Pre-school Girl Around a 14 Year Old Boy - Blended Family Help

Yes - they are supposed to be siblings. He is now part of her family. They are brother and sister. So if there is no reason to think he is a danger (and you don't describe one), I would be livid too if I were the gf.

I think that beyond knowing that her child is in treatment, you really aren't privy to the details because you don't need to be. You need to trust that your ex has told you the overview and has it under control. If HE feels that your (plural) daughter is not safe in his home, then he needs to make other visitation arrangements. Is he making other arrangements because he feels the boy is not safe or is he making other arrangements b/c you have him over a barrel in regards to seeing his daughter?

If the harm was directed at others, that would be one thing, but it isn't. He's likely depressed and undergoing treatment. Lots of people get depressed. If your daughter were in those shoes, how would you feel if someone wanted to avoid her? Would you spill possibly embarrassing or deeply personal medical history about your child? Or would you just give the facts you had to and leave the personal details out? I have family members who simply say they are being treated for depression and frankly, the rest is not my business.

And on the flip side, my DH's ex doesn't need to know every detail about my child. If my daughter were being treated for depression, the ex might find out she was in counseling but I'm certainly not spilling personal details! The patient deserves some privacy. Try not to look at it as she's hiding some horror from you, but that she's protecting her child's personal information.

My stepson went through a full year of counseling when he was 14. If anyone would have thought he wasn't "safe" to have a 5 year-old around, I would have been more than "livid".

Unless there is more going on here than you describe (what exactly do you know that could have "bad repercussions" for your daugther?), I think you are being unreasonable. I'm also sure that you and your ex strategizing behind his mother's back is also part of her anger. What exactly are your "special arrangements"? Is he coming to your house?

There are three parents involved here and all three need to be included in decisions regarding both children. If there is a true safety issue here, then again, all three parents should be involved in deciding how to handle things. Right now, it sounds like you and your ex are making all the decisions.

I guess I'm confused on why a 14 year old boy needing counseling because he has no strong father figure for so long is going to be a negative affect on your daughter. Suicidal statements are very serious things, yes, but I don't quite get the reason that the statement requires your daughter to not be around him at all. I would agree with she can't be around him alone as you are not sure what he might do then, but at all? I guess I don't get it. Mom probably doesn't want you to know about it because of reactions exactly like this. Her son is obviously in pain and struggling. Reinforcing that there is something so wrong with him that he can't be around someone who is probably a "sister" figure to him simply helps him to continue to believe negative things about himself. I work with at-risk youth everyday and can say that what they need is continued support not isolation. I do agree that you should know that he is struggling if your daughter is around him, but I guess I was expecting to hear "He's in counseling because he is inappropriate sexually with females. It may sound harsh, but that's just my opinion.

Do you think the GF didn't want you to know because she was protecting her son's privacy? The teenage years are tough enough without having something embarrassing going on in your life. To a 14 year old boy, any type of counseling would probably be embarrassing.

Just taking what you wrote, it sounds like your concern is that he is 14 and he is going to counseling. That alone doesn't sound like a reason to keep your daughter away from him.

Maybe there is something you're not telling us?

My youngest stepson had the same age difference with my daughter and I never would have thought of not wanting him around her.
He was horribly spoiled, hated school, quite frankly could have benefitted from counseling because of the issues surrounding the fact that his parents divorced when he was a baby and his mother told him constantly that his father abandonded him, which wasn't true.
He was no harm to my daughter what so ever. He had no girls in his family and my daughter was a bit of an enigma, but he wasn't bad to her. He was indifferent at first, if anything.

My kids are 10 years apart. I never felt weird about my daughter's friends around her little brother for sleep overs, etc. My son is 16 and quite in demand as a babysitter because he is so good with kids. He takes after me and is a little on the strict side, which parents seem to really like. In other words, he follows rules implicitly and is extremely responsible.

I just really wonder what exactly the boy has done to make you so fearful to be around your daughter.

My bratty, spoiled, hating school step son is now a member of a SWAT Team for a Sheriff's department and very successful. He's been married for 6 years, owns his own home, they travel.

As the mother of a son, I can tell you that boys do go through an awkward stage, some get a bit rebelious, some get withdrawn. It doesn't make them dangerous.

I have a daughter. Trust me...I was protective, but I also have a son and am protective of him as well. If someone said they didn't want my son around their child, I would be offended. My son has gone through the hell of a divorce and it's a miracle he's turned out okay. But, he is a protector of children. Especially those with special needs.

I know some say to follow your gut, but from what you've written, I don't see a reason to condemn this boy as a matter of course.
My stepson didn't affect my daughter as far as not liking school. He didn't affect her attitude.
My son is on track to follow him into law enforcement so even though there were some bumps during the teenage years, he hasn't been a bad influence at all.

If you are jumping to perv town, I think that might be unfair.

This is just my opinion.

I don't understand what issues he's having that would be detrimental to your 5 year old. Does he hurt her in any way? Or is it just that he's 14 and she's 5? You haven't really given any reason that they couldn't be around each other, if people who were in therapy couldn't be around children that would be crazy.

Does your ex feel like the son could harm your daughter physically, mentally or sexually? He knows the boy, you not as well.

Or is the boy just going through a really rough spot in his life and getting the help he needs to get past this in a healthy way but still rebelling?

If he is just rebelling and there is no way he would hurt your daughter then I don't see why keeping them separate should have to happen. If he is capable of hurting her in any way then yes you should stand your ground.

I don't blame his GF for being livid. While he is letting you know what is going on ( I would be thankful also) he broke her trust by telling you. Im sure she is more livid with him and not so much you ( although she might be misplacing her anger). She may be hurting because while she is doing her best with her son, her son is causing her BF to have to jump through hoops ( so to say) to see his daughter. I have been in this mom's place and its a hard place to be in with your child!

ETA: For your SWH it may not be that she doesn't want just you to know all the struggles she is having with her son... she may not want anyone to know. Some people are very private when it comes to struggles with their own family. She might think that if you know struggles she is having, she may think you will think that she isn't a fit role model for your daughter if she can't handle her own child.

Maybe you should all hang out together regularly - a weekend picnic with all parents/kids. You parents can all suck it up and just be nice to each other. And this way you can get to know this boy better. I bet once you get to know him you will realize he is probably a good kid. My brother and I had divorced parents and we both had a hard time at that age (12-15 or so). My brother had suicidal thoughts and wrote poems about it. I hated myself. We both could have benefited from therapy but never got it. I think you are being too harsh towards this boy. I know you just want to protect your daughter but there is probably no reason to feel this way. When I was a young teenager (and my brother) we both LOVED being around little kids and really enjoyed playing with them. Our much younger cousins were the lights of our lives. For someone to even suggest we should not be around our younger cousins would have been devastating to us. Anyway - just my thoughts on your question. Good luck.

I would be livid if I was the girlfriend as well. You are insinuating that her teenage son is a bad influence on your daughter. Having problems in school and going to a counselor in no way make him an unacceptable family member for a 5 year old. What's he going to do, sneak a beer and share it with your daughter? Talk her into skipping school with him? What bad repercussions are you talking about?

Have you seen the two children interact before? If you know that he is unusually cruel to her (any more mean than any older brother is to a younger sister) or that he is abusing her in some way - get her out of the house and keep her away from him, if it means going to the courts.

Otherwise, accept that not everyone is perfect and that all people, especially children, needed to be treated with compassion. Of course his mom wants to shelter him from others' negative opinions. The kid has enough going on in his life without his step sister's mom acting like he is a criminal.

Shame on you and the other negative posters.

AFTER READING YOUR SO WHAT HAPPENED:

I somehow feel this is NOT the "only issue" you have with the woman your former husband has chosen to be with. Unless there is something more specific having to do with or affecting your child, the boy is none of your business.

Your former husband, your daughter and the son of the new girlfriend would probably do fine, if you and the new girlfriend could achieve some common ground.

My thought is: He's 14 and she's 5, so how much do they really interact with each other? As long as they are not being left alone together I would let it go. Right now your daughter is too young to understand the issues going on with the gf's son and you'll have the opportunity to talk to her about it as time goes on.

OK, first of all, by saying that you don't want your child around this boy because he may be a bad influence is implying that YOU believe that he is a bad kid. Sorry, but it's true. THAT's why his mother didn't want you to know. Second, if you are worried about him being around your daughter when she is visiting her father, then you are now implying that you don't feel that her FATHER is capable of keeping an eye on the situation himself, and personally I think that unless he has proven that to be the case, it's wrong. Third, if your ex were to marry this woman who he LIVES with, (basically married IMO at this point anyway), then this boy would be her step brother. Yes, there is a big age difference, and YES, he may be having issues at school, but that does NOT mean that he is a bad influence for her. He may be very sweet, overprotective, and nurturing to HER. You have not mentioned one thing about his behavior toward her that would indicate otherwise. Has there ever been an issue with his behavior toward her?
I have 4 children, and they are spread out VERY far in ages. My oldest 2 are several years older than the younger 2. The older 2 have done things that I hope and pray that the younger 2 never do. Also, the younger 2 have done some things that my oldest 2 NEVER did. I assume that when the older kids did something, and the younger 2 were present for the actual incident, (rare), or the consequences, (more frequent), they may actually take in what we were saying and possibly learn a thing or 2 about what NOT TO DO later in life. It obviously didn't work for their sibling. Now, that being said, my older 2 NEVER, ever acted out in a negative way toward their younger 2 siblings. There was such a huge age difference, they wouldn't have thought of it. They were babies compared to them. They adored them, cherished them, and protected them. They still do. It is much more common for siblings who are a lot older to act more like parents of their younger brothers and sisters then to be cruel or mean or ever act out in typical sibling rivalry toward the much younger siblings because of the big age difference. My younger 2 children DO look up to and idolize their older siblings. They think of them as perfect almost. (they are not parents, so it makes sense) I guess I am lucky because my older 2 are for the most part, good examples. They are not perfect, and when they were teenagers they made many mistakes. I just see this as all what happens when you are part of a family
If the older child or any child who was the "influence" was not a faily member, well, I could understand not wanting your child around him then. You would feel that way obviously. Also if he was doing things directly to your younger child or even directly in front of the younger sibling that would be very destructive. If his behavior issues are at school, or are even at home, but are personal in nature and she isn't subjected to them directly, I feel that she should not be kept from her family, which IMO this boy and his mother now are by choice of your ex. Sorry, I am sure my opinion is not going to be poopular.
ETA- OK............ Just took the time to read a bunch of the responses, and I must say, YAY Mom's!!! I am very surprised that the opinion I voiced on this is more the "norm" than not. I am also very happy that the Mom's on this site are on the same page. :) It makes my heart feel good to know that a teenager with some depression issues after his parents broke up, or with a single Mom in a fairly new relationship, or heck, just a teenager with some depressionissues doesn't automatically have all the Mom's against them these days. I really and truly DID think that my response would be way different than the majority. LOL! NOT SO MUCH! :)

You do not have the right to know confidential information about another woman's son's counseling. Your husband should have been capable of filtering whether the boy is a danger to your husband's child. The most you had a right to know is that the boy is having some typical teenage issues and wether your husband is leaving his daughter unattended with him. You have a right to ask that he not be the babysitter. It's overboard (and likely outside the boundaries of your husband's legal visitation rights) to demand special arrangements. You're teaching your daughter to be afraid of teenage boys, and you're showing the girlfriend that she was exactly right for not wanting you to know about her son's business.

My only problem or concern would be, that's it's without basis. Has he done anything to your daughter? If not, I would rethink it. I don't know what his issues are, they may not have any impact on your daughter. If he has low self esteem, from his dad not being around, is being bullied at school, doesn't have many friends stuff like that, therapy can help him and none of that has any impact on your daughter. It's a personal subject and her not wanting you to know is not a terrible thing. Honestly, what is happening may have been the main reason she didn't want you to know. I know you said it's only b/c she didn't want you to know, but is that really the only reason. It sounds like your ex is a decent guy who is active in his child's life and I am sure that if there was a real concern he would handle it. I would be upset if I was in her place, it will cause friction in what they are trying to build. Example: they plan a family outing/trip, will your daughter be able to go, if her son is present? If not, will your ex still go or back out b/c he doesn't want to leave in daughter out? Are they going to have to take separate vacations? See what I'm getting at? Blending families is hard, without a true reason, I would think long and hard about making that stipulation. Another example: where would she sleep? Can she never stay over night with daddy anymore? What will the reason she is given when she asks why not? and she will ask, especially if its been okay in the past. He says he is fine with it now, but it will get old fast. What if they decide to marry? Have you talked to her? Maybe if you can both express your concerns you will both be comfortable with the situation. She is trying to protect her child the same way you are yours. Also keep in mind that by his telling you, whether right or wrong, he violated her trust, so some of this may stem from that. Also if you did not speak to her, you really don't know what he said to her exactly. She and her son may truly care for your daughter and now they cannot see her. Just because he is 14 doesn't mean he doesn't have a relationship with your daughter. He may think of her as a little sister and adore her, especially if she is crazy about him. I would get more info before I made a permanent decision. Good Luck.

How serious is your ex and this girlfriend? If it looks like she is going to be around for awhile, I would sit down with her and also with your ex and say you want to clear the air about all this and that you never intended to cause such a disruption. I would share your concerns and see what she and your ex have to say. This might be the first step in opening up more direct and healthy communication between all the parents. Blended family life is so hard but when everyone works together it can be doable.

If your gut says this boy shouldn't be around your daughter, what are you supposed to do?? How could you do anything, but stand your ground.

It seems as though you've found out some things, that leads you to believe this boy could some how harm or influence your daughter. (Perhaps, things you haven't mentioned here.) I think you should do what you think is necessary to protect your daughter. Your ex will have to deal with that, on his end. It's not your job to worry about the feeling of your ex's live in girlfriend. It's your job, to take care of your child.

I'm sensitive about little girls being around older boys when I am not around to supervise as well. I know exactly where you are coming from. I trust my 13 y/o nephews around my girls- but if I was sending my girls (5 and 2) over to be babysat with either of my sisters, and there were other older boys visiting my nephews, I'd have that uneasiness too. And these are my sisters, who I would trust to keep an eye on things.. but when you think about it, I am trusting them to NOT trust their son's friends and NOT leave my girls alone in a room with teenage boys... and I don't know that they would, because they probably trust and feel comfortable with their sons friends. But I don't know the friends.
So I can only imagine leaving your daughter in that kind of situation for the whole entire weekend. I'm guessing you don't trust your ex to have the same kind of vigilance because He probably trusts the 14 y/o. Would you feel better if you got to know the girlfriends son a bit better? Spent some time with him, be able to see what your gut says about him? Right now all you know is that he's in counseling and you get a weird vibe from the mom about it?

I don't blame you for standing your ground. But you could probably also make efforts to be a little more communicative about why you aren't comfortable (it's just because you wouldn't leave your daughter alone iwth ANY teenage boys, and it's hard to send her off to live with one for a few days where you can't supervise. You don't have to imply you think there is something wrong with the kid). If I were the gf I'd be feeling really defensive about my son and wondering what you think about him too. This is just creating a negative cycle where she doesn't want to feed your fears by telling you anything about him.

I think it may be hard for her to understand because only mothers of girls truly understand that feeling of protection over them. I think if you trusted your ex more you might feel comfortable because you know he would never let anything happen or leave the two alone together. I think you should be open and honest with the girlfriend about what your feelings are, but leave his 14 y/o issues out of it. Explain it as an overprotectiveness you have and nothing personal against her son. opening the lines of communication may help you all feel more comfortable because she may share more, you will get a better feel for whats going on.

You actually say your ex is ok with the alternative arrangements you have set up? That tells me he does have your daughters best interests in mind and understands where you are coming from. Sounds like there just needs some smoothing over with the gf to let her know its not personal, you don't have a bad opinion of her son, you just feel this way toward teen boys you don't know in general.

Sorry if I went a little ramble-y on this, I totally understand your position. One of my other sisters was molested by a family friend around that age (he was 13 or so) and I don't trust anyone alone with my girls thats not an immediate relative. Not even for 5 seconds. I may sound overboard on this... I'm not, just hyper-aware.

I would totally do the same thing you are doing. And if your ex is okay with this, I really wouldn't care what the gf thinks. I absolutely think you're doing the right thing. You don't know this boy (I assume) - he might be a great kid but I would have the same worries you do. I would absolutely stand your ground...especially since your ex is fine with it. Maybe the reason he is okay with it is because he knows even more about the situation and knows it is the right thing to do.

I know you got a lot of responses already but your post hits home for me. My husband has a 12 year old half brother who is has many issues. My MIL is constantly trying to get help for him. He is a very sweet boy, however, I have a 4 year old daughter and a 2 1/2 year old son and I just feel it in my gut that I absolutely DO NOT want my children alone with him. He has never done anything that should make me feel that way I just do. I am one who always goes with my gut and I think you should too. It should be enough that you have that feeling that you don't want your daughter around him, don't let ANYONE make you feel like you are wrong. Sometimes I feel guilty for feeling the way I do, but then I think that it is my job to protect my children and I have that feeling for a reason. How would I feel if something did happen to one or both of my children. I couldn't live with myself. SO, I will stick to my guns and not let them be alone with my BIL. God Bless!

Your Ex and Girlfriend live together. They are not married. But it will be hard to keep the 2 kids separate. They live together.
They are all in the same house.
But your Ex, should also look out for his daughter.

The girlfriend is trying to keep privacy about her son. That is her right. That is her son.
But your Ex, needs to use common sense too. And about his daughter.
He doesn't have to be stuck in the middle.

I am 100% with you on this one. Your little girl is only 5, I wouldn't trust my daughter around him either. Sorry but the comment about killing himself is a huge red flag.
Only you and your husband can decide who is around your daughter and your husband is on the same page as you on this so if the gf is livid, that's her problem. I understand her feelings might be hurt because she loves her son and wants him to be loved and accepted but your little one is too young to be around that kind of environment. kudos to her for taking her son to therapy and kudos to your ex for respecting your wishes.

I agree with you completely! And if anyone else thinks you are wrong just go & look at the website for Texas sex offenders. You will see male after male convicted at a teenage age of hurting girls in your daughters age group. He has "issues" already, what if he decides to experiment on your little girl? I would say HELL NO! Trust your gut reaction because if not, you will be the one having to put your daughter in counseling for whatever he does to her. Then she will be screwed up for life & have issues with men as an adult woman. If the gf gets mad, oh well, screw her, if the shoe were on the other foot & she had a little girl, I bet her opinion would be way different.