Adoption vs Conception

I would say I'm an adoptive mother..but just doesnt' sound right...I'm a mommy two beautiful girls, whom we just happened to have adopted. I sometimes forget that we have!

If you are wanting to adopt a baby...and if you want to get that baby in your arms asap...then have the baby naturally.....adopting babies is a lot harder and takes a whole lot longer than 9 months....

We adopted because we went through 2 1/2 years of fertility treatments...only to find out, I'm passed my prime of producing quality eggs. We wanted an instant family..so we went to foster/adoption with CPS in West Texas, where we were currently living....once we did our 6 weeks of training to be foster parents, we got a placement before we were licensed!...Well, the brought the license with them....that was the night a little 2 year old and 3 month old were placed with me and changed our lives....They were my only placement and I treated them as if they were my own on day 1. Long story short, birth mother terminated her right to my girls only on the condition that we would adopt them.

Adoption is wonderful but long, but so worth it if you want to take that journey. There are so many children out there waiting for a safe and normal childhood. My girls are like my own blood...yeah, there is going to be a time they will be curious about thier birth mom and I am all for that meeting...I keep correspondence with her via email now and through the mail...so I have lots of letters for the girls to read when they fully understand about adoption. yeah, my heart tugs a little...especially if this happens during those hormone teenage years....but in the long run, your kids know who raised them, fed them, loved them, provided for them, gave them the memories that they have...

Good Luck in your decisions.

That is an extremely personal choice. Adoption is a wonderful gift for a child. In my husbands family, there are 3 bio children and their youngest brother was adopted.

Whether you adopt or conceive it's your baby. Biology doesn't make a child yours or not yours. The love, time and actions of a parent does.

Good luck in whatever you choose.

Hi K.:

I think the best advice I ever got is that babies come when they're supposed to come...and it doesn't matter whether you birth them or adopt them. Babies have their own schedule. My husband and I were unable to conceive and I went to the OB/GYN to start the discussion of fertility issues...what a day. I must first tell you I was looking for a new OB/GYN and this was my first visit with her. While she could have taken a moment to say "gosh, this must be an exciting and scary time for you...let me walk you through the process..." she didn't she was COMPLETELY business like..."check with your insurance. Likely it will cost $10K or more and most insurance companies don't pay for it. If you still want to go through with tests, then call the receptionist and make an appt."

I left her office KNOWING she could not make me happy. If I went through the tests there would be one of these outcomes: 1) We don't know why you're not getting pregnant, that wouldn't make me happy or 2) it'll take lots of $$ and time. Or maybe even 3) You'll never get pregnant...so I never called the insurance company and never talked to her or her staff again. (and I have a new OB/GYN and we're good...maybe not great, but it's OK).

I came home and told my husband the goal is to be parents, not be pregnant specifically. And thus began our adoption research.

There are about a ton of ways to adopt a child. International adoption sounds very romantic...kind of like a spy novel in a way...but it was SO expensive (some countries are much less expensive, but you still have travel costs) and being outside the US you are not protected by the laws we are used to. Corruption can happen--and my fear was spending every last dime I had and then something going wrong. I'm sure that is a VERY long shot, but I could not stand the idea of that possibility. (of course, I had no other children...so it felt like an all or nothing proposition...too risky for me at that time.)

We decided to become foster parents and go the "foster to adopt" route. We went to an orientation in May and my son came home the following February...nine months later. I have a friend who adopted from Russia and their journey was exactly nine months as well. Interesting...seems like a very familiar time frame, eh? One the other hand, my daughter took 18 months to arrive from the time we told the social worker we wanted another child to the time she was placed.

I would strongly recommend at least looking into foster care as a way to adopt. You may end up with one or more placement(s) that don't "stick". If you have a good relationship with your social worker and are just open to the process and your biggest objective is taking care of the child, it'll be OK. Plus, this HAS to be a family thing, it WILL impact your kids too.

I have two opinions of foster care to share, and these are exactly that, my opinions/perspective:
1) If a child doesn't "stick" and it breaks your heart, my feeling is that it's OK because I am big and I've had my heart broken before and I know how to heal and that I WILL heal. But that baby, if not for you taking care of him/her may NEVER heal from not having loving care. That's how I keep that in prospective. If you can't bear the possibility that the cute little baby may go back to his/her parents, well...you'll have to figure out if this is an option for your family. (Your social worker should talk to you about how big a "risk" you are willing to accept and while they can't control every outcome, they usually have a good gut feeling of the liklihood of a baby being adopted or being reunited. Again, they're not always "right"...sometimes they know things they can't share with you. So try to have a good relationship and try to trust them).
2)The less specific you are (less picky) the sooner you will get a child. If you're open to either gender and any ethnicity and a range for the age (maybe under two or from 9 months to 3 years or something like that) then you're more likely to get a quicker placement. If you definitely want a girl or must have blue eyes...well, can't promise that circumstance will come along as quickly as you'd like. Maybe...

OK, I have a third opinion that I'd like to share (you're probably not surprised, huh)...some people have an opinion of foster kids that they are not perhaps as healthy or had as good an in-utero experience as your biological children. That may be true. They may not have had proper doctor visits while the mom was pregnant and she may have been using something she shouldn't have. Perhaps they didn't get good nutrition. But here's the thing, the kids overseas are not being born into wealthy, well-cared for families either. My children who started their lives as foster care children were born here and have access to resources until they are 18. If you go overseas and bring home a child who has attachment issues (for instance) I'm not sure you have help getting the care. I'm sure (or at least I hope) adoption agencies can make referrals and such, but I'm not sure that there's assistance for the family in the same way as we could get if needed.

Again, many many people adopt and never have any issues. I guess I'm a worst case scenario investigator...but I always hope for the best! I agree with the other moms in that I cannot imagine loving a biological child any more and there are times when it startles me to realize I didn't give birth to them...it feels like I did...I don't know how that works, but other adoptive moms I've talked to say they feel the same way.

It's such an amazing gift to watch someone who doesn't know anything (intellectually) begin to learn to speak and to walk and to love and understand their world. It just doesn't matter where they came from, they are all AMAZING and wonderful. If your family is in a position to love and care for another child I would say "go for it" with the adoption process. They're "up" for adoption because they need someone, not because they have nothing else to do that day...so be their someone...they'll arrive when they're supposed to. :-) Good luck to you in your decision and incidentally, no matter what you decide I totally support your decision...because only YOU know what's the best thing for you and your family to do.

Well, I guess you may want to ask yourself how soon you want to add a new addition, while conceiving a child takes plenty of long and uncomfortable months many times rolling into years before a beautiful baby graces your lives, adoption can likely stretch into a few...ok, several years is a bit more realistic.

From the many options you will have to explore private, public, open, closed, semi-open, over seas, newborn, toddler, school age, or special needs, and fully familiarize yourself with, once your mind is set, you have only to wait for approval, pairing, finances, availability, and then hope the whole thing goes off without a hitch...the waiting period, and then finally, court finalization.

If you are content to leave it all up to the fates, and have all the time, patience and reserve, wads of cash at your disposal couldn't hurt any, and are desperate to give a wonderful, totally worthwhile child the commitment of 3-5 yrs of long, stressfull, no telling how it will all turn out, everybody but
you and your mate with the whole thing in their hands...lots of different hands and adoption seems like the obvious choice, then adopt.

If any, and I mean any part of this seems overlookable, unesscesary worry, needless preparation, or you are in the habit of assumingit only happens to other people never to you, or your relationship/family life is not at it's absolute strongest, then put it off until you and your family are ready willing and able to face and accept the worst the fates have to offer and not let the worst of it get the better of you and your family.

You must go into this informed, certain and as a loving caring unwaivering unfaultering front of open arms hearts and minds, knowing full well the reward more than makes the process worth it.

Adoption is a brave beautiful wonderful thing that takes brave beautiful wonderful people to open their lives to it's amazing possibilities and a child not genetically their own.

Whatever your descision I wish you, your family, and any addition you may make all the beauty the world has to offer and every joy there is to be had the world over.

All my best with lots of love and gobs and gobs of strength and clarity,
Aline

As a mom to one adopted and one bio child, I can tell you that the love and connection you feel is the same. The delivery was certainly less painful with our adopted DD though (lol). But I would like to point out that the process of adoption can often be long and frustrating. There is the promise of your child at the end, (and that is the most important thing here) but it can be very tough on many couples. If you and your DH are "not sure" which to do, then you are probably not ready for adoption. It is a big committment, both in time, paperwork and often money. There is a lot to deal with, agencies, attorneys, social workers, banks, scared birthmothers. There are moments when I think many people get resentful of not being able to do it the "fun way". So you must really KNOW this is what you want.

I hate to focus on the process instead of the final outcome. And when you do get your child, the process does fade into past and seems like nothing. But, while you are in it, and if it is a choice, be aware of the rocky road. In our case it is was easy, only took 6 weeks from beginning to birth, but we are a rare case. So I am not talking from a bitter past. But I have helped many people through their adoptions and most say they never realized how emtional it can be.

I guess what I am trying to say is that adoption can be the most wonderful, beautiful thing in the world. Our daughter is living proof, as is my brother. But do your research first. Have very open and candid conversations with your DH and friends who have adopted. International adoption can be very different from domestic. There are agencies vs. attorneys.

I really hope it doesn't sound like I'm trying to dissuade you. I am a huge adoption advocate and have seen more happy endings than I can count. It really can be wonderful outcome for both parents and child(ren). But go into it with your eyes open, especially since you have the choice.

I have 3 stepsons, and I don't feel like I "missed" anything. I consider them my own. I think fostering and adopting are wonderful. =)
I do have one comment for you to consider, though---one of my boys is VERY different from me in temperament, and it took me longer to get close to him, because it's tougher for me to really understand his behavior sometimes.
I think, based on the friends and family I know who have adopted kids, that this may be common with adoption, that the kids can have very different temperaments from the adopting parents. For example I have relatives who are both quiet and introspective, who adopted two kids and their kids are quite boisterous and aggressive, so it's been a challenge for the parents. Don't get me wrong: they are intelligent, interesting, lovable kids. I am just saying, if you adopt a child who happens to be very different than you, you may have to work harder to understand they way they think/feel, so you should be mentally prepared for that possibility. But it makes life interesting, right?
I hope that makes sense--I am pro-adoption, but I've seen that it can be difficult in some situations.

Greetings K.,
This is an awesome decision to make.
We are the parents of 5 children, 4 by birth and 1 that was a foster child that never left home!
We have raised many foster children and are blessed to have several back in our lives along with their children. So have to say that there are blessings to both ways. Please consider several things.
Do you want a special needs child? There are so many that need families to love them, Do you plan to adopt in the US, or go overseas? There are many pro and cons for both as several of my friends have suffered to learn. Consider the expense of adoption and the extras that go into the search. Many foster children are just waiting for a family to love them and are adoptable.
I know that we were grateful for each child that came into our life and for the influence they had on us and we on them.
Good Luck with making this life changing decision.,Nana Glenda