"Prematurely" Aging Parents

I think the best things you can do is DOCUMENT their lives.

You cannot change their health situations, limitations in driving/coming to see you, or how long they live.

When you are with them, try to focus on enjoying their company. Take lots of pictures, especially of your children with them. Video your favorite things...for example, my dad used to have a beautiful garden he liked to work in (I have no pictures of it or him doing his hobby), and he had a GREAT laugh, I regret not having video of him smiling and laughing.
Try to plan a vacation WITH them, if possible, so that you build those memories now, take pictures and can later recall experiences having fun with them. If they are not willing/able to GO on vacation, then plan a staycation where you can go to the zoo, plant flowers (you can put some in your yard to enjoy for years to come and know them as "grandma's daisies"). For every Father's Day (or close to it) our family takes "the dads" to a minor league baseball game. It's fun, relaxed and MUCH cheaper than a major league game. Grandpa buys the kids WAYYYY too many treats, we snap pictures and all enjoy a "picnic" on blankets near the outfield. It's a great "tradition" we look forward to every year.

Finally, they do have "memory books" for grandmas and grandpas to fill in. They ask questions like, "what did you like to do as a child", "how did you meet Grandma", "what was the happiest time of your life". It comes in a flashcard stack that is spiral bound or I've also seen little books too. I have learned so much about my own mother that I'd never thought to ask. We gave them to ALL the grandparents and asked them to fill them in at their leisure. I hope my kids have them to look back on.

Because we lost my dad early (my children never knew him) I keep a picture of him in each of their rooms. We talk about him all the time. They know he watches us and helps us...I have told my children that if they are mad at me or having a difficult time, maybe Grandpa can help them. Just because he's not with us, doesn't mean he's gone.

I am sorry that you are watching your parents health decline. I know it's difficult to see their health fail and them seeming to "opt out" of life. All you can do is offer...offer to visit, offer to plan a vacation, offer to bring the kids over. If you respect their choices, even tho you may disagree with them, you may have the opportunity to enjoy them more while they are still here as opposed to "fighting" their decisions/way of life.

Best wishes

I do not really have any answers for you but I wanted to let you know that I understand how you feel. My mother in law is 63 and acts like she is 80. She has suffered from diabetes also and does not take care of herself. She is constantly saying she doesn't feel well. She moved in with us almost 4 years ago because she could not afford to live on her own and she also lost most of her eyesight as a result of diabetes so it was hard for her to be independent. She makes no effort to have friends or do anything unless we get her out, which we try to do as often as possible. I feel bad for her and it makes me realize that I do not want to be that old when I am that young so I am motivated to take care of myself. My parents are older than her but much more active. I would make every effort you can to see your parents and allow your kids to get to know them. They won't be around forever and encourage them to visit you and your kids too.

I know what you are going through. My mom's body was a lot older than her chronological age and there came a time when she was unable to continue caring for herself but ready yet to go to a nursing home. I would suggest calling the department of aging and elderly services in the county that your parents live in, and seeing if they can hook you up with a social worker who can assist you in creating a care plan for your parents. Maybe you can get your parents moved into some kind of senior housing where they can have their own apartment unit but have daily assistance with housekeeping services, transportation to and from doctor's appointments, and benefit from the different activities that the residents have going on like card games, movie night, book clubs, etc.

Thankfully you have a set of grandparents who does take care of themselves and makes themselves available to your son. We can understand what you are going through in a way because we don't have ANY sets like that and I too experience the jealousy when I see grandparents coming to the soccer fields or to wait with us on the first day of school so they can see their grandchildren get on the bus.

I live about 5 hours from my dad and 7 from my mom. We live about 13 from my in-laws. We have lived in NY for 6 1/2 years. My dad has NEVER been here and in fact, we haven't spoken in 2 years now because he got mad when I wrote him a letter telling him I was disappointed he couldn't make time for us when we came in for a visit back then. He hasn't seen my oldest two since Christmas 2006 and has never met my youngest who will be three this summer. My in-laws come up about twice a year and honestly, it is always a problem. They are older and just like to have a chance to "reconnect" with the kids a couple of times a year. <sigh> When they lived in FL we visited a bunch of times and would ask them to go to Disney with us or the movies. We often heard "they've already done Disney so many times with the older grandkids". Guess that meant going with our children didn't matter. My mom tries to be involved. She comes up several times a year and we go down a couple of times a year but she is VERY unhealthy and always has been. She refuses to take care of herself and as a result, she often can't make it to things while she's here because she can't walk or is having stomach trouble or something. If she did her best to take care of herself I am sure it would make me sad to see her struggle so much but the older I get, I find myself getting angry because she doesn't even try, doesn't do what the doctors say, and just lives an all around negative life. Quite honestly, I am jealous of the other grandparents around here but that's because of how they live their lives...healthy, involved with their grandchildren, etc.

Unfortunately if you aren't comfortable going home for a visit, I think your hands are tied until you have the baby. I'm curious why you feel you can't go home for a visit though just because you are pregnant. I have driven back home 7 hours numerous times pregnant with my youngest and even just got back from a visit now and I'm 21 weeks with my 4th. My husband works a lot as well so I have often done the drive by myself both pregnant and not with the children.

BTW, I have to agree with Kansas Mom. I have tried nagging my mom because the woman is only 63 and she has been on life support three times already literally knocking on death's door. Doctor's are honestly amazed she is still alive. I want her around. Of all the grandparents, she is the best and the boys love her so having to call her when they lose to a tooth or score a soccer goal. I have to say though that all of that makes me that much angrier with her though because I don't understand why wanting to be there for my children isn't motivation enough for her to take care of herself. My family now has to make the decision where we are going to plant our roots because she has refused to take care of herself and we know it is going to come down to us taking care of her as we were both raised, you take care of your parents...not put them in nursing homes. There are many times we want to stay where we are for many reasons like schooling and safety but if we do that, we will have to be able to get a very large house that can accomodate all of us. (I also have a challenged aunt I will be responsible for.) Because of my mom's decisions medically, financially, etc. she would not be able to live on her own up here. We are worried what having her live with us would do to our marriage though because of her negativity and controlling behavior. That has made us consider moving back home so she can stay in her own house and we are just closer to help her but then we are giving up the same level of safety and good schools. It's very frustrating and definitely adds to the resentment I am sad to say.

My parents are in their early 60's and aging prematurely. Last year, my father had a pacemaker installed and had to be treated for depression and another condition. My mother is also in her early 60's and has heart trouble as well as depression. It has been difficult for me to accept that my sons will never have the same experience with their grandparents that I had with mine.
I am reminded of it every time I see my kids' friends with their grandparents.
You could try having your son write notes to your parents and keeping in touch by telephone. If your parents have computer access, you could set up a web cam and have phone/video conferences with them. Then you wouldn't have to travel to see them. Of course, it never takes the place of real live interaction, but it does create a bond. You'll really know you have prematurely aged parents when you have to show up for grandparents' day at school!

I think my children probably feel some of the same frustration with me...not because I am "aging to quickly" but because I have allowed myself to get out of shape ( weight wise) and it has impacted how I feel on a daily basis. I can tell you that no amount of talking (think nagging...lol) or pressure from you is going to impact them until THEY decide that they want to do something about their situation. I recently returned from my first trip to Europe, to visit with our youngest daughter who is teaching there. In order to see and do the things that we wanted to do I had to walk and walk and WALK...sometimes up to 8 - 10 miles a day!!! After 3 weeks of that I have lost 10 pounds and have found that I am feeling a lot better both physicaly and emotionally about myself. I have decided ( on my own, not because of pressure from my family) to keep eating more healthily, and exercise everyday. What I am trying to tell you is that you can't force your parents to change their lifestyle, kind of like trying to convince someone to quit smoking or drinking, it has to come from within. The best thing you can do is change your attitude about it. You still love your parents, and want to spend time with them, or you wouldnt be concerned about this. Do what you can do...if you can go one weekend a month to visit with them...do it, if you can only go one day a month, do that. Let them know that you are concerned, that you wish that your Dad would stick to his diet a little better, that you wish your Mom would get some help with managing her medicines so that she can keep control of her depression but also be able to enjoy life. Maybe you could offer to go with them to their doctors appointments or have your husband, as a fellow physician contact their doctors for a discussion.
The main thing is you, you can't live their lives for them, anymore than they could live your life for you when they were raising you. All you can do is love them, and pray for wisdom and good decisions from them.
Good luck!!

Hi A.,

I've been there with my folks and now with my in-laws. It's tough. I've learned that the only thing you can do is be loving, supportive and understanding any way you can. Don't try to change them if they don't want to change. If you constantly hound them about what you feel is "right" for them, you will create a whole lot of resentment for you and for them not to mention stress. Express what you want in a loving way and hope they will reciprocate, but realize that they are what they are....period. My parents were very stubborn and set in their ways too. Whenever I tried to get them to "enjoy life more," it just caused resentment. My in-laws are just like your parents--they live in a small town and are very set in their routines. But, my hubby and I stay out of it. There will come a day when they need us and we'll be there for them. They are adults and if they are content for now, that's ok.. Eventually, the day will come when they will need your help and you will have to step in because you nor they will have a choice.

M