Question About Showers

It is definitely rude. She should not even be getting another shower. It isn't customary to give a shower for a second baby, especially if this is her second within a couple years. What do his parents think? I personally would be offended.

As others have suggested see if someone else could throw you a shower, preferably a friend. My family caused a bit of "baby shower drama" as well and I too had to ask a friend to throw one for me. And OH BOY! The entire situation was incredibly awkward! As things were unfolding I went out to dinner with a few gals who could see that I was upset about something. So I confided in them with my problem and my friend totally stepped up to the plate. "I'll throw a shower for you!"

Explain to your in-laws, "You all are just too much! I would hate to put my burden on you as you're all ready throwing XX another shower. And you are probably still recovering from the shower you threw her last year, too. My friend is so excited to throw one for me. Please come and enjoy it. I would love for my friends to meet the baby's grandparents!" Manners are all about making the other person feel more comfortable, even if the situation would make your blood boil. (And, yeah I'd be upset too.) My friend was fantastic about the whole thing and the day turned out to be lovely.

C.,

Yes, it's in bad taste for several reasons, but you're going to have to be the bigger person and act gracious and say nothing or you'll start a big rift in the family. Perhaps later on they will come through with more appropriate congratulatory gestures.

It cculd be taken offensively, or at least hurtfully, that the cousin's second child isn't making use of the family's own hand me downs. It's the first child that is most celebrated. Why in the world would they want to give her new stuff and you her hand me downs? Is there something else going on here, perhaps because you're not married yet? Are they snubbing you a little bit?

Regardless, you're going to have to smile and say thanks and let it go.

Best of luck!

Hi! As a mother of 3, ages 11, 8 & 6, I don't understand where it became "popular" to throw a shower for the 2nd, 3rd child?! Although it has become popular, I don't agree with this practice. If this were accepted, why not throw a wedding shower on your 10th, 15th anniversary?! I don't get it :) Anyways, I agree with several of the other moms who say if you can have a close friend or relative throw you a shower and "beg" off the one thrown by your fiance's family with "I don't want to be a bother." If you do get hand-me downs,I would accept them. I think if hand-me downs were wrapped and presented at a party, that would be insulting-my opinion. After having 3 kids, any help is greatly appreciated, but I know what it feels like to want "all new" items. After the 1st baby, I realized I really didn't need the items I "thought" I did. Good luck with your baby and enjoy every minute....they grow up wayyyyyy too fast!!!! Debbie

Hi C.
I would be disappointed to share my first baby shower with someone who's is having their second baby within the year. I would ask him to have yours separately. Even if this was his cousin's first baby, how can a baby shower be shared equally? Speak up now, or forever hold your peace. Let him know that you'd prefer your own shower for obvious reasons. Let someone else give hers and if she still wants to give your her baby hand me downs, fine.. but at least you have your own stuff... I'm 40 something years old and this one is baffeling. I've never seen a double baby shower... not in my entire years.. unless the babies were TWINS!

God Bless and I hope it turns out well for you. if you dont say anything now about it, how will you handle these kinds of situations when you get married?

D.

Just go. Don't make a big deal about it. At least they WANT to include you. My dh's family never includes him or I in anything. They never offered to do anything for our first daughter (or second due in Aug), they acted like they were doing us a favor by attending our wedding (and never offering to help with the cost), the list goes on and on. I'm sure that they don't mean that the cousin will be getting all the gifts and you'll be getting nothing new. Thank them for the hand me downs, trust me...you'll need them! And chances are, unless the family is incredibly wealthy, she won't be getting 'all new' things this time around. If you want to have a shower that's just for you, then have YOUR mother throw you one for your side of the family. Your fiance's family will be in your life forever. It's just not worth it to ruffle feathers. Go, have as much fun as you can, and be gracious for anything you are given.

I would feel jipped too! Maybe have your side of the family or a friend throw one big shower for you. That way they still get to go to one for you, but you still get to be the center of attention. In my personal experience...sharing events like this means that the same amount of money is going to be spent for the one event. For example: if I am going to spend a hundred dollars for the gift now you two split it and only get fifty each. I know that it may sound greedy to some people but the purpose of a shower is to "shower with gifts". I say no way. Thanks but no thanks.

I agree with what the previous mom said! See if someone in your family will throw a shower for both families. Both your baby and the cousin's baby deserve to have the attention focused solely on them! This happens a lot at our school. There are always multiple people pregnant at the same time. We never combine showers -- each person always gets their own.

Let down, may not be the appropriate term. Dissappointed....absolutely. If they are handing thing down to you to help, they're NOT letting you down. They ARE helping you. HOWEVER, she probably DID get a shower, maybe not, but you DO have reason to want one without hand-me downs.

If you talk to them about it, ask them how they would feel if they were in your shoes. Many times, this will help them see things differently.

HOWEVER, you didn't talk about your relationship w/ the family and how they feel about the situation - considering you're not yet married, etc. Maybe that's their way of disapproving of the situation. I don't know, but it's worth considering. I can't imagine doing that to someone unless I intentionally -which I would NEVER do- wanted to make them feel bad.

Anyone else giving you a shower?

Technically, according to Emily Post (Miss Manners), family shouldn't throw showers for family anyway, because it looks greedy, so I wouldn't bring it up to them. I would go ahead and let your fiance's family do whatever they want, but also ask your fiance to talk to a couple of your best girlfriends about throwing you your own shower. Have a good time!

When I was young showers were only given for the first baby. Then it was the first and third according to many things I have recently read. Either way shower gifts were always new products not used ones so that shouldn't be an issue. My aunt and cousins had a family shower with both sides being invited and one of my friend's had a shower for me where it was just friends. Maybe one of your friends would do the same for you if you asked them about it.

Unless she is having a child of the opposite sex why would anyone suggest the hand-me-down items would be anything other than clothes for a child of a sex she is not carrying? No one can give you her hand-me-downs but her so maybe there is some misunderstandings? Just suggesting this. I am confused a lot of the time lately with the change in social structure and what is considered appropriate and not appropriate, but I can't see her handing down things she will be needing for the new child unless it is strictly gender oriented items. If she has a girl and is having a boy and you are having a girl then gladly accept the hand-me-downs now because they will definitely be a blessing in the future!

I can understand your feelings about being let down since this is your first child and it would be nicer if the day was in celebration of the new life being brought into the family by you and your fiance'. So allow yourself to feel a little let down and sad about the situation.

C.,
You didn't answer anyone's question about whether you have some friends that might have a shower for you....? Is there a possibility of that happening? (And NO, you cannot ASK them to do it!)

Also, have YOUR friends and family been invited to this tacky and tasteless event of your fiance's cousin?

After I know these things, it will be easier to answer.
Thanks, J.

Your husband needs to tell them that HE wants this day to be about your first child, not his cousin's second child and that, while you appreciate hand-me-downs, they are, in no way, "gifts" for a shower. But it needs to be coming from him, not you.
I agree with one of the recent posters...have them invited to a shower that another friend or your family throws and tell them that it was nice of them to offer, but you'd rather have your own day and let the cousin have her own day.

C.,

How rude. First of all this is your first baby and you should have all new things for your baby. I am not saying don't except their hand me downs (baby clothes are expensive and they don't stay in them for long) but you should get new things. Second of all it is proper shower etiquette to have a shower for the first child but that is it. There is usually not a baby shower for a second or third child from where I come from. If they want to throw you a shower it should be your shower and they should have a seperate shower for the cousin. This is just my opinion and you should be happy and thank them but I think they should know better. Maybe you could talk to your side of the family about throwing you a shower just for you. Just remember this is going to be the happiest time of your life when you have your precious bundle of joy and when you look into your babies eyes for the first time that baby shower will be water under the bridge. Best of luck to you with your little one.
M.

I didn't read all your responses but from what you said I think it is kind of rude and tacky! You should have some new stuff too since this is your first!! Since it is her second child she dosen't need one at all!! She can use her own hand me downs!!
Sorry you can't have your own shower with your own NEW stuff but congrats on your first child! It should be special and that really isn't making yours feel special. Maybe your family will give you some nice stuff. I hope so!

It is great of them to throw yo a shower. I think it is very selfish of your husbands cousin to butt in on your shower. if she has a baby what does she need for the new one? I would talk to your fiance about how you feel about it. Your baby shower should be special and exciting for you. And it sounds like the cousin is trying to steal your fun away from you. Hope everything turns out the way you want it.

Someone should tell them that mothers really only get a shower for the first baby (unless they are about 10 years apart). But... you can't say that yourself so as others have suggested, graciously accept what you get.

If you put yourself in their shoes, they may feel if they don't include the cousin in the shower, that she would have HER feelings hurt. I'm sure that when you say you're getting all her hand me downs that they don't mean you're going to be opening up gifts that have been used by her child or anything, so embrace the hand me downs. Is she having a different sex this time than her first child? And are you having the same sex and her first? Because how lucky would you be if that were the case! Babies and toddlers go through multiple wardrobes a year and it's just not worth buying new clothes each time, so if you have someone who has hand me downs available, jump on it! I LOVE hand me downs. You will get plenty of new stuff at your shower(s), and like someone said, ask a friend in private that you trust if she'd be willing to throw you one. Explain the situation to her.

I understand what you are saying... I think you should tell him how you feel and take it from there. Tell him that this is your first child and that a shower was always intended for one expecting mother. And if they don't understand than throw one yourself. As the saying goes if you want something done right sometimes you have to do it yourself, and ask some of your family to assist you. I pray that all does work out well with you... let us know how it goes.

First of all its wonderfull that someone wants to through you a shower. My sister-in-law had one for all her kids and nobody through me a baby shower or bridal shower. Secondly you cousins hand me downs aren't anybodys to give but hers. Also you will need things like a stroller, crib, pack & play and carseat, which she is probably still using. I would register for some of these much needed things and then have your fiance say something to his mother. Used clothes and such are great but only if they are usable. I had a lot of people offer to give me their old baby clothes. However about 50% of the things I received were so badly worn that I through them out because I was too embarised to give them to goodwill. Good Luck.

Many first time parents welcome anything because they CANNOT afford it themselves. The baby shower serves the purpose of helping a new family get on their feet. New baby items are so expensive, and they are used for such a short time. If you accept hand-me-downs, you are likely to receive a lot more than if everything is new. If you figure that a cheap crib might be $150, you might only receive a handful of items. However, if you receive hand-me-downs that are free or garage-sale items, you could buy clothes up to 1 year old (or older), a crib, changing table, stroller, bottles and diapers. You may even have money left over for things for mom.

If you feel strongly that there are things you want to be new, then tell them you really want a "new" stroller... or whatever. You have to consider that new items are so expensive that people cannot afford to meet those needs.

A mother of two is likely going to have things left over from number one. Her needs may be different than yours. Or... she may not have had a nice shower for number 1. Perhaps she only had used things for number 1, and the family wants to do something nicer for her this time. Perhaps she's going through something personal or financial, and the family wants to uplift her. Your family has to budget their finances as well. Perhaps, this is the most economical way they could see to meet both of your needs. I think it's important to see that they are likely trying to do the best to support and show love for their families. I doubt they had any ill intent by giving hand-me-downs. Just be open and honest with them. Ask questions.

I would try to have a friend or famly member host one for me. Attend this one and graciously accept whatever they give you. If it is a bunch of hand-me-downs, it looks worse on them for treating you that way, than it looks on you for simply saying thank you. Then if you get duplicates from your other shower, etc. Donate these things to a charity for infants and moms. They will go to good use.

Its your fiance's family so that complicates it. I would recommend that he talk to his family directly and voice concerns. The point of having a shower is to receive new things for the 1st baby because you don't already have them. The only time I've seen showers for baby#2 or more is when much time has passed and the mother no longer has her baby gear. I would feel let down as well. It is hard because you don't want to seem ungrateful. Is there someone else that can throw you a shower? Maybe you can pass on this shower and plan a different one that focuses on your child and you and your husband.

Hi C.,

Forgive any repetition, I have not read all the responses.

First off, I am confused--you say the relatives are telling you they are giving you the cousin's hand-me-downs? How can THEY give them to you? the baby items belong to the pregnant cousin, don't they? She would have to be the one to give them to you. (That would be kind of crazy, why wouldn't she want them for her second baby?)

As for splittng a shower, I think it is perfectly do-able. I imagine the guests would bring items for both moms-to-be. If I were invited to such an event and I only knew one of the moms, I would sure feel like a schmuck bringing a gift only for her; I would certainly bring something for the other, also.

So I am betting that you will get some new stuff too.

I can understand feeling let down, but as someone said, you'll need to be the bigger person here. Maybe if the cousin's current child is the same sex as the one you're carrying, this will set up a good relationship, where you get that child's old clothes when s/he outgrows them. That's a good deal--kids grow out of clothes so fast, it would cost a fortune if you had to buy all new. Growing up, I wore my cousins' hand-me-downs all the time; when we had kids of our own we shared kids' clothes back and forth.

In a purely mathematical sense, if you get some new stuff plus all the hand-me-downs, you end up with more "loot". Remember the baby doesn't care about hand-me-downs vs. new clothes (that comes later LOL!!)!

Good luck, and please let us know what happens!

K. Z.

I'm assuming that you are carrying their first grandchild from your fiance, so I think it is VERY TACKY and INSULTING. You are not wrong to feel let down by their not wanting to give their child the best setup for starting a family.

Personally if I were in your shoes and had someone else to throw me a shower, I'd totally decline because I would feel like they are really throwing it for her, let them know you don't want to intrude on her shower, and invite them to give the hand-me-downs at your shower.

I mean, there's nothing wrong about hand-me-downs; I received several hand-me-downs for my little one, but never at the shower, and the people giving me the hand-me-downs also gave me something new at the shower (except one, but she didn't have the time to come to Ohio from Texas while trying to complete her Master's Thesis (can't blame her for that), and she sent something up anyway).

You will get lots and lots of new things for your baby. I think the gesture is meant to be helpful and I completely understand your feeling hurt.I would accept what is offered with a smile, use what you choose to use and pass the rest to a more needy baby.There are babies born into this world with nothing so I suggest appreciate the gesture and pass on your good fortune.

it's definitely a rude and strange situation, but i think you're probably stuck with it. if you tell your fiance to tell the rest of the fam you'd rather have your own shower (which you deserve), it will start something that will never be forgotten. *sigh* the joys of in-laws. you'll just have to suck it up, put on a happy face and try to enjoy it. though i don't see how they could dictate who gets what. won't people bring guest of honor-specific gifts? hopefully, a friend, one of your family members, or your coworkers will throw you your own shower. good luck!

Frist, talk to your fiance.
Second, consider politley declining citing that since this is he and your first child you would like to keep your first baby shower more intimate.
He should consider stepping up and speaking out.