Problems with Husband Helping

I'm just wondering how he got up for work and got dressed on his own before you were married? Did he still live with his parents? How old is he?
I can't imagine having not just one, but THREE children with a man who couldn't manage to take care of his most basic business!
Sounds like you married someone who still has some growing up to do. I hope he does before you have any more kids.

I cannot imagine setting a grown man's alarm for him or laying out his clothes.
Job or no job, he needs to contribute sweat equity to maintaining the household.
His job may be tiring, but being pregnant is too.

I'd stop talking to him about it. I'd use paper plates, make sandwiches or crockpot meals, stop washing ANY of his clothes and hire a cleaning service.

He will say "We can't afford a cleaning service". Then you say to him that if he does the cleaning before they come, you will cancel them coming. Do NOT give him their phone number.

You have treated him like a little boy, doing everything for him. He has never had to learn to. And then he talks to you like he's a teenager whose mom is telling him what to do.

You are 8 months pregnant. You have a lot more to worry about than the dirty dishes right now. You could hurt yourself or that baby. I promise you that you are working A TON HARDER than he is. Playing computer games when he gets home has to stop, or he will PAY MONEY for the privilege by you having a cleaning service come in.

I hope you think twice, three times and four before you get pregnant with baby number 4. The way he is, I'm surprised you are having baby number 3.

For what it's worth, 3 year olds do this as a matter of course. Don't think of her like you do your husband.

First of all, I would NOT have finished those dishes and I would NOT have cooked dinner. My family knows that if the kitchen is not clean, I will not cook. I WILL NOT clean the kitchen just so I can cook. So, if it had been me, I would have seen that the dishes were not done and would have made a bowl of cereal or the like for the kids for dinner and let hubby starve. He is a grown man and it is NOT your responsibility to take care of him.

Now, that being said, you kind of did this to yourself. I get from your post that you normally set hubby's alarm, and set out his clothes. For Pete's sake, woman, he's a man not a child! I cannot even begin to imagine having any respect for my hubby if he were so inept. Your hubby is just an overgrown child; time for him to wake up. Step back, you are not his mom. Take care of your kids and let his cards fall where they may. Don't complain, just don't do anything for him. Then he'll be the one complaining and you can call him a nag!

My husband never even realized how bad he was about this stuff. Counseling really helped us. Also, I got a part time job for a while opposite of his work hours, so he was forced to do all the things I normally did in the afternoons and that really made him appreciate me more and help out more once the job was over.

Also we have a standing rule in our house, whoever cooks dinner does not have to clean up after. If I cook the kids and the husband do the dishes, if he cooks the kids and I clean up.

Sigh. I've been there :-)

Do you stay home? If so, I find it helpful to remember how stressful it must be to the the only bread earner with a lot of mouths to feed. I know my hubby likes to sleep late, and he is the worlds biggest procrastinator. At home? Some times he is great, other times? I wish he could put his cups in the dishwasher! But the thing is, you are feeling a lot of hormones, of course you are overworked, of course everyone is making demands and no one is helping. This is the life of a SAHM of small kids, with a hubby working long hours. And you are pregnant. Someday I just want to run away! We are Sisyphus, rolling the same damn ball up the hill everyday. The dishes nerve stop coming, the toys never stop being thrown about, the clothes are always needing to be washed. It's exhausting, and neverending. When I was pregnant with my third, I gave myself a two hour break every afternoon to watch movies. I let the oldest kids watch videos, while I laid in bed. Give yourself a break, and take care of you. You will feel better once you do.

I remind myself that when hubby does nothing at home, it's because he needs to do nothing to be on at work. He has to be on at work, or we'd become homeless. This is a lot of pressure to put on one person. Yes, it would be nice if he did more around the house, but the house is my job. His job is to earn money. My hubby does help around the house. And I mean help. As a SAHM, the house is my world, my job, my responsibility. I would never set alarms for my hubby or lay out clothes, but I do most things for him,since his focus needs to be out of the house.

When I feel overwhelmed and unappreciated, I order take out. I tell hubby I am feeling tired, depressed and in need of a break. He usually then steps up until I'm feeling better, but the most important thing I do is get myself a break. Hire a babysitter for the day. Treat yourself to a profession housecleaning. Rest. The world looks completely different when you aren't exhausted.

What kind of grown man needs his wife to set his alarm and set out his clothes? I didn't even do that for my own kids past the age of six.
Good luck with that one. And I hope you have some very reliable birth control going forward because it sounds like you're already the mommy to four people in your house.

I think women tend to say that their husband is a "good father" just for the sake of saying it. He may be a good provider financially, but there is a lot more to parenthood than purchasing diapers. Is he honestly a GOOD parent? Does he pay attention to the children while he is home or tend to their needs?

You're definitely right with one thing. Do NOT be his doormat. You're his WIFE, not his mother. Stop doing anything for him. No more setting his alarms or helping him with HIS responsibilities. If anything on that enormous to-do list of yours is something that he should do, then tell him about it, and do not do it for him.

Nagging will not solve this. Neither will telling him how you feel. Just show him with your actions. Do whatever you need to for yourself and your children. Keep the house clean without asking for his help. And remind yourself daily that he is a grown man who should be doing things for himself.

And remember to rest! :)

ETA: I really do not see any benefit to using paper plates. If you cook meals at home then you're still dirtying up dishes. So the paper plates would just be an unnecessary expense.

He doesn't take the initiative, because you haven't made him. I mean, who set's their husbands alarm clock!! And sets out his clothes!! I'm sorry I'm not trying to be mean. You are probably a little bit hormonal too, because you are pregnant. I would hire a cleaning lady, and make one day to do laundry. The rest of the time, have your husband empty the dishwasher and that might take a load off. You do need time to put your feet up, and you just have to make yourself do it. Good luck.

I have 2 children and have been married for 18 years. I love doing things for my husband as I can guess you do to. When we first got married, I did a lot for him just because I wanted to. As the kids started to come, it got harder, but I wanted to still do things, but then I had to start backing off some of those things. I blamed him that I "had" to do those things for him when in reality he just got used to what I chose to do. I loved mowing the lawn, so I mowed it before he got home, then I didn't have time, and it just kept growing. when we were 5 years in to marriage, we had a conversation about what were our responsibilities as husband and as wife. So I asked him what he felt were his responsibilities as a husband, and his response was, "To bring home the money." That was it. I sat with my jaw on the floor! But it sure did explain a lot. So now came the difficulty of figuring out how to get anything else done. 13 years later, and lots of complaining and pot shots (which got me no where) I finally realized that he had to choose to do things. I could guilt him into things, but it was either accept him as he is and pray God would change his heart, or of course the latter, divorce him. Well I am a married for life girl, so accepting him for who he is was the only choice. Yesterday was the first day he choose to put away his plate after dinner! I don't believe he ever washed a dish, but I married him that way and I choose to accept him and let God work on the rest. I can only do what I can do, so the advice to take care of yourself is great advice. I had to let the house go more than I like and teach my children to help more than they like. But I hope to raise a boy who helps his wife out and change the cycle. I definitely found out that being angry at him accomplishes nothing but strife in our marriage. Good Luck!

Use paper plates.
Clean up means just throwing them out.
Take out and/or delivery food works well and you won't have to clean up pots and pans.
Tell your 3 yr old 'Later' or 'Not now' about half of the time.
She'll blow up but will eventually learn about delayed gratification.
Hubby feels like all he has to do is bring home the wages - he doesn't want to do anything else.

What game/s is/are he playing?
If it's a game system maybe you can dunk the drive in a pail of water and dry it out so he won't know.
When he tries to play it just won't work.
The lengths he goes to replace it will tell you how addicted he is.
Repeat as needed.

Once you have this next baby, have your tubes tied.
Do not have any more kids with this man.
You might as well be a single parent and Hubby expects you to mommy him as well as the other kids.

Start hiring people to take your place-that should get him moving-get rid of the video games while he's at work. Good luck!

get a wake up service:

http://www.mysnoozester.com/Wake-Up-Calls.snooze?gclid=CN...

part of the problem is that you define the family adults pulling together to do what needs to be done as him HELPING you. you should be a team.
i see a few issues in this post. first off, is this behavior something new, or has he always been this way? you're working on kid #3, so you guys should have something of a family dynamic and flow going by now.
if you were told to sit and relax, did you actually do that? or were you obsessively checking to see if he did what he said he was going to do? why didn't you take him at his word, and leave both the dishes and dinner for him to figure out?
why on EARTH do you set his alarms and lay out his clothes? is he 8? if you coddle and mommy him, he's not going to behave like a functional adult.
have you struggled with depression before? it sounds as if you have.
yes, you DO need to ask for help. not nag for it or beg for it or blow up for it. ask for it, simply and honestly, and before it gets to the blow-up point.
if he's always been this way, and your children are learning to ignore and disrespect you from their dad, your problems are big and you need to get to counseling pronto. if this ship has been on this course long enough to get you to your third child, it's going to be hard to change course, so dig in.
but if you expect to keep on doing what you're doing (not asking for help, then blowing up) and think things will change, well, we all know what that's the definition for.
good luck, hon!
khairete
S.

What was your response to the sit & relax, and the undone dishes?

In our household, we both work full time. We both pitch in to household and childcare. Frankly though, it would get my goat to see my husband browsing the paper while I was dusting the tops of the door jambs. A few things changed to improve our situation.

1. I came to understand that we have different measures for what is dirty and what requires cleaning. He is not being obtuse, he just doesn't see it as dirty, and I am not being overzealous, I do see it as dirty.
2. I had to back off, he had to step up.
3. If I asked him to take on responsibilities beyond those which he usually shoulders (as it is he does the laundry, ironing, much of the cooking, cleans the kitchen, handles the trash, recycling, home repair, bill payment, and does morning school runs and takes our kid to Tae Kwon Do). I need to ask his availability, advise when I need to see it completed by, and then step away and let him do it when and how he pleases. (He doesn't like being micromanaged, I don't like to hover, it isn't a good thing).
4. travel for work or pleasure, makes the other appreciate those tasks which we each do, that fall under the radar, because they are just always taken care of. i.e. I had to disassemble the lemon squeezer thing to clean it recently, and I came to realize that I had never done it because hubs was always the one to clean it. Another example, while in LA, I got a call from the daycare saying our DS had a rash. It didn't even cross my Hubs mind to bathe the kid, because it was something I always took care of.

My point being-
sounds like he isn't wholly a bad egg. he did encourage you to sit & relax.
he is not a mind reader. you might have to ask for help, or re-define your division of labor.
he might take initiative, if he saw the need to do so.
get out of dodge when invited to sit and relax, and set your expectations so that they might be met.

Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

PS-
for an altogether different strategy, instead of saying you need help, try a you require downtime too approach. If he gets a few hours with his games. Maybe you get a few out of the house. Talk about what would need to happen to facilitate that.

You DO have to ask for help. Men say they aren't mind readers and they want us to let them know what they want.

You have to be very specific. If you ask, and then he refuses or makes you feel like you are the bad guy, then you have to demand counseling so that this doesn't go on so long that it erodes your relationship.

And yes, hire a house cleaner.

Good luck with it!

If he's a good guy, and doing this like saying you should sit and relax while he helps, then you've got a good start. He sounds like the very typical guy who doesn't realize he is putting so much on you and is just kind of clueless.

It's very common for guys to think that their job is to earn money and provide for the family. Everything else seems to magically get done. I would start by being positive about what he tried to do. Tell him how nice it was when he offered to do dishes. Tell him it means a lot that he is helping, and that now that the baby is close to being born (congrats!) it's probably a good time to make some changes to how things are done. This is perfect to have a reason to implement new things, rather than just complaining about how it's been. You have a chance to just start clean (no pun intended).

Ask- don't tell- him how he would prefer to come up with regular chore distributions and to-do lists. Make it as non-confrontational as possible. Just make a list of regular duties and split them up- on the message board. This way it is very clear who needs to do what. And then keep to-do lists of one-time things on lists that can be checked off and thrown away.

I will say my husband is very helpful, and take initiative to do so. But with the one time stuff he is awful, I have to keep a copy of his to-do list because he will throw it away before everything is done! I have learned in general though, that if I need him to do something, it probably has to be spelled out for him. I appreciate what he does, let him know this, and have learned that he would rather me just tell him what needs to be done rather than making him guess.

Good luck!

First, you need to both (or maybe this is just your husband's problem) stop thinking that your husband is working a 9 hour day so he needs to relax and play some video games or whatever when he gets home. Guess what? You are also working a 9 hour day. Actually, your day is longer and your work is harder. He has relaxing times during the day where he can turn off. You have kids and are "on" all day. It's exhausting. I am a research biologist and science writer, and for 3 years I was a SAHM full time. It was FAR FAR more exhausting. I was relieved when I started working again bc it is so much easier on you. SO - once you and husband change your mindset that he is working and you are not...then you can start from there. You are both busy and you are both working hard. He gets home and you are both a TEAM. He needs to do 1/2 of the team jobs. It is only fair. If you want...make a huge list of everything that has to be done each day, week, month around the house. Of course you will probably take more of these things bc they are part of your "home job" but it's not possible for your mental health to do everything on this list. Then take what is left and you split it equally. You have to decide what works for your family. My husband folds laundry, cleans the kitchen, cooks dinner some nights, gives kids baths, and puts one kid (sometimes both) to bed every night. On weekends we both choose certain home jobs so I am not doing all of them...so we split cleaning the bathrooms, feeding the kids, or vacuuming or whatever. Make a schedule. Have him do dinner every other night. He cleans the nights you cook. He does bath time every other night so you can relax. He picks one house cleaning activity per day to take some strain off you. Some week nights I go out for an exercise class and my husband is in charge of everything with the kids. We take turns driving them to sports. On the weekends we take turns as well because sometimes I am itching to go out for a 3 hour bike ride or a big hike with a girlfriend. Or he may really want to go do a half day trail run. We take turns with these things. You need to think of him as an equal too...with the kid stuff. Let him handle it all while you go do something every now and then. How to get your husband on board with being fair? I don't know what to tell you...start talking to him calmly about it. How you feel. How being treated like this makes you feel taken advantage of. I wish you luck...it is hard to change another person if they do not want to change (and he has it pretty good).

Great first question.
On the off chance you're not a troll.... 'people do what they are allowed to do'

You are right to be bothered but you are not alone! Recently, last two years, my husband has finally started helping but that is more now because he's afraid he's gonna lose me (we've not been in a good place for a long time).