Potty Training SOS!

Ahhhh . . . . that's the issue.
Not that he might have regressed or have an occasional accident.
But that "peer model" kids need to be really really perfect
so that the other kids can see them as shining examples.
Kind of a difficult situation.
Can you talk with the teacher about keeping your boys together
and that your son is going through a regression period?
It might be an opportunity for teacher/school
to consider the possibility that "peer models" can't be perfect,
and that might be more realistic
for the kids who look to them for examples.

I like both Susan and Shira's answers and have a few questions to ask the teacher.

First, how does the teacher address children about using the bathroom? I am a preschool teacher and after *years* of accidents, I know now that kids need to be TOLD to go use the toilet, not ASKED. For so many reasons (busy playing, asserting their own authority, not enough experience with bodily cues), when we ask a child "Do you need to go potty?" they just respond "No" and keep on playing.

Does the teacher have a system to support 'saving' the child's work/toy until later when they have to use the bathroom? I have found that, when a child is resistant to using the toilet, there's often a concern--most commonly, they don't want another child to take their toys or move/rearrange something they have constructed, etc. With my group, I have options for this: they can put their toy up in a safe place and I reassure them I'll give it back OR I cover their work with a light scarf, which my group understands to mean "leave it alone, it isn't available". I also have children who really want me to wait before starting a story so they can take a needed bathroom break, so I am happy to lead the group in a song or two while we wait. Getting to the root of the child's concerns is important, and being flexible helps.

I'd also want to find out how accidents are handled. What sort of support for toilet learning is available to the students and teachers? The University of Michigan has a great webpage for early childhood ed students on toilet learning, and I have found this approach to be highly effective and more thoughtful than some more traditional toilet training models. Google "Toilet learning" to find out more. The word "angel units" will be somewhere in the URL, if I remember correctly.

Not to contradict your teacher, but I do wonder if perhaps she's just got no time to 'deal with' the accidents? Having peer models is important, but I think there's value in knowing that sometimes even your models make mistakes. Accidents are just that--mistakes, and teaching children that everyone has challenges is a pretty real life lesson. No one's perfect. I would also discuss this with the director/principal and ask about written policy. Suggest to them that you will continue to work with your son, but for the sake of consistency in his life, you'd like to know exactly what sort of expectations your family must meet. See if you, the teacher and head administrator can develop a plan with goals and deadlines together. (He's 3! They need to cut him a little slack!)

If you check out the Mamas On Call website, they recently posted a short article on using pre-programmed sports watches which go off at intervals to remind children to use the toilet. There's more on medical issues in the article. I found it to be very intriguing.

I personally deal with accidents very matter of factly at my preschool and while children must be 3 to attend, I don't have a toilet-training requirement. I've heard of some daycares that have actually had kids excluded from care until they were successfully staying dry before returning. I find this attitude very disrepectful of the emotional consistency young children need. It takes a lot for kids to get used to the rhythm of a new school or caregiving situation, and then to jerk them around based on performance at such an early age? Sheesh...how will this sort of pressure and inconsistency in the child's life actually be helpful?

Okay, I'll get off my soapbox here. I hope that this works out for the best. It's likely of value to both of your sons to be with each other during the day. I think, personally, that the teacher could be more understanding of the changes in your son's life and that he's hopefully just had a minor stumble of a week and that this is not a major hurdle. The teacher and child are just beginning to know each other, and it might be worthwhile to share what works at home with her. If she's still unmovable on this--well, your son might be better off with someone who is more comfortable and relaxed in this area. Sorry--what a hard way to start the school year!

He's NORMAL.

"regression" can also occur when a child is 'stressed' or encountering new changes in their life and routines. So don't punish for this. It will NOT work and will make the stress and anxiety worse.

Boys often, train later....

Lecturing him about it, will not work either...

My daughter, when she started Preschool at about 3.5-4 years old, also had accidents. Her Teacher... just comforted her and told me to bring in extra clothing for her in the future.

KEEP in mind... that Preschool, Kindergarten and even 1st grade kids DO have accidents. And this is NORMAL and per our Pediatrician... and my Daughter's Teachers ALSO said this.

A child, WILL have accidents. It is childhood.

Honestly, boys just take a little longer to potty train. I know some boys that didn't 'get it' until they were 4. You may have started to train them too soon, and that why it seems like they're taking forever to get the hang of it.

You can check with your doctor, but I would just be patient and consistent with them. And don't punish them for accidents.

I also have twin boys. They are two very different little boys. I started potty training at 2 1/2. I was just too early. I tried about every three months to see how they would do and they would do good for a day or two and then get bored with the whole idea. So I finally had to do something different as they were falling behind in daycare. The daycare would move my boys up to their age level until they were potty trained. Which is kind of funny because my boys also have a slight speech delay and being with kids their own age was recommended by the speech therapist, which is funded by the state, yet the daycare said that they can't move the kids because of state regulations. Anyways, I digress. Anyways I decided to train one boy at a time. For some reason I started with the one that I had had the most trouble with. In three days he was trained. He was just ready. I let him be potty trained a good 2 1/2 months before started my next son. I thought that if he watched his brother he might just want to do it by himself. No such luck. I tried everything...rewards, m&ms, cherrios in the toilet, praise, calling daddy at work to tell him he was a big boy....nothing worked until I got some awesome advice from this website. One lady suggested buying a hand held game. I found one at Walmart for $10. Nothing special, but my little man is totally into electronics. I was mostly having a problem with him sitting there long enough to do anything. Reading books and singing songs was only fun for so long....even for mommy. lol. I put this game up on a shelf and told him he could only play with it while sitting on the potty. I would take him potty every hour and then I would let him have the game. After about a week, he was telling me he had to go. Only a couple of accidents since, we are still working on night time issues now. So I guess my advice would be is to go back at little and retrain him a little. You might be able to make it fun with a hand held game and he might not notice it as well. Maybe it will work for your other son too. As far as your speech teacher, I am finding they can be a little pushy. Remember to make yourself known. The government pays for them, so our taxes are paying their wages. Hang in there mom. They are still young, but it sounds like they are doing pretty well.

this may sound crazy but i have twins too and i've been worried about separation anxiety when they start school. have your boys been separated before? maybe starting school and being separated from their constant companion could cause a little regression. just a thought.

The hand held game sounds amazing. I wish I knew that with my kids. Kids go back and force in potty training. My youngest did this several times. But the thing that helped is plain and simple bribery and rewarding. The hand held game is really good. I used tootsy rolls, each time he used the potty, he got a tootsy roll. He started going potty even if he didn't have to. I told him he got to go to the store and pick out a toy when he was totally potty trained. Ask the school how long you have. I wouldn't turn this into a negative and tell your son he has to potty train or else, it may attach a stigma to getting trained. But ask for a few weeks, send a hand held or whatever you are going to use to the school so he has consistancy in using the potty. If they see you are agressively and really trying to get him trained they may be willing to work with you and help with this. Oh and yes you could have him checked over by your doctor, never a bad idea if you think there is something wrong.

Ask the teacher or principal if your pm son can have until the end of October to be dry and remain in the school. Then, you have a couple weeks to work with your son and he can see on the calendar when the deadline is. It also shows the teacher that you're working on it but recognizing the example that the pm kids are supposed to be.