Reassurance and support-I'm Deaing with a Surly 12 Year Old!

Hi D.,

I really agree with what everyone has said so far. I also want to help frame this adolescent developmental stage for you. Someone mentioned that teenagers are working to distance themselves from their parents, and while that's true, I like to think of it in the opposite terms - Teenagers are working to define their own, independent identity.

This is much the same as the toddler working to define their own physical identity - hence the huge temper tantrums at 2. At 13, 14, 15, or whenever this happens for teenagers, the child is much more sophisticated, and so is able to figure out what bugs you and hit those buttons hard. Your child's identity has been so tied up with you, his mother, that he has to push you away in order to understand himself. This is as it should be - you certainly don't want an adult child who has not differentiated from you!

Now, none of this is an excuse for disrespectful behavior. Just as with the 2 year old, you need to step back and be pleased your child is determining his own boundaries, and then help him learn to determine and maintain them respectfully.

The "How To Talk..." book is a great one for ideas in this area. You're also welcome to contact me - I work with many parents of teenagers and preteenagers on getting through these years with your relationship in tact.

Good luck, and remember to keep working at it! You'll be grateful in the end.

Cheers,
K.
www.karenrayne.com

A couple of good books to read, if you haven't already are,
Grounded for Life-Stop Blowing Your Fuse and Start Communicating with your teenager by Louise Tracy. Also, How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish.
Mom to a wonderful 16 yr old, 7 yr old, and 2 yr old :)

One of our children is bi-polar. We have to address every little thing with her, and found ourselves not following through with the other kids. Now everyone has the same standard, and any disrespect from any of the kids is called out, and if it continues there are consequences. In our home consequences are push ups, sit ups, jumping jacks etc. at the recommendation of our pshychiatrist. Nice thing about this type of consequence is it is immediate, unpleasant and does not have to linger, much like time outs for younger kids. Of course conseqences can get stronger to the point of lost privileges etc. should the behavior continue anyway.

Kids at this age are going to be disrespectful now and again, it's part of their nature, but that doesn't mean we have to accept it and say it's o.k. by doing nothing about it.

Hi D.,
My son is 14 and when he treats me rudely, I call him on it immediately (not allowed and possibly consequences), and why (because it hurts my feelings!). I let him see me with my hurt feelings, to help him understand that his behavior has consequences.
At this age, they are trying to distance themselves from their mother, and kids will be rude because they don't know any other way and they see it from their friends. Look through parenting books, to find ways to support his independence. The "How to talk to Teenagers..." book is a good one.
Hope this helps.
L.

I agree with someone that replied that you need to ask for the respect that you both deserve. My daughter, age 11, started making an unusual grunt when we asked her to pick up her shoes or clean her room. She would also whine to try to get us to stop telling her what to do. My husband and I decided we need to knip this in the butt. We told her the next time she makes this grunt/whine she would be grounded from TV/Computer/Games for 2 days (no second warnings). 30 min later, she grunted, she was gounded. It was a longest 2 days of her life. Since then she has not grunted. My therapist told me to read a book, How to talk to your teens, so they will listen. Very good book. It recommends "one word reminders". In your case, it would be "respect". Everytime he gives you disrespect, just say "respect". Tell him one time what this single word means and that you don't want to go into a lecture each time you feel disrespected. This little battle will snowball and get worse as he gets older. The book has lots of hints and tricks to get your teen to listen. You are not alone. Take control while you still can. Good Luck. Get that Book : )

Hello D.;

Something happens to boys around 12 - 14 it seems. I guess they are starting to change into teenagers. There were a lot of hormones happening with my son and I noticed he got more dramatic and started with everything you are speaking about. I pretty much stopped it immediately because I expected that it might guess worse as he kept getting older. I told him I would not accept disrespect from him at any age, even the rolling the eyes is disrespectful. We had a little bit of a battle but when he went through it again at 14, it was a more difficult battle to win because of the past although it ended up still being more difficult. Each child is different but both you and your husband need to make him understand that it won't be tolerated. Good luck.

Hi D.,
It sounds like he needs constant dicipline.
Its not so much that you've forgotten how your older child was at that age.now these days children are in a diffrent generation than 12 years ago.i have three a 16 soon to be 17 a 15 and my youngest who will be 8 next month.i found that being consistent in their dicipline is the best and can be for any child. why reward bad and disrespectful behavior.that just shows the child that,that kind of behavior is acceptable.you have to stand firm,take his b-day gifts away until he earns them back.He continues take the things he likes the best away along w/priviliges that he may have.Tell him his behavior is not acceptable towards you and make him apologize every time.
Just be firm and ONLY reward good behavior.If you back down from whatever discipline is given your going to show him that you say one thing and do another.STAY FIRM FIRM FIRM FIRM!!!!!!!!!!

We just dealt with a teenager like this.. what my sister in law did was take away every electronic in the house and told the kids when she started getting some respect, they could earn their stuff back.
It was hard, she kept it locked in a tupperware so she would not be tempted to give it back and didn't return anything at all until two weeks had passed.

The kids are better now and they know mom means business, when they start the eye rolling, etc all she has to do is mention how she deserves respect and they straighten up.

OH my gosh!!, I feel your pain, as I'm going thru exactly the same thing with my 13 year old!! He is our only child, but is only rude to me, not Dad. Dad is great, gives him plenty of attention & they are really close. We are close too, but when he feels the need to be ugly its only directed to me, same thing, the eye-rolling, tone of voice. I keep telling myself its just a phase, as I did it myself as a teenager. but, I'm also very sensitive so I take it so personal too, I've even cried a few times, which makes him realize how hurtful it can be. I'm a sub teacher, so I know how you feel about being with other kids!! My saving grace is other people ALWAYS tell me how sweet & polite he is, so at least he doesn't treat other people rude!! Hang in there!! : )