I've been thinking about this for awhile.. It seems like there's a lot of questions on here by hurting, struggling, confused, angry, or exhausted moms. This is the place they can come and find advice or just company. I get that.
BUT... I've seen a trend I think.. Some of us come here because we are looking for companionship. I know in my situation, I can't let my hair down and be completely real all the time or wear all my feelings on my sleeves with my clients. But clients is all I have in my real life and my family is busy and running in all directions. When I come here and ask a question it's pretty much going to be about my daycare because good or bad...that's all I have to offer up.
Recently I've been told that I complain too much and in the past I've had people flat out tell me I'm in the wrong profession. I wonder sometimes if it doesn't shock people to think about a provider actually having a rough day from time to time. It's as if providers are supposed to be so much in love with our kids and jobs, above reproach, without personal problems, just like Mary Poppins and maybe some people can't handle seeing that because it might make them wonder what their provider thinks and does and talks about when they are not there! :)
But what I really want to say is that I DON'T dislike my business. I LOVE what I do. I DON'T come here because I'm burnt out, desperate, confused, or needing help or I'll just about collapse. But I DO want adult conversation and this is my way of getting it.
So my real question is this.. Do any of you ever think that your questions are taken more seriously than you meant them? Do you feel that sometimes you are seen in the wrong light because we are so used to seeing people come here that are really struggling? Do you use this place for adult contact? Or do you only use this place for last ditch help and so that you don't have to let your mother in law know you really dislike her?! LOL
Sue, that's so funny about the daily drama. :) And you are right. I'm going through some kind of change. Maybe it's grand-motherhood? Or maybe it's feeling the years click by too fast? I'm not a fan of change. But life is change. I'm feeling called toward something and have no clue what.
I think that language used in the question(s) is important, and how questions are posed lends a response in kind. When people use, "arg", CAPS, exagerated language... one tends to wonder if this person is habitually exagerating or truly in crisis.
I usually come on here to ask a question about parenting. I have gotten a lot of good insight from other moms on here and it's helpful to get other moms' opinions when trying to decide, say, to take a child to the doctor for an illness. I come on here to answer questions that I see in my daily mamapedia email. That's really it. Sometimes, I'll come to the actual site and just read questions and answer them. I like to try to answer questions and be helpful since I really appreciate all of the answers I get for my questions. Oh I do notice a lot of judgement from a lot of the moms too. I just try not to let it get to me.
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I think the level of negativity is increasing on this site. For those of us who've been on here for a long time, I think this trend is more noticeable. Perhaps we're tiring of it....how many times have we seen moms complain about basic questions? :)
It truly concerns me at how many moms complain about neighbors, about play dates, & about socialization with other parents at school. This is so disheartening to me! Life moves way too quickly for any of us to get so caught up in what ....in many cases....is just drama pathways held over from H.S. I truly believe it takes a village to raise a family....& negativity is not a part of it. (& I do realize that by making this statement....I am part of the ongoing negativity! )
I return daily to Mamapedia simply because rarely a day goes by without learning something new. For example, right now there is a ? posted about celexa. I am unfamiliar with this...so I'll "search" it & know a little bit more. I like that aspect of this site.
I also enjoy sharing my experiences & stories. We just celebrated our 30th anniv yesterday, I have angst over my ILs & my evil stepmom, I've lost both my Dad & MIL in the past 2 years, & my older son had a very challenging life from age 6 on....battling a degenerative hip disease. My younger son is untreated for ADD, is allergic to peanut, & is happy! & We lost our daughter during her 2nd heart surgery...as a newborn- 18yrs ago. ....lots of life experiences to share.
My hope is to help someone...to add a few laughs.....BUT also to always be as honest as I can be. This honesty is offensive to some, & that's okay. This is not The Stepford Wives world...& we are much better than that! I teach & embrace diversity daily to my sons & the children in my care. & I make mistakes....more than I am able to accept!
Now, to talk about you! Yes, I have noticed a change in you. Is it good? Is it bad? I don't know! We've never met....we've shared opinions, we've disagreed on topics. & That's totally cool to me, because we all are different moms.
I think that as daycare providers, we have a different take on childcare. We've seen it all....we rule our little worlds....& not all parents agree/belong in our worlds. But they're the ones paying our income...& sometimes that takes a toll! My best friend calls me daily & asks for the "morning's drama". She knows that most days start with B.S. & ends with more. I am amazed at how many families like to emotionally dump at my door! Some of it I can laugh about....some of it makes me want to scream.
I also truly believe that in the end, no one can make our decisions. No one is entitled to judge us. & no one can see the true picture thru our own words. Does that mean we're all just "blowing smoke out our ...."? Nope, I don't think so....I prefer to think this socialization venue helps all of us!
& now to my fav phrase: Peace!
I have been around for a long time, since before it was Mamapedia back in the mamasource days. I honestly ask questions for a lot of reasons. Sometimes I KNOW what I should do, but I want others to validate my decision so I can feel better about it when it is a tough decision to make. Other times I am totally clueless and really do need an honest answer. I feel good popping on and trying to assist other moms. I don't think I am perfect, but I do have a lot of mom experience under my belt between three children and multiple babysitting kiddos and several Daycare facilities. I love my family and I love my friends, but I get a lot of criticism from my mom and I don't always want to burden my friends. I can come here and get a vast selection of responses. I have never looked at this site as a last resort. And yes, I do agree with you sometimes this does feel like my adult contact since I work predominately with children = )
I feel like we are a community.
Some people are living very stressful lives and because we are women, moms, grandmothers, our families look to us for their stability and strength.
We hold it together, but it can take a toll. It can be exhausting and it can be thankless.
Because we are all moms, we understand this. Because we are women, we also know what it can be like to just need to vent, to need some strength, to need a grown up laugh. It also feels so good to help people that need it.
I do take these questions seriously. I am not a great writer, so I worry that some of my strong opinions can sound like a scolding rather as a passionate offer of help.or suggestion...
In real life people know I give a warning..
I need time to vent. ...
I am pissed about....
I am about to tell you what I really feel, but I do not want to hurt your feelings..
Of course I am also 50 years old, married for 30 years.. so my experiences and observations are based on my personal experiences.
I feel like we are all adults on here. We have made a choice to be here. Whether we are seeking help, answers, suggestions or we are sharing our own advice.. I love that we can come here and say what we want and need to say.
You guys have saved my sanity and a few lives over here.
I'm not sure if questions are taken more seriously because they are compared to people who are stuggling. I think we create a story in our heads around the question/scenario in the post. Some of our embellishments may be pretty acurate, some may not. Something in a post can strike us because of a past experience. I've asked a range of questions on here. Sometimes someone will misunderstand but it is usually because I left something out or didn't explain clearly.
I also think some people have a LOT of energy. I get the feeling you are one of these people because I see in your profile you are open 24/7. I don't have that kind of energy. :-) Some of your posts and answers are longer than many, maybe the thought is you are passionate or feel so strongly because of that? Hope in general you are able to get some good input. If someone takes you the wrong way, or gives advice that doesn't fit, just take it as a good try or ignore it.
Hi S.L.M.,
I have only on two occasions felt that people took my question more seriously than I intended, or used it as an opportunity to preach to me about what they felt was a "bad" choice on my part. I absolutely use this place for adult contact, and , to be honest, female contact. With the exception of 8kidsdad who gives some darn good advice, it is nice to have a woman's perspective when getting advice. My mom died years ago, my sister is a lunatic, and my girlfriends work during the day, and this site has filled quite a gap. I use this site as a place to vent, but I also like helping if I can.
I think when I get upset or see other people get up in arms on here it's due to a lot of different things. For one thing, people sometimes forget that there's almost always more than one good way to do something and what makes it good for you is what works best FOR YOU. People think their answer should work for everyone, and they forget that the beauty of coming on here is to learn LOTS of different options for things. For another thing, I think people forget that there was a time when they didn't know the answer to that question either. I have been doing this "mama thing" for a long time, now, and I can forget that there are things that weren't always elementary for me. Sometimes I think people apply their own feelings to someone else's post. If they went through a similar experience or something happened to them in their lives that was hurtful or confusing due to a similar situation, they apply their feelings at the time to someone else's post and respond with a lot of assumptions based on their own experience and it's not really anything that has anything to do with the poster or the post. And, finally, sometimes people just forget their manners and forget that you can be passionate in your opinion and still be respectful to someone who disagrees.
You just have to let it all go. If you come on here and you get a need met, then the site serves it's purpose. No matter what setting you are in, whether it's on a site or at a party, you are going to find people who read into things what might not be there, forget their manners, are a little condescending. You just weed them out, let it roll off, and gravitate to the ones who speak your language.
Even with some of the negatives, I love this site, and am so glad it's here!
I think many times (especially with the nature of this "forum") we get the questions when the parent is looking for answers, not just chit chat. I really only ask when I have a question and if I knew the answer, I wouldn't ask! I do realize that we see only snippets of people, an edited view. I like to share information, but I don't really see this as a place to make lasting connections (sorry, gals). It can be very fly by night vs other social media. That said, there is a certain camaraderie that I enjoy. Kind of like popping into your favorite coffee shop and chatting with the barrista for a few minutes.
I think since most people are coming here stressed out with problems they need help with, it's not fair to single you out. Also, heck yeah, writing often comes off way more serious than talking. I've often written emails where I was ranting or venting in humor answered by "deep concern" or people thinking I was really complaining :) Don't worry about it. We're all here to vent!
I've noticed a number of posts dealing with the nature of communication on this site. So I think your comments are interesting.
To answer your closing question, I use this place mainly for the struggles. If I were younger, I'd be posting questions. But I do what I can to answer what I think I might be able to help with, since I have more years behind me than many of the questioners.
On Mamapedia we need to keep in mind that we are communicating anonymously with anonymous people. You and I wouldn't know each other if we met on the street. We don't have all the other cues that we have when we converse with real live folks - cues like facial expression, tone of voice, body language, etc. We might have, in a limited sense, the cue of previous interaction, but that's *very* limited.
What looks likes a rational, reasonable, not-too-serious question when I post it may come across as cold, hot, dumb, or a full-blown vent to you, the reader! (I'm saying "you" in the general sense, of course.)
Although I don't do this - whether *that's* good or bad is something else again - I'm aware that some people on this site will go back to one's previous posts in order to get a better understanding of the current one. That's perfectly reasonable to do; but do I really want you to size me up only by my questions and complaints? That's not the whole me! And yet, because this is an big, overgrown newspaper-advice column, that's all there is to go on.
Our knowledge of each other on this site is very, very limited! "Impersonal" communication has a stubborn way of turning personal for that reason.
There's no knowing what post will hit a nerve with someone, or when. A question I might ask without too much trouble may be just the situation somebody else struggled with last year and still has nightmares about. For instance, if I were to post about an annoyingly rude BIL (that's a safe example because I don't have one), and you've been through you-know-where and back with your rude BIL, your response is going to have more emotional content than I meant to ask for. I may learn more about *you* than I asked for! But that's the nature of the beast.
Even trying to give answers in a rational, friendly, non-judgmental way is difficult to do. Just as you don't know what will strike a sore nerve with me, I don't know what will strike a sore nerve with you. My non-judgmental response may be just what you didn't need this morning, and you feel it's very judgmental indeed. And vice versa.
I guess all I'm saying is that with this format, one has to be prepared for anything.
It may be pretty good for casual, over-the-back-fence advice, if we're willing to see it that way, but I don't know how good it can be, socially, beyond that. If you were actually my neighbor, at some point I'd want to stop with the back fence business and invite you over for tea, or bring tea to your house if you couldn't get away from your work. And online, we can't do that. :^(
(Oh, and don't even TALK to me about mothers-in-law! Oh, wait... never mind. ;^) )
I like this sight because of all of the above. Hey, don't feel bad, a fellow mom told me that I needed meds or to see a professional, because I stressed out over my SIL. Oh well.
I do it this way, I love getting feedback, and I love giving it too. So what's the harm? I don't know. You have every right to dislike your job or your everyday routine at home. Why do some moms just write and say, stop whining, or this is too childish, why bring up the topic? I recommend, that they don't answer at all. We like fellow mama support, and appreciate it very much. And, you're right, please don't put us down, just ingore us if you don't like the questions we ask, and move onto the next topic on mamapedia.
I do like most of the moms who have replied to my past posts. They're very supportive. Thanks...
I personally come on here for various reasons but like you I need adult interaction. That's my main reason. I have no one to really talk to at work so when I'm caught up on my work I pop in on here.
I do like the fact that I can ask a question on here and for the most part get unbiased answers.
I have felt that some of my questions have been taken out of context or way too serioulsy and I've been jumped on and made out to be someone I"m not. That really bothers me about this site.
It does not shock me to hear about a daycare provider having a rough day. I don't know how you do it! Moms are on here at wits end about their 1-2 kids that they have to take care of so of course a provider who is caring for 4+ kids is going to have rough days. Not to mention the difficult parents! I had a close friend who ran a daycare so I know it's not easy!!
I've been a member here for 2-3 years (I think...maybe more). I think new members are joining all the time. Sometimes when I log on I get a flash saying "50,000 moms have joined in the Hosuton area"...or something like that. And, I forgot this site has a topic search engine, so I typed in a topic of a question I had, before posting my question, and 20+ past discussions popped up. Duh to me!
So, when it comes to all the basic questions, some of us are new, some of us are slow!
I've been blasted on some of my questions. Yeah, I get offended on occassion, esp if they are personal. But I know who I am and why I'm on this site...if the site is trending towards rudeness and stupidity, I just hope I'm not one of the contributors to it.
But I do feel sorry for the mamas who ask an innocent question and they are ripped to pieces. tbh I'm always thinking "'I'm so glad that wasn't me".
oh yeah...i have had people ASSume all kinds of things from a post of mine. venting about my MIL, well i get blasted for having one who loves me and my son and not appreciating her. i didn't say i didn't appreciate her, i just get driven nuts by her occasionally because we are two completely different people! venting about hubby, i should leave him, he's an abuser and a loser and i deserve better. now i didn't say that, and no i'm not going to up and leave a 10 year relationship because he can be a jerk sometimes. lol. it goes on and on. no one knows the whole story no matter how much we try to ramble on and on and include everything. it's impossible. so to fill in the blanks....some people are on our same wavelength, some go completely overboard. maybe because of their own experiences? who knows?
i know i didn't answer ALL your questions...but also, i don't come here for friendship or companionship, and that's another way i think i get misunderstood. mostly i come here for actual advice. after my friends and my mom, if i still need to vent or get another opinion, i come here. sometimes i feel that people assume they are all i have :) but everyone's different...
I use this site for all of the above... except my MIL. I love her!!
Yes some of my posts have been taken WAY too seriously! More is being read into it instead of reading what is actaully being said and taking it as face value.
I like the connection you can get with other moms and dads. After being on here for so long and reading peoples answers/ posts you get a feel of what they are really like and know how to take or handle that person.
I come bc it's an anonymous way of asking about personal things and it also exposes me to a much wider point of view than I would get just asking friends. As well, it takes way longer to survey all my friends who may or many not be interested in a topic. On here, only people who are interested feel compelled to answer and it's a quick process. I've definitely learned a lot about how other people view things and live than I would have in my own little world. I do notice some people who post a lot though and start to wonder about them. And in some cases, I am starting to ignore their posts which is the polite thing to do. At the same time, soliciting people's opinions may include hearing that you complain too much or seem to hate your job or are too stressed out. These are observations tht people make based on lots of posts and you can ignore them bc you know better or you can stop and think if maybe they have a point. It's all part of the process. It's the same as getting an answer to a specific question that's someting you never considered before. Either you didn't consider it bc it's way off target bc the replier doesn't know the whole story. Or it's something that is actually an interesting perspective or idea and you (global you) should consider it. I try to be open minded. If a lot or several people are saying something about me, maybe they have a point..
