a very heart wrenching decision for them and I feel sure they based their decision on what is best for them and baby. Forgive her and move on. Have faith that God will send you a baby when the time is right.

You've gotten a lot of thoughtful responses already, with moms who have made some good points, so I won't bother repeating them. I can understand how you would be upset (as much as someone who doesn't have fertility problems could possibly understand, which is insufficient, I'm sure), but maybe this will help put it in perspective...

If the friend's daughter who is giving her baby up for adoption were 25 and living on her own, instead of 16 and living with her mom (your friend), would you be nearly this upset? It sounds like you're upset because you feel your friend should have considered you or at least should explain why she didn't consider you, but as others have said, it's not your friend's decision, it's her daughter's decision. It sounds like maybe because the girl is 16, you're assuming the mother should/could/would have more influence on the decision, but that may or may not be the case.

As far as whether to say anything...I guess it depends on how close you are. I would probably not say anything. If I did choose to say something, I don't think I would lay all my angry and resentful feelings on her. I might instead say something like, "I can imagine why you may not have wanted to consider us to adopt your grandchild, but we are looking to adopt again. If you hear of anyone else looking for adoptive parents, I'd be grateful if you passed them our contact information." (You never know, during all of this, they may cross paths with another pregnant teen who has not yet chosen an adoptive family.)

Saying something like that isn't too confrontational. It creates an opportunity for a more in depth conversation about why she didn't consider you, without forcing the conversation to take place. If you were to just tell her how hurt you are, I think it may make her feel as though she must defend their decision. It may also make her angry at you for making it "all about you"...after all, their situation is probably just as painful to them as yours is to you.

It sounds like you're a wonderful mother to your son and any child would be lucky to have you as a mother. That being said, your friend may find it too painful to have her grandson raised by someone she sees all the time. It's a very sticky situation. It probably would have helped if she'd talked to you but her family is likely going through an incredibly tough time with deciding to give up this baby. It might help for you to simply sit down and explain your feelings to her. She may feel ashamed and just doesn't want to bring your friendship into the situation and that could be why she hasn't said anything to you. I can completely understand why you're upset but my guess is that she's not doing this to hurt you. She's probably hurting, herself, and just isn't thinking it through. Best of luck both in working through your friendship and in adopting another child.

I understand your pain.. but I can also see your friends family side of this.

If my teen daughter became pregnant and she decided to give the baby up for adoption. I would want to pick a stranger and not a friend.

It would hurt to much to see my grandchild being raised by my friend.

I think that you are right in assuming she doesn't want her grandchild too close. I personally if I had to ever give up a child, wouldn't want someone close to me adopting him/her because I would be like HEY Don't discipline him/her that's MY blood! I am sure that she didn't mean to intentionally hurt your feelings..but I honestly think you should call her over and talk to her about it, ask her her reasons??
Keep us updated and good luck to you and your family. There is a child out there just waiting for you!
God Bless!

Hi K., I was twice in this situation and really had to weigh the situation. (1. a relative's daughter was pregnant and 2. a friend was pregnant). It wasn't meant to be for us. As much as I wanted to be a mommy, I was almost willing to do anything and take any situation to be ours. We took a step back and really looked at the situation we were presented with. It put us thru some serious questions. Would I want to raise a child with someone looking over my shoulders? How would it be when the child was older and wanted to meet his/her birth parents? How would this affect my child/me/my friendship/relatives? How would I introduce them to each other? The list of questions went on and on, but you get the idea.
In the end, God blessed us with two children thru adoption (not the afore mentioned situtations). I will pray the right baby will come your way. I know the hurt you must feel, but please consider their feelings also. This isn't meant to be, right now you don't understand it - but when you hold the baby that is making his/her way to you, you will understand. Trust me. God bless, and I will pray your wait will not be long.
L. Joannie