Does This Take Nerve or What?

Why wouldn't you feed them?
I t is sort of automatic reflex for me - people stop by - I offer food, drinks, the whole shebang. If the kids involved, I set up a separate kiddy table. I do not see the problem here at all.

Make a big pot of soup or chili, have a large loaf of bread with butter and you'll be the super star for feeding everybody.

This doesn't seem that shocking to me. That might just be her way of asking if there will be a meal or if they should plan to eat out. I wouldn't read too much into this. Just enjoy their company.

I disagree.
She's focusing on seeing family and visiting.
She's trying NOT to invite herself to dinner wherever she goes. (Hence the "eat out" phrase!)
So, I'd say she's the O. trying to be polite.
In return, the polite thing to do would be for SOMEONE to say...."I hope you can be here at 4, because that's when we're having dinner....."

I see you have called your sister's child and grandchildren, 'company'?? If I am reading that correctly? I am guessing you guys are NOT that close...because to me, having family over and not feeding them would be strange...so is wondering about their statement of wanting/needing to eat while they are visiting.

In short, my answer is NO that does NOT 'take nerve'...but I am close to my sister and her FAMILY!

Why not look at this as a question which is an opening to make meal plans. She doesn't know if one of you is planning to provide food and is suggesting that if you aren't you can go out to eat.

I suggest you're over reacting, Hurt feelings and anger are common feelings going around during the holidays. Everyone would be happier if we'd assume the best of intentions during this time heavy with emotion.

Later: In our family, everybody has a standing invitation to visit any of us. I really don't understand all this stuff that creates distance in families. All it takes is one loving and kind person to start the loving kindness rolling.

If I had family coming on town for Christmas, I would be planning a Christmas dinner and include them! How lucky to have your family visit for the holidays!

I'm kinda confused. Is the visiting sis on everyone's poop list? Sounds like either no one wants her to visit ever as they view her as an outsider (I say this because you refer to her family as "company" instead of "our/my nieces and nephews). Don't you all get together as a family for the holiday? Or do you all celebrate at your own homes and opt not to see each other at all? Is there some kind of history you're not sharing?

Depending on your answer to those questions, I would say she is NOT being nervy. It sounds to me like your visiting sister is looking for a traditional family gathering with everyone coming together with welcoming open arms, no expectations other than to be together under one roof.

Short of her stealing your husband and burning your home down in the past, I think being annoyed with her hints is unfair. She clearly senses a lack of warmth and is questioning whether she is even welcome at all.

I say be the organizer of something involving all of the families on Christmas day if it is still possible. At the very least, it sounds like she hopes to spend time with you. Make it easy on her and welcome her with a meal and open arms. She just wants to see you.

Don't forget, no one knows how many years they have to live, or how many opportunities they will have to share with relatives. Siblings (especially sisters) are a blessing. I have none (sisters or brothers), but would sure have loved to have them. I especially think of this during the holidays.

Anybody travelling from a distance either gets fed by family or eats out, unless she travels in a winnebago with a kitchen. I guess like the others I do not understand the "nerve" part. I would feel anyone, family or not, that showed up at my house, even if it was not meal time. We always ask if they would like something to drink or a snack or are they more hungry for something filling? We always have juices and milk and tea and coffee and even beers in the house, as well as pretzels and cheese and crackers or soups or sandwiches or pasta or order a pizza. And if the visits are planned like they sound they are, my husband makes a roast with potatoes and veggies for christmas dinner (yes, lucky me I married a man who loves to cook) or turkey for Thanksgiving, or ham for easter, or burgers in the summer. I do not understand what you are upset about.

It sounds to me like your sister was just being honest and saying exactly what she was thinking. I could see how that comment could be taken the wrong way but in this case I really think you're looking too far into it - although I don't know your sister so that could be part of your questioning her motive. Now if she were to have said that to one of the hosts (your daughter or sister) then that would have been rude!

I wonder if she simply meant, if they don't eat at someone's house, they will go out to eat.. nothing more, nothing less.. now unless, your sister has a proven track record of being manipulative.. I wouldn't read too much into her statement..

It's Christmas. It's family. Is it really that big of a deal?

I actually don't see a problem with that statement. Here she is, NOT assuming she will be fed. What is wrong with that? She's letting you know that she'll go out to eat if that is the case. It isn't like she said she is expecting anyone to pay for her meal.

HONESTLY, though- If I had company coming, I would most certainly feed them, without question. She SHOULD be fed. BUT, if she isn't it is perfectly natural for her to want to go out. It isn't her house, what else COULD she do?

I also agree with Stitch in the fact that I don't grasp your whole situation. Some details were left out.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

Maybe she was just thinking out loud and was comfortable enough with you to do that. I can tell you that there could very easily be a war going on in some families I know if every little comment were picked apart and given the worst possible meaning. Even when a comment is almost unquestionably rude, it's best to give the person the benefit of the doubt. Keeping peace in the family is well worth overlooking a few comments that might be a little too nervy. If you continue to treat your sister with love and understanding, all will be well in the end.

You are too put off by this. I'm sure your sister WAS just hinting about a "meal plan". After all, she does not have a kitchen where she will be. Do you guys regularly feed her, when she comes to visit? My hunch is maybe not, and she was just hinting about it. Maybe I am wrong. But whatever the case, if she was hinting, who cares? I'm sure there are other bigger things to worry about in the world. I'd bet lots of people reading this wish their sister was coming for a visit.

Not enough information for me to get this I think. With what you've written I could take it as she's coming from a distance, wants to make sure to see everyone in a limited amount of time. Could she have mentioned this to you thinking she doesn't want to inconvenience anyone with preparing food for them, so they will go out to eat? We've had cousins of cousins come at the spur of the moment and were more than happy to feed them and include them. They were planning on going out to eat. I still think I must be missing something......

I think it was just an innocent comment and you are reading too much into it.

feed them. obviously she is planning on spending time visiting family, so go ahead feed them or tell your sister or your daughter to have them over a meal. it's the holidays.

The "or what?" is to go read Markasa's thoughtful question - I'd copy and paste her link, but my iPad won't do that.

If your family members have said "come" to your sister, it's because they are kind enough to include family. It is up to them to feed or not feed their guests. Whether you think it takes nerve to invite themselves or not has nothing to do with the acceptance of an invitation. Let the family members who want to actually see each other work the details out themselves. You don't need to get in the middle of it or bad-mouth your sister for wanting to be with them.

After a party for my kids friends and their parents last night, complete with tons of dirty dishes only finished this morning, I'm in the middle of what will ultimately be 26 hours of driving time in order to be with family for the holidays. I sure hope that whoever's house I end up at during holidays won't have family telling them what nerve I have to be showing up around mealtime. Christmas is a time to open hearts and hearths to family and friends. I do it for family and friends, and they do it for us. That's the way it should be.

There are people who have NO ONE at the holidays. Be glad that you aren't in their shoes.

Dawn

I don't get it? Wouldn't it be rude not to feed them? This is with close Kin and during the holidays. I hope she asked your daughter and your other sister if there was anything she could bring, that's what I would do.

I am not seeing the problem here. I think you have left out some details or we are not understanding the problem.

Your sister has no other way of feeding her family besides eating out or eating at family's homes. She is unsure of what to expect at these visits and it is legitimate to wonder if you should count on food or plan to go somewhere.

I am reading this as you are sisters and you are going to your mutual sister's home and your daughter's home. She should be able to call your sister and your daughter about food plans. This is not a hard subject to bring up. "Hey sis or niece thanks for letting us visit..we are dropping in around mealtime...How about if I bring something?" If you are not showing up around a mealtime then don't plan on food at all.

I don't see what the big deal is here. It is not your responsibility to give the heads up about them wanting to be fed. Your sister set up the visits. When she made the food comment to you then you could have nicely asked her, "Well, did you ask if we are planning to eat together because we can potluck."

I think that many times we get our feathers ruffled because we don't have a full conversation and talk out our dilemmas or situations. Then we get miffed and offended over such silly things that could have been avoided by simply asking a question or making a statement.

When we know family is coming in we go all out and have a meal,snacks,drinks. We usually ask, "Can you stay for lunch or dinner?" It is a courtesy of hosting. Or we will ask them to bring something. Usually the person visiting already offers to bring something..that is a courtesy too! I always ask, "What can I bring to help you with lunch..or dinner?"

Tell your sister to call your daughter and your mutual sister and breach the food subject. No harm in that.

Good luck and best wishes at having a fun visit with family!!

I too, think you are reading too much into this. How would you feel if your sister and her family didn't stop at all to visit? There is only so much time in the day...if she is planning on stopping during or around a meal time, simply share a meal together. It doesn't have to be anything expensive, but does need to be heartfelt. A pot of soup and deli meat on bread. Cupcakes too, if you are feeling generous.

Be thankful that your sister is bringing her family to see you...

You are the one I'm concerned with...trying to figure this out...the company is your niece and her kids. So that means they will be visiting their cousins and and aunts. If my nieces and her kids were coming, I'd expect to be feeding them.

I think some of you that think she's being rude need to read the word and what God says about hospitality.

Sounds more like a matter-of-fact statement...as in..."If we don't eat at point A or B, we'll go out to eat. That's our plan."

At first I misread, but now I think I understand that the relatives are visiting your sister at HER home, yet she wants someone else to feed them by taking them around. Weird, but okay.

Maybe she was just joking around? If she is visiting during a typical mealtime, then I would think that her hosts would serve a meal. I don't think that you should need to give a heads up, if they are having her over at lunchtime or dinnertime, then I would think that they are planning on serving lunch or dinner. If she's not coming at a mealtime, she should not be expecting to be fed. If she is going to visit grownups, then I don't think you need to get involved.

she has the nerve to invite herself over to their houses and tell them what times she'll be there, but she draws the line at asking if they are planning to eat at that time and/or if she can bring something...lol. oookay. i hope you just smiled and said, "guess so!" when she made the comment about a restaurant lol. is she normally so oblivious about social mores?

it almost sounds to me more like she was fishing for an invite from you for dinner! lol!

ahhh family. gotta love 'em. or at least...gotta deal with 'em...at holidays.

Apparently she never heard of potluck. It is not your position to send this information along. I am sorry, this is your sister, but this is rude.

To me, if you invite people over, and it is the holidays, you feed them. Even if it is just dessert or snacks etc.
I mean, if you have "guests" over, that is what you do. Whether or not you are related.

Or is your sister and daughter, non-cookers?
I mean, some people do not cook.
Maybe that is why she is "joking" about it.
IF she was joking, that is.

Regardless, I hope your sister and daughter.... are Hosts, that were asked to be, hosts. Since it was not their idea. But their homes/themselves, were put up for visitors.

She's fishing for an invite.
If you want to invite the clan over for a meal, then fine - do it.
If you don't want to you don't have to.
I have a sister I am not close to - 'manipulative' is her middle name.
I refuse to be guilt-ed or maneuvered into doing anything with regard to her.
Been there - done that - got lots of tee shirts - not doing it anymore.
She invited guests to her home.
Generally that means it's up to her to feed them (take them out and/or cook for them).
Visiting for my family means you chat for an hour or so, nibble a few cookies and make a graceful exit.
Being invited to a meal/feast is much more than a drop in visit.
You know your sister best, so you should know what will fall out if she lands a meal or not.
If it's a friendly relationship, then be friendly.
If not, then don't fall for it.

I think it's a bit presumptuous on their part to automatically expect free meals when visiting. While yes, it's an unwritten courtesy to feed your guests if u expect them to stay thru to dinner, IMO it's not a requirement if you hadn't planned dinner for your guests, just a courtesy to ask. Normally the polite thing to do is decline the dinner invite but then accept if the hosts insist. I think she was being a bit tacky and discourteous in her saying that but that's just me. I grew up in a home where courtesy and polite social graces were expected. The polite thing to do is visit, then leave before dinner and not expect an invite but if the host asks, decline but then accept if they insist if you really want to stay.

Are you in the same town as your daughter and sister? If so, it sounds to me as if she might have been looking for an invite to dinner at your house.

It's always possible she wants you to do the talking for her, but you have no obligation to do so. She really needs to do that herself. You could ask her what she meant, and suggest that she talk to the other two herself -- she could ask them, "Just so I know how to plan our day, will we be eating during my visit? Can I bring anything?"

She reminds me of the M. at our old school who asked me if I would be feeding the entire family during the birthday party and what exactly would be served. When I told her it was during the midday, in between meals, she flat out stated she would not be coming then. I was SHOCKED.

A year later she decided to bring all her kids and stay at a class pool party held right after school where her child, the only one invited, stood up and said "M., you said they would be feeding us dinner and all they have are crappy cookies and water."

I am soooo glad to be done with that woman. No, I would not run interferance or give a heads up. Her true colors will be shown soon enough.