Please Tell Me I'm Not Being Mean

Just tell her that you want to come later to spread out the help. Then go at a more convenient time for you and help her out then.

Thats a LOT to ask of you. Esp since you have a 2 yo. And honestly-chances are really good that she is dreading you coming. Only because having company at that time is not easy, esp a small child. The last think I would want would be people sleeping all over my floor when I just gave birth.

You're not being unreasonable. None of my sisters (3 of them) came to visit me after my babies were born. It wasn't practical for them, and they didn't even have kids! I still love them. No worries.

Your sister might just heave a great big sigh of relief if you tell her you're not coming.

I can't imagine having a houseful of relatives sleeping on my floors and couches when I bring a baby home -- and especially with a 2-year-old! Yikes! If she's a nice sister, she will understand. And you can make a trip to visit her when life won't be so stressful for either of you.

I hear ya! Honestly, when I gave birth (especially with the 2nd one) the LAST thing I would have wanted was company sleeping at my house. Your sister may be relieved. Either way, I don't blame you...for what it's worth. :)

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Maybe you can go at a different time to help spread out the help. Let your parents go first and then you go after that. If you approach it that way, you don't sound so selfish. Can you leave your toddler home with your husband or parents and go by yourself? If you went alone you could probably afford to fly. If you fly, you wouldn't have to be gone as long because you won't spend 20 hours driving. Plus, you won't have the stress of your own child plus sleeping on the floor.

Don't worry about the chores. You can grocery shop in an hour. And, do your laundry at your sister's house, so you only have hubby and child's laundry when you get home. You can have that done in 2 or 3 loads--no time at all!!

Karen A has a great idea. "I want to help you as much as possible so I am coming later to spread the help out." I love that. Who could gripe about that.

Your life is full and you simply can't do it right now.

I don't think you're being mean at all. Honestly if I were here, I wouldn't want you and your child to be in my house, sleeping on my floor just after I had a baby! Clearly she doesn't have the space to accommodate house guests, she already has her own older child to deal with, a newborn, and now a 2-year-old nephew underfoot? In addition to having you AND your parents around? For a WEEK? Sounds like a nightmare to all involved - really, I bet she'll be just fine if you stay home LOL.

Second babies are nothing like the first - unless she has a c-section, she'll be into the swing of things in a couple of days. If I were you, I would ask her what would be helpful to her, because clearly the scenario that you're imagining does no one any favors. Perhaps it would make sense that after your parents (and in her in-laws, if any of them are visiting) leave, you could go visit her for a long weekend, alone. If making the drive by yourself isn't feasible, perhaps you could give her a generous gift of sending a cleaning person to her house once or twice or giving her gift certificates for her favorite take-out places so that she doesn't have to worry about dinner a few nights when she first gets home. Then maybe you and your husband and child can visit at a later date (and stay in a hotel).

you are not at all,
Im very close to my sisters and and one lives 16 hours away and the other 12 hrs, we all have things to do and newborns are a blessing and a big event but we can't change our rutine just because.... we share picks , videos, calls and when is vacation time or a very good planned trip we are hapy to see each other...

Did your Sister... even 'say' that she wants... you all to be there, in her home, after she has her baby?

Some women, do not. They want no visitors, initially.
I was like that.
I told my family and friends.
I wanted, to be just me and my Husband and baby... at home. No visitors. Just to get re-grouped and rest and be myself, not having to entertain people or changing my 'schedule' around visitors.

If it really stresses you out, then speak to your sister. Calmly and lovingly.
You can ALWAYS visit her, at another time.

A 20+ hour car ride, plus stops along the way, is a long time and with a 2 year old. And that many people in the car.
But, your HUSBAND, if you do go... HAS TO STEP UP and help in the home when you are gone. Give him a "To Do" list... to get done, BEFORE you get home.
He is an adult.
He should be able to handle responsibility and do these things. Too.
To manage the home and errands, BEFORE you get back.
Tell him.
Plus you work too.
He has to, chip in help wise.

Can you fly over there instead of driving?

all the best,
Susan

I wouldn't want to visit that way, either. I know that you love your sister. Can't your parents go visit first? Then you and your son can visit at a later time. You might be able to find some cheap airline tickets to avoid the driving.

When I had both of my children, I really didn't want a lot of people coming to visit me, especially if that meant that they had to stay at my place. One set of guests at a time sounds lovely to me -- not as chaotic or noisy. I know that you want to be there for your sister, after she and her baby have a chance to settle in, but perhaps you can plan a shorter weekend trip and fly in to see her instead. I'm sure that she would understand.

No you got a lot on your plate and it is hard.

You're not being unreasonable. That's a long trip and you just can't put your life on hold to go. You have responsiblilities. Explain as lovingly as you can and don't feel guilty.

It has taken me years to realize that doing what is best for me and my family (and not putting our entire household on hold for my siblings) is NOT MEAN. Unless she prys and I mean really really prys, Id just say as much as you'd love to be there, you're afraid you and your son won't be able to make it. Don't say anything more than the trip will just be too tough right now. Drop the $50 for a pair of computer cameras & set you both up with Skype. That way you have put forth effort to see her and her baby, but within reasonable limits.
You never know, she may be a little releived not to have a house full of people to worry about when she is trying to settle in with HER new family. My sisters do this to themselves if they can't make it the 5 hour trip to me for every little milestone in my family, but honestly, I WISH they would just stay home sometimes!
She'll understand, and even if she's the type to get her feelings hurt, as soon as she has her baby and sees how hard it is juggling the every day of a family, she will understand then!

You're not being unreasonable at all!! A 20 hour car ride is insane with a 2 y/o! Next to impossible. If your sister expects you to do that, she has no idea how difficult that would be. You need to tell her you are not coming, and if she gets upset, switch it around on her and challenge her to make the 20 hour drive to see you when her baby is a little older and see if she will do it! I bet you anything she won't! You don't even have to go into all of the other details you wrote. The main issue (and only issue as far as I am concerned) is that it is a 20 hour drive with a toddler! None of what you wrote about work and grocery shopping matters. Just simply say that it will be too difficult to make a 20 hour drive with a toddler. Apologize to her and tell her how much you wish you could go. Question - did she make the 20 hour drive to meet your toddler when you gave birth 2 years ago???? I would be interested to know that! Don't even sweat this! It's just too much! Don't worry, you are totally off the hook!

Would she come be with you if she was facing those same challenges?
I can tell you right now I WOULDNT go, but that's just me.
You have a legit reason for not making the trip. Just let her know that you want pictures ASAP and make her feel how much you care over the phone and with a nice congratulations card.

As a previous poster said family is important. But your family is important too. I think you sister will be ok with you not visiting until later in the year. If she is going to have a new baby the last thing she needs to worry about is you and your son sleeping on her living room floor. an extra baby (and yes a 20 month old is a baby lol) in her house for her to keep clean, and grocery stuff etc. Let your mom and dad go this time and you make the trip later in the summer when your little one is older and so is hers. and no its not selfish to feel that a 20 hour car ride and sleeping on the floor for a week will be awful. they will be. no matter which way you look at it. your little one will be off his schedule so will be cranky and out of whack. you will be stressed about how he is acting the whole time your worrying about what you need to catch up on. stay home and go later.

I really really hate to say this but if something happened to your sister or her baby would you be okay saying you passed up an opportunity to see her or meet him because you would have fallen behind on chores, and the sleep pattern was thrown off? Sometimes memories are the only things we have left. Trips are always stressful and chaotic but I do not recall ever saying "man I really wish we didnt go" after we came home. Yes there has been a "Im glad to be home, I have a lot to do" but never regretted it. I think you should go. My sister came from wisc to colorado right after my first child was born and brought the stomach bug with her. Her daughter got it, then my sister then my mom. Still glad she came. I don't mean to be rude by any means but if someone didn't come to see me because of chores and work I would feel really bad. But like some others have said some people dont want a full household. Ask her what she wants and ask her to be honest with having everyone at her house and what would be better for her too.

YOU ARE SO MEAN ;0 JK no your not being mean

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all - and I am pregnant with my second baby as well. My sister-in-law lives approximately 16 hours away from us, and she won't be able to come down when I give birth in late June, and she's just in college. She doesn't have a job, a spouse, or any children of her own. My husband and I realize a trip of that length is not only unnecessary, but an unreasonable request on our part. She's planning on coming down for a scheduled visit (to see many family members and friends) a few months after our child is born. I would be honest with your sister, and see if there is any way to schedule a visit at a later date.

I can definately sympathize with not wanting to take the long drive with a toddler (we swore after last years' 13+ drive home from vacation we'd never drive again). Sounds like you are stuck this time; but maybe, next time, if you know far enough in advance, you can buy a plane ticket for you and your little one, and if your parents drive, they can just hop over to the airport and pick you up. That way, you can get through this trip knowing that next time you won't have as long of a trip next time. Having said all that - i'm not sure if an airport is even "local" to you or your sister. Good luck; My sister lived in FL for a school year, during my last pregnancy, and it was extremely hard for both of us to be so far apart.

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Not unreasonable. Your sister will have your parents there to help her. It's probably best because she doesn't have enough room at her house for all of you.

I do not think you are being mean at all. 20 hours is a LONG time! Especially with a 2 year old. I got stressed out just reading all those things you mentioned, haha! Your sister loves you and I'm sure she understands. Sometimes it's just not practical to do the things that we want to do for others. It's important to make sure you take care of yourself, your life and yoru family first.

Congratulations on being an aunt again!

Well no, I don't think you're being mean. You're certainly entitled to stay home and deal with your own 'stuff' - and I really am being sincere about this. There's no law that says you *must* drop everything to visit your sister when she has a baby!

That said, putting myself in your sister's shoes I'd be pretty crushed if *my* sister didn't want to come and see me. We're very close and she was there at the hospital within hours of all three of my deliveries.

I guess it all depends on how close you are and if you *want* to be there. Don't go if it's going to feel (and you might act) like it's a big, inconvenient obligation. Only go if you genuinely want to.

That's just way too much to deal with. If you could do a short flight, maybe; but all of those factors just spell exhaustion. Plus, for her, it'll be all about the baby and trying to entertain a bunch of people may be too much for her. If you want to go see her, but now is just not a good time, tell her that - and make a special trip so you can spoil her instead of feeling freaked out.

How would you feel if she told you this? If you would be fine and understanding, then be honest with her.. Otherwise consider leaving your son with your husband and go on your own with your parents.

Part of having children is that we cannot always do what we want to do, or we have to think outside of the box, or look at things with new eyes.. A clean house and laundry will always be there.

Maybe this is a time to think about a house keeper just for this one time?

Can you go by yourself and have DH watch DS? My brother got married on the west coast and it was an adults only small ceremony. I went by myself and DS and DH stayed home for a boy's weekend (DS was 3-1/2 at the time). Your son is too young to remember going to meet the new baby anyway so he won't miss out really.

You are not being mean. You're being realistic!

Just be honest with her. Also, with her just getting home, she may not want little kids to be around the baby right way. Just call her and let her know that making the trip with your toddler isn't going to work. If she has a computer at home, maybe you could buy her and you webcams and then you can meet the baby that way without the car trip!

My cousin announced that she was getting married in Nov. 06. I was pregnant, had just found out but hadn't told anyone yet. The family asked me if I was going to the wedding. I told them I can't. I'm pregnant!! The due date was 3wks before the wedding. Some family thought I should go and bring the baby so that everyone could meet her, but I just couldn't do it. My parents understood and so did my cousin, and while I would've LOVED to have been there, we were MUCH better off at home.

Hugs
M.

You're not being mean, you're being practical.
I'm just trying to decide which would be worse, spending 20 hours in the car with a 2-year old, or 20 hours in the car with my parents. A real toss-up. I think you made a wise choice. Congratulations on your new niece/nephew!

Listen, if your parents are going then you don't need to go too. I know it would be nice to see the new baby and all, but reality dictates that you have a lot of responsibity at home. I remember having each one of my babies and not wanting too many people to come and "help". It was overwhelming to think of getting the house ready, bedding washed, food in house, entertaining everyone etc. Maybe your sister would like it if you didn't come too...talk to her about it and tell her how overwhelmed you're feeling. I just hated having to entertain people when I was exhausted and wanting to sleep, let alone having another toddler running around my house being noisey and sleeping on my livingroom floor for a week. It might just be easier for the both of you if you didn't go when your parents were and if you were able to hold off going until you didn't have to bring your little one along too.

I have to agree with the comments that your sister might be relieved (even if she doesn't know it yet). She is going to need peace and quiet when the baby is sleeping and be able to get her own rest whenever she can. She also will want to focus her attention on the baby. That would probably be difficult to do with a 2 year old there. I think if you explain it to her like that and also with the "spreading out the help", she will understand. Make the reason you are not coming about her, not about why you don't want to, and hopefully it will work out fine. Congrats on becoming an aunt!

Family is important and if you spend your time thinking only negative thoughts about this trip, then of course you are not going to want to go.

In reality, what is 20 hours out of our life? A week sleeping on the floor and bed time schedules messed up? Shouldn't family be worth all of that? I would certainly think so.