Relationship Trouble- Need Advice

I would say this is a very common problem after having a baby. Men and women just don't understand each other on this level. I'm not sure if you are breastfeeding, while being way superior for the health of the baby, it can hormonally reduce your sex drive. Also, taking care of a child is a 2 or more person job. Women will always be biologically set up to be the care takers. We use to live in tribes where we had other women helping us. Now we are isolated. The men use to be out hunting and gathering, but since they no longer do that, they need to be helping us. Many times they feel that taking care of the kid is our job because they make most of the money. That argument just doesn't fly in my house. We need help! Communication about your clear expectations is key. Don't expect him to see you stressed out and know to jump in and help you. Men don't get it and they certainly can't read our minds.

Also, get involved with other mothers. There are many ways to meet them. Email lists and playgroups such as Moms Club are good place to start. If you don't bond there, maybe you can find a friend or family member to spend time with . It's nice if they also have kids because you can take turns helping each other out.

Your relationship does change when you have a child. It's normal and to be expected. Your definition of love and what you need changes too. That's why communication is so important. If you can't do it without a third party, you might want to get a counselor.

I don't really know your situation that great, so here's my best advice. I agree with the "date night" although it isn't always feasible. Sometimes after the kids go to bed we just sit on our back patio, with a fire in the firepit and drink a little wine and talk. We have some of our best conversations and laughs this way. Also, if you are a stay at home mom have you tried to join any playgroups, so that you can get out and enjoy some adult interatction and your baby girl can play with some kids her age. I have done this and it not only saved my marriage it saved my sanity too. :)

it is sooo important to have a "date" about once a week. it could be as cheap as playing some board games or a dinner out without the baby. my husband and i do our best communicating in a non confrontational way and get a chance to enjoy each other which reminds us again why we love each other!

you just had the baby 7mos ago.they say baby changes everything,and that is a understatment.it will take time for you guys to get into they swing of things.trust me i have three children,its not always gonna be easy!marriage and being a mom is serious.it is really a full time job in its self.don't get closed off and angry, that will only make it worse and will ruin your relationship.try getting a sitter going out to do something fun and talk about your feelings.just start the conversation out on a positive note!otherwise men tend to shut down.you guys have to respect eachothers feelings, maybe he is alittle overwelmed to.try it, hope everything works out!oh and cheer up ,it takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile.

I felt the same way and spoke with my doctor about it. I had PPD. She put me on meds for a few months and then weaned me off. It made me feel so much better. I know PPD can show up within the first year so it's a possibility and it couldn't hurt to bring it up to your doctor.

Go on regular dates!!! Set up with the grandparents or someone you trust and have set "dates" times. My husband and I started going on dates regularly after I left him 4 years ago. We got back together then were pregnant almost instantly. We started doing dates and it has made a huge difference. We go about once a week but at least 3 times a month. We just go and do stuff like you would have before u were parents. We have mini golf tournaments, movies, bowling or whatever. And we play around and flirt like we are teenagers. (Oh, and dress hot!) Then the rest of the week, it's pretty boring and we still have the same issues that u are having, but knowing that it will break and we can kick back soon (alone) helps. We also make deals and I know this seems a bit wierd, but if I need help with something that he hates (like laundry) I'll bargain with extra sex... you get the idea. I too go back and redo what chores he has done wrong, & that is very stressful. So when he does lend a hand, just brush it off if it is not how u would do it b/c if he notices that u will fix it anyway, then y should he put in the effort? And don't forget not to nag at him--have him give you some alone time to call up a girlfriend and b---h about him privately. And if all else fails, seek some counseling. (but I REALLY think date night therapy works wonders!!) good luck!

Welcome to the realities of marriage. It is very hard fitting children into a relationship but it is also trying. Sometimes husbands are actually jealous that someone else is taking your time away from them. Make a time for just you and he to go out, see a movie or just stay home while someone else watches your little girl. It is a necessity to make that time, otherwise it's just a mother's way of taking care of everyone and not taking time out for herself or her other half and too easy to stay shut in the house with her.When your daughter is a little more independant and sleeping all night, etc. you will find time to be with your hubby more naturally and also there will be a time when you aren't mad at him all the time (normal feeling also).
I've stayed home and worked part time and it is so much easier going to work than being a stay at home mom. I agree with stay at home mom's being paid. It is a full time job plus! Make an agreement with your husband, he helps out and you find more time for him because you'll have more free time if he pitches in! Good luck, you're very normal, it's just one of those adult things we go through.

Well, I'm sure the reason you aren't as "loving and playful" as you used to be is because you are somewhat resentful towards your husband that he isn't understanding towards your emotions and not helping out as much as you feel he should be. So just let him know exactly how you are feeling & try to get him to understand things from your point of view. Other than that pretty much just give it time because I have 3 children and I had a lot of problems in my relationship afterwards also with all the lack of sleep and stress that new babies bring it's to be expected,but eventually we got over it and are great.

Sarah,

Try setting some time aside for just you and you husband to be together. My husband works a lot of hours and I'm a SAH work at home mom - so I'm usually working during the times that my husband is home. Anyway whenever we start just getting snippy with each other, angry with each other for the little things I know it's time for the two of us to go out on a date or to just find some time and privacy to fool around.

At first, because your body is still recovering from having the baby (my doctor told me 9 months to make a baby, 9 months to recover) it is a little harder and you really do have to make an effort, but eventually you start finding that if you get a little bit of time during the day when the two of you are alone (your baby is napping, the grandparents have come to visit and are taking your little bundle of joy for a walk) it become exciting again to just be the two of you alone.

OK my morale to my musing is you must find time for just you and your husband. Call a babysitting, call your mother, call your MIL, but have someone watch the baby so that you and your husband feel like your roles are just as important as husband and wife as your new roles are as mama and dada.

take care,
Mel

Sarah,
This is so common with new moms and I bet everyone of them feels the exact same way at one point in time. So relax, it's normal. It takes a little bit of time. I found that my husband was excited about having our daughter, but really didn't have any idea what to expect. He thought that everything would be the same except there would be a little one tagging along. That's all, no big deal, nothing too hard, right? He forgot about the diapers, bottles, cuddling, nurturing and just general time a baby needs. He wanted to be the child. It was hard for a while. I had to vent to my sister alot about it. I finally had to just break down to him and tell him I still love him and I still want to "play" with him, but until all of us could play together, I wasn't really going to be available for as much play as we used to have. I still had to clean the house and gripe at him for not doing it while I was taking care of our daughter. That was hard as well. To fix that, I went out with my friends several times and left him alone with our daughter and a list of the stuff that needed to be done that day. I would stay gone all day. By the time I got home from the day, I could easily see the frazzle on his face. I would show him some sympathy as well as gently point out that this is what my days are usually like. After a few times of that he started to understand a little more and help a bit more around the house.

AND THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IS: COMMUNINCATION! He can't help if he doesn't know what's wrong. Keep the lines of communication open and you can make it through this! I hope this helps. Just hang in there because I think this happens to all of us new moms.

I would talk to your OB and tell them how you are feeling. Maybe you have a little postpartum depression and they are very helpful with those issues (the sadness, etc). As for the change in relationship with your husband, that is completely normal, EVERYONE goes through a change when you add a new little person to your lives. Your husband, I think, should be a little more understanding that you are adjusting your lives to this new little one and things are going to change. Your attention and time is focused on providing your baby with what she needs and unfortunately the husband does not get as much attention. I think it takes time to find that balance between your kids needs and your relationship needs. It is important that you find that balance, but you need to remember that it will take time. Good luck and remember, as long as you and your husband communicate, it will get better!! Good luck!

What your husband is trying to tell you is that he misses your attention. Trust me, I went through the same thing. Let him know he is still appreciated by you and that you accept him as he is. Keep compassion in your heart because he just doesn't know how to tell you he is lonely for you. It's really a complement, just put in the wrong words. He doesn't know what hit him because he probably used to have that sacred place the baby now has. Go easy on him, he will come around. Make sure to praise him when he DOES help you. Tell him how much it means to you when he helps and show him that you have more energy when he does help (train him basically), maybe that might mean being close to him physically even if you are tired. He will soon see that helping you allows you to be more available to meet his needs as well. =-)

I have been there and know what you are talking about. He has not had to go through the physical and mental changes that you have had to go through. Have him spend a day in your shoes and see if he wants to be "playful" after that. I did that with my husband and now he is more understanding. Men tend to think of fulfilling their "needs" prior to your needs.
Start going out once a month in the evenings, he has to watch her, you will come back refreshed. Go shopping or go out to eat or something for yourself. It will give you a break from everything going on in the house.
Do you work or stay at home?
I am a stay home mom and that was were I was getting stressed out. What was stressing me out was that I did not have the adult conversation during the day. My daughter is old enough now that she is in classes so I get to see other moms. I also have made friends through other souces and we get together with the kids every once in a while. I think even if you work you need to connect with other working moms or other moms in general. Women need to have a different outlet than men in that we need to have the human connection to each other. Men tend to careless about that.

I hope this helps
A.

Yup! I think part of it is the hormones still talking, part is still sleep deprivation, and part is still the adjustment to parenthood and all of its additional responsibilities. I had to have a couple talks with my husband, which did help. It's not that he wasn't helping at all, he was doing a lot of outdoor things- taking care of the cars and lawn and helping with laundry, but when it came to him helping get our daughter ready when we needed to go somewhere or giving her a bath at night and putting her to bed, I was basically doing it all. So, now we kind of divide the tasks a little more. I'll say, "Can you get her dressed and ready to go if I feed her and get her diaper bag ready?" or "Can you read her a book and put her to bed if I give her a bath?". I found out that he doesn't really like giving our daughter a bath because she is so mobile that he's afraid she might hurt herself, but he doesn't mind feeding her or getting her ready, but I kind of have to get the diaper bag ready to make sure everything is in it. I just keep that in mind when I ask for help, and also try to keep in mind what he needs to do at that time as well. It has helped out a ton. As far as the loving/playful- try to make some time for just yourself, and time for you and your husband- give yourself a pedicure, go shopping without dragging your daughter with you, buy new lingerie, and give yourself time to make yourself feel pretty before your time with him. It will make all the difference in the world. =)

Don't let it drag out. Go to couples counseling if you have to.Just make sure you communicate in a "non angry" way.

I am in a situation a little bit different, I actually became pregnant before we were married and so I thought we would just ease into everything, but since our son was born, we haven't been as "active" as we used to be and I feel like if I don't do the housework, nothing will get done. So I talked to my husband, and we agreed that he would have certain jobs, the funny thing is, I find myself later redoing the job the way I want-- don't do that! it is too stressful. Your hormones are still running wild, and that will change, I promise, just hang in there, even if you are not having sex, then make sure you are just still being intimate, hugging, kissing, going to bed at the same time if possible. Try pilates or soem kind of yoga or exercising to relax you, it wroked for me, and after 6+ months we finally connected again! Good Luck! C. S.

Are you on birth control? I only ask cause that was my problem for a while....all of them the pill patch and shot made me lose my drive. i loved my hubby but just didnt want him to touch me....so i stopped all birth control....but thats was me.
ALso the baby is still young....it takes a while to feel like wanting sex again....right now your mind is foucsed on being MOM not WIFE. Give it time then go on a Date night...have some wine and things will be good...but just make sure you are really.

Sarah - I don't really have any advice, but it may be comforting to know my situation is the same. the only difference is we aren't married, and I have decided not to get married to him at this point because he doesn't help with home responsibilities, such as cooking, cleaning and helping with baths, diapers changes, etc.

I felt better reading your issue and others reponses to know it isn't just our relationship - it's a common problem in most. I haven't found the balance or acceptance yet since I"m a full time working mom and had to have my mom step in to pick up his slack.

If you are in Cincinnati area and want to meet other moms, I'm willing to meet up as I have a 6 month old girl. We could vent about our significant others if nothing else! Someone else is also coordinating a moms group to meet locally for kids play dates and/or mom's meeting to chat.

Good luck,
M.