My mother passed away in January. My brother and I thought it was the best thing for him to go to Florida and visit his sister. After all, he had been the primary care giver for a woman with Altzheimers for 10 years. Take a break dad!
His friend introduce him to a woman 20 years his junior. Mind you I don't doubt that a woman 20 years his junior could fall in love with my father but not three weeks after his wife of 50 years died.
So my question is has anyone else been successful in protecting a parent from predators of this sort? Everyone I work with has had no luck and their surviving parent lost everything. I don't care about the money, I just don't want him to lose his dignity.
Added: My father is talking about marrying this predator. I am an accountant, so money is my thing, my brother is an attorney so his thing is the law. Both have been examined at this point. He is competent and his money is his.
Okay it would seem I have either left out too many details or something. They met in Miami and went on two dates before my dad went back to his sister's house in West Palm Beach. At this point she was already pledging her undying love and devotion. Since then they have only spoke on the phone. Okay folks I will say it, my dad hasn't gotten any in over 15 years. He wants to marry her because in his world that is the only way you have sex. We have checked on her she has no assets, no real property and is retiring from her secretary job in a month.
I don't doubt a woman 20 years his junior could fall in love with him but he is throwing out red flags that would drive any woman away unless she doesn't care about the long term relationship. He was over at my house and called her and left a message. He called her every minute for 20 minutes until she called back. Then he tells her he was worried since she didn't answer. Was everything all right. He is on my phone plan so I can see all the calls he makes. Any sane woman would have dumped him for this behavior. She is either nuts or wants his money.
Oh yeah, and if it isn't obvious, we haven't met her. We only know her last name because my Aunt pulled it off her caller ID. My dad is sneaking around like a horny teen.
I guess for people to understand you need to know where we are at. On one hand we would love for dad to find someone and be happy. The past years have been hard on him. On the other hand if we are right about this one he isn't going to be happy. It isn't easy to sit by and hope. Everyone I have spoke to said it was like watching a train wreck and there is nothing that can be done. You would not believe how many, oh god no, not your dad too, I have had.
I never realized until a couple months ago how many people this happens to.
I guess it comes down to I want my dad to be happy. Having all his money taken away is not going to make him happy, ya know?
Okay some of these stories are worse than the ones I was told at work. :( My brother and I are dragging him to our attorney next week to draw up trust papers. He went to law school with my brother. I asked if he would be concerned if my dad showed up with a bit of duct tape on him. He said my dad only has to nod and sign papers. :p
Who says she is a predator. Men tend to need a woman in their life
after their spouse passes. I have seen this many times and you know what
it works. If he is competent, let him be. It is his life. You do not have any
right to tell him what to do with his life. Have you ever thought maybe she
genuinely makes him happy.
Well dear, I hate to say this but I have a very successful uncle who married his second wife about 6 months after my aunt passed away very suddenly.
His kids were PISSED.
My uncle is very intelligent, a CPA, a professor, a financial planner. His new wife was not much older than his oldest child.
He was devastated at the way his kids were treating him, and her, and I told him to follow his heart and make himself happy.
Now, this woman had a job and earned her own money. Did she hit the lottery by marrying him? Yes, she did. No offense to my aunt who I loved, but I've never seen him so happy and they've now been married almost 20 years. Regardless of how much money they have, she is very frugal and she treats him like a king. After 20 years, they are madly and passionately in love and all the things his kids thought about her running off with all his money never came to fruition. She treats his enitre family so well and like I said, I'm sorry my aunt passed away, but we absolutely adore aunt #2.
You know, my first aunt was a sickly woman. She had a heart transplant but still insisted on smoking cigarettes. SHE was the type that if she got pissed off, she would just go out and by herself a new Corvette. Or throw a tizzy and charter a flight to the Bahamas. My uncle stayed by her side, health problems, blowing through money. Treating him and the rest of the family not very nicely.
They had been high school sweethearts and he worked his head off to amass an amount of wealth. She never worked a day in her life.
He met someone very, very different from her and fell in love.
I can honestly say she has given more to my uncle's life and to this family than she has ever come close to taking.
I wouldn't trade her for anything.
Seeing my uncle so happy is a beautiful thing.
Even his kids can't find anything bad to say about her because no matter what they thought in the beginning....they were wrong. And he's happy.
I'm just saying.
There was nothing predatory about the situation in my uncle's case and he has it set up to where if anything happens to him, she is to continue caring for the rest of the family they way they already do. We have other elderly relatives that they look after. She's just not the type to abandon anyone.
That's not where her heart is at all.
She truly is one of the best things to ever happen in our family. We all love her. And it's for real.
I know you want to protect your dad, but he's competent. You said so yourself.
Don't set yourself up for the "teenage" scenario where he will feel like he'll damn well like her or marry her whether you agree with it or not.
He's a grown man.
Maybe relax a bit and see what happens.
Just my opinion.
Wow, I can really feel you on this. My mom died about a year ago leaving my very well-off dad in a small town where everyone knows he's wealthy. Luckily, he's not really interested and understands that some may be after money, but in your case I would talk to him about the importance of prenups and the beauty of just having a long, existing "friendship." Remind him that now that "everyone" is out of childbearing range, there's really no reason to marry!
A younger women took my grandfather for a lot of money. She cleaned him out and rung him dry. My grandfather had a huge heart and she poured out the sob story repeatedly. My mild mannered aunt had to threaten her several times and finally told her she was going to the police for a restraining order and that worked. There really isn't anything you can do as long as your dad is in his right mind. Your father just might want to live a little after taking care of your mom for so long. He may not get serious with this women. I would say wait and see what happens. You could talk to your dad and tell him your fears. Good luck.
If your brother is an attorney- have him draft a prenup. If she won't sign it, then she is really after his money and hopefully your dad will see her for the snake she is. I mean, it doesn't have to be a "gets nothing since she came in with nothing" prenup....more like a "be married for this long or you get nothing prenup....or a married until natural death or you get nothing prenup". Hope that makes sense. I can only think of things that an attorney would because....well, I am an attorney. No, I haven't had this happen to me and for the grace of God, I hope I never do. My mom is in her 50s and a private eye and polygraph examiner so I doubt she would ever fall for a charlatan -- my dad is shy, so hopefully he would never either. They are still happily married after 34 years. Good luck and do what you can to protect your dad. He hasn't been in the dating pool and doesn't understand the games she may be playing!
Keep his money and his assets protected... yes, we went through this with an aunt many years ago. In the end, he wasn't a bad guy, but I still don't think he was in it for all of the "right reasons", but she was happy.
Having said that, when he married my great aunt, he was greeted by my father's cousin (financial lawyer and her son) with an iron-clad prenup. My cousin essentially said, if you agree to these terms (you get NOTHING if you divorce her and MINIMAL when she dies), then have a long and happy life together. If you don't... well guess who will be "objecting".
He is a horny teen (of sorts) and as a result, you and your brother need to be the "parents" here and remind him that if she really loves him, she'll be around in a few months and that he shouldn't rush into anything. If he does, you really can't do much about it, but you can certainly have his "affairs" in order before she enters the picture!
She is helping him fill a void he has. He is a grown adult man. If he is of sound mind then he knows what he is doing. They are two consenting adults fulfilling something the other needs. Im sure it is so hard for you to see him with someone else. She is not replacing his wife, but many people don't like being alone. Especially when they have not been for a very long time. Also, and I don't mean to be insensitive, but in caring for an a patient with altzheimer's for 10 years, he may have started his grieving process years before. He is in a different place than you with his healing, and that is okay. Just be supportive and keep your eyes and ears open for anything that raises a red flag. EVERYONE deals with grief in a different way. There is no right or wrong way to handle death, even if it is hard for others to understand.
It does all seem very fast, I agree but I'm also wondering what makes you exactly think she's a predator. I mean it's possible, but it is common for romances to start up soon after a spouse has died. I would be concerned, absolutely, but take it one step at a time. Maybe you can talk to your dad about a prenup? Or possibly you could become executor of his accounts? You have to have an honest talk with your dad and not accuse him of falling in love with a predator, that will mostly likely backfire. Try to take steps to secure his assets so that if he chooses to marry her, there will be "insurance". Good luck...sounds tricky!
predator? Is your Dad very elderly & senile? Unless he is, I dont think its anyones right or place to tell their parents what to do, no matter how tempting and justified it may seem. his dignity is his business.
JoG
Whatever you do, use the accounting experience and your brothers law experience to protect your dad and advise him on keeping his assets separately.
It is a complicated situation and he is vulnerable right now and could lose everything if he acts based on just how he is feeling.
As for the marrying, emotional part, you can't really do anything about his decision, but I think you should really do what you can to protect him NOT from "predator" per se, because HE might really like or love her, but in the event things do NOT work out, his retirement, and whatever is secure. I also think she should keep her assets separately too. (I don't want to assume this person doesn't have anything to lose either)
If you have the funds, maybe you can hire a private investigator to check her out more thoroughly? Maybe they can turn up something concrete.
I also think it's good for your family to each, individually, express your concerns about the situation. And also to strongly encourage him to go to grief counseling and/or an Alzheimer's survivors group--he may be able to open up and share with these folks more easily/honestly than with his family (especially his children) and they may be able to point out the concerns in a way that he will hear and take notice of... It's hard for a parent to hear the concerns or criticism (which he may perceive it that way) of their children, but not of their peers.
Unfortunately, if he's acting like a teen, then the worst thing you can do is try to be authoritarian about it and demand that he stop--we all know that most teens will become even more determined, instead of backing down!
I am sorry you got some snotty remarks...I haven't read any...But if I was in your shoes I would fee the exact same way! WTH does any woman 20 years younger want with an older guy??? hmmm. It is suspicious to me..Unfortunately, since he is a grown man, competent and mentally stable I don't know what you can do unless you and your brother are both on his accounts etc..
Everyone is saying he is a grown man, because in fact, he is. Whether you like it or not. The bottom line is that it's not for you to decide. When someone posts on here about meddling parents, everyone always comments that the parents should stay out of it. Why would it be any different when the children are meddling?
Our parents are not our children.
Our emotions are complicated when it comes to them.
You've got to ask yourself - what are you wishing you could protect?
Your father, his assets (your inheritance? - sorry but in some families a death in the family really brings the vultures out in force), or the memory of your mother and their marriage?
It's sad when a spouse dies, but the vows say 'till death do us part'.
Also, if the illness was a long one - your father most likely has been mourning for a long time before your mother died. How you mourn and how he mourns could be very different.
There are people who are not interested in marriage or long term relationships. Or they had it so good during their first marriage, they don't see how another could compare to it, so they don't want to try.
After years of being committed in a long term relationship, casual sex can be very entertaining. It's only sneaking if he hides it, and who's he hiding it from? You? (Sorry but I'm just not that interested in my parents sex lives. I butt out of theirs and they butt out of mine.) He's single!
It also sounds like he's pursuing this woman - so it's not a one way attraction. If he blows all his money - well, he earned it - it's his right.
There are predators our there. I hope you are able to protect your father if she is one. Good luck.
