SAHM And Struggling or FT Daycare and Withdrawal?

Stay in a small apartment and downsize. It's worth every single thing you would give up. We are 5 people... 3 little girls and my husband and I. We moved into a 2 bedroom apt so i can stay home with my girls. We gave up a 4 bedroom house in a great neighborhood. The only thing really miss is having a yard.

This country stinks for mothers! Most developed countries allow for a year of maternitity leave but the united states is like in the bottom five in the entire WORLD for family leave benefits. The only way that is going to change is if women like us make some noise to the politicians!
That being said, I was able to work part time until my DD was 9 months. This worked out well. Any way you can do that?

I'm sorry for your having to make such a decision.

I worked long hours so my wife could be a SAHM. We lived in smaller homes and had older cars, shopped only the sales and ate hamburger and chicken leg quarters instead of steak and bonelesskinless chicken breasts. We downsized our lifestyle as we upsized our family.

There are lots of posts on mamapedia on how to save money. Look them up for good ideas.

Years from now you won't remember the adult toys you didn't get, but you will remember the first time your child hugged you, walked for the first time, rolled over, and smiled at you. You'll enjoy the warm fuzzy feeling of them falling asleep in your arms as you rock them. Or the special feeling a woman gets while nursing her baby.

I remember the shiny sparkle of joy in my wife's eyes as she told me about those special moments. I determined I would do all I could so she could have those special moments. I worked like a dog, and stayed with a job I grew to hate, so my wife stayed home with our kids.

You didn't say how much money you need to save to make it work or any of the financial details. I know you don't have much of a growing season in New Hampshire. But you can have a garden and you can do other things.

Stay at home if you can. You'll never be able to relive those moments.

Good luck to you and yours.

Twelve yrs ago at the birth our 1st child, my husband and I decided it was best for me to go bk to work after 12 wks of maternity leave. It was hard but I found a terrific caregiver, I put our baby, then later growing into toddler, in an in-home child care setting. I thoroughly checked out and chose a terrific, ex-business woman ,changed to stay at home Mom of 1, as our caregiver after visiting 6-7 homes and meeting many care givers. My husband and I were very career driven at the time, but looking back on our decision it was not the right one. I missed so many milestones with my baby and later little girl. ,Over the last 6-7 yrs, after me changing jobs working in a less stressful field, PT only now, I deeply regret our decision. I saw my baby daugher later toddler, become very attached to her FT caregiver and it ripped out my heart, although I knew she was well cared for and loved by her care-giver now I know so regretfully it was not the right decision for us. I missed out on everything just so we could have a nice home, 2 cars and material things that now mean so little. Our daughter began PT preschool at 3 when I chose to change my job to work PT (which was much better for all of us) but those 1st 3 very critical yrs in her life with my child age gone. We are very blessed that our daughter has been a wonderful child and now awesome young teenager, but if you can live a lesser lifestyle for the sake of your baby or child definitely do so. You will never regret it. Good luck to you mom. hope this helps.

If you can find a way to stay at home with her, then that's what I would do. Living with family can get into a sticky situation though. If your spouse can find a job in your family's town, and you guys got a small appt, then that seems to make the most sense to me. That way, you'll have the extra support, but not driving each other nuts. Congrats on the little one! They are so precious!

Don't agonize. You're heart is not misleading you. You are the mom, you carried this child in your body, gave birth to it, its very food comes from your body. God made it this way, its natural that you take care of this child. Its unnatural to give over the most precious moments of the day for someone else to enjoy. I'm fortunate to stay home and live comfortably. But I'll tell you, when I was pregnant, my husband wanted me to go back to work because he fell in love with a big house he wanted to buy. I told him, " I'd rather live in a two bedroom apartment, drive our cars until they fall apart, and never own another pair of designer jeans than to give my baby over to someone else to raise." We have not regretted our choice. And since you don't fall in love with your child until after they are born, my husband sees how right I was and tells me everyday how glad he is that its me who stays home with our daughter.

I regret EVERY moment that I worked when my children were that age (and they are 16 & 13 now).

She needs you. You only get one chance with your children.

Set your priorities - pray hard for guidance from God on the priorities - and make your decisions accordingly. If you are going in the direction that your heart calls you, you might have lean times but you won't have regret.

Good luck and lots of hugs.

Move back in with your parents and watch you baby growing up! She is only this little once - you can always get another job, another house...
I had to work FT after my DD was born. I wish I didn't have to.
While she is growing up just fine and now really likes her daycare, I will never get that time with her back. Thinking about it makes me sad, even now!
Good luck!

No matter what you do, it will be hard. When my first was 3 weeks old (he is now 3 years old!) I remember looking at him in my car rearview mirror and crying about leaving him....but we did adjust. When I was on Maternity leave with my other son (now 13 months old), I cried for days up to going back to work.....it is very hard to leave your baby, I feel your pain...it is heart-breaking. I think what helped me is that I really love the "school" my boys go to...the staff are wonderful. One of the things to consider is that it may be difficult returning to the job market in 2 years or whatever...any you may want another one by then (I did!!!).
Whenever I start to feel guilty about working, I tell myself that it is QUALITY over quantity and anyone who sees me interact with my boys will say "wow, you have a lot of energy"....I give them my all....they are my world! Good luck with your decision and enjoy your baby....the moments are fleeting!!!

OMG everyone goes through this. It sounds like you need a job to support your family. As long as you choose a nice center she will do GREAT. You will cry the entire first day, most of the second, some of the third, ..... She will be happy as a clam as long as her needs are met. You will see though your baby developing friendships and watching her caregivers love her. You'll get to know and appreicate them as well. They won't be strangers for long. It takes a village to raise a child, you can't do it alone.... The more people who love your child the better. When she's a little older you'll see her run in happy to learn and play there. She will be social, well adjusted, independent, and surprise you ever day with new things that she learned. Good luck!!!

Dear E., I can soooo relate to what you are going through. I was in the exact same situation. Before I had my LO 21 months ago, I had planned to go back to my two jobs within 6 weeks. He was born, and I could not do it. I decided that he is only little once, and I can put my career on hold. My superiors were upset with me at the last minute let down -- and rightly so. I knew they would be and took that into account. I said he is worth it.

21 months later -- My Lo is so happy and joyful. I am so delighted with my decision, even though it was hard and even though it has set my career back.

Nonetheless, being a mother changes everything. Things that used to be important, no longer are.

However, I am going back to work part time teaching in the Fall. Both bosses accepted me back.

I am proud of myself and my choices.

While my financial situation is different than yours, it sounds like you have the loving support of your family, which I would pay a million bucks in a minute.

I hope my story helps you.

Jilly

If you can work out a way to stay at home, I would. Saying that, I chose to go back to work so I could stay home in the later years. I figure they needed me more when they are in school, to be home after school and able to get them to extra curricular activities. I found that when I worked, we had extra money, but they couldn't participate in any activities b/c I couldn't get them there.

This may be a ramble, apologies in advance.
1. The baby's first year is spent developing relationship skills. They way they do that is by bonding to you. Can they do that with 'caregivers' yes, but their relationship skills depend on having someone consistently meet their needs, give lots of warmth and snuggles, smiling at them, etc. Usually mom is best :)
2. The older your kids get the more they want their independence. The more they can talk to tell you how their day was, if anyone did anything scary or nice with them.
3. When you leave your career, you can't go back, at least not at the level you left.
4. It's hard to go back to work at a lower lever than you're used to. And you need to find something to keep your skills up while you're "at home with baby" so the resume doesn't look like it has gaps which must be explained away.
5. You can't save for your retirement when you're at home.
6. Not all of us are cut out for the mommy pyramid schemes that are prolific...selling amway, melaleuca, jewelry, candles, sex toys, you name it.
7. Let's face it, not all of us are cut out to be mommies either! Sometimes a nanny is much better!

My kids are 4&6 and I left a very well paying job to be home with them. I wouldn't trade a second of it. They are happy well-adjusted kids. They've had lots of experiences they wouldn't have at a daycare. However, I now want to go back to work and it's struggle...though I've been called a couple times for interviews already (it's been a month, yay me) it's a tough choice to give up their freedom -be put in school/part time daycare for the youngest- just so I can work and have a retirement fund.

In short. There is NO good answer. None. I personally don't believe day care for an infant is a good choice if you can help it. But the mommy track in a career isn't a bed of roses either. Either which way either you lose or the kids lose. Sorry I can't help much, just rambling my own observations and thoughts. Congrats on your new baby, I wish you the best. And whatever your choice, you'll be a great mom.

Go back to work.
Every new mom goes through what you're going through, it's perfectly natural. You WILL get used to it and she WILL be fine. (I work FT, I'm sure you can tell...)

Personally, I think the idea of uprooting your family to move back in with your parents just for the sake of you being able to stay home is completely ridiculous and irrational...not to mention totally inconsiderate to your husband.
For the rest, do you really want to reduce your family's quality of life (including your daughter's) just so you can stay at home? Seems selfish and shortsighted to me.

It all comes down to how you feel fulfilled. And my opinion is that if you initially planned to go back to work, go with that. If you're miserable, you can always change your mind.

I'll be in the minority with this post, but I wanted to give a different perspective.

I am a mom of 2 little girls. I also have a career that I love dearly and have worked very hard to get the job I currently have. Luckily I do have some flexibility in my job. I like many moms and yourself, was torn when it came time to put each of them in daycare. The first went in at 4.5 months and the second stayed home with a nanny at 3 months. With each of them, the transition to non-mommy care was gradual. Half days for a while then 6 hours then a little longer. I ached emotionally each time they went into "other" care. It helped that they were each going into high quality care, I loved my career and that we were able to transition them and ourselves to this new way of life. I did doubt myself each time but in hindsight (my girls are now 3 and 5) I see that they are great kids and have thrived in a daycare setting. There are so many other things that they got to experience in school, the socialization piece and the ability to put their trust in other adults- these have all positively impacted my children. Also, with the first at least, there is the benefit of having someone more experienced than you have a close relationship with your child- their daycare providers are experienced and were able to give great advice. We put a lot of time into making home time a meaningful experience. No TV (ever), sit down dinner and breakfast EVERYDAY. We don't feel like daycare negatively impacted our children, rather that it has enhanced their life experience. The other piece for me was that being home is HARD work and not usually very stimulating for the adult (and of course there is the financial piece). I love the way our family life works. My husband and I now have 2 jobs (parent and outside job) and there is rarely a break- but that is what I signed up for when I decided to have my children. I think that the most important thing is that whatever your choice, you embrace it and be happy with it. If that was your choice beforehand then I might try out the daycare (could you do half days for a month or so? what about shifting your schedules around so that one of you leaves early in morning and picks her up early, the other goes in late and comes home later). See how it goes and give it some time, if it doesn't work then you can always quit your job and figure out the downsizing piece. It is also so early to be thinking about this...she is only 5 weeks old. When my girls were that age I couldn't imagine how they could handle being with anyone else. By 3 months they are becoming more steady and are more ready for daycare (and my guess is that so will you!).

good luck!!

Well I a SAHM to three kids 10 1/2 yrs , 6 1/2yrs and 4 yrs. I agree the thought of someone else watching my kids for all day and bonding with them ...just thinking of that makes me cry.
I would move into my parents house if I were you. Its always wonderful having family close by. I think its always so nice to have relatives in your daily life. So many people don't have their extended family close by but live all over the US or the world. If your able to have family close by I think its definetely a benefit. Your child will grow up having an extra special bond with your side the family.
I think going back to work and not having your family close by I think you loose twice. Its nice for kids to grow up with cousins and aunts, uncles, grandparents, great aunts and uncles.

Stay home with your beautiful baby... you will never regret your decision!!! Your baby needs you... no one else will love her like you will!! Get a small apartment where you live so you don't have to live with your parents... it might put a strain on your marriage. Good Luck!

The only legacy we leave is our children. Investing in them, no matter what the cost, is worth it. Move back with your folks, because no one, no matter how much you pay them, will treat her and love her like you do.

I your heart you have already made the decision, so go ahead and enjoy her!

Peace :)

If staying home is what you want to do deep down. Then do it. Do whatever it takes. You will look back on those years and be so glad you did. Those first few years are the most precious most rewarding years. I decided to stay home with my two children and I have loved every second of it. Yes we have had to put our wants aside. And sometimes priorities our needs. But seeing every moment from birth to 3 is all worth it. I think the children are the better for it as well. There will be times when you are stressed and miss work. But remember the kids will grow up and there will be plenty of time for work. Take this oportunity while you can to be with your child as much as possible. They grow up so fast. A year or two will go by in a flash.
Hope it all works out for you.
J.

I am biased so I will try really hard not too be too much so LOL. bc honestly the only thing that matters is if at the end of the day YOU are happy w/ your choice, and you do not go homeless doing it. I did not want to go back, and I thought I had too and I was a totall mess to say the least. crying nonstop then...thank God... I lost my job and never went back a single day! I have never been happier, yeah I am tired and yeah it is my DD 24 hours a day and yeah I have a lot to do and a lot on my shoulders but w/ a supportive husband that does not mind that the house is messy bc all I care about is loving/watchign/playing/teaching my DD and NOT missing anything at all while she grows up SO SO fast then I do agree w/ you it is worth it. I also worked in childcare for 13 years so that made me very set on not putting her in someone elses hands. if you live w/ family that is your choice, but I personally think that might be very hard: they will be too close and have too many things to say. I stay home and do it all myself: no one tells me that my choices are right/wrong bc it is just me and my husband and I like it that way. I am sure if they live far they will miss your DD and they will make every effort to travel so you can get a night out w/ the hubbie (if you even want one and can tear yourself away from your baby LOL). there is prob. a lot you can cut out that you dont think you can live w/o but if loosing for example the cell phone plan (getting a pay as you go phone for emergancy) and loosing cable (you should be w/ your DD not watching TV anyways). you can cut that and then be able to stay home I say go for it. IF you just cant make it I say just be sure that you are comfortable w/ the center, check up on them and make the most of your time when you get home from work. good luck, hope my rambling helped a bit. message me if you want to chat more about it.....really.

All moms feel this way when going back to work. I went through the same feelings after each of my kids - it didn't matter if it was baby #1 or 2 or 3, I was SURE after each one that we wouldn't survive the transition back to work and daycare. Yet we did. And quite well.

Give working with childcare a try before doing something dramatic such as quitting your job or moving. You're still hormonal and bonding with your baby and getting used to motherhood - now is no time to make big decisions about jobs or moving. Go back to work at the end of your scheduled leave (can you transition with part-time work for a few weeks first), bring your child to the daycare that you have chosen, and see how it goes. You may find that like most of us working moms, you slip back into work mode faster than you thought you would (within a week or two), you love your childcare providers, and you baby thrives in a group care situation. If after a few weeks you're still feeling terribly guilty and distressed and like you just can do it - which is pretty rare - then it will be time to figure out an alternative. Perhaps working part-time or working some days from home with a sitter in the house would work better than quitting your job and/or moving. Escpecially in this economy with unemployment so high, I wouldn't gamble with your job security just yet.

Good luck - you're not the first or last mom to feel this way and you will get through it!

Hi E.,
It is my personal opinion that if you can, stay at home and move closer to family. You only get one shot at raising this amazing little girl and I say you be with her every minute you can. Maybe if you move closer to home you can work a few hours a day and have your mom watch her for a little bit? Nothing can replace her parent's love and protection. Do it if you can :-)

My family of 5 has survived for the last 5 years on my hubby's less than $40K annual income by being supplemented with my personal business. We have 2 vehicle payments, a mortgage, all utilities, taxes, etc. and get help from NO ONE. I 'work' full time only putting in 15 hrs/week and it's stuff the girls help me out with. Thanks to what I do, we are taking our 3rd trip in August to Disney World in less than 20 months. I'd love to help you out. If you're interested, please PM me and I'll give you the details :)

You got a lot of advice on this one, as I expected when it posted in my email... and I went through the same thing, as many of us did. I actually earned more money than my husband when our son was born almost 3 years ago, and I am still home with him with NO REGRETS. Its tough on the marriage sometimes, so communicating well is KEY. But I think often, "....if anyone mentions anything about my previous career in my eulogy, I'll roll over in my grave...., I want to be remembered as a wonderful mom and supportive wife...." That's how I will (am) earning my wings!

How far away from the daycare do you work? When I went back to work with my second child, my son was in a home daycare about a half mile from my office so I would walk over there at lunch to spend time with him.

I could easily just stop working which would make things very difficult for my husband and family. I have an older daughter who is 10 who is into lots of sports and activities - she wouldn't be able to do a lot of that if I were to stop working because our family relies on BOTH of our incomes. I'd say you need to think VERY carefully about this decision. You're feeling a lot of anxiety about going back to work which is perfectly natural; I think every working mom feels that but to be honest, you DO get over it. My son's caregiver is wonderful with him and I'm very happy about that. I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything.

The other thing you might consider is whether or not you can change your work schedule. During the summer months I work 4 days/week and stay home on Fridays.

If I were you, I'd go back to work and see how it goes and then decide what to do.

I wouldn't make an impulsive decision just to keep your daughter out of daycare. I don't think that moving in with your parents for a long term period (more than a few months) is a good idea. Too many factors that will come up that you can't plan for. Honestly, I don't think it's a good idea to risk everything to stay home with your daughter. Have a plan long term that you are more confident that will work. Daycares are not all bad. My son was in one, and he absolutely loved it and I grew to love his teachers. They will not be strangers and they will not be the ones witnessing all her firsts. You need to have a stable environment for your daughter, so if staying at home is going to make finances crazy and you don't know how you will pay your bills, don't do it. It's not fair to her or to your husband. Go back to work, save some money, and come up with a better plan. I also didn't want to go back to work once I had my son, and it was hectic for a while, but he really thrived and learned a lot from his classmates as well. Now that he is a toddler, I now want to stay home with him before he is off to school. Consider that too. Work for a couple years, get things in order, then spend a toddler year with him, if possible. Good luck. I feel your pain!

Oh, E., my heart feels for you! Please, chose to stay home with your precious baby. Things and houses and whatever else you might miss out on in the short term will always be there. These years with your daughter won't be. This time is fleeting! She needs you. It is right and good and natural for you to want to stay with her. She's your baby! Most of us have children so that we can raise them. Sending her to someone else to raise her when you have a choice is crazy. Oh, cherish these years with her. You will never regret the time you have with her. Money is nothing compared to your daughter. A great website for you to check out is http://moneysavingmom.com/ She has wonderful ideas to help you spend your money more wisely. She's great!

Well, I actually did one of your options. I am a single mother but I moved back in with my mom and quit my job when my son was about 4 months old because he was very colicky and it was too much to handle for my babysitter/cousin (who had a baby of her own). I stayed out of work for about a year. I worked for a place called CHACHA.COM which brought in about $300 a month, I worked whenever I could. I loved it! It's well worth it. However, the problem I am having now is with a mother who doesn't really understand the concept that her baby has a baby. So make sure you are clear about the lines and boundaries when it comes to your child and be sure to stick to them

Not once do you mention your husband's reaction to this situation. I would think that if he's to be the breadwinner, you'd want him to make this decision with you.

Personally, I think you're overreacting and ignoring this economic crunch.

Switch roles. What if your husband wanted to move in with his parents b/c he couldn't stand the thought of leaving his child with "strangers." You, being future breadwinner, would have to uproot yourself and keep your fingers crossed that you find a job. Furthermore, you'd have to spend a great deal of time with in laws. How would you feel?

Furthermore, for as much as you may love your parents, moving in with them as a adult with a child will come with its own new set of obstacles for which you may be unprepared.

You're also being a bit closed-minded with regard to working mothers and time spent with their children. Regardless of who sees your daughter's "firsts" first, you'll still witness them. She may take her first step with these "strange women," but you'll still be there to catch her when she falls.

So stop overreacting and try to keep things in perspective.

.

What you are feeling is completely normal, first of all! Most of us change our feelings about going back to work once we meet that little baby! Some of us go back to work, some of us stay home, but most of us have mixed feelings about whatever we decide. Every day is a miracle with our little babies, and we want to observe all those "firsts" ourselves. Also, you are still hormonal and most likely sleep-deprived, so that doesn't help the emotions!

The day care people are "strangers" now but they won't be if you go that route. Your daughter will learn to be cared for by friends -- and that may not be a bad thing particularly if you have no family close by. If they are professionals, they will understand and have experience with parents, particularly moms, who are conflicted about this.

I'd stay with the secure job your husband has. Moving in with parents is helpful in many ways but you are giving up some independence and some ability to parent the way you want to. If your husband can't find a job there, how will you both feel, being economically dependent on Mom & Dad? If you need help now, maybe one of them can come and stay with you for a few days now and then so you can get some rest.

Is part-time an option for you? You could put your daughter in day care a little bit but not constantly, and still bring in some income. It's always a challenge to figure out if the job is just paying for day care, or if it's adding to the income on top of that. What about working from home?? I do that, and I have a whole lot of friends near you in NH who do it very productively.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

My personal advice would be to stay where you currently live and see if you can work out a budget that would allow you to stay home. I don't recommend moving in with your parents because you have to look down the road beyond your babies first year or two. It seems like a risky time in the job market for your husband to be changing jobs just to move.
I am a SAHM who originally planned on going right back to work after my first was born. But I was very emotional about leaving our son anywhere. We sat down and figured out that we could live off of one income. It wasn't a very hard decision for us since the cost of daycare would have wiped out most of what I was earning anyway.
If you just cannot afford to stay home full-time you may see if your employer would support you moving to a part-time position.
Good luck in your decisions!

I agree you need to discuss this w/ your husband. Moving in w/ your parents can affect your marriage...lack of privacy, your husband's pride if he feels he cannot support his family on his income alone, your husband maybe needing to find another job, etc. Your daughter is only 5 weeks old, so your opinion may change in the coming weeks. This is a decision you cannot easily go back on as it sounds like you'd have to sell your house & your husband would need a different job. I am a SAHM; however, in your situation it seems you should stick w/ plan A for the time being (you going back to work). Maybe in a few years finances will be different & you can stay home. Your daughter will not remember you staying home w/ her as an infant. She probably won't retain any memories < 4 yrs. of age. Maybe in your situation it's worthwhile to focus on trying to stay home when she's a little older. Good luck!

Downsize! If you can be a SAHM then go for it! These are times that you can NEVER get back and they go by quick. This is how I think about it...if you were on your death bed would you be looking back on your life thinking "I should have worked more" or "I should have spent more time with my kids".

How come you haven't considered doing daycare yourself so that you don't have to downsize? What are the daycare laws like where you live? I started my daycare 24 years ago and really am so glad I did. Like any job it has it's ups and downs. But I love the kids and when they hug me and tell me that they love me it's all worth it.

What does your husband think?
I think all the options are possible, I understand you don't want to leave your baby in daycare, many womans don't have the option to stop working and is sad but they have to make it work.
If you have the possibility, want to and husband can afford, then that would be amazing.
The where to live I think is more about what your husband can afford and how comfortable he will be at your parents home.

Only you and your husband can soul search and figure out what is best for your family. Is your husband supportive of moving to your parents house temporarily? It sounds like you have decided what you want to do. Now you have to see what can work for your family and your relationship.

I have been fortunate enough to be able to stay home with our children and I wouldn't change it. Our family is out of state and that has been hard. We would have lived closer to them if it were a choice but it wasn't b/c of my husband's job.

Congrats on your new baby and good luck!

See, to me, this is something you should discuss with your husband. It's something that needs to be thuroughly discussed and well thought-out.

This economy is really bad, honestly, here in Michigan, the unemployment rate is close to 15% right now. It's ridiculous! I have 4 medical degrees ranging from EMT-Basic to Medical Assisting and Nursing Assistant, and STILL can't find a job after 5 years. I live within 30 minutes of literally 10 hospitals. Jobs are hard to come by and when you have a good job, that gives you maternity leave, you need to keep that job. Moving in with family isn't going to solve the money issue for you. Although being close to family is great!

My suggestion to you, would be to maybe check out the center, do a tour, and really think about it. The best thing you can do for your baby is provide them with the things they need, and unfortunately, that requires money. Maybe you hire a nanny, or aupair? Or look at a Home daycare setting.

Sometimes I really wonder how some of these woman who are SAHP, think that every woman is able to do that. I ONLY WISH I could do that.

if you feel that strongly about it then go with the feeling. might be easiest to just downsize your lifestyle instead of moving everything to your parent's place. plus, i have to tell you, even the most well-meaning parents can be quite interfering with how they think you should raise your kid. while spoil a relationship. you can go visit regularly since you will not be working.

the first two years, maybe even 5, are the best. and once they go to school you wont have time with them anyway. this is the only time when they will be all yours. enjoy it.

Just my two cents.....
I have 2 in FT day-care (boy-2.5 years old and girl-16 months old) and I work 4 days a week. I am happy with my decision because we live a great neighbrohood and I do not have to worry financially which would put stress on our marriage. My daughter has really bonded with her cargivers and I am glad cause she knows she is loved, however, it does not take away from our relationship because she is always estatic to see me. Daycare is good for my son because he is picking up a ton of social skills. It seems daunting at first, but you can get used to dropping them off. BUt sounds like you are willing to downsize, and I thinking staying home can be great too. Also, not sure what your job is but if you can easliy get back into your career after 3 year break then there is more reason to do it.

I own a childcare center and I think no one can answer this question but you. I was a stay at home mom for 15 years and like you said didn't miss a minute of raising my children myself. We had one car, no vacations, didn't buy each other birthday or Christmas gifts (just the kids) but that was what I was willing to do to stay at home. I do not regret it for one minute. I think this was why I became interested in childcare because I love children and I wanted to help parents who have to work, give them the security of knowing their children are in good hands. On the other side some women are just not cut out to be a stay at home mom, and that's okay as well. I think if you are happy being home (which you sound like you are) then downsize and do what will make you comfortable and happy. I think if you are not happy leaving your baby you will begin to resent all the reasons you are working, bigger apt, etc. If you are willing to make the sacrifices of living on 1 salary then go for it. Is there any way you can work part time so you can have the best of both worlds. I do not suggest moving in with your parents, trust me after being on your own you will not want to go back and live home especially with a baby. Grandparents are wonderful but you may find you will clash when it comes to how you choose to raise your child. I know what a tough decision it is to make. I have consoled many mom's who have to go to work, and trust me for some women it is heartbreaking. Good luck in whatever you decide.

Updated

I own a childcare center and I think no one can answer this question but you. I was a stay at home mom for 15 years and like you said didn't miss a minute of raising my children myself. We had one car, no vacations, didn't buy each other birthday or Christmas gifts (just the kids) but that was what I was willing to do to stay at home. I do not regret it for one minute. I think this was why I became interested in childcare because I love children and I wanted to help parents who have to work, give them the security of knowing their children are in good hands. On the other side some women are just not cut out to be a stay at home mom, and that's okay as well. I think if you are happy being home (which you sound like you are) then downsize and do what will make you comfortable and happy. I think if you are not happy leaving your baby you will begin to resent all the reasons you are working, bigger apt, etc. If you are willing to make the sacrifices of living on 1 salary then go for it. Is there any way you can work part time so you can have the best of both worlds. I do not suggest moving in with your parents, trust me after being on your own you will not want to go back and live home especially with a baby. Grandparents are wonderful but you may find you will clash when it comes to how you choose to raise your child. I know what a tough decision it is to make. I have consoled many mom's who have to go to work, and trust me for some women it is heartbreaking. Good luck in whatever you decide.

I know it's a bit of sacrifice, but couldn't you get a part-time job and work when your husband is at home? Then your husband can take care of your daughter while you are working.

Or, you could consider posting an ad on craiglist.com (or whatever is in your area) to care for another child during the week and charge $50 a day.

Good luck

I am at SAHM too, and have made it 2 years with my first daughter, and plan to see her into pre-school at least.. I also sit 1 kid during the week to make the extra money my family needs. It allows me to continue staying home with my girls. You can be specific about age in your ad. Consider what age you could work with while giving each child what they need.

Hi- I have four children..2 of which I worked full time and the last two I stayed home with. Even though it sometimes drives me crazy, I wouldn't change it for the world. I think for the sake of your child you have to put pride aside. And I totally understand that, but time goes so fast. While daycare is not terrible and if someone has to you can find a good one, being with mom is better. :) You can always work from home. Contact me if you want an option for that.
L.
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They will be off to college before we know it.

Staying home is worth it. It's hard, but I couldn't imagine not spending every moment with my children. Who needs a big house and fancy clothes, etc.? That is just stuff.

I think you have the wrong impression of caregivers unless the center you've selected is a complete dump.

Keep in mind that caregivers have likely worked with hundreds of babies. They realize there is not a one size fits all approach and are VERY good at troubleshooting a lot of issues, they know what to do to help babies be happy, have fun, and feel loved, and they definitely know what they're doing. I was worried when I went back to work and put my baby in daycare but I realized that these women have had experience with hundreds of babies (one lady there we've affectionately dubbed Grandma Karen as she loves the babies like they're her own grandkids - she's been at the same center for 17 years, so she's definitely an expert!). I, on the other hand, had only had experience with ONE baby. I figured my son would be getting the best of both worlds: lots of love, affection, care, play and learning opportunities during the day and then quality time with me during the evening. When we struggled with getting my son how to take a sippy cup, they helped reinforce the learning process at school. They had new and neat exciting toys and activities that we didn't have at school, all developmentally appropriate and stimulating.

Would your husband definitely for sure be able to find a job? Is it a job that he can have for two years then quit and return to your current place and get his old job back? Will he be okay with a new job or will he be entirely stressed out, worrying about providing for the family as a new employee with a new employer as the sole income provider? How much job security will he have with a new job as low man on the totem pole? How much strain will be put on your marriage because you're living under your parents' roof with their rules? How will your husband react to that? Will you be able to find employment after two years of not working?

If chosen carefully, a daycare does not have the be the house of horrors people make it out to be. Of course, if you're farming your child out to the lowest bidder and cheapest place, well then of course it won't be a good situation. We are VERY happy with the place we've chosen for our sons and they have made tons of friends from different backgrounds while they get to see both mommy and daddy achieving their career goals and dreams while ALSO being VERY involved parents. For our family it was the best decision and our children have not suffered one bit.

It's sad the US is the only developed country with such a messed up maternity leave. I quit my job when our first was born (well, gradually, I worked at home for a few hours a week then they told me they have no more work for me). I don't regret for one moment going from two to one income and staying home with her! It was completely worth it! Children grow up so fast, the last thing I want is to have a 12 year old girl whom I barely know because she's constantly been in daycare and public school. I think many people have children, but very few want to be parents and take responsibility for their kids. What you feel is normal, your motherly instincts are never wrong. I would think twice about moving in with parents. You might regret it later. It might negatively impact your relationship with your husband, actually it almost certainly will. We downsized in a huge way, we're still paying our mortgage and have $0 left over at the end of the month, but it is doable. You just have to cook at home, buy in bulk, cloth diaper, and eliminate all unnecessary luxuries. It has simplified our life in many ways! If you have any more specific questions feel free to send me a message!

I totally know the feeling. It is so hard to leave them for so long every day and not be there. First of all, what you are feeling is so normal. I have a 19 month old daughter and I remember sitting there on maternity leave thinking "how am I going to go back to work?"
The reality is though, that although it is never easy to leave your children, it is probably easier to leave them at this age than later in my opinion. Why? Mainly because they sleep most of the day and they aren't doing very much that you will miss.
There were too things that I did to make sure that I got the most time with my baby. #1. I found a childcare situation where I could go and nurse my baby at lunch. This way, I only left her for 4 hours at a time and got to spend a precious hour each day seeing her. It made the transition so much easier for me. It kind of felt like I was only leaving her for her naps.
#2. When I was shaping her sleep schedule, I shifted her to a late bedtime. Some people would criticize this and it definitely does not work for every child, but she was flexible and it worked great for my husband and I. Since she went to bed when we did, we got 4-5 precious hours with her at night. She still goes to bed around 10 pm and although my friends think I am crazy, I love the night hours when we are all together as a family.

The other thing that I chose was the most affordable type of one to one care I could provide....which for me where I live was an au pair. Julia was from Germany and you could tell how much she loved children. She provided excellent one to one care for my daughter at such a young age. Since she lived with us, I felt like she was part of our family and that she was committed to our family and the best childcare I could buy. I also think you can get this from a trusted family member or nanny.

Now that my daughter is older, I think she would love a day care setting and I definitely don't think that day care is bad.....but with my next baby, I will be looking for the same type of care from an au pair. I have had two now and have been very happy for how much love they gave in their care of my child.

Sometimes I think you do have to piecemeal it together for a while and you and your husbanding deciding what is most important is key. Follow your heart and your priorities and you will choose the right thing.

K. (genymom)

I felt the same way when my son was born. I cried for the last two weeks of maternity leave. A few days before work, we took him to daycare for the first time and lasted two hours. We ended up with a nanny and I switched my hours to four days a week/10 hours at a time. I had a really amazing job and an amazing boss. I loved my job and worked hard to get where I was, but I missed my baby TERRIBLY. Every day. Yes, it got better. Yes, we got into a routine. Yes, he loved his nanny. But it never got easier for me.
When our second was born I worked out a new schedule with my boss - down to three days a week. Two weeks before I was supposed to go back, we finally both admitted this wasn't what we wanted.
My husband took a new job in a different state so I could stay home, we sold our big two-income house in a beautiful neighborhood, and downsized our lifestyle. My only regret is that we didn't do this when my son was a baby. I feel like I missed a lot during his first year.
Go for it mama! If you can downsize, do it and stay home with that S. baby girl.

I was kinda in the same situation as you, I was ready to go back to work after I had my son. Once I had him everything in me changed, I made the choice to quit my job and become a SAHM and I have never looked back or regreted it. Yes we went down to 1 income but we sat down made a budget and we stick to it. I have seen all my sons firsts...first sitting up, first tooth, first word, first crawl...etc. Being a SAHM is the most rewarding job and I enjoy it, the bond I have with my Son says it all. I could never imagine some strangers watching him and telling me what he did all day. I hope you dig deep and really think about you choice pick what's right for you and your family. Remember that downsizing for awhile for the well being of your child is a small sacrifice and well worth it. Good Luck!

I am facing the same situation pretty soon. I can't be a SAHM as much as I would like to be because we can't afford it. However I found a daycare that made me feel comfortable as soon as I walked in (really more than I wanted to pay but hubby said if it made me comfy then it was the right price).

I know I'm going to cry going back to work, especially since I work 45 minutes away. But I'm looking for a new position either within my department or with a new department that will bring me closer to home.

You have to make the right decision for your family but know this...you will find support from coworkers when you least expect it.

I would agree with some of the moms here- give yourself three months to try the working w/ daycare thing. It is true that this is the easiest age to leave a baby. I was in your shoes two years ago- I was finishing up my maternity leave and I just cried because I didn't want to leave him. I decided to quite my job (though I did go back for a month to finish things up) and stay at home with him while pursuing a masters degree in public health. To be absolutely honest- I hated it. I have always felt that I couldn't be a SAHM and I was right. My days were painfully boring (how many library story times can you go to before gouging out your eyes?) and my life started revolving around schedules and nap times, etc. It made it worse that I was in grad school and the only times I could study were during nap times and at night- just when I wanted to decompress from a long hard day of tending child.
I think you need to give yourself a little time to make this decision objectively. Right now your momma hormones are pumping. Also, her daycare providers may see some of her 'firsts' but they won't tell you and when you see her do it it will be your 'first'!
I was finally able to go back to work when our son was two and this was the HARDEST time ever. He had such a hard time adjusting but now he LOVES 'school'. I feel like a better mom- more patient, and I appreciate him so much more when we are together. See if your work is willing to do some flex time, work from home, etc. You may find that you love the system or you may find you just can't bear it and decide to stay at home. For me, it just wasn't a good fit. I need more mental stimulation and social connection. Good luck!!

It will be hard no matter what you decide but I would consider waiting awhile to make such a decision. Go back to work for 6 months then decide. If you picked a good day care, she will be fine and even thrive there. Could you work 32 hours or get to leave early and work from home an hour or so at night? Good luck!

No one can tell you what to do on this. What do you want to do? You must know. What does your husband/partner want? What is best for the baby? Have you done a budget? One thing about quitting a job to move or stay home is that the job market is horrible and you may not have a job in a year. Do you like the daycare center? Have you looked at others? Do you have other childcare options? What about a nanny share? That way you could split the cost but still have your baby home and not with so many different children and people.

So many of us have to work our way through this one. There is no universal right answer. From an objective point of view - take it one step at a time. You could try to go back to work and give it (set an amt 3 mos or so) and see how/if you adjust.... you can always quit. OR try to find a part time job - so you see her more often??? I would recommend not moving in w/ family and doing the apt. option before relocating away from jobs. Also, not sure of the housing market there, but may not be the best time to sell?

Personally, I have worked while I have had my two kids - much of it part -time - and now my husband is home w/ them. I have driven away from daycare drop offs in tears and broken down in a meeting in complete tears (sobs) and I never cry. Other days I've felt I had the perfect balance. I hope/plan to spend more time with them when then are in school - so MOM is there to come home to.

So much to consider. I would take small steps, dont' rush a decision, and know you can change your mind!

I think that this is a deeply personal and very difficult choice to make. I am a mom who works outside of my home. With my first son, my mom helped with childcare and he began childcare at 18 months. My second son was in childcare at 5 months, but only for about 3 hours a day. I worked online a lot and moved my schedule around so that I could spend as much time with my kids as I could. I had no personal time whatsoever, but it worked out okay. I have a job that was very hard to get (tenured professor) and if I quit it would be impossible for me to get a similar job. Instead I would be locked into a part-time job with no security or benefits.
The biggest factor in my decision to place my kids in childcare was how hard I had worked to get my job and the fact that my father died when I was young and my mom could not support us. I wanted to know that if anything happened to my husband that I would be able to support my family. I know this is a bit personal, but as I said, these decisions are made based on your own personal experiences in life.

So my suggestion to you is that you carefully consider your ability to get a job once you decide your kids are old enough or when you need one for financial reasons. If you think that you will be able to do that with a significant degree of certainty, then you should try to be a SAHM because I can tell that is what you really want. Oh, and do not let people make you feel bad about what you decide. You are the mom and you will be doing the best YOU can for your family.

Good luck!

all i will say is this: it kills me that i can't stay home with my little girl. she is 8 months old and unfortunately we need two incomes just to make ends meet. there's just no way around it. but, if there was any possible scenario in which i could stay home with her, i would do it in a heartbeat.

I would be very careful before moving in with your parents. The parent/ child dynamic is always present, no matter how old you are. Plus it might be a very difficult transition for your husband. If things got bad, you would be the one stuck in the middle.

As for working or not, you sound like you would really like to stay home. You have to take an honest look at your financial situation. Is this really something you can do right now? Babies only get more expensive as they get older and if you would only barely make it while she's a newborn... What if something happened - you need a new car, someone gets sick, the roof caves in? Would you be able to handle such a financial stress? Or do you make enough that it's worth it to pay for daycare? Is part time an option? Maybe you could do childcare in your home? It's quite a dilemma. Perhaps you could go back to work with the goal of moving closer to your family without moving in if they would be willing to help with childcare.

Good luck. It's a tough choice too many parents have to make.