A man we are friendly with burst into our house 2 weeks ago with his 2 year-old daughter and my son's friend. I'm not sure if my husband invited him in or he just walked in, honestly. A few minutes later, his wife walks in and starts walking around the house following her daughter. We were in the middle of cooking dinner. The house was a mess, I thought. I have anxiety about people just walking in without being invited. Was in a post from a while back.
We talked and were polite, but kept working on dinner. Somebody came up with the idea that we should get together (at our house, I think) and have a potluck dinner in the future. It could have been my idea but I really wasn't serious about it happening anytime soon. I was just being polite and if I said it, I shouldn't have said it if I didn't mean it. I was just feeling awkward that we were about to eat dinner and they were hanging around.
Anyway, the husband was really excited about the idea. They got the hint that we were about to eat, and left. Wife's parents live across the street and they were visiting them.
So today, I was relaxing all day and enjoying it. Their kids showed up at our door. I told my kids to play with them outside. They had been hanging in mostly, so I encouraged the run around and play time. Parents show up out front. The husband and my husband suddenly want me to commit on having the potluck dinner either tomorrow night or Saturday. I am still tired from Christmas.
The thing is, we don't enjoy their company that much. We don't have a lot in common. My husband complains about them often, saying that they are irresponsible, want to party and drink until all hours, do not have good parenting skills, etc. So as a result, I thought he did not like them and was confused when he was welcoming the idea of them coming over.
When I was pressed to set a date for this occasion, I acted vague and said we'd discuss it and get back to them. I think I honestly thought my lack of commitment would make it go away.
My husband and I argued about it for a long time after that. He said I could have said no. I don't know how I could have done that without looking bad. He said I am not social and that hanging out with them is better than hanging out with nobody. I tend to disagree. Why hang out with people you don't respect? Why hang out with people when you don't really enjoy their company enough to have them over? Not saying we dislike them but we are not really friends either, just friendly. I mentioned them before in a previous post about my son going to their house to sleep over and how it seemed like a dangerous environment.
Can I possibly get out of this or am I stuck? Should we not get back to them and they'll get the hint? Make up an excuse? Postpone it a few more weeks since I'm tired from the holidays? Suggest going out to dinner so I get a break and we can end it soon after eating?
Thank you! I was just exhausted after all the last minute Christmas shopping and hosting the in-laws. They made it easy because they cooked the food, but cleaning and getting ready took a lot out of me. For two days, I just wanted to lay down and be quiet.
I think the couple followed my husband in from the garage. They think they are good friends with us, but we have not shown any interest in them to make them think this. We do like them and think they are nice, just don't have the same values.
Hubby and I talked calmly after fight and he came to understand my side. He usually does. We decided to do the potluck on New Year's Eve with them and their family outside in front of a fire pit. That way, I don't have to go on major cleaning spree and we can leave when we want to leave.
My husband always wants to hang out with the same people all the time. . I want to hang out with a different crowd. There's a community party going on after 9, so that is where we can socialize with others once the dinner is done.
I think if you son is friends and hangs out, especially for sleepovers, you should invest some time getting to know them, even if you don't want to. Do however set a date that is after the holidays for the very reason you gave us. You need a break after Christmas.
Okay - here are my thoughts. First of all, stop being nice about people walking into your house. You said something about getting together later because you were trying to get them to leave. ANYONE who would do what this guy did is going to jump at the chance to come over again. Use your head next time and don't just talk because there's dead air. In fact, standing there staring at them and saying NOTHING could have been very effective.
Your husband says they drink too much. When they call again to try to fix the date, tell them that you can make time for 7-9:00 on "x" night, but they need to understand that you don't want any alcohol, and that's a deal breaker. Let there be an uncomfortable silence. Offer NO explanations. If they ask why, just say because that's how you feel. I promise you that either they will come and leave at 8:30 (make them help you clean up) or they will call later and invent an excuse that they can't come over.
I do want to add that if your husband is so desperate to have people over that he resorts to this, then you two have a problem. Figure this out with him. Find people to invite over - people who appeal to both of you. It's important for your husband to have some friends, even if you aren't thrilled about the prospect.
You really need to be more careful about how you talk to people. Don't say things that you don't mean.
This man is lucky he did not walk into our house, He could have been shot..
Or at least hit with a bat.
No one should be just walking into your home without knocking..
Lock it from now on. And for goodness sakes learn to say," no",
No, I am not going to host a pot luck.. or whatever you do not want to do.
Polite is for polite society.. these people are not polite and not in your society..
Your husband is a fool for wanting to keep be polite, he is just encouraging these people.
I would just say no, it's too soon after the holidays. Then I would talk to your husband and say you don't really like them and don't want them in your house. You can be friendly if you see them outside walking by, but you really don't want them over.
Then I would address the issue of your husband thinking you are not social. Maybe make an attempt to have people over that you already like and would like to get to know better. My husband and I have done that recently.
And third, freaking lock the door...I would freak out if someone just walked in my house without either myself or husband letting them in. Good luck.
This goes beyond the neighbors to be honest.
IF hubby and you are arguing about this then that's where it needs to be addressed. He wants to do it and you don't. That's the whole thing. He's not going to be happy if you guys don't do it.
So pin him down. Ask him to honestly tell you what his expectations are. Tell him you are confused.
He may just want to occasionally want to interact socially with this couple to keep the peace in the neighborhood, he may to see if getting to know them better will help with the stressful feelings, maybe he sort of likes that the guy doesn't live in a rule zone and can do more stuff.
No one can know what your hubby was thinking when this all came about but him.
Some people just don't get 'subtle'.
They won't pick up on hints.
You can not be passive aggressive with them.
If you do not want a pot luck then say plainly and loudly "I am not doing any pot luck - not hosting it - not going to one either. Period.".
Who CARES if you look bad?
If you are worried about impressing an idiot, who is really being idiotic here?
Get over it and just say 'No!' in no uncertain terms!
People walking into your house is a big problem - seriously - doing that in our home WOULD get someone shot.
You need some firm boundaries - boundaries are a good thing - and do not feel guilty or apologetic about it.
Fun movie series to watch - Back to the Future (all of them).
Throughout the films Marty allows himself to be goaded into foolish confrontations when ever he's called 'chicken'.
Finally in the last film he realizes he shouldn't care what an idiot thinks.
Not rising to a stupid challenge saves his life.
Have yourself a family movie marathon and watch them all with plenty of popcorn!
Just say No! to the pot luck and make your own plans to do what ever relaxes you!
If Hubby wants to entertain, he's free to do so.
You tell him you're taking that day and the next few off in a motel with room service while he cooks, cleans, entertains, cleans up afterward and you'll both have had a great time!
Please go back and re-read Osohapi's great reply to you and then do just what is recommended there. It's right on the mark.
You and your husband seem to have communication issues if you cannot calmly discuss this rather silly situation together -- honestly you and he should be able to laugh together about these intrusive and sadly clueless folks but instead he's turning it on you and dragging in his larger argument that you're not social enough. That's a red flag -- are there other complaints he has about you that stay buried until things blow up as they did this time?
You do not have to socialize with people you don't want to cultivate as friends, just to BE more social. He needs to get that. You, too, need to get that you don't have to hem and haw and be vague if you don't want to do something. You and he really do need to talk calmly, and if he cannot BE calm and goes off again on making this all your fault (when the fault really is with the pushy sorta-neighbors), you and he need to talk about much more than one dumb potluck -- he's got resentments you need to find out about he needs to ramp back making this situation personal and all about YOUR faults in his mind.
As for these "guests," tell them you're not up for a potluck. If you just have to do something with them, suggest you all go out to dinner somewhere. Then you don't have them IN your house.
I would think that anyone who just walks in uninvited could possibly end up never taking a hint and would think they're your new BFFs if you do this potluck. Or they'll insist on reciprocating with a potluck at their house, wanting play dates for your kids (which you already know you don't really want) and more. Nip it in the bud unless you really want to get to know them. And meanwhile, YES, as Osohapi said, do start cultivating some real friends and reaching out to people you already know and actually might want to spend time with....Make that effort and ensure that hubby sees you're doing it, and don't put up with him bad-mouthing you as "not social."
I'm so sorry you are coming down with a virus! You feel sick to your stomach and feverish. It's just not going to work.
Meanwhile, maybe your H can find his..guts to say, No, so he doesn't have a tiny little woman be the bad guy.
Jerk.
You either need to have the pot luck and keep an open mind and try to get to know them better (who knows, you may have more in common then you think), or you have to stop worrying about "looking bad" and be up front and honest with them, and then lose their kids as playmates for your kids and make some new enemies. You can not have it both ways, and just ignoring them and not being honest will not make the mess go away, it will just make you look even worse. Either be up front and honest with them that you do not want to spend time with them, or host the pot luck with an open mind and open heart. The choice is yours.
Your husband desires a social life. Any relationship can get boring with just the nuclear group. Schedule it. Get it over with. Have a set time to end.
Ditto Osohapi, word for word!!!
Tell them you don't feel up to hosting any more parties after Xmas or say "why don't we have it at your house?"
OK, I have a tendency to be somewhat anti-social. I HATE the idea of having a gathering at my house. We have the biggest house so we "get" to host Christmas and Thanksgiving and Easter and anything else at our house. I understand where you are coming from. I think a good compromise would be to suggest getting together for dinner at a restaurant so that no one had to "host" the party.
M
i'd be pretty upset at my dh under these circumstances!
it WILL be awkward, but i think you'd be better off to just cut it off here and now. keep a pleasant smile plastered on your face, and don't allow yourself to spiral down into a ton of excuses. 'sorry, i'm just not up for it right now. i need a little time to recharge after the holidays. i hope you enjoy your visit with margery's parents!'
your husband is, as you know, completely incorrect about 'hanging out with them is better than hanging out with nobody.' even hanging out with awesome people is depleting for some of us. there's no way i'm going to expend precious energy on people i don't like. he's being very inconsiderate of his wife's basic personality and needs.
i fear, though, that if you just avoid and kick the can down the road, this issue won't go away. get your husband on board first (and his attitude would trouble me more than anything else) and then courteously shut this down.
or tell your thick dh to go over to their place for a potluck and leave you alone for a nice evening with a good book.
khairete
S.
Sounds like husb could be a pushover.
Just tell them you're not ready to host or get together right after the holidays & YOU'LL let them know when you're ready to get together.
Updated
Sounds like husb could be a pushover.
Just tell them you're not ready to host or get together right after the holidays & YOU'LL let them know when you're ready to get together.
