Problems with My In-laws

I think it has to do with the bond that they share. I was always very close to both of my grandmothers, my sister just does not have the bond with my mother's mom, nor did she have it with my father's mom. My grandma is 80 years old, I am 29, she comes and stays with me every few months for a few weeks, I live by Chicago, she lives in Michigan. My sister lives 15 minutes from her in Michigan, and I seem to almost see her more! I don't understand, it might have to do with personality's, some people click, some people don't, it is not always right, but that seems to be the way it is.

J.,
Unfortunately, when new grandchildren come along, the eldest seems to take a "back seat" because the attention then needs to be spread further. This was the case with my nephew when my first son and my niece were born, 3 days apart. He had been the only one for 3 plus years and then suddenly had to compete w/not only his own family but mine as well. Is it possible that your in-laws feel closer to your nephew because he spends so much time with them? It may be possible they do not realize that they seem to be showing preferential treatment. You might be able to set up a family outing to the zoo or just invite them for dinner, or, what about a date night for you and your husband? If you try to inject more family time into their schedule maybe something will take hold. Another suggestion is maybe seeing if they might watch your daughter along w/your nephew during a portion of a day so the kids can have some cousin time together. Otherwise, if it was me, I would get my husband involved and see if you might be able to drop hints or indicate that you kids miss grandma and grandpa. Hope this helps.

HI J.,

Unfortunately my in-laws were attached to my children, but within the last two years both have passed. (they were both in their 50's). I would, for the sake of your children, still try to foster what ever relationship you can between them and their grandparents. You might have to make the extra efforts of inviting them over for dinner more, asking them to go to events. Have your children call them to tell them what they got for back to school, or something that just happened. Call and tell her something funny they did that day and tell her you just had to tell her because you knew she would think it was cute ... I know that this will put more on you but in the long run the kids are the ones to benefit. Try not to judge them if they talk about your nephew. They see him all the time so yes, they will be closer. That does not mean that yours can't have a place in their life too. I know my mother is the type that talks about the other grandkids all the time when with me. However my sisters say that she talks about mine all the time to them, so maybe could happen to you too.

Good luck
R.

Unfortunately, you can drive yourself crazy wishing they would treat the kids the same but ultimately, they might never do it. If possible, it would be great to have a chat with them and let them know that the kids' feeling's are being hurt (or you fear they will be) and allow them the chance to fix it. Otherwise, surround your kids with the family (blood or not!) that loves and adores them. My teenage son's paternal grandparents have nothing to do with him (he is adopted by my husband) but he has tons of 'family' outside of that who can't get enough of him. Growing up, your kids will still love their grandparents, but let the ppl who influence their feelings be those who will do it positively!
~L.

Hi Jaime,
I'm sorry that yours and your sons feelings are hurt. Families are hard sometimes. What I would do to start would be talk to them. You and your husband have a chat with them. Don't be confrontational. Just ask if they realize what they are doing. They may not even realize it. If they watch your nephew during the week they probably will become more attached to him, they see him a lot more. Ask them if they could make an effort to see your kids more.
Another thing is that if she is their daughter they probably have a closer relationship than you do with them. For example, I have a stepmom that I love and she loves me. My dad and her have been married for 15 years. She treats me like her daughter but she does have 3 daughters of her own. Over the years my feelings have been hurt over little things (going out to dinner, shopping, ect.). She never has meant to hurt my feelings so I tried not to let it bother me. I guess my point is that even though my stepmom and I are close I am not her biological child so she is not as close to me as her own daughters.
Hopefully if you talk to them they will change some of the things that they are doing. If not maybe put your efforts elsewhere. Do your parents live close by? Good luck. Hopefully this helps. I babbled a bit, I think.
Chris

talk to your husband about this and have him approach it with you to your inlaws. Those little guys have such fragile hearts, I have a mother in law who has never watch my som who is now 2 1/2 years old and she lives 6 miles away. I finally gave up asking and figure he gets more than enough hugs and kisses from my parents and the rest of the family. So I guess just give extra attention to him right now and soon he will come to realize that he is just as special now as he was before.

Hi J.,

My heart goes out to you and your children. I'm sorry that you have to experience this. What does your husband think about the way his parents are treating his children? I think it's your husband's responsibility to approach his parents and talk to them about how hurtful this is toward his family. It sounds to me like your in-laws may not be aware of the severe consequences of their behavior and as a result, alot of resentment will come out of it in the long run. I understand how you feel. My parents are both European and they played favorites with their kids and grandchildren all the time. Being attentive to feelings and being considerate, were not in my folks vocabulary. I'm not saying it's a cultural issue, but in my case, my parents just didn't know better and were completely oblivious to their actions. My folks never quite "got it" why there was so much tension and hatefulness between their children and why their grandkids avoided them like the plague as the years went on. You reap what you sow. It took many years for us kids to explain that to them. Also, I also think that it is quite common for parents to be closer to their daughter's kids than to their son's kids--why this is, I don't know, but I've seen it in many families. Sorry I can't offer more advice, but I think your husband should be the one to approach his parents. Some of this may be a result of the relationship your husband has with his parents versus the relationship your sister-in-law has with her parents.

Good luck.

J.,

I have the same problem with my sister in law. As much as it pains me to see my son not get the same attention, we make up for it with my parents and other family. I don't have any advice, just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I believe the first post by KB. I believe mothers and daughters have a different bond than mothers and sons do, which is too bad. I hope things work out.

J.,

I don't want to excuse their behavior at all, and I definitely think you should have your husband talk to them if this bothers you. But, it could have alot to do with the relationship your husband and sister in law have with their parents. Sometimes the parents are just closer with their daughter's kids because of the relationship the daughter has with their parents. I know I call my mom everyday and she knows every little detail about what is going on with my kids and therefore, it is easier for her to watch them and relate to them. On my husband's side, his mom is closer with their daughter's children, because of the same thing; my husband's sister and him mom are very close. It might help just to look at it that way. It could be that it is not on purpose and they don't even realize they are doing that and maybe letting them know would help. More communication between you and your husband and his parents may help too. Maybe just calling and spending more time with them more often would help them to feel that same connection they feel with their daughter. If your parents are involved, they might feel that your kids are closer to them too. And if that is the case, then nurturing that relationship will help your son to get the loving attention he needs and not have to look for it elsewhere as well. I know how hard it is with inlaws without children even being involved, so I hope this works out for you!