Potty Training a Strong-willed, Bright Girl...

My daughter did not fully potty train (day and night) until she was a few months past three. She also is very verbal. It wasn't that she didn't understand the concept or wasn't ready physically, she just didn't want to do it.

Like you, we stopped day time diapers and there were plenty of accidents. Her doctor told us to have her sit on the potty (and she wanted it to be the actual toilet...no little potty chair for her) every 2.5-3 hours for 3 minutes because that is how often they urinate at that age. If she peed on the toilet we told her that she did a great job. If she didn't we just said oh well, maybe next time. Eventually we made her a deal that for every 7 days she went without having an accident she could get either a happy meal or make a trip to the dollar store. We made up a sticker chart so she could see that she had gone 5 days without an accident and just needed to go two more before she got her 'reward.' We also told her that she couldn't start preschool until she was able to use the toilet. She really, really wanted to go to school so that helped to motivate her.

Like I said, after a few months she was fully potty trained and I think she has had maybe 3 accidents since then. She turns 5 in June.

Best of luck.

Well, it's only day 1, so don't get frustrated yet. We didn't potty train our daughter until she was 3 years 8 months so you are not "too late"...it's not like there's a whole slew of kids out there that are not potty-trained because their parents missed some magical window of opportunity.

Emotionally, she just might not be ready. If she needs to be potty-trained to start preschool in the fall, and you don't get anywhere after 3 or 4 days, take a break, and tell her you will try again after she turns 3. It's a concrete number and maybe something she will better understand, rather than some abstract arbitrary day.

My daughter is a lot like yours and was really resistant to potty training until I finally just took the diapers off, stuck the underwear on, and let her have some accidents a few times. And we had tried every trick and every incentive in the world up until the point and everyone kept saying she'll train when she is ready, etc. but they didn't know her! I swear, she would still be in diapers today if I hadn't done what I did! But she was also a whole year older than your daughter is now, so I figured it was fine to say, enough was enough.

The thing is, she had quite a few accidents and wet panties on day 1. She didn't like it and wanted her diapers back, but I held firm and told her no. She still had a pull-up for sleeping but typically was dry when she woke up. On day 2 she had a couple of accidents, but also a couple of times got that "look" on her face that told me she knew the pee had to come out and she needed to do something about it, so I would escort her to the bathroom and make her sit on the potty, even as she was wailing and carrying on that she just wanted her diapers back. Once the pee ended up in the potty a few times, and she got praised and rewarded (stamp on a chart plus M&Ms) for it, she did great. By day 3, she didn't have any wet panties or accidents at all and was telling me she had to go sit on the potty to pee. And literally, that was it. Again, remember, she was also a whole year older than your daughter is now. But it's not like waiting that long made it harder - if anything, it was as easy as pie, once we got her to understand what she needed to do and she didn't have a choice any longer. She will be turning 5 in August and I can probably count on one hand the number of pee accidents she's had in the past year since getting trained.

So, like I said, you can see how it goes for a few more days, but if she senses that you are pressuring her too much, she is going to resist, and you will probably be better off taking a break, and trying again in a few more months.

There's quite a range of training approaches/ages, any of which may be more appropriate for different mothers and different children.

Child-led potty learning, the most common approach used in our culture today, works well for a majority of kids, and your daughter is still in line, age-wise, to experience success sometime in the coming year. For this approach, both physical and emotional readiness are essential, and it sounds like your strong-willed child has a strong-willed mommy. This can sometimes result in a clash of wills that sets the whole process back by months. When she tells you she's not a big girl and won't be bribed, she is telling you she doesn't feel ready emotionally yet. That might be really useful information.

Previous generations, and some other cultures, expect(ed) children to be trained by two or even younger. And many kids do have success that early. Many do not. I'm in my 60's, and a surprising number of friends in my generation have been in expensive therapies of various kinds for problems with self-worth, authority, depression and other emotional disorders – that seem to be rooted in early potty-training. In my age-group, potty-training woes are almost a standing joke. But it's not funny for those suffering negative consequences of being pushed too fast, or of disappointing their mothers if they failed. I'm not telling you that training now will harm your child. But there could be effects of pushing that are not pretty.

I hope you'll keep in mind that a three-year-old is undergoing tremendous change, development and learning on many levels. A few months is a huge percentage of their short lives so far, and in three or four or six months, your daughter will be, in essence, quite a mature person compared to who she is now. She may feel more settled and confident and eager by then. And at some point, almost every child becomes eager to be trained, and many of them can essentially "do it themselves," almost overnight. It's something that they can and do accomplish through personal initiative, just as they did with walking and talking.

Read about just about any potty training question, including readiness checklists, in helpful detail at http://www.parentingscience.com/potty-training-tips.html. It's a really helpful resource, spelling out many options, and the advantages and drawbacks of various approaches.

Wishing you the best.

My kids were all potty trained by the time they were 2 yrs. 8 months old. They sat on the potty first about every 15-30 min. and if they didn't go they went in that amount of time again. I didn't have them sit long like your are but just long enough to go if the need was there. I also baby sat a grandson and he was like your daughter and said he would not wear underwear or go in the potty and was very determined and verbal about it. The day came and I said 'This is the day' and he knew it was the day. He had one accident and that was it and at nap time he refused a pull up and was dry for that day on. I think you need to let your daughter know this is not her decision and potty train her. However, it is your decision and I see you had a suggestion for child led potty learning so maybe you prefer that approach. I didn't. I think by 3 years old they understand and can control the bladder fine.

I have potty trained 4 kiddos, my last being a strong willed girl. My advice....wait until they are ready. You cannot believe how easy it is then. Rarely accidents...not work at all!

She was a few months before 3 when she picked out something to wear that I didn't want her to. I happened to say....this dress is for big girls that use the potty. And that was all it took. Obviously it had to be her choice....it was...and it was a piece of cake.

I don't think you waited too long at all. When she is ready...it will happen without much effort.

I have only potty trained my two kids. Two totally different experiences.... One early 22 mos - one after 3.... (actually easier). My biggest learning is that they really are in charge of this one! The more we push - the more they push... don't let it get to that point. Make it a fun process. Get super excited when she goes - dance etc!!! When she has an accident, just say "uh oh" the potty goes in the potty remember. We'll try again next time. Praise her - never punish. AND don't expect night time training to come when you (or she) wants. It will come when her body is ready... Good luck

Hi,

First can I say: relax: you are on day ONE! This is a process, and your're not necessarily going to see results right away.

Second, it sounds as though you are letting your little one dictate how potty training is going to go (I may be wrong); with both my boys, it was a mom-in-charge attitude (which also meant if there was an accident: I was MY fault, not theirs. If you take full control, it will be easier on BOTH of you.

Overall, I'd warn against spending all day on the potty talking and having tea parties. My boys did great playing naked in the back yard, because it helped them figure out what's going on with the pee, and they discovered very quickly that they could control it (with me looking on to point it out to them). Once they had good enough "control" in the back yard, we moved inside.

Give her drinks (she likes) at set times of the day. Don't let her sip on it, make her finish a measured amount. Then, 15-20 mins later, sit her on the toilet, and leave her in there.

Our younger son seemed to "get it" faster than out first, but our younger son has "accidents" still, while our older son stopped having any "accidents" after 6 months of being trained.

Hey, good luck!!!
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You have described my now 4.5 year old daughter! :-) There's hope Momma, don't get frustrated yet! My daughter still is stubborn about using the potty & we started training at 3 as well. Here's what we did to get her trained. I put her small potty in the room that we were in & she wore underwear all day. NO pants, just undies & a t-shirt while she trained. It seemed the more I reminded her, the more she resisted. SO... I made it FUN! I bought a bunch of small $Dollar Store toys and wrapped them in tissue paper. IF she used the potty, she got a toy. That was week 1. Only a few accidents. Week 2... I bought small animal cookies, each time she used the potty, she got a small cookie. 1 accident that week. Week 3... I bought fake gold coins, each time she used the potty, she got a coin to put in her piggy bank. When the coins were gone, she got an ice cream. It took about a month before she became pretty proficient with it. She does have set backs due to her stubborness at times, so we go back to the coins and piggy bank. It's ALOT cheaper then diapers! Also, night training didn't take place for her until she was closer to 3 1/2. I didn't push the night training until she stayed dry at night for more then a week. This is the ONLY thing that worked with my daughter, I hope you find something that helps you. Hang in there!!!

We are at the tail end of potty training, but from what I have read (multiple sources) there is an "early window" of potty training opportunity at 18m to 24m, but then after that, it's better to go with child-led potty training.

This article was what we used for potty training:
http://www.mckenzie-pediatrics.com/shop/images/ToiletTrai...
Using the info in the link, I took several days off work to do the initial "training" and despaired after 3+ days of no real improvement. Then on the 4th day, he seemed to get it (listening to his body so he could get to the toilet in time). And we went no dipes at all. He still had semi-regular accidents, and we didn't venture far from home for about 3 weeks (he was attached to his little potty for a while).... However, all of that is with a 3y3m old not-very-willful boy.... so you might just need to put it on hold and wait till later if she's older than 2 but not yet 3.

You took the words out of my mouth, you may have waited too long. My guy is of the same temperament, very bright, very verbal, logical, strong-willed, feisty and wants to call the shots ; )

I asked his pediatrician at 18 months about potty training and she pooh-poohed it, said I would be putting too much pressure on him to set out a potty (she's very laidback.) At 19 months I saw readiness signs but went with her advice. When I set out a potty at 22 months he was no longer interested. We stopped and started training twice before he complied, it took about 4.5 months to get him pee and poop trained. We used diapers the first couple of naps and nights, but he knew he could comfortably pee in them so held it in until he had one on, so I went to cloth training pants (rubber pants over them for sleeping) and underwear. He mastered peeing in no time, even got himself up at night on his own to use the potty from the beginning so he stays dry at night. I expected a regression last month when my Dad passed, his Tata, but he never did. He'll be 3 in early April.

After training him I read that parents need to gauge their toddlers "readiness" and go with it, regardless of the child's age or what relatives and friends advise or do, there isn't one right age or way to train and readiness can be taught. I also read that if we miss the "window of opportunity" it will take longer, and it did for us.

My advice is to keep it up, go with cloth trainers, panties once she's telling you she needs to go or is going on her own so she can feel the wet or mess. Ditch diapers and pull-ups (which are pull-on diapers) and expect her to comply. My guy tried to convince me he should just wear a diaper, too, and who can argue the logic? They've been doing it for years ; ) You know she can do it because she is bright, that was what kept me from giving in. You might want to put her in a bed, toddler or twin, so she can go if she needs to at nap or bedtime, too.

Hang in there, be consistent, and she'll more than likely "get it" soon.

you need to make it a non negotiable. Say, "After Easter, when you get your Easter basket of goodies, we will not have diapers anymore. You won't have a diaper except for nap and bedtime. You will HAVE to use the potty." Then follow through. That morning, do Easter, then take off her overnight diaper and sing a little song (I sang happy birthday tune with no more diapers as the words) and be DONE.

You will have a little bit of accidents (maybe) but do NOT go back. Trust me, done this not only with both my girls, but with about 40 daycare kids as well. It works.