Religious Differences - Tacoma,WA

Very seductive isn't it. Until you are in and then you are an oppressed woman. Just study it from a distance before you fall into something you know too little about.
Many people do fall into a seductive community of Mormons or Muslims or other faiths that stress community. In the end they lose everything they once held dear and succome to the traditions of the new religion. They'll even find you a new husband if the one you have divorces you.
Look before you leap.

You can't have your cake and eat it too like with so many other things in life. You can explore your desire to become a Muslim. You can even decide to become a Muslim. You can love your Muslim community with all your heart and find your true feelings of value in God there. But you cant' make your husband like it or accept it. Maybe you're meant to be divorced and marry a Muslim if your husband isn't fitting your idea of being supportive of your spiritual needs.

So pick which is more important to you. Your freedom to possibly become Muslim, or your husband. But respect him enough not to expect him to be happy he has a possibly Muslim wife. Religion is a deal breaker for lots of people. It's not a flaw of his. Because your religion has never been important to you (before) you're not seeing how important his is to him.

As with any religion there are good ones and bad ones....extreme and not so extreme.

You need to understand the Koran and what it entails. There is a LOT of "hate" and "ignorance" out there about Islam and Muslim Faith...

Your husband fought for our freedoms - if he was recently (within the last 15 years) in the military - then he was fighting against Muslims if he was deployed. So there is his anger. Another part of his anger is what he doesn't know and what he hears....instead of researching it himself.

Not talking about it? Well, that's danger for ANY marriage. Communication is key to ANY relationship. Let him be angry but continue to communicate.

Get informed. Research and understand what it means to be Muslim. Just as you would with ANY faith. Muslim's call God "Allah"...and believe in God. They just call Him a different name. There are other things that get taken to the extreme (all that do not believe in Allah - must be converted or die)..I don't have the exact words - but this is the part of the Koran that EXTREMISTS pay attention to and that Allah will have 99 vestal virgins waiting for them when they commit acts of heroism....(not the right wording - again - it comes from the EXTREME side and their way of twisting words to make it work for them).

It might be that you felt warmth because for once you didn't feel pushed into it....maybe you can try another faith too with the same open mind? I don't know.

A.,

I can't know what to say about your situation with your husband, simply because I've never been in your shoes within a marriage. My folks have had a difficult time respecting (and finally, being relatively silent about) my choice to be a happy secular humanist (who has faith, by the way). It was a hard road and there are still moments where I just bite my tongue. There's nothing I can do or say to convince them that I've made a fine choice for my own self.

One question I want to ask, just to get it off the table, is this: is there anything else going on in your relationship which has caused friction? The reason I ask is because I've learned (through my experience with my folks) that sometimes, religion is the *easier* upset to talk about, get angry about.

Your husband may have the perspective that he's always been a Christian and that it has always been his path to be a Christian. That in itself can mean a lot of different things to different people. Some more progressive Christians would have no trouble with your desire to further acquiant yourself with the Muslim faith and life, because they believe that all roads lead to the same God. There are of course other perspectives which are far more strict in how one "can" believe in God, and that there's only one God and that is the Christian God. It sounds like your husband is in the second category. Sadly, there is a lot of baggage that goes with this sort of belief. It's my guess (and this is only from my own experience) that he is considering this as a betrayal of his understanding with you-- that you would worship *nothing* may have seemed far better to him, and more workable over time--than your going to a Mosque with people of an entirely different faith. Faith is a big part of his life and you are sharing that aspect of your life with others, not with him. He may just be at a loss as to how to bridge this gap, and so he's angry. You changed, or are possibly changing; he didn't.

What do YOU want to do? You do have options to continue to go to the Mosque and have him continue to be upset. You can stop going to the Mosque for a short while, just to give him some time and breathing space, and also be clear that you aren't done exploring this. If it were me, I'd consider going to counseling with a non-denominational counselor who can respect both of your perspectives. Usually with guys, there is sometimes something much deeper going on that they might be afraid to talk about. He may be afraid of losing you or of feeling put in the position of having to divorce...who knows what his fears are? Personality types too: some people are more open to change and adapt with fluidity--they are able to be supportive; others look at this sort of change as "someone upset the apple cart" and as a calamity to be avoided.

I wish I had more wisdom to offer. I do know, from my own journey, that it's important to find a spiritual dwelling place which is right for my authentic self, the self that's not trying to please my family. I know a lot of other people do not place the same importance on this or are capable of going through the motions when it comes to religion. You had a great first impression of the Muslim community at the Mosque, and it's worth doing some further exploration and research to find out if this is right for you.

Blessings, no matter what you choose~ H.

If you have been what you always were and now you are not, that may be shaking his foundation a bit. He may be hereing all the stories of homegrown terrorists that converted. Maybe misinformation and probably fear of change. He likes being the moral authority in the house. This is a new side of you that he doesn't know and can't control. He also must be considering his children. If you convert, the kids will follow.

I am Christian and don't see a problem with exploring. If your faith is strong than it is only made stronger when you stop to consider what others think and look at it next to what you think. I applaud someone taking the time to figure out what they believe, rather than just inheriting a religion and never giving much thought to it.

I dated a Muslim man and he taught me so much about love, life, respect, boundaries, temptation, and his religion. I loved going to the Mosque and learning about the religion. It's been hijacked by extremists, but it really is a beautiful religion and they are worshiping the same God as us. It was in a college town and there were people in the Mosque from all over the world of all colors and nationalities and yet there was no prejudice at all. They were fascinating and exotic and I felt accepted. Even as a white Christain woman dating a black Muslim man. No eye brows were raised.
When it comes right down to practicing it though, that's when it goes from a moral choice to a lifestyle decision.
I like sitting in church next to my husband. Being segregated would get to me. I don't see stopping my day 5 times a day to do an attention-getting public prayer. I may occasionally Tebow, but privately, to myself. There's also the language barrier. You're expected to learn Arabic. And then, once you've decided to make the conversion, you have to decide if you are Sunni or Shia. So, you are automatically picking a side in a centuries old civil war. Then again, you have to reconsider what it means to be an adult woman. Do you continue wearing makeup and showing your hair? Do you continue wearing knee length skirts, jeans, heels and tight t-shirts? Or scarves and less form fitting clothes? So, while it sounds good on paper, the actual practice of Islam is another animal.

Who's to say you can't attend a Mosque without actually converting?

If you did convert - whole heartedly, officially and spiritually, I believe you may learn that you may not be 'allowed' to be married to a Christian according to the Muslim religion (please forgive my ignorance if I am incorrect). There are also a lot of dietary/clothing restrictions, which you should keep in mind, especially if you have children.

Educate yourself on this or any other religion instead of an automatic reaction. I had a great time with my friends in high school at their church groups (I'm Jewish), but just because I had fun didn't mean I wanted to join their church (that was fun trying to explain to my parents!)

Religion is not something to get divorced over. Hatred, or intolerance that is actually bigotry, is, imo.

Ask him to sit down and have a conversation with you about this, and to leave his emotions out of it, if he can. Ask him what specifically it is about this situation that has him so upset. Then, listen and don't judge/react emotionally. When he's done, you'll probably both need to take some time to process what he said, so thank him for sharing, and let him know you'll think about what he said (even if you blood is boiling, be calm and thank him for sharing).

Then, come back to it again in a couple of days or so, when you have both had a chance to think. This time, ask him to listen to you, and not react or be emotional. Then, share with him what you are planning (exploring the faith, learning, etc.).

There is good & bad in all religions, to some extent or another. But I am wondering if he serve overseas and/or was indoctrinated by the military (or even, really, our society) to be bigoted against Muslims..... Overcoming that indoctrination is very hard. I wish I had some better advise for you. If he feels threatened by you doing this, then he needs to examine why it is that he feels that way. And unfortunately, you can't force him to examine his thoughts/feelings about this, unless he wants to. But you can approach it calmly, which may help (at least help you).

Not the same as you, however this is my situation. I was born and raised strict Christian... WI synod Lutheran to be exact and pounded in my head from BIRTH that I would go to hell if I believed anything else. My mother would pray for my soul every single time I questioned faith and church. As early as I can remember, and from the time I could think and read for myself, Theology always interested me. I started learning and reading everything to do with all world religion. It bothered my pastors and teachers (went to school till 9th grade in a WSL christian school) to the point they banned any religious book other than ones they purposely allowed me to read. Namely just the bible. Their inability to see past something like boundries and spirituality set my mind in stone I will no longer consider myself christian. What they didnt understand is that I believe in a higher power, but that I can NOT label it with a religious affiliation. I too married my first husband that was a lazy christian and believe what I did, until he met someone one he was having an affair with from a Methodist persuasion and I never could understand what his need for me to go to church all the time with him was. I found out much later, thats why. I divorced. I then started dating, and I dated a devout Muslim from Morocco. I traveled there, I studied the religion, I also found it very peaceful and loving religion IFFFFF the Moola was well versed, liberal, and understanding. Just like every religion that is out there you have your fanatics and die-hards. This is why its so hard to commit to anything for me. Our engagment didnt work, and not for lack of trying but because I could see this wouldnt work in the future. I met a man from India, that was a blase Hindu. If you want to EVER learn a religion that is more peaceful, interesting, intricate, and strange experience, then you should try Hindu of the Juggernaut type. There are thousands of gods, and gods of those gods, Books older than the bible and a culture and society older than most. Buddhism as well is a beautiful, peaceful one as well. I have not converted, but often I go to temple to observe many of there traditions, Pooja's, Holidays, festivals. Believe me Hindu's if allowed, would have a holiday for every single day of the year!! Holi and Divali alone trump Easter and Christmas any day.
I would say, until you try em all, dont commit. Islam is a WONDERFUL experience, its great to have the unity. It sounds like the Mosque that your friends belong too is more open than most.
I have not converted, and never have faltered in my belief that there is a higher power, I do miss occasionally the community feeling of belonging to a church, but I can not bring myself to be hypocritical. I also have a hard time with fanatics that are hard headed and hard hearted. My children will also be allowed to grow with the knowledge they can do what they want as far as believing in something. They are exposed to all religion as my family is pretty much christian, my friends are of all walks of life, and my husbands family is Hindu. We go to anything and everything we are invited to so as long as we are welcome we participate.

I have not been through that. But I would suggest that his anger stems maybe not so much AT YOU, but elsewhere. Maybe it is anger that an underlying hope of his (that you would become Christian alongside him) is being dashed. Maybe it is anger with himself for not seeing that something like this (you choosing to be something, but NOT what he is) was a possibility. I can assure you that MOST people who are religious, regardless of their faith, if they marry someone of "no" faith, hope that their spouse will eventually join them and share the same faith with them. It is not nearly as much of an issue to practice nothing, as it is to practice something different. "Nothing" is an empty hole that doesn't compete. If that makes any sense. What you have introduced into your relationship is competition for a spot that he thought you would either leave empty or eventually fill with a SHARED faith.

I cannot say that this will or won't cause deterioration of your marriage. But at least give him some time to deal with this change. Because going from practicing no religion to practicing a religion different from his, IS a change. Most wedding vows include "better or worse" somewhere in there.... in his mind, with you practicing no religion is neutral. Better would be you becoming Christian. Worse is any other choice. And that would apply no matter what religion he practiced I think. If he were Muslim and you were not practicing, then if you became Christian, he would view that as "worse".
Give him some room to deal with the emotions he is having.

It can be difficult when spouses don't share the same religious beliefs. One thing you may want to consider is that religion is more than an inner feeling--it is a set of beliefs and guiding principles--a faith. Have you researched what the Muslim faith is all about? Do you agree with it? There are groups of warm and nice people of all faiths, but all believe different things. Have you had a conversation with your husband about what aspects of the Muslim faith he has a problem with? Doing that might help you to see his point of view.

I'm not trying to be mean.. I'm really, really not. But, as a devout Christian, he should understand that there's a reason the Bible says that marriage partners should be "equally yoked."

I don't know how to accomplish this, but somehow you need to get him to sit down and discuss his deep aversion to you attending a Muslim service. What, really, is at the heart of the issue? Is it religion, or is it his fear of others responses to him having a Muslim wife?

In reality, Christianity and Islam have always been in conflict. From the very beginning, according to the Bible, it was a family issue - half-brothers who went off in different directions and were the fathers of two different religions.

I find it very un-Christian of him to automatically say he will divorce you over this...

One of the reasons I left an ex was his refusal to accept my religion after we were married.
When we were dating, he was Christian, and I was not, and he knew I was not. I joined a Unitarian church while we were engaged, and he almost broke off the engagement over my having joined a church without talking to him about it, because he wanted us to have the same church. Only probelm was, he wanted it to be a Methodist church. He finally joined the Unitarian church, in his words, "for the sake of unity," but he never felt at home there and constantly referred to attending services there as "playing church." When my continued study and seeking led me to the realization that Paganism was the right path for me, he never passed up a chance to ridicule it.
After he and I split, I resolved that any man who wanted to decide my spiritual path for me would be shown the door tout de suite.

Ask yourself what about the mosque brought you peace. Is it something you found because of the people? Do you go to a less than fulfilling church and could a new church home be beneficial to you? If you are going on a true faith journey, you should talk to your current leadership, people in your church, and other faiths. One of my friends almost converted to Judiasim, but then realized it wasn't for him, it was for his then-fiancee. Make sure that any faith choice is about YOU and not someone else.

That said, if you really feel drawn to convert to another faith, you must accept that your husband is likely to have a hard time. And, yes, maybe it's not "fair" but maybe he will choose to divorce you. It can be very hard to have multiple faiths in a household and your choice may not be something he can live with. In my case, my DH is not religious and I am and there are still times where I wished he would be more open to joining me (and now us, since I have DD).

People say religion is not something to get divorced over, but I say it's shades of gray, especially if two people are devout in different faiths. Not that people can't grow, but you married him (or he you) with one set of parameters and this is a big deal. Most couples I know either had one partner change to the other faith or they worked it out before marriage and children, and didn't change once they were married.

If you stay married but you stay on this path, you and DH MUST come to an agreement about any future children and their upbringing. If DH had not agreed that I would bring DD to my church and raise her with my beliefs, we would either not have her or not still be married.

And it's not just about him vs you. You need to recognize that you accepted him with certain beliefs and now you need to find a way to continue to respect his POV. He's told you where he stands at this time. It can be hard to feel like you've found something wonderful but your spouse doesn't appreciate it, but take a step back and think about what would be a game-changer for you. How would you feel?

I also suggest counseling. This is not a simple thing.

Hi A.,

This is a complex situation so there may be no simple answer. Christians are commanded (in the Bible) to marry those that believe like they do. This is for at least two reasons. One reason is just what you explained above. It is causing strife. The other reason is that two people that believe differently tend to compromise to make peace and there is absolutely no compromise in Christianity. I mean specifically that if there are two faiths involve that they tend to be watered down.

You also said you didn't feel anything at any of the Christian churches you visited. The Church is simply a a gathering of Christians. Your feelings should come from YOUR relationship.... Christianity is not a religion. It is a relationship with Christ. By visiting the Mosque you are not simply embracing a religion but you are turning your back on what should be the most important relationship he has, the one with Christ. If he turned his back on you for someone else you would consider that a betrayal, wouldn't you?

I don't mean any offense but your husband is hurt. I don't doubt you are feeling a sense of belonging but you've turned his world upside down. Personally, I don't believe he will get over this unless he betrays what he says he believes. You're the only one that can determine if this is worth it or not.

My two cents.

M.

Where else does this show up in your relationship? I mean his rigidness vs. your willingness to explore and experience new things? Has this been an issue before? Just going from your post, I find that to be the biggest challenge here, not religion.

Two people in a marriage are going to go through life changes, and not always together, and not always in the same direction. You are very young. Does he expect your beliefs, views, choices, to stay the same? What about his?

Religion may be a touchy subject, but so is money, sex, children, in-laws, career, etc. The two of you need to find a way to get to the bottom of his strong reaction to this? Is it about fear of change, fear of Islam itself, fear of the unknown?

I would advise you to wait to actively explore this religion further until you and your husband can find a way to discuss this. If you cannot, then you have a different choice to make.

My son, his wife, and their three kids are Muslims. I am an atheist. There were some challenging times during the time he was converting, and trying to be a strict Muslim. Since then, he has explored the religion and its practices and found a more moderate way of life. His wife was raised in the religion and so has a broader, and more moderate, view of the practices.

Muslims are allowed to marry and be married to Christians (or Jews). All three religions pray to the same God. Muslims are allowed to pick and choose the practices that fit into their lives (as people of all religions do). So the food, praying, dress, and other aspects you will see practiced to various degrees. My son's family does not eat Halal (too difficult and expensive), prays when they can (challenging with small children!), attends Mosque regularly, and dresses moderately (she does not veil).

I am so sorry that you are going through this. As a person who also had a crisis of faith, I know how you feel! It is not easy when all you are looking for are answers and a sense of peace and you don't really find either. My crisis came about 5-6 months ago. I have been married to my husband for almost 11 years and together for 12 (I'm 31). We were both raised Christian and were taught to have strong faith. My husband has never really acted like a believer and was very quiet about his faith. I started to really question my religion a few years ago. I decided that I didn't agree with all of it's teachings and decided it wasn't for me anymore. It is a really personal choice. I have a peace in my heart that I have never had before. He is still a Christian although he stopped going to chuch when I did. I have encouraged him to go back and to take our kids if that is what he wishes, but after attending so many churches, I know that I don't want to go back. We don't argue about it. We have a mutual love and respect for one another just like we should.

Not to be too rude(really!), but your husband sounds a little immature and a lot unreasonable. Life involves arguments and disagreements. That doesn't give us the excuse to ignore our loved ones feelings and act like children when we don't agree with them. You should definitely try to sit down and talk to him about your thoughts as long as he is willing to listen with an open mind and heart. Ask him how he would feel if you turned your back on him when he was having a crisis of some sort? You should be able to talk to him without him being unreasonable and lean on him when you have no one else to turn to. He loved you when you were an atheist, he needs to continue to love you while you explore other religions.

My simple response is, do you believe everything about this new religion? If there are even a few things that you cannot accept, then you cannot truly join it with a true heart. I am a non-denominational Christian and have my own personal relationship with God. I have never chosen a denomination becuase I could not agree with everything in any that I looked at. My best girlfriend is LDS and I attended church with her many times. I gave serious thought to converting, however there were some things about their beliefs that I did not believe in (ie, 5 levels of Heaven, etc) so becuase I did not believe that to be true in my heart, I know I could not accept this denomination in any good conscience. I'm very happy and comforted with my personal relationship I have my God. I pray almost everyday and talk with Him whenever I want to.
I just caution that you study this VERY hard. Missionaries of ANY religion will always be wonderfully nice becuase of the very fact that want to convert as many people as possible. My husband is also millitary and has been to the Middle East several times. He made Arab friends that we sill keep in contact with. But seeing their culture, which is HIGHLY driven by their religion, is enough for both of us to know we would never convert. Research their beliefs on how women, orphaned children and handicapped people are viewed and treated. Their perspectives on these critical issues are in no way acceptable to me. But your husbands views DO deserve your respect and consideration. Sneaking around behind his back to continue visiting the mosque is not honest. He deserves honesty. Please consider this choice very carefully. I think you are headed down a path wrought with problems for both you and your family. Best of luck.

I really don't have a good answer for you, unfortunately.

A counselor (not a religious one, obviously) might be the only way to talk productively. My husband who was not Christian went to a seminar (not explicitly religious but with religious overtones - long story) and it really scared me the way he was talking afterwards.

He needs to hear your viewpoint and what you are experiencing AND you need to understand his concerns. I know that he is angry but my guess is that he is also worried about you and your children.

You are not wrong to explore. You never know how "God" talks to people. With your husband I would would advise you "seek first to understand and then to be understood".

I guess I don't understand why you didn't explore Christianity with your husband?????? There is the saying those who pray together stay together. You do have a right to explore your faith but I would think you would want to explore those options with your husband. It's hard enough in a marriage when you are equally yoked but when you have such ideaological difference it makes it that much tougher. My friend married a muslin and sadly they are now divorced. He held to his faith and wanted her to cover her head and convert and that is path she didn't want to take.

It sounds like the way you were raised, you learned to accept others and their faiths equally. I can't imagine trying to convince your husband otherwise, but you are right, he should accept you for who you are and what you are exploring. This is exactly why I am teaching my children that ALL religions and NO religion are all equally acceptable. I feel for you and want to thank you for your open views and beliefs. Our individual way is not the right way for everyone.

WOW!!
I don't know if this will help the situation or make things worse. Go online and research and show him how most basic religions are the same. They all have a higher power, they all follow the ten commandants, they all have rituals ect. You also need to stress that there is only one higher power. some religions call him God, some call him Allah, some refer to The Goddess. There is only one Heaven for everyone.

If he still won't talk you may need to seek out a marriage counselor. Hopefully he will go. He needs to understand that if he is really a good Christian he needs to accept everyone including you.

I don't have this issue with my husband but with my son. We have always told our children that they have to make faith their own. I will be very saddened, but I am not going to love him any less if he chooses another faith or no faith. No amount of pressure can make someone believe something they don't.

Wow you were right, this is a hot topic! I wish I had some really great advice for you, but all I can tell is you to go with your heart. The warmth you felt is real, and probably having to do with the fact that God does exist and cares about you and all his children and that was a place of people who have great faith. Perhaps you could offer to go to church with your husband if he will go to mosque with you? Or maybe just get together with some of your Muslim friends in a neutral place so that he can get to know them and see that they are real good people who have many of the same standards as Christians.

As you explore this Muslim faith, why don't you also explore his faith, go sometimes to his faith, ask him about what he believes, demonstrate to him that you are exploring, not settling on one particular faith. Have conversations, not arguments, about what he believes, talk about faiths other than Muslim or Christian. Show him that you are not settling anywhere just yet, that you are on a journey and that this exploration of the Muslim faith is just a meander into deep and calming pool of ideas.

Wow-- judging by the responses, this is truly a hot button for several people. Okay, so from what I am reading into your post, it may be more Islam that is a problem for your husband more than just the religion question. Your husband was fine with you not being any religion, but Islam is a sticking point for him. And... when you have been turned off a particular religion and your husband is firmly entrenched in it, the grass may appear greener on other side. I come from a very religious family so I know what I might have to say would bother some of them. But.... here it is. There are good points and bad points to each religion. Some people feel that, if you reject their religion, you are somehow rejecting them or their ideas. I think that also means a threat to them because their own faith may not be solid. The problem with many religions is that they can become an "either-or"-- black and white, like you can't be one thing without being another. I have a friend who is a compassionate and sweet soul with the best ethics and strong beliefs. She was raised Catholic and Buddhist when growing up in Asia. Her husband is Muslim. He prays five times a day and adheres to his religious practices. They worked things out early on. She has relatives who are strong and devout Muslim so she knew what to expect. She does not bring pork or alcohol into the house. She does occasionally have a glass of wine when outside the house. He doesn't like it, but they have agreed to disagree and they have been married for over 20 years. I suspect your husband may not be all that informed about Islam and he may feel threatened about what he does not know. And I don't want to sound mean, but it is easy to have rose colored glasses about a new to you religion. There are beautiful things in each religion and downsides, too. A friend of mine considers himself a liberation theologist and works in the favelas in Central and South America. I like the notion that religion can be used to free us or emancipate us and that is the part that I choose for myself. I wish you and your husband the best of luck. Your marriage may take more work than you expected, more work than you want to do, but it may be worth it in the long run to explore these ideas together to fully understand yourselves. I think it can work out if you can get these discussions on the table and if he understands that you are not rejecting him in seeking truth down a different path. I hope that he starts talking soon for both of your sakes. If he is unwilling to talk, then maybe he can listen to some ideas you would be willing to share. Best of luck to you. Please let us know how it goes.