Hand Me down Guilt

You could change the feeling to hand-me-love. I have three granddaughters -- the oldest in one family hands down clothes to her younger cousins, my two granddaughters in the other family--WHO LOVE WHAT THEY GET.

The youngest, who is six years younger than the my oldest granddaughter, got so upset (at age 3) that none of the hand-me-downs fit (too big), that I now buy a few things for her in her size, take the tags off, wash them and put them in the hand me down bag so she can find some things that fit that she thinks were handed down from her cousin to her. It's almost like Christmas when the girls root through and try on the hand-me-downs--they just love them.

It's also interesting to note that when the younger girls receive compliments, they always say -- I got this from Sara--the younger girls kind of idolize their older cousin -- I believe this can be fostered in sisters, too. The younger Annie enjoys receiving clothes that no longer fit her older sister, Ellie.

There's a 16 year age difference between my girls. I have enjoyed putting her in the very few outfits I had saved (ie. the Christmas dress), but since receiving a Christmas dress as a gift, I thought one day in each and her photos would be taken in the new dress. One reason is because the girls look so much alike, people may wonder who is who! I also want it to be "her photo." So I guess I'm from the camp that some things should be for her, the special occasion outfits, the "going out" outfit. Having a few special things will be good for her self-esteem and individuality eventually, as she looks back on the photos.

When she is old enough to notice is when I would buy her own things. Otherwise why buy more when you already have it.

Hi Shaun, I'm the youngest of 4 girls. I don't think I ever got a single stictch of new clothing my entire childhood. I don't remember it ever bothering me. In fact I can remember one of my sisters saying 'hey! that's MY shirt', and me saying 'not any more!'

As adults when we look at pictures it's kind of nice seeing the different years and different girls wearing the same clothes.

When she's old enough to care, make sure you get her some new things of her own.

Meanwhile forget the guilt, you're doing what any smart mom would do!

:)

How is she even going to know by looking at pictures that she's wearing hand-me-downs? Maybe occasionally she'll see a picture of her sister wearing the same outfit, but so what? It's what families do; it doesn't mean you didn't care about her. IF she should ever question it, just use it as an opportunity to teach her about making the best of what you have, and not wasting. Point out something else you were able to do because you didn't buy her new stuff when you already had perfectly good stuff to use; i.e., get a car for the whole family, take a family trip, put more money in her college fund, etc.

If it really bothers you, maybe you can compromise and buy her new outfits for special occasions. Maybe give (or sell) your first daughter's Christmas outfit and buy her a new one. But don't do that with all the clothes--IMO, that'd just be a waste of your hard-earned dollars.

As for toys, what would you do--get rid of the ones from your 3 year old and then re-buy the same or similar toys? I don't see why it would hurt her feelings to know that she played with the same toys her sister played with--it might even be a bonding experience for the girls. "Look, honey, these belonged to you and now they belong to your sister! Maybe you can show her how to play with them." Just a thought.

You sound like a very caring mom and I think you'd be doing your daughters (and your bank account!) a disservice by getting rid of perfectly good things. Incidentally, I didn't have older siblings but I did have an aunt who was only two years older than me, and some family friends that were a year or so older than me, and it was like Christmas when they brought over a big bag of clothes or other things that they didn't want any more. I thoroughly enjoyed it. And there are plenty of family pictures where I'm wearing clothes that everyone knows originally belonged to my aunt.

I hear you! I have two boys and do exactly the same thing with them. At Halloween I ended up going to get the little one a new inexpensive CUTE costume because I didn't want to look back and see them both in the same costume in years to come. For everyday clothes I don't think there is a problem with hand-me -downs, but maybe for special occasions you want to go out and get something special for the youngest. I know it seems like a waste sometimes when the oldest clothes are still "perfectly good", I'm pretty careful with their clothes. Don't be hard on yourself, I think we all feel the same guilt but have to move past it. It will probably be more important when they are a little older, although as they get older they are a little harsher with their clothes and don't last as well, so you probably won't have as many pass-on clothes. I'm not sure we will have another, but even now after a second go around many of the clothes are still in excellent condition....someone's going in our extended family will have a good selection IF they want them I guess.
As for toys, they have their favourites and then move on. Maybe buy something they'd both be able to make use of for a long time - outdoor slide set or something. For books, think about personalized ones for them. There are some great sites around, or if it's a classic book - buy one each when it is time and inscribe it with a personal message from you. I bought SNOW for the oldest, the first time he saw snow and inscribed it with something personal. For the second I got THE SNOWY DAY and put an inscription in there for him to keep. Other everyday books are purely in the "family library" realm.

My sons are 18mos apart, so they were born in different seasons. I do have to buy clothes for the younger guy, although he has gotten a decent share of hand-me-downs. We have a friend who was a younger brother, and he has mentioned that it was kind of lousy not to ever get anything new. Since then, my husband always wants to make sure that our younger son gets new things. If we buy a small toy (cars, airplanes, etc.) we always buy 2 slightly different items because they are at an age (2 and 3-1/2) when fighting ensues over new items.

As for Christmas - and birthdays - we now are very conscientious about making things as even as possible. You're right about having a hard time shopping for the younger sibling when your kids are the same sex!! It's so true that the little one won't notice (or care), but my older one is now very aware of getting more or getting something and his younger brother doesn't, so we don't want to let him see that it's okay for him to have more.

Oh girl, shake that guilt! I was a younger child and I never minded having hand me downs. In fact I was usually excited to have something that my totally super awesome big sister used to have. This lasted until Jr. High at least! Regarding toys we always shared toys and I never thought twice about it. I'd bet she won't either. I did receive some things just for me during the holidays but they were purchased from grandparents or aunts and uncles - that is absolutely sufficient. My mom used to give us money for Christmas to buy a gift for a less fortunate child not for us. Santa always brought us jammies and stockings. I'm doing this for my son as well as I feel it's a lovely thought and is truly in the "spirit" of Christmas.

If you still have a difficult time go ahead and buy her something here and there - ETSY has great personalized items. That should scratch your itch!!

Have a terrific Thanksgiving!

Best,
T.

You don't need to feel guilty. You're being practical, you're recycling, you're doing lots of good stuff. You're not being mean to your girls. But this is a good time to consider the situation.

My children grew up with second-hand clothes and toys and it didn't seem to hurt them. The hurt, if it comes, does not come from the item but from an attitude that goes with it. You don't want your child to think, "I'm not WORTH anything new like my sister is." And there is the rub.

I had an older sister, and my mom used to make a point of being sure I didn't feel like a second-hand sister. She didn't have a lot of money to spend, but she took some of her money (and time) just for me, and I've always remembered it.

So for my three granddaughters who are siblings, I make a point of getting each a brand new outfit for their birthdays. They're all used to hand-me-downs because they have older cousins and because their mama has lots of mama friends with older kids. But it's nice to have something brand new and be able to think, "This is just for me." I'm not saying expensive! I'm just saying not pre-owned.

Give it some thought as your youngest gets older. Even if there is no sibling rivalry - and of course there won't be! - you want to treat the girls so they know they're both extremely valuable to you. Think now about how you will do this.

LOL, I have an only daughter (she's 8 now) I am also a very skilled seamstress. We get handme downs from a relative and a good friend. Since she's the only child, pictures and seeing it a lot before isn't a problem. My daughter doesn't seem to mind and it actually means something to her. She will say (Cousin Fiona wore this) So sometimes I feel guilty because I don't sew as much for her as I invisioned but when I do it is something fun or special but when I do I just look in her closet and drawers to realize she really doesn't have room for anything new ;-). So I like the situation and hope it lasts as long as possible ;-)

Get her something new...when she's older. You're right that all Christmas clothes and toys should not be hand-me-downs once she is old enough to notice, Right now, make sure you take lots of pictures and mark her milestones so that when she's older, she'll know you were just as excited about her. But don't spend money since she's too little to know the difference.

I know how you feel, I tend to over think a lot of things too.

I am the baby of my family, with a sister 4 years older and brother in between. I am positive I wore hand me downs as does my youngest daughter. (I also have 2 daughters) What I want to say about myself is, when I look back at pictures, I don't think oh geeze my sister wore that too. I look back and say wow, mom, you didn't take a lot of pictures of me. I look through a pile its: my sister, my sister, my sister, my sister, brother, brother, brother, sister & brother, sister & brother, oh there's one of me. I also did not have a baby book, I made sort of stink about this, mostly just teasing my mom. She must have felt guilty because she made one for me when I was 16, but even though my mom has a great memory, its hard to believe she remembers all those things I did as a baby that many years later. So I think as long as you fill in the important stuff, get her a baby book, take pictures....it won't matter what she was wearing or playing with.

Now for my children, although my youngest has a ton of clothes (hand me downs from her sister and cousin), I make sure to at least buy her one new outfit for her birthday, or the beginning of a season and so on. So she at least gets a little something. Other people in the family buy clothes too, so that is nice also. But she's worn the same dresses. In fact I made it point to take a couple pictures of her identical to her sister at the same age, its fun to compare their similarities and differences. For Christmas, my youngest didn't get a lot of things for the longest time, and I too felt the guilt. But she is now 3 and her personality is blooming. In fact this Christmas I plan on buying her something that is more expensive than her older sister, but the guilt is not there because I know my oldest received more than her for a couple years.

In the end, what matters most is the quality of time you spend with both of them.

You are making a mountain out of a molehill, for sure! My six kids and 11 grandchildren wore and wear plenty of hand-me-downs for sure. Let her wear the little dress...it only gets worn at Christmas, after all. I would just say if there are clothes that get worn looking or faded, then feel free to buy her something, but stop guilting yourself over something that won't matter twenty years from now. If it is "new' to her that is all that matters, and you are saving a bunch of money for other things that may be more important!

I have two girls and a niece (and possibly yet another niece in Feb!!). We have lots of hand-me-downs in our family. I don't think the little ones care at all that they're wearing something that used to be someone elses. In fact, more often than not, my younger daughter gets really happy and excited when it's HER turn to own that cool t-shirt, skirt, jacket, etc. Of course, I do also buy her some new stuff, but easily 70% of her clothes used to be her sisters. Growing up, I was the oldest of 5 girl cousins, so we have pics of me in an outfit, then my sis, then cuz #1, #2 and poor cuz #3. The outfits are colorful and vibrant in my pics, but faded in cuz#3's pics...I still don't think any of them cared, though...LOL!

I say...it's recycling and it's better for the environment. When your girls get to school, hopefully, the school will start teaching the importance of recycling, reusing and reducing. Not that you might NOT be teaching it, but when it comes from a teacher, sometimes it's better received. LOL! I take my kids to Goodwill and consignment stores all the time. They love it. I have an 11 year old boy, 10 year old boy, 8 yr old girl and 19 mo. old girl. Of course, the oldest gets new and the 8 yr old gets new. My 10 year old boy doesn't so much. He really doesn't seem to care. He'll get new tshirts once in a while, but jeans and most shirts he gets from his older brother. He's not really in to clothes. When my 8yr old outgrew her clothes, I sent them to my sister, who has two girls. She kept them and when we found out we had a huge surprise, I was soooo grateful she kept all her stuff, plus what I had given her. Some of the clothes I put on my toddler has been through 4 girls!!! I call that some major recycling!!
We had gotten rid of everything baby, thinking we were done. So, we have had to buy more stuff. I get what I can at consignment stores and Goodwill. She will never know the difference. As far as Christmas, we will buy her new toys, but keep it simple. I'll wrap up some movies, clothes, new dinnerware, etc. It's the thrill of the opening of gifts right now, anyway.
Until your daughter is old enough to say something about the hand-me-downs, I say keep doing what you're doing. If it bugs her when she's older, then you can re-adress the hand-me-downs.

You need to give yourself a break. Your daughter doesn't care. Unless the clothes are ragged and see through and falling off, there is NO reason not to do hand-me-downs. Save your money now, cause when she's a tween, she'll actually care and you'll need to get her her own stuff then :)

Your daughter is not being short changed in any way. My baby is wearing 100% hand me downs-I did buy her a couple of cheap summer things because her size in summer was different from big sis. But the way I see it, one perk of a surprise extra baby, is that you're already stocked with what they need.

Actually, we buy the bare minimum for all 3 kids, because nothing lasts long anyway. They look fabulous in anything (or think they do), and we tell them so. My son likes to parade in and pose in beat up thrift store outfits he's worn 50 times and when I see his "check me out" pose I go, "WOAH!!! HANDSOME! YOU ARE STYYYYYLISH!!!!!"
It's hilarious.
My brother and I were raised in hand me downs. LOVED IT! Or thrift store clothes or sometimes my mom made us stuff, but she NEVER would have led us to believe that new clothes were important, OR that we should feel BAD if we had old clothes. We thought it was awesome that every cousin in our family including us had photos in the same shirt.

Even if you decide to buy her more stuff because you can, don't teach her the lesson that new clothes =special or happy. Kids don't have the same superficial hang ups adults do unless you teach them to.

For the basics, hand me downs are fine!!
For the Santa dress, buy her a little Santa hat that has her name on it.

For Christmas, buy her an ornament just for her. (i like to make sure at least the year is on it).

Buy her a name decoration for her room.

.

Relax. She won't look back and care when she is older. If you have a communion dress, she should get her own so she can hand it down to her child. When the girls are older, they wear out their clothes and you will have to buy new.

She will go by your lead. I would make it special that she was able to share that. I was an only girl but I got handme downs by my cousins and thought it was awesome. I was jealous my younger brother got more hand me down as I had an older brother. So it is really how you make her feel. I would like having special time with you and with older sister who I can only assume she will "worship" when she grows up would appreciate the extra money you will have for her education or fun amuzement parks by saving money on these trivial things.
ENJOY stop the guilt!

I like the mom who reminded all of us mom about the older years when they will put us in the poor house with their own tastes. Save your money now for the future. For a special occasion maybe get her something but then remember she may only get to where it once.

She's NOT going to care! My sister passed all her clothes on to me and I never thought a thing about it! My 3 year old gets most of her clothes from her 2 cousins who are 4 and 5. By the time my DD gets them, they've gone through 2 kids and she doesn't care, nor do I.

LOL I LOVE HAND ME DOWNS! My kids need to learn that they should be grateful for WHATEVER is on their backs, because some kids don't have anything. My girls are so close in age that it isn't an issue, in fact, they love that they're in the same size right now and can share (I'm sure that will change in their teens!)... but honestly, I would put my son in the girls hand me downs if I could ;) My boy wouldn't HAVE clothes if it wasn't for the hand me downs friends gave us (all the way up to 6T, and he's only 11 months old!)... save new clothes as gifts for birthdays or Christmas, other than that, your kids should be thankful they have any clothes at all ;)

While I realize my response is similar to some others, I'm going to post it anyway. I have two daughters who are just over 2 years apart in age. Since they were both born in the spring I thought I would have it made and not have to buy a thing! As it turns out, my little one (who is now 4-1/2) is much more petite than her sister so I have had to buy more than I anticipated. She gets plenty of hand-me-downs and is usually pretty excited about it. However, I am the youngest of 4 girls and we have school pictures of 3 of us wearing the same dress different years. Because of that, I made a decision that my little one will never have a professional photo taken in something that her sister had a professional photo taken in. Also, I do a ton of shopping for them at consignment stores/sales and rarely pay full price for anything. My first grader had her school picture taken in a darling outfit from Gymboree that I paid $3 for!

My sister is 2.5 years older than me. Years ago, we decided to organize all our childhood photos. Since she was the first one, most were labeled with her age and the date. Mine - not so labeled. We finally figured out how to figure out my age in most photos - we just matched the clothing up!!! Figured if she wore the dress with the duck on the pocket at age 2, I must have been 2 when I wore it.

The hand me down clothing went on for years !!!!!! We shared toys, we shared a room, heck, we even dated some of the same boys. It is really okay. You know that you will buy your youngest her own special things throughout her life, so don't stress over it.

My sister and I actually had a lot of fun sorting photos and comparing clothing and arguing over who looking cuter in the dress with the duck on the pocket.