Reselling Stuff I Gave

I send box loads of clothes to my SIL full of Abercrombie, Hollister and other name brands that are in great shape for reuse.

I tell her... Let ------ pick out and use whatever you like and if something does not fit or you don't like it, pass it on.

Once I ship it, it's not mine to call it. I gave it to them. If SIL chooses to sell online or whatever, that's her deal not mine.

If you guys do not have a great relationship and it annoys you, then do not give her stuff anymore, and donate it to someone that you think could really use it.
Personally, when I give stuff away/donate it, clearing up the space in my house is payment enough.
I would LOVE to put a garage sale together and sell some of it, but this far I have been to lazy to do so.
If they are motivated enough to sell it, I say more power to them!!

When I give things away, whether new or used.. I could care less what they end up doing with it if they are finished with it, do not like, it or do not need it..

I also sell stuff that have been gifts to me.

I do not keep score.

IF I wanted something back, I would tell them I was LOANING it to them.

We all need to clear out stuff and selling it donating, or giving it away is a lot better than throwing it away.

If an item was GIVEN to me then it's mine and I can do whatever I want with it. If it is LOANED to me then I will give it back.
L.

You say "...I realize I gave it to her, and it belongs to her, and she can do what she wants with it," but you don't really mean that. You still want control over "your stuff", except it's not yours anymore, it's hers. What she did was not tacky, and she's not required to notify you when she is selling things that belong to her. If you wanted that stuff back, you should have loaned it to her, not given it to her. And now you're mad at her, admit you have a not-so-great relationship with her, and want us to validate your immature reaction to something that happened to stuff.

STUFF. Not your sister, she's not hurt or in danger or being given away, you're mad about STUFF. Seriously, let it go or you may NEVER get along with her.

eta (now that I read the other responses)...
I still don't understand how this is tacky. How is her sister suppose to remember who gave her which things? I hope no one who ever gave me anything expected me to remember, years later, which one of them gave me which shirt, or which sheet set, or which picture, so that I could return it when I was done, even though it was given to me free and clear of obligation. Because that's how a gift should be given, freely. If you have alternative motives in your giving, it's not a gift.

Before she sold the items it would have been nice if she asked you if you wanted them back

Both... tacky AND fair game.

I guess it would make me think twice about giving her stuff, but that's just me. The problem is that it's just so "in-your-face" by putting it on the same site you are on, so that you see it all. If she would have given you the heads-up and you could have said, "Hey, I'd like to have such-and-such back", that would have shown a whole lot more respect for your generosity.

Dawn

i think it's fair....if you wanted the stuff back you should have told her when you gave it to her that you wanted it back. you didn't put any stipulation on anything so it's almost like on your feet loose your seat!!!

I think its ok to do with as she pleases. Only if you had told her that you wanted them back when she was done, or to at least CHECK with you, and she didn't...THEN it would be rude. So you gave them to her and she is selling them. Next time, sell them yourself of give them to her and let her know you want them back. Good luck!

Once you gave them to her - they became hers. You did not give them to her with the promise to return them once she is done with them, right?

IF however, there were things you could use again - then you should have said to her - when you are done with them - I could use them again. Thanks. If she still got rid of them - then poxy on her.

Otherwise? In my book - once you gave them away - they became her property.

Don't let this get to you. You have stated you don't have a good relationship with her - maybe you can work on it. I don't know your history with her. But I can tell you that getting upset over stuff you gave to her isn't going to help!!

Good luck!

I don't think it's tacky at all.
Unless you ask for it back when the other person is done with it, once it leaves your possession, it's theirs to use, sell, or light on fire if they wish.

if you want it back, or you want to profit from it, make it clear when you give it to her that it's a loan, and the time frame in which you want it returned.
other than that, totally fair game.
i'm always a little surprised that anyone gets resentful over this. it would never occur to me that a gift isn't something i'd be free to dispose of when i'm finished using it.
sounds like this is more about disliking your SIL than anything else.
if you have rules about how what you want done with your former stuff, it's up to you to be very clear what they are.
but really. once you're done with it, let go of it.
khairete
S.

I think it's fair and I do it all the time...I donate some of it and some of the nicer things I sell...

I gave a ton of stuff to my sister when she had my niece and if she ends up selling it, good for her...If I wanted to sell it, I would have before I gave it to her...

If there are things you want back, maybe you could make mention to her?

I agree that it's tacky of her, but unfortunately, there's not much you can do - you DID give it to her. But, yeah...tacky...

I use a double standard:

When *I* give a gift, it's theirs to do with as they please.

When I GET a gift, I always ask before passing something in (gifting or selling)

In general, I always make it clear when I pass stuff along to a friend if it's theirs to keep or if I want it back. With clothes, I put my initials on the tag if I want it back, but leave it blank if I don't. They are free to do what they want with the stuff I don't tag. For bigger stuff, I generally ask for it back and they know that up front, but they are welcome to keep it as long as they need it. When I don't want something back, I tell them to do whatever they want with it when they are done.

I think you just need to make your expectations clear in the future. If you want it back, say so. If not, expect that it will be sold and not donated.

I agree that it is fair game, but it is definitely tacky!!! It is true that once you give them to her they are no longer yours, but really, the classy thing to do would have been to check with you first.

You're right (in your SWH) to just let it go. It's not worth asking her about it. But I'd be ticked too!

Yes, it is her stuff now to do with what she wants.
Yes, it is tacky

Going forward, I'd just give her a few odds and ends, then sell your things yourself. If she has a comment about how she could have used such-and-such, then she has brought it up and you can tell her how you feel, if you wish, or you could say "I admired how you were able to turn the things around that I gave you, and we could use some extra cash too!"

When I give things like that away, I say something like ' I hope if these don't fit or when you are done with them, you can donate them to another child'. No - I can't in anyway enforce that, but I would certainly feel obligated to donate something that was given to me that way.

I totally get where you're coming from!!! My sister used to do this ALL the time when her kids were little. She'd put toys and clothes out for her garage sale and what bothered me was I never saw the kids wear the clothes or play with the toys! It was as if she'd put them out soon after receiving them. Back then, she needed the money so I kept my mouth shut. But after I caught on to what she was doing, I cut down on the amount of gifts. I wasn't exactly rolling in dough myself!!!

I don't have to worry too much any more since all her kids are grown BUT if I give her something that's been in the family I tell her if she has any thoughts of getting rid of it, I WANT IT BACK! I specifically tell her I DO NOT want to see this out in her garage sale. She assures me it won't be. (She was given our Grandmother's beautiful cut-glass bowl many years ago; I accused her of selling it but she swears she still has it. Funny how it's been over 30 years and it has yet to materialize!!!)

Sorry, I digress!! lol!!

To answer your question, yes, in my opinion it is tacky to sell the stuff - especialy knowing you would see it. I would have first asked you about it then if you didn't want it, I would have donated the stuff.

If the stuff isn't already sold, I would simply ask her about it. Tell her you could use it again. BUT, if it's going to start a ruckus, I would just let it go and not give her stuff any more.

Good luck!!

A gift is a gift, not yours to dictate. My mom was over the top in this area. If she gave you something she expected to be able to dictate exactly how and when it was used regardless of what was easier on you. Needless to say none of us wanted anything from my mom after a while.

Don't be my mom! :p

Once you give stuff away, even money (even if you think it's only loaned), don't expect to get it back.

It would have been nice for her to ask if you wanted anything back before she sold it, but she was under NO obligation to do that. It was hers to sell or give away after you gave it to her, period.

Sadly, there aren't many ways it could have played out where you didn't look like a jerk.

I don't think you probably could have given her any baby stuff and told her you wanted it back, that seems a little silly to me since babies can be hard on things and i would fear using them if someone wanted them back, maybe not the decor items but clothes and even equiment like bouncers and highchairs. maybe some will think i'm silly for feeling that way.

And now that it's out there, i think it would make yu look silly to say you want back what you see her selling.

it would have been great if she had offered it back or ran it by you first. but ...

maybe there is a small chance that Karma will do you a good one and she plans on taking you out to dinner with the profits :)

at the very least, feel good that it's being kept out of the landfill and that someone is getting some nice third hand stuff for much less than they would have if they had to pay for it new, and try to just forget the jerkiness of your SIL and don't give her anything again.

No it is not tacky she is selling 'her stuff'. It is tacky you are perturbed about it though. If you could have used some of the items again, you shouldn't have given them away in the first place or have stated you wanted them back.

It is tacky--but some people are just tacky!

Wow, I think she should be ashamed of herself! If she was going to sell it, she could've at least done it privately. Now you know that she is greedy and not to give her anything else.

Fair game! You can't keep inventory of all the stuff people give you for your child and then approach each person to ask permission before dispensing of it.

How much profit do you think she is going to make off of the stuff? Its now gone through two kids - maybe a couple of dollars an item?

Once you give the stuff away, you don't have any say in what happens to it after. You could donate the stuff to a charity, and the anonymous recipient could sell the stuff in a yard sale.

Just take a deep breath and then let this one go. Its probably MORE tacky to question what she is doing with the stuff you gave than for her to sell it.

When you give it--it's either a gift or a loan.
This stuff was a gift, right?
Hers to do what she chooses now.
Would it be better if she was donating it and you never knew?
Sorry...confused as to the issue here.

When you gift something, then they don't have to check with you before selling it or throwing it away or doing whatever they choose with it. It's fair game and NOT tacky.

If they BORROW something and you make it clear that it's still yours, then they can't do anything with it until checking with you. If someone borrowing something sells it or gives it away, that's out of line (for the person who borrowed).

Now... if you gifted the items and stated, "If you decide you no longer need them, I would appreciate having them back because I know of several families that are in need of items like these" and that was a term of giving them over to her but she sold them or gave them away anyway... that's out of line (for the person who was gifted ie. long-term borrowed).

I'm not even touching the relationship complications because I don't think that's really relevant. :-)

Wow. I LOVE how you are getting slammed for asking a simple question on a Monday morning.

Yes you gave her the stuff, and yes it's hers to do what she wants with it. But it does seem a little tacky for her to be selling it. When I was given stuff, I always asked if the giver wanted it back, or if she knew anybody else who could use some charity. I think it is tacky for her to be making money off of free stuff. Receivers of charity should pass it along to someone else in need. That's only fair.

Your reaction isn't immature to me. It's a reaction, and a simple question.

My bet is that even if you had told her in advance that you were 'loaning' the items to her, she'd have forgotten and sold them in front of you anyway.

My bet is that she is greedy and stingy in other areas of her life. I find it very rude that she would sell used items gifted to her by you actually in front of you. Very, very tacky without running it by you with a simple...Do you mind if....

Having been there and done that and given away fabulous items to friends, like jogging strollers, and high end play ground equipment, even a trampoline, only one time did I make it very clear that if they did not have a continued use for the item I would like to have it back to give to another family in need. And of course, I did not receive the loaned item back to re-gift. So, you see, even asking up front won't change some people's sense of entitlement. I only give away with the expectation to never see it again.

Yes, it is tacky and I would not do that. I always tried to pass on things that were given to me when I no longer needed them.

However, since you gave her the things, they are hers to do with what she wants.

In the future, edit what you are giving her. Keep whatever you may want back.

Anything I loaned out (key word, LOANED)...I would put my or my child's name or initials in it. That way it was marked...

All of my friends pass around maternity clothes and baby clothes and baby gear. We mark what we want back and don't mark things we don't want back. That way everyone knows who loaned them what and what was given.

A sharpie marker on the tag is all it takes to keep things straight...otherwise how could we ever keep straight what was given and what was loaned.

Half my daughter's current shoes have other kids initials or names written in them...when we out grow we return.

Fair game.

If you wanted the items back, you should have told her ahead of time. I totally get where you're coming from though.

I feel ya! My sister had a boy after I had my last 2 kids. I gave her a TON of stuff. Because shes a single mom, AGAIN. She gets herself way on over her head all the time.
So I said to her that I can give her things, big things but keep them off your registry so you'll leave room to get other things you need. If you don't want certain things because you don't like the design pattern etc fine just let me know.
Well she took a lot, a swing, bouncy seat, jumperoo, walker etc....and registered for ALL of them anyways. And of course got ALL of them. She did offer any of it back NO.
I am rightfully mad because she took advantage of me, never offered the stuff back. AND I found out she was selling a lot of the stuff! WTH??? Giving someone things because they need them does not make it ok for that person to turn around and sell it! I %100 agree, DONATE things that were given to you! If you're not going to ask the person who gave it to you if they want it back. It IS tacky to make profit off of things given to you when someone was trying to help you out!

I think it's fine if she is done with the things you gave her to do as she wishes. You did give the stuff to her. And if you wanted some of the stuff back, just ask, in a nice way, of course. when I gave my sister things, I expect her to do whatever with the things, but there were somethings I did not want her to get rid of so I told her.