Potty Training Setbacks in Preschool-aged Boy

My son is now almost 4 and I lived this nightmare of back and forth with the potty training. Don't give up. I did that once thinking maybe he wasn't ready and ended up starting all over again. What I did was set a schedule. Like after every meal I would take him to the bathroom. and anytime about 20 minutes after having something to drink I would take him to the bathroom. I think it was just laziness. He would be playing and just go in his pants. When I asked why he didn't go in the potty he would just say I forgot or I am busy.
Good Luck and just keep at it.

We have a 3 and 1/2 year old girl who has a similar problem. She often will have a small amount of pee in her underwear at the end of the day, or several times a day. She uses the potty, and knows when she has to go, but is having too much fun to stop and go. It has become a power struggle, which I hate. If you get any good advice, I'd love it. I know she won't go to kindergarten like this, but...
D.
mom to two girls, 3 and 1/2 and 2yrs old

Hi, I'm sorry for your frustration -- AAAAGGGHHH! Take him out for a special "new start" underwear purchase and take pictures of him at the register and then take him out for a special treat (we brought our daughter to Friendly's for an ice cream) And then when accidents happen, with a smile in your voice say (even if it KILLS you) accidents happen, no big deal, we just clean it up! and the other thing I did was I told her I loved to hear the plop of when the poop hit the toilet water. And when I would laugh my head off she wanted to do it more and more. Hope any of this helps and don't worry, he will stop eventually. Good luck.

My son was almost trained 3 times before finally making it. One set back was the arrival of a sister at 2 1/2, and a move around 3 years of age across country. Don't give up. The one motivator was when we told him he was a big boy and could go see some movie (I can't remember what). He really started making an effort. Also, preschool or daycare is great for the role modeling of slightly older children. Your son will want to be a big boy. I always felt like it was a way of making sure that he was still needy/got attention after my daughter was born. - A., 37 mom of 1 1/2 and 4 year old.

Hi D., I can sure understand what you are going through. I have a 3 1/2 yr old boy only child) who also has just stopped going. Although he was never fully trained I am at a lost aswell. He rather wear a pull up all the time. When I do place big boys underpants on him he will continue to have accidents and it doesn't botter him in the lease. I have started to give time outs because now when I ask him to go he screams and charges to hit. After placing him in a time out he was so angery he has already gone. I wish I had so advise. I to am searching.

He might be feeling slightly jealous of the attention his baby sister gets. The transition from baby to big boy is kind of scary Change is difficult. He just had change come into his life with her birth, and now he's trying to change. Be patient, stick with it, try to really make him feel special with some one-on-one and try to make him feel like he is your big-boy helper. He definiely sounds like he knows what to do. Best of luck.

I haven't had to deal with this yet (my son will be 2 next week) but since your son is old enough to understand everything that is going on how about telling him that you are stopping potty training for a while (back to diapers) but if he needs/wants to use the potty he can tell you. Tell him when he starts having dry/clean diapers then he can start potty training in big boy pants again. Hopefully you won't get frustrated since you won't have to deal with the mess and it'll be less pressure on him but give more power to him.

Good luck and let me know how it goes. I'll be starting that same adventure soon ;)

Potty training can be such a trying time for you and your child. Rember that it is a fight over control. He is getting your attention (whether good or bad) when he wets. Since you are clearly frustrated, I would take a break for 1-week. Rewards are great but you have to make sure they are extremely motivating. My son was trained in 3-days at 2 1/2 years and my daughter turned 2 in December and she is trained. I cleared my calendar for 3 full days and was prepared for a crazy 3-days at home. If I did take a trip it was not more the 1/2 hour long. I used M&M's. I bought 1 med. bag. Each time my child did #1 he/she got 1 M&M when they did #2 they each got 2 M&M's until the bag was gone. When the bag was empty, I no longer had to reward or take extra clothes with me where ever I went (about 3-weeks after I began). On the first day, I took my child to the bathroom to sit on the potty every 30 minutes when my child was awake. I had them sit there for no longer than 5 minutes. I used books to keep them interested in staying there. When there were accidents (and there were lots the first day!!!!), we walked up the stairs to child's room; picked out clothes and went to the bathroom to change. I said the same thing every time in the same tone, "you're wet, you need to get changed lets go to your room." I used no emotion at all in my tone. And after each accident, my child would sit on the potty for no more than 5-minutes reading books.

The second day was still a bit difficult with some accidents, not as many as the first, but way more than I would have expected (Don't give up!!!). On the second day the only change was we went to the potty every 45 minutes.

The third day happened and what a difference. One accident the entire day and I only took my child to the bathroom every couple of hours. After that, there were occasionally accidents approximately once a week for about a month when my child was really interested in something and did not want to go to the bathroom. After that, completely trained I have not had an accident with my 2-year old since the first week in February. I do put pull-ups on her at night and sometimes she is waking up dry.

Good luck and try not to let your son see how emotional you are over this. You will get through it and so will he. Most children do not go to elementary school wearing diapers!!!!

I understand your frustration! My son rarely has accidents when naked but always does when clothed. My Pedi. said that Boys are usually closer to age 4. I've chosen not to stress and he'll eventually get it.

Just keep plugging away. Good Luck.

D., If you started only a few weeks ago, it's still early days - be patient, and don't give up! I'd try keeping it light - just provide a heap of extra clothes and have him sit on a towel in his big boy underwear or maybe both underwear and pants to protect your furniture, carpet, etc. - which for me was the biggest source of frustration with the accidents. It might just be forgetting, and he'll stop forgetting as he gets used to the yucky sensation of being wet in clothes, just don't get upset or frustrated with him. Don't make it a power struggle, don't force him to sit on the potty until he pees - you can suggest/remind, but don't make a big deal out of that either, or you will turn it into a fight for control. For BMs, most kids are more aware of those, but it can be a harder thing to get over - my son responded great to a little package of "potty presents," which were party pack packages of PlayDoh -- I told him in a very positive, excited way that he could earn one when he pooped on the potty, and then put them away. We looked at them from time to time, but he couldn't have one until he went -- and a few days later he proudly announced (and showed me) his success, and I applauded and gave him one -- we only needed to do this for about 2 weeks, and then it just became routine.

Good luck! --S. H.

Hi D.,
I went through the same thing.I put loose fitting shorts or boxers( if you can find them)on in the house. This help too keep my son aware of his urges and slowly we could add more clothing with less accidents. remember it will only happen when your son is truly ready. Good luck!

I have trained a boy, and soon be training a little girl.

First off, at 3 1/2 yrs old, I'd say there is no turning back now. You said you started training him the begining of March, that is only a couple weeks. I found with my son it took months and months, he was fully trained by about 3 1/2.

I personally dont agree with the run around naked idea. I say go all underwear full time. Let him feel the discomfort of the wetness. You must be consistant and patient. He wont get trained over night. Yes, you both will have some messes to clean up and it becomes a pain, but you have to stick with it.

I too used sticker charts and small rewards. It worked well. Does he feel the discomfort in the wet underpants and pants? Have him change himself so he realizes what he has done and perhaps he'll begin to understand.

I know it is hard, these are just some of my points of view.
Best of Luck

Hi D.--
My son did not completely train until he was 1 month before his 4th birthday; he wore pull ups until then. At least they kept his clothes dry (less laundry for you!)
When your son says he wants to wear underwear, tell him he needs to keep his pull-ups dry for (detemined amount of time; IE, a week) and then he can have his "big boy" underwear again.
Also, pre-school programs (if you are planning on sending him) don't allow pull-ups, so if he's looking forward to preschool (or any pre-school 'group' if you home school), tell him he won't be allowed to go and participate until he can stay dry in his underwear.
Best wishes!! Lisa

Hi D.! I am having the exact same problem with my son. He turned 3 in December. He has had no problem since last summer using the potty when he is left naked. He is not so eager though about wearing underwear. Everytime we have put him in underwear he has had accidents. I am not sure what the solution is. I haven't tried him in just underwear for a few days straight, so I think that will be my next step. I also keep talking about how he has to be trained in order to use the pool this summer and to be able to start school. Maybe that will be a little motivation:) Let's hope it doesn't last much longer!

Hello my son is just 3 1/2 and he made the dicision on his own. I also work part time and have time off around the school schedule. So I started to train him over Feb vacation and set the timer, used stickers and it very frustration because he too woudl have accidents and not go when the time r went off. so I stopped for awhile and it has been 3 week now and he in I would same pretty much trained. He woke up one morning and told me he was ready for big boy pants and did not want diapers anymore. So the training started that day, we went out to buy the underwear and I had some already. He would get up in the am and go all on his own and same before he went to bed. We on occation have an accident but it usually happens when we are outside playing. He now does not waer diapers to bed and he has woken up dry ever since. I never used pullups I went straight to the padded training pants and Plastic covers which My daughter also used. I think using the pullup they think and feel like they are diapers. My son did and still does not like to be went in his unerwear. Hope this helps but just stick with it and give it time.

Kids are so different and yes, PT can become a power struggle. With my daughter, all it took was a reward system to get her started at 2.5 and she was on her way. We had a couple of set backs, but they were breif and relatively minor.

My son, on the other hand, is much less interested in the whole process and we have had several false starts already. Like you, we've had several sessions where he'd "try" for 20 minutes only to have an accident 5 minutes after leaving the bathroom. *sigh* I don't think that it's deliberate but he just can't be bothered to pay attention.

As much as he'd like to wear his big boy underwear, I've made it a priveledge to be earned and he understands that. If he uses the potty every time for a whole day then the next day he can wear underwear. More than one accident in a day and it's back to the pull-ups.

I try to stay unemotional about accidents and even about the days he has more wet pull-ups than dry ones. Successes are celebrated, of course, and ever-so-slowly we're making progress. It's taken some very different incentives, though! We celebrate "dry flags" on the pull-ups at regular checks and use it as an opportunity to "try" on the potty. We've tried sitting on the potty and standing up, aiming for cheerios in the bowl, and making "letters" in the little potty. We've called the grandparents on the phone to celebrate a poop in the potty, although 90% of the time he'll still hide somewhere quiet and poop in his pull-up.

Kids are just ready at different ages and they require different motivation. Many moms have told me that their boys took longer to PT than their girls. Maybe it's a kind of emotional maturity. Maybe it's a higher threshhold for messiness or discomfort. Maybe it's just that they can't be bothered to interrupt their play! Whatever the reason, some kids require more time and patience.

If I were you I would explain that you're going back to pull ups until you have a "dry day". He may protest, but that's OK. You can explain that he's still potty training, but that he needs to be able to go in the potty every time for one whole day before he wears the "big boys" again. Make this very matter-of-fact, not as a punnishment but just the way it is and that it's ok. It can be the first thing he works towards.

Then I would go back to trying at regular times during the day. Try not to get upset if he's wet in order to avoid this being about power and control.

He will make it! You're doing all the right things and kids are just ready in their own time. It may take him a while longer but he *will* get the hang of it! Good luck!

here's my advice:

***get rid of the pull ups.***

They only confuse potty training children and seem to cause way more problems than they are worth. It's a lot of work to potty train. People always act like being in diapers is so gross, but potty training is much harder than changing a diaper:)

So say goodbye to the diapers (a pull up is a diaper) and treat him like he is potty trained. Expect accidents. No matter how great my children were at potty training, there were ALWAYS accidents. Try to not show any anger when the accidents occur.

I used the "potty training in a day" method and it worked all three times. But you have to expect accidents. And with all three of my kids a couple weeks afterwords, they got lazy and started having more "accidents" and I had to find ways to motivate them again.

Good luck!!!

i would sugjest not making it a big deal if he does not go into the potty and making a big deal when he does ..genuinly let him know you are happy for him!

You're the Mom and if you feel that this has become a no-win scenario, take the pressure off of you both. You have a lot of dynamics going on in the house right now.... You're probably feeling tired. There's a younger sibling getting a lot of attention (and no doubt in diapers). At 3 1/2, your child has some reasoning and you should be able to talk/bribe/motivate him to a certain extent. Be very matter of fact for a few days and try not to lose your cool. You have to wear diapers until you use the potty - sorry. If he uses the potty, praise him, reward him, whatever. In a few days if he has not asked to use the potty, start the conversation up again.... briefly... I used M+M's for rewards (not the best choice but they worked for my last stubborn child) and when they finally went an entire day, a larger treat. After a week, they got an even bigger treat (toy at the store or whatever). I know it's hard, but don't lose your cool. He WILL learn - I promise!

Hi D.,
I know just what you are going through! My daughter (who is now 9) was not fully potty trained until she was 3 1/2. It was a power struggle at times, and to make it worse, everyone I talked to (esp. older relatives) would tell me that their children were trained at 2. I felt like a complete failure! But I found out that as soon as I eased up on reprimanding her for accidents, talking about the potty and stopped offering incentives, she started doing it on her own. I was offering her MMs for "performance", and it got to the point where she would tell me "I don't want any MMs today." Ugh! then she would go off in a corner and pee her pants! She desparately wanted to wear big girl undies, so I thought a good incentive was to let her wear them and hope she didn't soil them. Ha! She just got what she wanted and continued to be lazy about getting to the potty. So then I bought a pack of really cute undies and just told her she could wear them when she used the potty all the time. I was just firm and matter of fact about it. If I caught her going in her pants, I would just calmly get her to the potty without being angry or making comments about it. Eventually, she gave up the struggle and realized she wanted to be a big girl. I didn't pick on her for not using the potty, but made a big hoo-ha when she did. Then she wanted to use the potty just to see mom act goofy.

She did have some set backs... a couple of pants wettings when she went off to kindergarten, and she wet the bed up until she was about 6. We used a bed wetting alarm for that issue which worked like a charm! The pediatrician said that she was either sleeping too sound to get the message from her bladder to her brain, or she was just not physically developed enough to process the message.

Yes we had struggles with initial potty training, but I wondered also if it wasn't complicated by some develpmental issue. Once her body caught up, we didn't have a problem. And the bed wetting alarm helped train her brain to get the right signals. So just be patient and consistent. Chances are he is just as frustrated as you are, but he doesn't know how to deal with it.

Hang in there! It will get better!

My son who is 4 1/2 was having the same problem only during the night time. We put him back in the pullups for a week and tried again. It may have been a fluke but he has not had an accident since. We just told him we needed to take a break and that in one week we would start again and then we counted it down on the calander.

I am going through this except its my 2 1/2 year old daughter. She can "pee on demand" and was potty trained(pants and all)for about a month. This past month, she has no motivation to use the potty except for when I put her on it. She knows what muscles to use for both pee and BM. I dont know what happened but I wish she would just tell me when she has to go. She is really good about it if I let her run around in her panties. If she is in pants, she just pees herself. I dont really know what to do.
If you think its because of the underwear and pants making him too comfortable(as apposed to being naked) try just underwear for now. Once he gets used to keeping his underwear dry, you can move on to pants. That is what I am doing and am making some progress.
Of course, it could just be the adjustment with the new baby or even him being too focused on other things that he is learning. I am sure he will adjust and be fine. My pediatrician told me that its not a problem until age 4. Even then, its normal to not be full trained. As long as they are in the process(and show signs that they are on their way)your doctor wont worry. I had concerns with my now 6 year old when she was 4. She was fully trained during the day but would pee her bed every night. Even cutting off drinks and making her go before bed didnt help. THe pedi says night time wetting is normal until age 6! I was so hopeless. Then the day before her 5th birthday, she stopped peeing the bed. It was nothing I did or taught her. She just stopped. I guess that was because she was finally ready. Thats how most kids do it. THey do it when they are ready without any help from anyone. Like magic, they just GET it. It was a struggle with a 4 1/2 year old in diapers at night(and it looked quite silly!) but we got through it. You will too!
So your son is completely normal. I wouldnt worry too much about it. He sounds like he is on his way and will eventually get the hang of it. Just let him adjust to his new sister and let him try just underwear for now.