Please Help...4yr Old Boy with ADHD and Authority Issues

Why should he be respectful? Children learn to show respect when they are treated with respect, see all the adults in their lives treat each other with respect and see that behavior modeled continually. Locking him up or punishing him will not make him respectful, it will make him angry and resentful. That is normal.

He should not be afraid of anybody, including a person in uniform. I do not want to teach my son to be afraid and I do not see why anyone else would either. I want my son to know that policemen are there to help us, not to frighten us.

My son treats his teachers respectfully because that is how they treat him. They say hello, shake his hand and make eye contact every morning. So, he does the same.

Ack that is part of ADHD he really isn't being disrespectful. He needs to understand why he must respect them. Yeah sounds simple doesn't it?

I have ADD, all my kids have ADD. Gah I am trying to figure out how to explain this to you. See that is what sucks about ADD, yeah I am too lazy to keep adding the H, we don't think like you do. So I have to figure out how to say this in a way that you can understand it but still translate it back to your child.

I have always just told my kids this is how you play the game, accept it and move on. The other thing is when they slip up I will explain to the person what they really meant by it.

I remember how many times my mom and dad got notes from the school that I was a disrespectful child. Thing is I just wanted someone to explain something. I just couldn't do something I needed to know why it was asked of me. You have no idea how much that hurts a child's self esteem, I mean to be called disrespectful when that was not your intent. Please be an advocate for your child, you are all they have.

If you want your child to have chronic depression take Cheryl B's advice. That is the best way to destroy a child with ADHD. Hey Cheryl why don't you find some handicapped kids and tell them to walk!! Just about as nice a thing to do. You should be ashamed of yourself or at least embarrassed by your idiocy! Disrespectful enough, that is what happens when a child is raised feeling bad about something they have no control over, they realize as adults idiots were making them feel bad all along! Nice, very nice.

My son was diagnosed with inattentive ADD later than most children - we started considering it in 4th then went with the full monty diagnosis in 6th grade. He a tendency towards oppositional defiance also. But, he has never acted overtly disrespectful towards authority figures. This behavior, to me, is a learned response. Throughout his life consistent examples through my own behavior, and consistently teaching him appropriate behavior has resulted in a teen who is polite and respectful towards adults and peers. Even with his ADD and OD.

Start teaching your son now what is appropriate behavior. Model it by your actions and your words. Consistently, and lovingly, correct him when needed and set up age appropriate consequences for inappropriate behavior.

This takes time and is not something that will happen overnight. My son is 15 now and recognizes that he has ADD and OD and as he matures he is learning to recognize his reactions and learning to rein them in when needed. It is not an easy process - but it is possible.

Stay strong

My son is

Hi there,

Big hugs to you and your son. I don't know what to tell you, but please don't take Cheryl B.'s advice. He's 4. I have a 4 year old daughter and she is going through some kind of emotional growing pains as she becomes a "big girl" and no longer a baby. It is our job to be there for them, set good examples for them (I'm finding this hard as I can be overly emotional), be patient, and believe in them. We need to treat them with love. They are our children, they need us to treat them wih kindness.

Good luck! Hang in there!

My son was VERY similar to this but he was adopted and came with attachment/regulation issues. If he was adopted I would tell you to have him treated for those things, if not, the advice below sounds really good.

The good news is, my boy is fine now but not without a LOT of work/training etc. You are smart to get on this quickly...

Best of luck to you.

We have a similar situation w/ my 4 1/4 year old at his preschool. I have been working closely w/ the teachers and it seems to be working. What we have instituted is a 4 strikes "game"(since he's 4). He gets a strike every time he's disrespectful to a teacher or parent(there are 2 teachers and 2 parents at the school daily)- only the teachers can give the strike. If he gets less than 4 strikes, he gets a penny from me to put in his piggy bank, if he gets zero strikes, he gets 2 pennies! If he gets 4 strikes(or more), no pennies.
We reinforce this a lot w/ "I'm so proud of you" and "wow, you're really learning to be a big boy" when he gets less than 3 strikes:)
Good luck!

Have you googled and/or had him tested for autism? There is a spectrum that has varying degrees, such as Aspergers.

I have a six year old son - who is willful impulsive and is in behavioral therapy. If you are going to take him to a therapist or give him prescription meds please proceed with caution. Take what your therapist says and listen but don't let it overshadow your own opinions. I have found that allowing my son to play at first under my supervision then at the YMCA before going to Kindergarden made a big difference because it showed him how other children responded to authority figures and helped him to realize norms. He still struggles with hyperactivity and authority issues but it has gotten better and so far we have been able to do so without the use of medication. One last thing I want to mention - Try to the best of your ability to be patient with your child and remember its frustrating for him too. If your child is an only child and does not have a lot of play pals that can be another reason he doesn't seem to do as well with authority - we discovered with our son a huge problem was that he spent too much time with adults.

Our son also has ADHD-combined type and had the same issue at four. It took me some time to understand him, but I finally figured it out. The disrespect of authority figures has a lot to do with the respect received from them.

Kids with ADHD get a whole lot of negative feedback. If an adult is constantly telling you you're making bad choices, not behaving correctly, disrupting the class, etc., it doesn't exactly give a child a warm fuzzy feeling about that adult, whether it's a teacher, parent, whomever. I think kids with ADHD learn early on that adults in general don't always "get" them, which makes them not respect them much.

Once our son was on medication and finally had teachers experienced with ADHD who really connected with him, the lack of respect improved a lot. He definitely doesn't have the same level of respect toward adults as normal kids do, but it's noticeably better. At eight, he doesn't talk back to teachers anymore; mostly, the lack of respect/attitude is directed at us as parents (usually when the medication isn't in his system).

It can get better over time. Kindergarten, assuming it's in a public school (which is required to work with kids with special needs), can be a great experience. Teachers there tend to be very experienced with kids with ADHD (often having training in working with special needs kids) and we found it to be a positive experience for our son.

Good luck!

HI S.. YES I HAVE GONE THROUGH LIFE WITH A SON WHO HAS ADHD. HE IS NOW 29 YRS OLD. THE ONE THING WE (MY HUSBAND) & I, WAS TO PUT HIM IN 2 DIFFERENT ACTIVITIES. 1) TAE KWON DOE (?), OUR SON HAD A WONDERFUL INSTRUCTOR. ALSO, WE GOT HIM INVOLVED IN SPECIAL OLYMPICS. THE SCHOOL SYSTEM WANTED ME TO GET INVOLVED WITH PARENTS HELPING PARENTS. BACK THEN, I DIDN'T FEEL COMFORTABLE SHARING WITH OTHER PARENTS CAUSE THEY DIDN'T HAVE THE SAME ISSUES THAT I WAS DEALING WITH. I AS A MOM WITH A LONG HISTORY WITH THE EDUCATION DEPT DEALING WITH ADHD WOULD LOVE TO HELP YOU. PLEASE CONTACT ME. YOU AS A MOM ARE THE ONLY ONE TO FIGHT FOR HIS EDUCATION. I WOULD LOVE TO SHARE MORE.
A. MYERS
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