Pregnant Daughter

She needs a plan. Normally I would say that a week before birth would not be a good time to make life changing decisions, but afterward there will be no time to figure out anything.

The plan should include how she plans to get independent. Whether that happens in one month or five years is up to you. Does she plan to get a job? Does she need you to babysit? Is she planning to go back to school? For what degree (2 yr or 4 yr plan)?

She should be clear what role the father plans to play in the life of the child and your daughter. That includes economic, emotional, and physical support. If there is no plan on what his role is, do not let him move in. That is just him freeloading in your home, which is not healthy for anyone (including him).

Lastly you should be clear on what you expect from those living in your house. There is going to be some flexibility in the plan, children make that necessary, but you need to be blunt on what you will not accept in your house.

ETA: I am so glad that you cleared up the fact that the father will not be moving into your home. That might have caused WWIII.

Original: Okay, this is a lot in a very short time span. You are still adjusting to the fact that you are going to become a grandma. Breathe. I know I have been there with the surprise of grand baby coming in three months' time. It was a shock to the system and an adjustment as son lived out of state about six hours away and was in the Army at the time.

What can or will you do for your daughter and the baby? Will you watch the baby occasionally? Will you be your daughter's financial support? Will she or you be the one getting up at night with the baby? Will you give her a time frame to get her act together and to move out on her own? What will the boyfriend's role be with the baby and support? Is he employed? Do you really want the boyfriend in your home in your way? Do you work and how will this change your life style? These are questions you must ask yourself first and answer.

Ask your daughter what her plans are and when she plans to execute them. How will she get baby to and from the doctor's appointments and such.

You are both adults and as such, treat her as an adult. Be matter of fact and up front with everything. She is entering the real world of parenthood and there is no training manual.

Life might be a bit rough but she will manage and learn from her mistakes and make better decisions.

Good luck and report back to us.

the other S.

PS Whatever you do, do not let your daughter's life change the goals you have set out for yourself as you will resent her for it. Let her know when you cannot do something and follow through with it. The child is her full responsibility not yours. Remember the old saying about you having raised your family now it is time for her to raise hers.

I think initially focus on her and the baby and help her take steps to be self-sufficient. Encourage her/them to have legal custody papers (as protection for everyone - I have seen what happens with verbal agreements as the child gets older) and do a lot of listening. My grands were there for my mom when she was in her early 20s and had me, and I'm sure she was grateful for the support. School and work and a baby is a lot and you and she should sit down and see how to attain those goals anyway. If a 99 yr old woman can get her degree, so can your daughter. My mom took many years to get her degree as a single mom and I think in some ways I was more proud if her than I was of myself.

As for the BF, be reallly crystal clear with both of them. Presumably he also has a place to live and if they stay together, she can visit him there as well.

Both my sister and I had babies at 20, both of our baby's fathers (now husbands) were allowed to move in to my parents house. My husband and I moved out a month before our first baby was born and my sister and her husband moved out when their daughter was about 2.

I can only imagine if they told us they couldn't stay there, then we would have gone somewhere else and it would have been less than ideal, I'm sure.

I would like to think if any of my kids end up in this situation that the families are supportive of them.

I would not allow the boyfriend to move in. Once he's in, you'll never get him out and they will take over your home. I would also require that she start working or at least making a huge effort to find work after the baby is 3 months old. I firmly believe she should have that first three months to bond with the baby. Are you going to be around to babysit once the baby is born and she looks for and goes to work? Can the father (at HIS house)? Daycare is a huge expense and one she will be hard pressed to pay on an entry level salary.

I would add to the good responses below, that one important way you could be supportive is to find, pay for, and have them attend (volunteer to babysit) a parenting course together. Regardless of whether or not they stay together, it will help them to be on the same page in terms of parenting style. It will also help them both be more confident parents.