Resentment Is Killing Me

I think it's time to buck-up and be the bigger person here. This conflict is horribly affecting everyone, so you need to bite the bullet and apologize. Apologize for how out of hand things have gotten; apologize for letting one fight get this far. If you REALLY believe that you have *no* accountability here, then you're being naive. One person cannot have a major blow-out fight alone. You can either be right, or be happy - the decision is up to you.

AFTER READING MORE RESPONSES AND YOUR SO WHAT HAPPENED: Respect is not always automatic, if you are living in someone's home (rent free or otherwise), you MUST humble yourself. If you want to resolve a serious family issue, please be painfully honest (NOT with us MAMAS, with yourself, your husband and your husband's family. I suspect forgiveness is probably there.

By the way, has your family taken you in or are they helping you out? Are you and your husband able to stand on your four feet?

You mean you were living with your husband's parents, in their home? How were they rude to you? Regarding an apology, sometime it takes a bigger person to take the first step, even if you don't feel you were in the wrong.

Your husband is NOT single, but you rarely hear of EX-mothers, you often hear of EX-wives. He is the guy in the middle because he loves you and his mother.

Blessings.......

I am totally confused by your post...

1. You are/were living with your in-laws? and moved out....
2. You lost your job and car because you moved out?
3. Your children are not permitted to see their aunts/uncles and grandparents?

You CANNOT stop your husband from seeing his mother - she is the W. who made him the man you love and she IS part of his family. YES you are married - but really - you need to take accountability for your actions as well as there is NEVER a one-sided fight/argument.

You can't claim you did NOTHING wrong....it takes two to tango. Perception IS reality. If YOU felt disrespected, then it's YOUR reality...there are two sides to EVERY story....I'd love to hear her side of things. Especially if you and your family were living with them.

IF you were yelling and screaming at them - that IS disrespectful and RUDE.

You do NOT have to like your in-laws but you HAVE to be respectful.

I think it's time to grow up and be the bigger person. You need to TALK WITH your in-laws and see what kind of compromise you can come up with. There IS middle ground. You need to see that it is NOT all about you and other people have feelings too.

This will NOT be easy. This will be hard because a person who claims no accountability (I didn't do anything wrong) it will be hard for you to HEAR what someone else has to say and feels about what THEY PERCEIVE you did wrong.....

I can't tell what it's all about.
You had a fight 2 weeks postpartum?
Your fight caused your family (you, your husband, your kids and your newborn) to move out from your in-laws (and you resent having had to move and all the changes the move brought on?).
Personally, I think an over crowded living arrangement can be a real tinder box and anything is likely to set it off.
Although the changes might have been traumatic, over all, in the long run, it's probably for the best.
Everyone needs to respect their space and gingerly begin contact again.
I'm sure they miss the kids, but I don't think back sliding to how things were before will be productive.
Just make contact slowly and try not to blame anyone for how things turned out.
Everyone moves away from their parents sooner or later.
Additional:
I went back and read your older posts.
Moving out was definitely the right thing to do.
And your husband married you and he needs to remember who he's married to.
That means he needs to leave his Mommy and cleave unto you and the kids.
Actually, after the things she said, I'm surprised your husband wants to speak with her at all let alone see her.
With a family of 5 and one income you might qualify for some assistance.
It's going to be hard getting use to a new normal, but being on your own and not living under someone else s roof can be a very freeing experience.
Your MIL and SIL need to hire a good handyman and leave your husband alone.
Actually - there's no real reason to stay in the area.
Look for better job opportunities (and cost of living) and see about relocating to a better place anywhere in the USA.

Are you most resentful for the financial outcome of the situation? Or is it the actions of your husband? Or is it that your Mother In Law has made no effort?

From your past post, your MIL said some outrageous things to you. But I think Lesley is right, the blow out was the both of you not handling the situation as adults would. You both are to blame. It sounds as if she had some built up resentment of her own and having you and her son and your family in her home was just going to amplify her feelings. Not to say what she said was excusable. You've just got to realize that you all had a part in it. Everyone in the house contributed to the buildup of that fight.

I second the motion to call her. Hat in hand. Tell her you want to work on getting a conversation going again. For your husband and your children, you want to reach out to her. As pride swallowing as it may be, I think it may be worth it to apologize. Things will never be the way they were. But maybe you can get to an understanding for the sake of your family.

Not sure of what all happened, but you can't keep your husband from still having a relationship with his mother.

I can't think of anything so horrible that my MIL could do to keep my husband from having a relationship with her. I'm not particularly fond of my BIL or his wife, but I'm not keeping my husband from seeing his brother. Dispite all of the craziness with them.

Oh my goodness! I read what happened when you first posted it and I just read it again. I'm so sorry for the things she said to you. I'm guessing that there's no just sitting down and talking to her. I can totally understand why you wouldn't want your husband talking to her! However, he's a mamma's boy. He's not going to just cut ties with her.

As I see it, here are your options..1) have a sit down with your husband SIL and MIL and try to come to a grown up solution 2) give your husband an ultimatum (a horrible idea, btw) 3) just let it go. If #1 isn't an option, then you have to go with #3. You have to. If she hates you, why do you want her around your kids anyway? My stepmom and I don't get along. We tried to fake it for awhile, but we just don't like each other. There's too much resentment from the past. She was not very nice to me when I was little and has never apologized or admitted that she was wrong. If I even look at her funny she won't talk to me for months. So, I just let it go. I don't want my kids around someone that treats me like that. As they grow up, they're going to realize what's going on. At that point, I'll try to explain.

You're wasting a lot of time and energy being mad at them. You are the only one that can control how you let others affect you. I definitely think you should talk to your husband. I would want to know if she's using these visits with him as a bash fest on you, or if it's just business as usual. If she's bashing you, is he standing up for you?

I guess there is an option #4. You could suck it up and apologize to her. I don't really know what you did wrong, but maybe an "I'm sorry for offending you." would smooth things over? I honestly don't think you were in the wrong, but she probably doesn't see it that way. If she just wants to be right, then that would probably make things better. You'll just have to grin and bare it, I guess.

If this were me... I would tell my husband to tell me the truth. Does he love me? Does he love his children? Does he feel I'm a good wife and Mother? If he hesitated or said "well..." or "no" - I'd tell him fine, I'll start looking for a divorce lawyer.

If he says "Of course!" or "Yes" then I'd tell him he needs to stand up for me to his family and that they should not feel it is ok to disrespect me in such a way and to hurt our children by pointedly ignoring them. If she still acted like she is - then he needs to avoid his family and stick to his wife and children.

Do you have children? A son?

Let's imagine that your son is married to a woman that, well, you don't really care much for. The two of you have it out and then all of a sudden this woman has the audacity to tell your son that he is not allowed to talk to you anymore?!?

I don't think you'd be okay with that either.

So because your MIL was rude to YOU, she isn't supposed to have access to her SON anymore? Doesn't sound right to me, no matter how much of a PITA she is.

It's really hard to give advice without know more details. What exactly happened?

Hi,

I am sorry for your situation. I would ask yourself a few questions-- Why do I want to have a relationship with MIL or SIL? What do they bring to the family that is positive and loving? How can I ask my husband to stand up for our family? What am I willing to do in order to make amends and move the relationship forward? Is it worth it? After you answer these, you will have a much clearer idea of what you should do. Personally with the things that your MIL said to you, I wouldn't want to have a relationship. I would find other female figures for my children to have relationships with and I would forget about their existence. People who demean, belittle and bash don't have any place in my life---they shouldn't have a place in yours either. Family or not---you have to earn respect and give respect to be a part of my life. GL

M

What was the fight about? she obviously feels justified. You used to live with DH parents and you had to move? ..So then If you and she fought and it forced you to move out and then the other things are just consequences of your move not things your mother in law did to you.

I can understand you want your husband to support you but remember this is his family and he should have a relationship with them. As I do not know the details as to what transpired with you guys I can't give too much advise but.....do you want your kids to grow up having a relatioship with your MIL and SIL? If you do want them to be a part of the kids lives at least make amends where you can be civil. Whether or not you want a relationship with them is your choice.

It is hard to give advice without knowing more information. You say that you were not in the wrong, but frankly - that is a matter of opinion. Obviously your MIL doesn't feel that way! LOL ~ Maybe you could post more details and we would be able to give you a different perspective, and/or agree/disagree with who is in the wrong here. Most likely - you were BOTH in the wrong!!

Best advice I can give with the information I have - is to suck it up and make it work!! You should not forbid your husband from seeing his mother! That is an AWFUL thing of you to request of him - she is his mother. Now if they are getting together and talking about you behind your back in a derogatory way, then that is different, but he should be allowed a relationship with his mother whether you like her or not. I am sure that he is not spending as much time with her as he would be if you and she were getting along.